Here’s some Science! for you: “Scientists” “predict” that the universe has a 50% chance of ending suddenly sometime in the next 3.7 billion years from some unknown catastrophe. It’s based on physics breaking down if the universe is infinite so time has to end some point… though I have no idea why the time frame — it is science journalism. Still, if an unpredictable calamity is going to destroy the universe, there’s only one thing we can do: Try to predict what it is!
POSSIBLE THINGS THAT MAY DESTROY THE UNIVERSE
* Too many people trying to divide by zero on their calculators.
* Dogs and cats living together.
* Hippies going unpunched.
* The man in black getting off the island.
* People pestering Fred Thompson.
* A truck carrying Mentos colliding with a truck carrying Diet Pepsi.
* The finite variable for storing the universe’s time resets.
* God gets at angry at not enough Korans being burned.
* Marty McFly is unable to reunite his parents.
* It gets eaten by a grue.
And after predicting the cause, we can make a worldwide betting pool on the date & means to our end. Then we can all wait and see who wins the worldwide office pool, and gets all that money! Oh, wait…. I think this needs a better business plan before I go public with it.
If the Universe is “infinite” then it has to destroy itself immediately! An infinite Universe would have to include an infinite Negative number of years. The problem is when you multiply a negative 100 gazillion times a negative 100 bazillion you get a positive Gob number of years. Whoops! That would seem to rule out the “Infinite Universe” idea!
WTF is a grue? I feel like I should be on the lookout for one running loose now.
You forgot one: Chuck Norris decides that the universe time is up.
Apes, House Sparrows, and stink bugs, oh my!
There’s some matter-antimatter thing that could happen if Obama ever truly realizes the error of his ways. Given that his ego is roughly the size of the universe (10^377846104 light years across), the resulting implosion might take the entire universe with it.
I think we’re safe on this one, but it might be wise to keep Chuck Norris happy.
If you don’t know what a grue is, you are likely to be eaten by one.
*Heaven runs out of teams of 72 virgins.
*Teh One admits error.
*Fred Thompson, Chuck Norris, Dick Cheney, and Franklare all in one room together. The universe cold not contain the concentrated awesomeness.
Anyone remember that cheesy Scifi classic Robot Monseter? Bad guy was an actor in a monkey suit with a diving bell helemt on his head. “Calculate your chances for survival. Negative. Negative.” Science! at it’s best.
Trans Fats, Salt, and happy meal toys obviously.
We really should thank our leftist superiors for foreseeing these dangers while us silly rubes worried about whether to fix the car or pay taxes.
Don’t forget: “Crossing the Streams”
Wow, now that’s really giving yourself some margin for error. They didn’t feel comfortable with a 55% chance in the next 3.7 billion years? Or maybe a 50% chance in the next 3.2 billion years?
Allow me to make an equally worthwhile
scientific wild ass guessprediction: I predict an 80% chance of the universe ending within the next 1.9 billion years! If I’m wrong, I’ll take full responsibility.“The Won’s” birth certificate is exposed to sunlight and our sun immediately goes super-nova and triggers all the nearby stars which cascade all through the
universe turning everything into blackened cinders as a mighty voice proclaims “Let their be Darkness.” THE END.
If there are too many people on Guam, the gravitational distortion could cause the formation of a black hole, which would suck up the entire universe.
Well, if the universe goes into the dark without a light, it’s too stupid to not deserve to get eaten by a grue.
“The finite variable for storing the universe’s time resets.”
Hopefully there’ll be enough FORTRAN programmers left to fix Y4G just like they did for Y2K
This is why I live every day like it’s the beginning of my last billion years.
Spock travels back in time and kills Leonard Nimoy.
rosie odonnell burps
rom the manual has a moment of honesty
Teh one “bucks up” quits whining an does the Sasquatch
Not a problem. We’ll just hop over into a different universe. There are lots and lots of them. In one of them I am Superman. Lets go to that one.
I had to ponder this one….
Seems to me it’s going to be the moment Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris are occupying that “Dick Cheney” room at the back of the White House, you know, the one where Cheney conjured up Katrina, and they have 99.9% of the world’s problems solved but just disagree on that one final issue…..
– from the link:
“This paragraph contained useful information or context, but was removed by the sub-editor to keep the article within an arbitrary word limit in case the internet runs out of space.”
The internet runs out of space, no room for new IMAO posts, and all the faithful fans are doomed to spend eternity roaming the IMAO archives (like in that Star Trek episode, “All Our Yesterdays”).
Yeah, well there is also a 50% chance that I will win the lottery tomorrow. Either I will win the lottery, or I won’t win. Its 50/50. Just like the universe – either it will spontaneously cease to exist, or it won’t. 50/50!
Their logic is sooooo sound.
cool….wingnuts trying to grapple with sceince…..just gotta love slack-jaws attempts to comprehend…well, comprehend.
” “Science” ” came up with the atomic bomb, quantum mechanics (a particle is also a wave???? make up your mind, “science”!!!! its one or the other, wtf is “dual nature”?!?!? “”””scientists”””” ) came up with the scanning tunneling microscope, and I wish it would come up with a solution to the cancer that is conservatives.
i guess the answer to that, actually, is the atomic bomb…..every single conservative man, woman, but especially child and baby, should be obliterated with one. woohoo….roasted toasted conservative babies…..i call it the final solution
“The finite variable for storing the universe’s time resets.” I like this one because it is consistent with that wacky theory that our universe is just a huge simulation run by a higher intelligence and we are just “SIMS” who don’t know it. Think about it for a while and you’ll realize you can’t prove it’s not.
i call it the final solution
Are you bright enough to realize that you’re not the first one to coin that phrase?
Shame on you! No! Bad Troll!