Yes, I’ve had more retirements than the state of Florida,
I have no credentials, qualifications, or experience,
yet I continue to give my invaluable advice and expertise.
Why?
Because I care.
Truly I do.
So Dr. Duck is back to answer the q uestions that haunt your mind. Do you need help? Love? Relationships? Finance? Life in general?
Please post your questions in comments and Dr. Duck will help.
I’m sure you have some questions so I’ve put together this handy FAQ.
Q: Dr. Duck, will this be like all the other times you posted an Ask Dr. Duck segment and then never posted answers?
A: Sounds like something I would do.
Q: I’m not sure what kind of question I have.
A: That’s okay. I’m not sure of the kind of answers I could give.
Q: Can I sue you if you ruin my life?
A: We assume that all readers of IMAO, by default, have ruined lives. If I make it worse, feel free to sue Frank J.
Q: Should I begin my question with ” Dear Dr. Duck” as always.
A. I’ve gotten over that petty ego trip. You may now begin all questions with “Dear Dr. Duck”, or with “Dear Knower and Seer of All.”
Q: When will you be posting the answers to this segment?
A: Friday, probably. Or never if you give me a bunch of lame-o questions.
Q: Any restrictions on the types of questions I can ask?
A: As a rule, I tend to not answer questions when they are posed as other people. So please don’t post as Cindy Sheehan asking, “Why do people always confuse me with Peppermint Patty?”
Q: My situation requires caring, tenderness, and compassion. Do you really think you could handle that kind of question?
A: Sorry. I’m Republican. I’ll assume it’s all your fault.
Q: You people are awful. Why do I keep coming here?
A: We call it the “rubernecking principle.”
**
Post questions in comments!
Dear Knower and Seer Of All:
How do I win the heart of Kate Beckinsale?
If I were to take over the world, what country would you like me to give you?
Oh Wise Avian Sage of Knowing Stuff, etc.,
Do you normally appear in public fully clothed, or have you adopted the Donald Duck trouser-less look, and if so, could you please stay far away from my children?
Welcome back, Mr. McFakerson.
Dear Dr. Duck
What was that fake SpaceMonkey thing I saw yesterday? Will I have to see it again?
Dear Duckie,
If the liberals take over congress will I be forced to give my house and voter rights to illegal aliens?
Dear Dr. Duck, Knower and Seer of All:
I’m thinking of going to San Francisco for Hallowe’en. Is it true that Hallowe’en is the one day of the year on which the “men” there wear business suits?
Dear Dr. Duck, Do you know that if Frank J. gets sued, it comes out of your pay?
Dear Knower and Seer of All,
I heard a rumor a while back that you were hanging out with Superman and Kim Jong-il at Kim’s North Korean pleasure dome. I assume that’s all just rumor and the fact is you rarely leave the house.
Does Frank actually let you travel abroad or do you spend most of your time locked in the basement with Laurence?
Dear Delicious Duck:
This weekend, duck season opens, and I am a duck hunter. My question is this: Do you taste better with currant jelly and wild rice, or with a mild horseradish sauce and fresh greens? Also, what kind of wine would you suggest to accompany you?
Your friend,
Herr Morgenholz
Dear Dr. Duck,
If the Dems win in november, can I hide some of my guns at your house?
Herr Duck:
I have a pocket pair of Jacks (Js, Jc). There are two people in this hand and the flop was: (Ad Kd Jd). My opponent just went “All-In,” I have him cover, but not my much. Should I call?
Dear Knower and Seer of All,
Is it true that Laurence Simon is on Mark Foley’s speed dial? Does the Woman in Charge of the Money scare you?
I feel very apathetic about this upcoming election(I live in a blue state that I can’t afford to move out of). What activity could you suggest that would brighten my outlook?
PS: Neo-neanderthal, my Benevolent Overlord Kal El wouldn’t be caught DEAD with Kim Jong-il OR Ducky (sorry Duck, he’s got this down allergy thing, worse than Kryptonite) and that you would dare suggest such a thing has sealed your doom. Prepare for Death by Concubine!!!
Dear Dr. Duck:
I just read in the news today that an 81-year-old man in Lighthouse Point, Florida, was stabbed by a sting ray. He was apparently out on his boat when the sting ray flopped in and stabbed him. This was followed of course, by marine biologists claiming that stingray attacks are “exceedingly rare,” despite the fact that only a few months ago, everyone’s favorite Crocodile Hunter was murdered in cold blood.
My question: is this the beginning of stingray terrorism against mankind? And if so, why are marine biologists so eager to cover it up?
Can I get in on that “Death by Concubine” thing?
Dear Dr. Duck, Knower and Seer of All:
Can you prescribe drugs? Like an antibiotic to heal those infected with liberalism? Aspirin just doesn’t work for my sister, and I fear it might spread to other loved ones.
