I think they got the good news/bad news mixed up here. If scientists are just going to keep finding more monkeys in the Amazon, they need to stay out of it. We’re trying to develop advanced, cultured societies here, and monkey want nothing more than to destroy all that and eat our eyeballs. If one more monkey is discovered, I say that’s cause enough to burn all the Amazon rainforests down.
Archive of entries posted on July 2009
Random Thoughts
Considering all the plastic surgery options available today, I think it was constructive criticism.
I’m bored. Let’s spread rumors of a top level Obama administration official being a pedophile.
A bird in the hand will screech and peck a lot more than two in the bush.
One day conservatives are going to have to propose the only practical solution to global warming: DESTRUCTION OF THE SUN!
The voices in my head have stopped which has made me paranoid that I’m not fun to talk to.
If we make an agreement to reduce nukes, how can we know if we each upheld it? We should just pick a country and nuke it together.
I want to genetically combine an orange and an apple to make an orapple. It will be great for comparison purposes.
Why in this day and age do we still not have a rhyme for orange? Couldn’t we have just made one by now? Everyone is stupid except for me.
I can just imagine the investigation into the cyber attacks. “So, South Korea, do you have any enemies you know of?”
Obama was going to promptly respond to the cyber attacks, but he got North and South Korea mixed up since he was holding his map upside down.
Couldn’t The Atlantic just pretend to publish Andrew Sullivan’s rantings and then pay for his meds as a sort of charity thing?
Finally! A Michael Jackson Story That Amuses Me
From Rev. Right of America is an Obamanation!, “Elephant Man’s Estate Makes Bid To Purchase Jacko’s Remains“.
Ways for Obama to Be Awesome
Instead of just carping on Obama all the time, I figure I might as well offer him advice on how to be an awesome president. So awesome, I’d even vote for his reelection. ‘Cause that’s the type of awesome I deal in.
Okay, so Obama has got an agreement with Russia to reduce their warheads. So here’s what to do: While Russia is reducing their warheads, we pretend to reduce ours and instead make even more! Then, later Obama goes to Russia and says, “Pysch! Now we totally have super tons more nukes than you! You’re such suckers! Now give me all your money!” And then Obama can find Putin and give him a noogie and there will be nothing he can do about it because we just have that many more nukes than them.
Russia will feel pretty angry now, so to be fair we can offer them some of our nukes since we’ll just have so many now. The thing is, when they get them home, they’ll find that instead of the nukes being filled with fissionable material, they’re filled with squirrels! That’s right, this was all just a plot to get rid of some squirrels as America has way too many of them. Stupid Russians!
Libertarian Democrats
Jon Henke has a post on the fate of the “libertarian Democrats” that Kos proposed. I really don’t see how that could ever have worked. Considering the Democrats position on taxes and business for decades, the only libertarians who would align with the Democrats would be those who value the freedom to do weird sex stuff way over any other freedoms. In other words, Bill Maher.
The Michael Jackson Comeback
Reportedly, Michael Jackson wanted to be cloned. He’d be an interesting subject for it because many of the usual objections wouldn’t apply since it would be hard to imagine the clone being any weirder than the original.
Sarah Palin Wonders if Rick Sanchez is a Journalist
JUNEAU (AP) – After CNN reporter Rick Sanchez questioned whether Sarah Palin’s decision to resign as Governor of Alaska came about because she was pregnant, Palin held a press conference of her own to wonder whether Rick Sanchez was a journalist.
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“There might be a couple of other situations that might cause someone to broadcast idle speculation on a national television program,” said Palin. “He might be a sleazy tabloid paparazzi, he might be a conscienceless DNC shill with a black and shriveled soul, or maybe he’s just a sterno-swilling homeless person who has long since lost the fight against the insane and angry voices in his head. But aside from those, is there anything going on with him that perhaps may lead him to want to make this decision? And the one thing that’s still left out there is… hey, could Rick Sanchez be a journalist?”
CNN quickly denied the charge, calling it “outrageous” and “baseless speculation”.
“I’ve certainly seen no evidence of any ‘journalism’ on the part of Rick Sanchez,” said CNN spokesperson Carol Foyler. “Certainly it’s physically possible, given Sanchez’s age, gender, and pretty frat-boy face which – were he to go to prison – would get him passed around like a joint at a Phish concert, but anyone who listened to him for 5 seconds would know he’s not a journalist. I challenge ANYONE to come up with a single shred of evidence that there has EVER been a single instance of journalism from Sanchez, or anyone else at CNN, for that matter.”
“Sarah Palin has obviously crossed the line with her utterly unfounded accusation,” said Foyler, “and if she has even a ounce of human decency, she will apologize immediately. ‘Journalist’, indeed!”
Random Thoughts
If you trapped someone in a satellite and forced him to watch bad movies, he’d go insane pretty quickly without the help of robot friends. Of course, there’s the problem of how’d he eat and breathe.
Interestingly, constructing robot friends usually isn’t a good cure for insanity but instead a symptom of it.
You know, all of Sarah Palin’s actions make perfect sense if she’s a vampire/werewolf hybrid.
I haven’t been able to watch the memorial. What does the casket look like? Is everyone sad? Tell me! Tell me! I need to know!
I was afraid the Michael Jackson memorial would suddenly bursts into flame and we’d quickly have to turn off our TVs to avoid being turned into pillars of salt.
