Archive of entries posted on November 2009

Frank on Science!: God

Posted by on

As you probably know, what the first thing everyone is required to do when becoming a scientist is disprove the existence of God. There is the traditional disproof (“Can God create a rock He cannot lift?”), but we like people to be creative and come up with their own proofs (a popular one today is, “If God is so perfect, how come He didn’t patent the iPhone?”). While it is understood that God and Science! conflict, not everyone understands why.

In Science!, there is the “observer effect”, which is that observing anything in nature also affects it. God is omnipresent, which means He’s observing everything. So, in effect, God is screwing up all our experiments. So, there are two ways around this: Disprove God or come up with same way to keep Him from watching and corrupting our experiments.

Disproving God is the easiest option, but there are some efforts to do experiments in ways to negate the God bias. Hell is supposed to be farthest from God’s influence, so doing experiments there may be less corrupted. Of course, then we have to deal with that Satan guy always looking over our shoulders. He creeps us out. I mean, he’s bipedal and has cloven hooves; that makes no evolutionary sense whatsoever.

Science!

lolterizt! Part 94

Posted by on

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


[reference link]

From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Rott3nHippi3 of Obama 08 Promise Tracker:

From Gregg:

Also from Gregg:

[reference link]

From Jasonius:

From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

From Wendy:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Happy Birthday, Marines!

Posted by on

Thanks for killing bad people in foreign lands!

It’s a special day for the Marines, and here is how I heard they will spend it:

MARINES’ PLAN FOR BIRTHDAY

1. Kill evil foreigners.

2. Punch hippies.

3. Kill evil foreign hippies.

4. Eat cake.

5. Open presents of more ammo.

6. Share present with evil foreigners.

7. Contemplate root causes of what makes foreigners evil.

8. Determine it’s them breathing.

9. Kill evil foreigners having a birthday and eat their cake and open their presents.

10. Tell schoolkids not to do drugs.

11. Blow stuff up.

12. Sleep, have dreams of battles in which they easily best ninjas and pirates.

Anyway, thanks again, Marines, for keeping America safe. I’d wish for peace in the world, but then you’d probably get bored.

And this seems as good a time as any to post the Warrior Song again because it’s fun:

Also, don’t forget to donate to Valour IT in the Marines’ name; they’re nearly to their goal:

Random Thoughts

Posted by on

While I had a few thoughts yesterday, they were very deterministic and not random at all.

Lightning Round 11-9-09

Posted by on

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 11-9-09 Fred Thompson Show:


[YouTube direct link]

What If America Goes Broke?

Posted by on

In my new Pajamas Media column, I explore what options we have if America goes broke. Or should I say “when”?

An Animal’s Tale

Posted by on

The dead geese lay crumpled on the ground. Nearby, dozens of injured geese were stunned by the attack. The pigs, chickens, goats, horses, turkeys, dogs, and other animals on the farm were shocked by the event.

The horse asked, “Who did this?”

“A duck,” said the dog.

“Oh, you can’t say that,” said the donkey. “It happened in the geese pen. It was an animal that was in with the geese. Maybe it was just a goose that was upset with the way the farm has been run.”

“But, it looked like a duck,” said the turkey.

“Racist!” said the donkey.

The elephant stood nearby, nodding.

“I saw it walk over from the side of the pen and begin attacking the geese that were gathered in the center,” said the goat. “It walked like a duck.”

“Oh, no, don’t say that!” said the donkey.

“Blaming ducks is wrong,” said the monkey, sitting at his typewriter.

The elephant stood nearby, nodding.

The pig spoke up. “I heard it quack.”

“Racist!” yelled the donkey.

“Racist!” yelled the monkey.

The elephant stood nearby, nodding.

In the pen, another duck just smiled.

Universe Once Again Conspiring Against Science!

Posted by on

A baguette dropped by a bird has shut down the Large Hadron Collider. This is further evidence that the universe is out to stop humanity from discovering the Higgs boson. It is unknown why the universe would do this, but its anti-Science! attitude will not be tolerated. Yes, the discovery of the Higgs boson could destroy the universe, but if the universe is against scientific discovery, then it deserves to be destroyed. Anyway, if discovering some elementary particle is going to destroy the universe, then it’s done with. Get used to it. And next time make a less fragile universe with hardier bosons.

Science!

Frank Suggestions to Stop Obamacare in the Senate

Posted by on

The Republicans now need to keep the Democrats from getting sixty votes in the Senate so they can pass Obamacare. They might be able to do it, but just in case they can’t, here are some other suggestions to stop the Obamacare bill:

FRANK SUGGESTIONS TO STOP OBAMACARE IN THE SENATE

* Do an action filibuster. That’s where the Republicans hit the Democrats over and over with metal folding chairs to prevent a vote. It actually takes 65 votes to break this filibuster, which the Democrats are unlikely to organize, especially if they’re dizzy from being hit in the head with chairs.

* Do the Dark Ceremony. This will summon the restless spirits of the Founding Fathers who will then melt the faces of all who subvert liberty.

* Steal the bill and hide it. They can’t vote for a bill if they can’t find it. Make sure to hide it some place the Democrats would never look, like under the Constitution.

* Draw a line down the center of the Senate chamber and declare that the Republican side is now its own separate country. Preemptively attack neighboring hostile country.

* Add an amendment to the bill that the first one in front of the death panels is doddering old Harry Reid.

* As the vote is about to happen, play the sound of a police siren. Then all the Democrats will quickly grab their stash and flee.