Signed,
Worried in Georgia
Dear Dr. Duck:
Is death by concubine really a bad thing?
Dear Roast Duck and Mango Salsa,
I can’t quit surfing the internet and trolling blogs. It’s your fault because you like George Bush and Bush is the cause of and solution to all evil in the world. Should I vote? Vote and then kill myself? Or the other way around? Or just keep trolling blogs.
I hate my life and what you’ve done to it.
Ducky, why do we not want Venezuela (and Chavez) on the UN Security council? He wouldn’t really change anything, and it would give commedians much more grist for the mill, so to speak. Is it true that we just don’t want them there because they smell bad?
Mr. Duck,
How many licks does it take to get to the Toosie(R) Roll center of a Tootsie(R) Pop?
Dear Knower and Seer of All,
What did you do with MFL?
In a strange way, I kind of miss his predictable, mindless blathering.
Dear Master of the Universe and Emperor of the Cosmos His Royal Downyness,
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck with braces on?
And if no ones around to here it, does he make a sound?
Dear Honorable Duck-Demon,
I am having a great bad personal problem. I cannot keep my dong up. No matter what is tried, it will just not stay up, but merely droops and falls. Can you recommend a good solution to this dishonorable problem?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Will you answer the question on everyone’s mind?
Cindy Sheehan, Hugo Chavez.
Hugo Chavez, Cindy Sheehan.
On second thought, please don’t answer. I’m out of Immodium AD.
fmragtops:
Considering what she famously did to her last boyfriend, directing her in a vampire movie would be a good start….
Shimauma,
//Prepare for Death by Concubine!!!//
Gee Shimauma, I’ve never been personally threatened in the IMAO comment section before. Let alone death by killer P. Does Frank or the Duck allow such personal threats here. Unleashing the killer P’s is serious business. The whole comment section will run amuck.
If I wanted treats to my physical wellbeing, I’d go back to posting on liberal websites.
Was supposed to be “threats to my well being” not treats.
Though “treats to my well being” kind’a works in the concubine context.
HEHE
//If I wanted treats to my physical wellbeing//
OOO, Fraudian slip Neo? Maybe Death by Concubine is too harsh for you. In my enthusiasm to defend the honor of my Benevolent Overlord Kal El, I sometimes take it too far. Okay, how about Serious Whippage by Concubine?
By the way, those of you who request Death by Concubine need only watch Manos: Hands of Fate to see how it carried out on the goat man.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Is it possible that IMAO will someday return to having the comments pop-up in a small window? Having to reload the entire page seriously stresses my internet connection.
Thank thee.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Tell the truth Duck there is no Right Wing Duck, Spacemonkey, SarahK, Cadet Happy or Laurence Simon is there? Y’all are just some of a seriously mentally ill FrankJ’s multiple personalities.
Signed,
Guy Incognito
Dear Fried Duck…
Is it true that a scandal is about to break here on IMAO that you have been repeatedly buggered by Aquaman and this has caused you to seek the comfort of nubile young congressional male pages…and are you now seeking a treatment center for your addiction to alchohol?
Dear Duck,
If Hillary Clinton wins the Presidential race in ’08, will we have another “I didn’t have sex with that woman, ms xxxx” from a second President Clinton?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Then: Cute little Joey on Dawson’s Creek.
Now: Weird Scientologist baby maker mating with old short dude.
What the hell happened?
Aquaman’s a flamin’ queen now too. Seems that we’ve managed to pervert all the comic superheroes. It’s not that I really have anything against them. They do seem to regularly abuse their powers for self-indulgent purposes though. They seem to suspend our entire code of law for their super antics. No restraints. No checks and balances. I’ve never seen one of them show up with a warrant. Not even once. I don’t think they should be defying the laws of physics either. It’s just not right. Sometimes I wish we could turn gravity back on in the middle of one of those adventures and watch those super queeros plummet to the ground. What’s with the gay clothing too. Aren’t all the bodysuits and tights rather obvious. They never seem to hang around women either. Sure they have a token woman or two. But it’s really a men’s only club. Men in overly tight clothing.
Ok, I admit it. I really hate comic superheroes. I’m maliciously trying to smear their good names, but damn it they do deserve it.
I too once thought all Super Heros were…well…Super but I’ve been sullied over the past period of months with Homo SuperHeros and NAMBLA Congressmen, my once youthful exuberance and innocence is in tatters…
Dear Dr. Duck,
Like the Robinson Family, the “Reality Based” Nutroots have been wandering lost for so long. Do you believe they will ever find their way back to reality or are they doomed to never interface with reality again?
Dear Dr. Duck:
Is there ever a time when it’s inappropriate to punch monkey-faced liberals?
Dear Duck Doctor,
Is it true that a duck’s quack doesn’t echo?