I hope they are able to resurrect dinosaurs by the time I die because I don’t think I’ll be properly honored unless T-Rexes are in the procession. Also, I don’t want to be told to “Rest in Peace.” I want to be told to “Rest in War.” I’m going to Valhalla.
If we spent the money from the Michael Jackson memorial on the poor, they’d still be poor the next day but at least we wouldn’t be at a cultural nadir.
With all the attention Michael Jackson is getting, I wonder if Obama will be tempted to bleach his skin?
When Weird Al dies, we should totally do a parody of the Michael Jackson memorial.
Aren’t you supposed to end the memorial by poking him with a stick to make sure he’s dead?
The best ending would have been Andy Kaufman emerging alive from the coffin. He got us good!
Well, that’s the last of Michael Jackson we’ll see until the zombie apocalypse.
IMAO makes another urban legend … and this time gets credit for it
Frank Tweedled about it earlier today. So all you Twiddlers know already. But IMAO made the Urban Legend list. Again.
The other day, Harvey wrote up the fakey newsy piece about Obama apologizing for the Declaration of Independence.
Harvey writes good stuff. But you knew that.
This one got passed around, which happens with lots of his fakey newsy stuff. But this one really took off. So much so that people asked the Mikkelsons, the couple that run Snopes.com, about it.
Heh. That’s funny. Because it says just how close to real Harvey’s story is. It shows that it’s not beyond the realm of possibility — in many people’s minds — that Barack Obama would actually do such a thing. He’s proven himself to the the Apologizer-in-Chief, so, why not?
Anyway, Harvey done good.
And what makes it really special is, it’s the first time that IMAO got credit for an Urban Legend.
Back in March, 2008, there was a post Frank wrote that included a doctored photo (or was it doctored?) of Obama holding a phone upside down. The photo got passed around so much that it garnered an entry on Snopes.
Only, Snopes never credited IMAO for that. In the earlier Snopes entry, they used the full photo that included the “imao.us” stamp in the lower left. Even then, they never would credit IMAO for the image, even after they were notified of the source, with documentation. They ended up cropping the image, removing the watermark. Well, most of it, anyway. If you look careful, you’ll see the dot of the “i” is still in the cropped image on Snopes.
This time, though, they are properly crediting IMAO for the post.
So, Harvey, way to go!
[UPDATE 7-8-09: upon request, Snopes has now updated the Obama phone page to credit IMAO]
Job Growth
Here’s a neat graph that Karl Rove (the magnificent bastard) has of the job growth the Obama administration projected if the stimulus was passed versus actual stimulus.
This leads to two possibilities:
A) The Obama administration has absolutely no idea what it’s doing about the economy.
B) The Obama administration knows exactly what it’s doing about the economy and means to destroy it and us.
My guess is that A is correct, but do keep possibility B in mind.
The Force Will Be With You… Always
Being Overly Protective of Palin Isn’t Conservative
Palin is still my favorite Republican right now, but some of her supporters are starting to creep me out. I mean, we’re not to Ron Paul levels, but it looks like it’s getting there. I can understand people being protective of her since she’s taken some of the most vile attacks I’ve ever heard any politician get, but nothing excuses freak outs. Not if you want to be called a conservative.
I’m seeing in comments now (not here at IMAO, mind you) where you got these little chihuahuas randomly nipping at everything they think is a threat. They’re attacking some of the most stalwart conservatives in the blogosphere as “RINOs” for questioning whether Palin resigning was the smartest move ever. That’s not being a conservative standing up for your own; that’s being a freak.
If you ever go to the Daily Kos and read the stuff there, if anyone disagrees with someone on one thing, they assume the person must be evil and disagree with them on everything. That’s how a liberal mind works. I don’t care if you can parrot the right things to say on taxes and support the right candidates – if you have a tendency to freak out over politics, you have a liberal mindset. As conservatives, we’re supposed to have too many actual problems to deal with in our real lives to have time to freak out over every little thing in politics. Also, we’re supposed to have more sense than to get than emotionally invested in a politician (I give an exception for Reagan since he’s dead; everyone else I’m prepared to disagree with).
When we rebuild the Republican Party, I’m all for getting rid of the squishes – or, at least, ignoring them – but we don’t need freaks either. If you can’t keep be rational or keep any perspective, then you’re not helping. You’re just scaring people. We need a Republican version of Daily Kos like we need syphilis. I have moons to nuke and dinosaur to arm; I need practical people on my side.
lolterizt! Part 85
This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From Melissa:
Also from Melissa:
From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From a different Rick:
[reference link]
From me (Harvey):
Also from me:
From Ron Rockstar:
From Mike:
[reference link]
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Random Thoughts
My guess is Palin does have some sort of master plan, and it ends with liberals being rounded up into death camps just like they suspected! The death camps will have wallet making, canoeing, and nature hikes. And death.
The lack of technological development in Amish communities must make it easy for their scifi authors to accurately portray the future.
Wouldn’t it be more appropriate for Michael Jackson that instead of burying we fired him into space?
Want to do a satirical article about Palin, but there isn’t praise so effusive or hate so vile that’s beyond what’s been written seriously.
Perhaps Sarah Palin is just too much of a true conservative to be a politician.
Why Does Obama Want to Destroy Our Economy?
In my latest Pajama’s Media column, I try to get to answer that question.