If you’re wanting to know where that stimulus money is going, part of it is going to give cocaine to monkeys. So why is our hard earned money going to give cocaine to monkeys when there are so many people unemployed right now who couldn’t even dream of affording cocaine for themselves? Probably because there’s some other stimulus program to give cocaine to Congress. Or they just always take cocaine. Or they’re useless morons who take no thought to wastefully spending our money.
How does one even start a program like that? “I want to give cocaine to monkeys. Give me money so it can be all scientific and junk.” I hope a lot of that money goes to security, because the last think we need in this economy are coked-up monkeys running around the neighborhood who want nothing more than murder and bananas. I swear; the Obama administration won’t rest until we’re a third-world nation.
I don’t want my tax dollars going towards giving bass amphetamines, but I want your tax dollars going towards giving bass amphetamines. It’s fine time we breed trout that fight back!
And bass too! Doh
Can we spend tax dollars to give heroin to members of Congress? They couldn’t do any worse and with any luck they’d be too high to do anything at all.
Sure, there are long term health effects and they might have some trouble after leaving office adjusting to a life without free smack. But that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
If we don’t study Coked-up monkeys then we will not be prepared when we need them.
After all, Coked-up monkeys wrote the first draft of the health care bill, and designed the Chevy VOLT.
God help us if we don’t have any cocaine enhanced monkeys to work the refi hot line at fanny-mae. or plan airport security.
“…coked-up monkeys running around the neighborhood who want nothing more than murder and bananas”
I don’t know why but that phrase just makes me think of Muslims.
I think DamnCat is on to something. I say we need to lock Congress in with a 20 foot pile of cocaine and a gazillion straws. They’ll all be too busy staying up all night snorting coke until their noses rot to pass anymore of their trademark Americal killing bills like healthcare and cap and trade. As a bonus, we can expect many of them to suffer fatal heart attacks and other such health problems that come from snorting cocaine all day and night.
Plus we can wait until their are really coked up to release the coked up chimpanzees and flying squirrels and really enjoy the fun. Now that’s a reality show I can watch.
“Look, that chimp just bit Nancy Pelosi’s face right off! Cool!”
Once, as a kid, I fed a whole bunch of marijuana leaves to some rabbits. Now you’re telling me I could get paid for something like that? What a country!
Just think about this for second. Our goven’mint is spending money to study the effects of cocaine on monkeys. These are the people who collect money from us in the form of taxes and know better than we do what’s good for us.
I mean, I could almost undertand it if they wanted the coke for themselves, but they’re GIVING IT TO MONKEYS!!! WHAAAAT? THAT’S RIGHT, MONKEYS!!! Seriously, it takes a special kind of brain damage to vote Democrat these days.
I was wondering if any of that money went to buying new cocaine on the street, or some of what they accidentally confiscate once in a while. Of course, that would save some money, so they probably bought new. Or maybe they had the CIA earmark them some…
“The Coburn-McCain report takes issue with stimulus spending on ……
….. how cocaine affects monkeys.”
Will Senator McCain offer AMNESTY to the Monkeys?
and if so, will it be a full Amnesty if they testify?
McCain has been known to offer Amnesty then take the offer back.
I laughed so hard when I read that! Now I wonder if its because I’m so racist.
C’mon. Who actually thinks the monkeys ever get any of that cocaine? It’s not as if the monkeys can complain that they are all getting placebo. Then again, you have to give credit to the grant writers who came up with the idea.
Question for Frank: What is Ape Law with regard to cocaine?
Viagra for a gorilla? Someone who is way ahead of us on this one if I may refer to “Seanbaby”
http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-unintentionally-depressing-self-help-books-on-happiness/
“…Is that a challenge? You think I can’t get someone fired with a gorilla? Vicki, you have a lot to learn about my country’s national security policies and how quickly they can be invoked when a fully-b@#$ed gorilla is loose in an airport.”
Damn! For $71,000, I would be happy to snort and snortle their hippie coke. Then I could give them frenzied but incredibly articulate bio-feedback on the results, while stuffing bananas in their ears, punching them, and stabbing them in the eyes with pens.
I would only get coked up for research that would benefit all mankind…and as long as their was a steady supply of gin & tonics…which would of course lead right into another round of paid research.
Sheesh.
I am going to sound conspiratorial for a moment…
facts:
1 Just yesterday you were talking about flying squirrels used as a weapon to annoy.
2 Just this morning I found this website to be slow and unresponsive….
-almost as if Frank J. had taken the squirrel who normally runs on the wheel to power this website off and then gave it cocaine glued wings to it and was standing on his roof and through this winged/coked/ squirrel at passing children on their way to school.
3 This website is now backup and responsive…
-guess that means you had second thoughts or the squirrel returned to its wheel after its flight on its own volition.
If I had known they were giving cocaine to monkeys for research, I would have volunteered my @ss a long time ago. Dang. I am always the last to know anything when it comes to goodies being given away.
“I swear; the Obama administration won’t rest until we’re a third-world nation.”
when can I buy this bumper sticker?
So question for the monkey annoyance experts: are monkeys on coke more or less easily annoyed than sober monkeys?
Leave Obama alone! He’s the president, and he’s under a lot of stress. If he wants to do cocaine he should be allowed to.
You don’t know about part two of the monkey plan. After they get the monkeys totally hooked, they quit giving them the coke and start selling it to them.
The monkeys have to go out and mug people and burglarize homes to get stuff to fence to pay for their coke, and every cent goes toward the deficit.
As long as the DEA keeps us supplied with confiscated coke, we can keep the nation solvent.
I wonder what we could possibly learn from Monkeys on Cocaine that we haven’t learned…oh I don’t know….in the last 30 YEARS from all the coke / crack heads we’ve had a chance to “study.”? I’m wondering how much are we going to have to pay for Monkey REHAB? How about those Monkeys that will suffer from cocaine induced psychosis? How much to care for them? Do we have the monkey version of Thorazine?
Science ! !!!!!
Or, will we literally have monkeys on our backs?
Hey, are these the same monkeys you were going to send up here to Canada a couple of weeks ago? Geezuz guys, we’ve finally got our Eavestrough Cleaning Monkey training program approved by the Ministry of Socially Pointless Government Handouts and the first deliveries of the sealskin jackets and liberal scalp hats have arrived. Now you’re Coking the monkeys up????? Christ, a friendly little monkey in a jacket carrying a little trowel to clean our eavestroughs is cute, a shaking, shrieking, sh*t-hurling monkey trying to cut you with a little trowel is downright scary. Why are you doing this to us? We’ve always been your pals but c’mon…. Now I have to change the government grant request from monkey eavestrough training to monkey cocaine detox and rehabilitation. You have no idea of the paperwork.
Do the monkeys end up with Humans on their backs once hooked?
In other news, O-bah-muhh just signed into law the reduction in mandatory prison terms for Crack cocaine. Coincidence? I think not.
This is just the first step on the slippery slope towards legalizing monkeys.