In Plain Sight. Next, on USA.

Mary, we got a problem.

Oh, really? A problem? How could we have a problem when all we do every day is deal with people, mostly criminals, whose lives are in danger 24/7/365 and we, upstanding law enforecemtn officials are assigned to protect their sorry asses? A problem, Stan? Really?

See what happens when you try to play straight man? You’ll never learn, will ya, boss?

You’re gonna be involved with this one, too, Marshall, so cut the wisecracks and listen up.


I’m all ears.

You mean “all hair.”

Listen up, you two. And look at this. It’s the file from a witness who has been compromised. Again. Family involved in strange activity all over the world from as far back as the 1960s.

Wait. You said “again.” This witness has been compromised before?

Yeah. Seems to happen a lot with this guy. Anyway, we’ve got to establish a new identity and send him to another locale. Probably midwest.

C’mon, boss, you’re tasking us to create a new identity when the service has specialists that do this for a living? It’s hard enough protecting these people, much less devising cover stories.

These experts don’t seem to have done a good job with this guy so far. He’s been compromised a half-dozen times. This time, I want my best people to use their creativity to develop a cover identity that won’t be questioned.

Let me guess. Your best people? And since they weren’t available, you came to Marshall and me?

Just make it happen, Mary. I don’t want to lose this guy on my watch.

Looking over the files, it seems that the previous covers were good covers. It’s not gonna be easy coming up with something better than what they’ve provided so far.

Mabye we don’t need better. Maybe we just need different. Something that is so outside the norm that the bad guys won’t expect it.

Like what? Instead of low profile, we go high profile? Instead of an education at Arizona State, we have him have a Stanford degree?

Or Harvard.

Harvard it is, then. But what about a job?

Well, let’s say he was an astronaut. No, that’s just crazy. What about a law professor?

I got it. In a lawless place. Like Las Vegas. No, wait! Chicago.

That’s good. That way we can have link him to a domestic terrorist, Bill Ayers. He’s in Chicago.

They’ll never look for connections to criminals when trying to find somebody in Witness Protection. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Why stop there? Let’s have the records read that he served in the state senate.

Not just state senate, Mary. United States Senate. If we’re going high profile, let’s go all out.

But what about his early life? Where was he born?

Hawaii?

Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

What about his name. Right now, he’s using the name “Barry Soetoro.” We need a new name, naturally.

Barry? How about Barney? No, I got it. Barack.

I like it. Let me pick a last name. I need something good. A good name. An interesting name. Something that won’t remind him what a bummer his life has been up till now.

“A bummer?” How about Obama? Barack Obama.

Only if you make his middle name “Hussein.”

“Barack Hussein Obama” it is, then.

You do realize that by handicapping him with a name like that, he won’t ever be able to really go into politics. His entire political career that we created out of thin air just now will never be anything more than that.

You think we went too far?

I don’t know. Maybe. It’ll never stand up to scrutinity. No one will ever find a genuine Hawaii birth certificate. No one at college would ever remember they guy. There’ll be no records of him voting on anything in the state senate. We’ll have to put “present” next to his name, instead of “yea” or “nay.”

Yeah, and there’ll be no record of him accomplishing anything in the U.S. Senate, either. But so what? He’s in Witness Protection. We’re just making a fake resume for him to get him out of our hands and into the hands of others who will protect him.

That’s a little cynical, even for you, Mary.

No, I’m not cynical, Marshall. If I was cynical, I’d believe that he’d run for higher office and be elected, even though any serious investigation would show that he’s never done anything. But that won’t happen. The American people aren’t stupid enough to ever to that.