The Gaia-goblins are in a frinjabulous tizzy because President Bush is planning on making a few small, unilateral alterations to the Endangered Species Act. Honestly, they’re just brain-sploding and blowing things all out of proportion (SURPRISE!). All Bush actually wants to do is remove protections for animals that:
 |
- are too slow or stupid to dodge heavy construction equipment
- taste like chicken
- aren’t cute enough to have their own Beanie Baby
- can earn their keep performing at SeaWorld or Busch Gardens
- can’t reproduce in captivity even with the help of Viagra and species-specific porn – looking your way, Ling Ling.
- can’t figure out how to build a nest on the ledge of a high-rise apartment because it doesn’t have branches.
- can get a job as a mascot for a chocolate-covered ice-cream treat.
- transform nicely into high-quality rugs, wall-hangings, ashtrays, or hat racks.
- nobody except zoology majors and hippies has ever heard of.
- have body parts that can be ground up and sold as aphrodisiacs to horny Asian men.
I’ve heard that Bush is still looking for other categories to exclude, so if you drop suggestions in the comments, I’ll make sure he gets them.
That’s not fair Marko…what could possibly be uglier than two homely communists?
Hiding somewhere in the wilderness, there may be some wretched beast spawned by Bill and Hill. That’s why I recommend no one go on a camping trip without at least a .357 Magnum.
Have soft fury hides.
Are not truly endangered (i.e. Spotted Owl).
Make good target practice.
Like smelly hippies.
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey,
You already took all the witty ideas. To try to match you would be sophomoric.
But here’s a thought to ponder: If we found a couple dinosaurs, would we classify them endangered and breed them until they took over the planet?
Natural elimination, my friend. It’s God’s way.
Facts are modifiable at will nowadays.
And as an addendum to comment #5, we ought to channel funds from the EPA to genetic research in order to actually bring back such bygone delicious animals as the dodo (I know, I know; we still have Cindy Sheehan & Ward Churchill, but there’s a breeding pair that could only produce even worse abominations. Besides, would you eat that!?) and the woolly mammoth.
When we accomplish this goal, we hold a friggin’ awesome BBQ & re-extinction party in front PETA’s hq.
I’ll bring the beer.
#3: Marko, I’m fairly certain that a being such as you described couldn’t be killed with conventional weapons. For that reason alone, I shall henceforth have a tactical nuclear device in my camping bag.
Any animal that lives near a sizable oil deposit.
Any animal on the “More trouble than they’re worth list.” Polar Brear, Snail-darter, you’re BOTH screwed.
Joseph, I’m not sure if even Tsar Bomba would be effective.
Remove all federal restrictions on the killing of smelly Hippies.
However, this does not mean the state and local laws do not continue to apply:
1. Noise restrictions on the means of collecting them.
2. Seasons to limit the hunting of these noxious endangered and noisome creatures.
3. Possible separate seasons for modern and antique firearms, with a possible bow session.
4. Bag limits- daily and seasonally.
5. Whether or not “Baiting” is allowed, with the most likely bait being Tofu.
6. Pollution laws against those not disposing of them correctly.
7. Firearm restrictions near schools and churches.
8. Creation of zoos and technology absent “Wild Life Parks” where a few pathetic examples could be isolated, retained and studied, to eliminate their defective genes from affecting the rest of us. Meanwhile, they could spend the rest of their days protesting against each other and singing Kumbaya.
9. Whether or not the use of dogs in hunting these vermin is permitted would be determined by local authorities from the ASPCA.
10.For purposes of this law, the generic category “Hippies” includes Greenies, Vegans and members of PETA.
giving the idea that hippies are animals are giving them way too much credit. COME ON!!!
I don’t see why antique weapons need to be limited to firearms. While a .50 cal musket ball would be ideal, a good heavy mace would work nicely in a pinch.
Oops.. That was me in #15.
….show any evidence of common sense. (any at all) Oh wait that’s Nanny and Dirty Harry. I always get those guys confused.
While he’s at it, can Bush eliminate:
* underage female Chinese gymnasts whose very presence in an Olympic competition is illegal and immoral