* Weakly fight the bill, but let it get passed. Then reveal you put the “Obamacare” label on a bill authorizing the destruction of the sun. Explain that one to your constituents, Democrats!

* There’s always the old standby of getting the vote delayed because of a Mothra attack, but since the last three controversial votes were delayed because of Mothra, the Democrats might start figuring out she’s controlled by the Republicans.

* Carefully explain to the Democrats about liberty and individualism. That should distract them while we set all their cars on fire. WOLVERINES!

Fred Thompson’s Beard *Updated with Response from Fred*

Posted by on

A number of you have noticed that Fred Thompson has had facial hair in his recent TV appearances. No, this is not the evil, goateed Ted Frompson from an alternate dimension. Instead, Fred Thompson simply bested Chuck Norris in combat and absorbed some of his power. Incidentally, scientists predict that if Fred Thompson were to ever get a ‘stache like John Bolton, he’d be so powerful that the universe would explode just by looking at him.

UPDATE:

Believe it or not, we’ve gotten an official response on the issue from Fred Thompson. He says that “maintaining my status as America’s sex symbol requires adjustment from time to time.”

Since this is the official explanation, any speculation to the contrary will result in being immediately banned from this site.

Mixed Feelings

Posted by on

Part of me is offended that they’re taking a shot at Fox News.

Part of me is just too damn amused by “Squidface Pelosipants” to care.

Random Thoughts

Posted by on

What you wingnuts don’t realize is without the stimulus unemployment would be at a million percent right now.

Instead of the already nebulous “saved or created,” I guess it should really be “saved or created or imagined.”

Turning a nice juicy grape into a weird little raisin is a neat trick, but I don’t get why you’d want to keep doing it.

“Look at this puppy. This puppy wants universal health care. Why are you mean to a puppy?”

Swine flu is bad, but just wait until we have to deal with swine rage virus.

For the people calling it a health care “crisis,” when was it last not in crisis?

I’m guessing it’s a “crisis” whenever these greedy little morons aren’t controlling everything.

Somehow America has survived more than 230 years with its health care in crisis.

For all you people who think Republicans are wingnut morons, they’ll be half the people making your health care decisions.

My Democratic Representative voted “no” on Obamacare, BTW. Now what do I do with all this tar (what to do with the feathers is obvious)?

Anyway, it was nice to take break from important things like unemployment and war to tackle a pet issue.

Can we start a new country but sue for rights to the name United States of America? They can be like Sissy-Scared-of-Freedom-stan.

We should probably save some griping for if Obamacare – God forbid – actually makes it through the Senate. Just to be clear, God won’t actually forbid it. We’re free to screw this country up in any way we want.

My advice, invest in the space program. Ever read “The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress”? That’s our best chance for freedom.

Let’s face it: Liberty is a fun idea, but at the end of the day it scares people.

I think it would be good for the Republicans to make sure there isn’t an American who doesn’t understand the phrase “TANSTAAFL.”

David Caruso hasn’t done a traditional sunglasses opening to CSI: Miami in over a season. If it’s because you make fun of him, I’m mad!

Watched “Are You Under the Impression You Can Move in a Rhythmic Fashion.” Don’t want to sound homophobic, but I’m scared of how gay it is.

Lightning Round 11-6-09

Posted by on

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 11-6-09 Fred Thompson Show:


[YouTube direct link]

Frank on Science!: Black Holes

Posted by on

A picture of a black hole even though you can't see a black hole.

A picture of a black hole even though you can't see a black hole.

Laymen love black holes because they sound so menacing and make great plot points for cheap scifi, but most people don’t tend to understand them. First off, it’s not a hole. It’s a ton of mass crushed into a single point. Second, they’re not black; they’re turquoise. Thirdly, they don’t suck things into them anymore than anything else with mass. If the sun was suddenly replaced with a black hole of the same mass, the earth’s orbit wouldn’t be disturbed at all. It would just be dark and we’d all freeze to death, but otherwise we’d be fine.

One interesting property of a black hole is its the only thing we know of that destroys information because everything that goes into it gets collapsed into only three points of data: mass, charge, and angular momentum. Like if you had data you don’t want anyone else to obtain, run a wipe program and throw it in a black hole. It will be gone for good that way (unless you were trying to protect your data’s angular momentum from prying eyes). Hopefully someone has a sign up telling you where the event horizon is, though, because black holes can be dangerous that way.

Anyway, let black holes be a warning to you. We all love matter and use it every day, but sometimes it collapses on itself and rends space and time. That’s dangerous. If you see matter collapse on itself, get as far away as possible and contact your nearest scientist. And whatever you do when confronted with a black hole, don’t put your tongue on it.

Despite the existence of black holes having been calculated for some time, they’re still pretty much theoretical. I’m sure, though, there will eventually be a Mythbusters episode where Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage travel to the center of the galaxy and throw a rock at one while filming the results with a high speed camera, confirming most of the theories.

Science!

Bald Bear

Posted by on

How much is Obama screwing up? Now our nation’s bears are going bald:

Even I know I look ridiculous.

This is change I cannot believe in.

I don’t know how you screw something up so simple as the fact that bears are supposed to have hair, but somehow Obama is doing. The combination of his general inexperience and incompetence, his extreme liberalism, and the radicals in his administration are screwing things up so badly that bears are losing their hair. Yes, bears are becoming freakish laughing stocks; think of what Obama will do to us in the end.

NOTE: Yes, the bears aren’t actually in our country, but it’s fun to pretend and blame Obama. And has anyone checked on how well our bears have been doing hair-wise lately?