The State of the Union address is tonight, and President Obama has a bit of a problem since the state of our union isn’t exactly… well… good. What exactly is Obama supposed to say? “It sucks, and a lot of it is because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” Plus, Obama is on prime time TV talking like all the time, so what could he possibly have left to say?
Still, I like being helpful, so here’s what I think Obama should say:
“Hey, America, what’s up? So, what do you all think the state of the union is? I think it’s awesome, except for one thing: It’s full of whiners.
“I think things are doing pretty well here. Ever look at like poor countries in Africa? We’re doing like way better than any of them — light years better. Or look at Haiti; doing way better than Haiti. Pretty nice here, actually; we got like food and TV and stuff. Still, everyone is complaining and like, ‘I don’t have enough money, and I’m unemployed! Waaah!’ I have a clear message for you: Shut up. No one cares. Raise your hand if you’re dead. No hands? See, could be a lot worse.
“Still, everyone is all yelling at me and like, ‘You’re a socialist! You’re recklessly spending all our money!’ Hey, do I go to your job and criticize you? I don’t even know what you; I don’t even care really. A lot of you don’t even have jobs to criticize, so shut up.
“And then there are those who think I’m a failure because a guy almost exploded his underwear. What was I supposed to do there? I ain’t checking everybody’s underwear; I ain’t some perv. You be a perv and do it.
“So, I think I’m doing pretty well — a B+ job — and you all are just a bunch of stupid whiners. Well, I don’t bow to you — I bow to foreign monarchs, but not you — so shut up. I hate you all.”
“I have a clear message for you: Shut up.”
That would make this the STFU Address instead of the SOTU Address.
Yeah, stole that from yesterday’s Day By Day. Chris Muir is a genius, just like FrankJ.
I’d rather hear that speech than any that Obama is likely to give.
Stop saying “like”, Obama. You sound like a thirteen-year old girl.
My guess is that he will blame Bush. After that is done, he will blame the Republicans in congress for blocking his agenda, even though they were powerless to do so.
He will say he got the message from the people, then ignore it.
He will say he will create or save more jobs.
He will say that the voter anger is not about him, because he is so beloved by his subjects, er people.
He will probably not mention immigration reform (amnesty) although that’s what’s likely next on the agenda. He needs the votes to stay in power.
DC isn’t having any job problems. Employment and bonuses for president named Obama and his cronies and hangers on is through the roof. And this exploding pay is also tax free/optional. The parallels between LBJ and Bush followed by Nixon and Obama are startling. We should have a public school system that teaches real history to actual voters so that they could sometimes not repeat history.
Culturally we conservatives are going to have to start treating it as cool and enviable to work from within the government for conservative change. Conservative in government knocks on your door, please come in great warrior and have some food and one of my daughters. Liberal in government knocks on your door, OFF MAH LAWN! then fire 2-3 grazers until out of range.
Problem is that the few conservatives in government/law/union/education we treat like pariahs as though they are part of the disease rather then the cure.
I would rather hit myself in the head with a hammer than watch THE ONE give another speech.
And plus, things could be worse. My wife could be in charge. Have you seen her arms? She didn’t get those guns by growing organic arugula.
Well said Dodsfall. Worst part about being a cynic is how often you end up being right.
Random side note:
This new show Archer is pretty funny. If you are into vulgar hillarious cartoons. Especially ep3, “oh put it back in the deck”. It has the Mom and Kitty from Arrested Development and the guy who voiced coach McGurk from home movies.
He could just stand there and move his head from side-to-side, pretending to read his TOTUS. Then, when least expected, he rotates his head 360° and spews green, spit pea soup onto the audience. That’d be great.
You should say, “I’m incompetent, a liar and a fraud.” I’m calling a special election and we’re having a do over. It’s the right thing to do. After I am defeated I’m returning to my homeland Kenya and opening a Piggly Wiggly where we will sell fine coffee, arugala and influence.
He could say, He could say. I’m so tired.
He lies. Now, if only more of our “representatives” would have the guts to call him on it.