I’m getting tired of the usual Obama rumors about him being a Muslim born in Kenya, so I thought I’d work on some new ones.
NEW OBAMA RUMORS
* He can talk to fish.
* He was unaware of the progression of days in the weekend until he heard the song “Friday.”
* His alter ego is Justin Bieber.
* He bitterly clings to his large collection of Cabbage Patch Kids dolls.
* He spends all day wishing he were a Na’vi.
* All the use of teleprompters is just to distract from the fact that he’s illiterate.
* He has our nuclear secrets for sale on Craigslist.
* He won’t make any decision without first consulting his most trusted advisor: Clip-Clop, his favorite pony.
* He’s not really black.
* His budgets are a result of him never having learned how simple addition and subtraction works.
* He has an irrational fear of ninjas.
* He’s already sold half of America for magic beans.
* He was extremely confused by the plot of Inception because he thought Leonardo DiCaprio died on the Titanic.
* He doesn’t know where China is and is afraid to ask.
* Half the time he accidentally signs his name as “Osama”.
* Part of his win the future strategy is to sell us all out to the machines.
* He owns a ferret.
If you have any good rumor ideas, put them in the comments. The best ones we’ll pass on to Trump.
– Not smart enough to be president, but he did stay the night at a Holiday Inn Express…
– He is Nancy Pelosi’s proctologist.
* Obama is a Scotsman born in Scotland. The horror!
* Obama is an Irishman born in England. The horror, the half-drunk, half-gay horror!
* Obama was really born in Hawaii. No wonder he’s totally useless!
* Obama’s favorite song is Bob Dylan’s Ode to the Vuvezela.
* Obama is actually a woman.
* Obama’s favorite Clint Eastwood movie is Bronco Billy.
* Obama plans on eliminating the Marine Corps.
I included the last rumor because history tells us that the Marine Corps lashes out with a vengeance at any fool (I.e. Harry S. Truman) dumb enough to screw with the best.
“* He can talk to fish.”
That’s not a rumor, that is his wife.
* He uses a stand in on the green
* The secret service likes him
* He eats meat
* he was drunk when he married Sasquatch
Yeah, but the hard part will be to get his aunt to say she’s actually seen him do any of those things, however, she says she watched his birth in Kenya.
He’s a really a black man.
He’s a distant relative of Marco Mancuso
Secrete love child of Nancy Pelosi and Jessie Jackson
His birth certificate is through the AKC.
Once got lost in our 57th state.
Point of order: A healthy fear of ninjas is completely rational
Hey, let’s not get crazy now… fear of ninjas is never irrational. Unless you’re a pirate, then man up, me bucky!
Oh, yeah…
*Hates playing Risk with on the computer, because he can’t figure out how to bow and surrender to the the AI players.
*Only pretends to care about the environment because he’s afraid if he doesn’t Al Gore will take back the Internet.
*Was set to play Richard Roundtree’s sidekick in an unreleased film Shaft in Space, but bailed because he’s afraid of guns, even if they’re just props.
*Although production of the film was canceled, there’s supposedly footage floating around of Obama wetting himself and crying like a little girl the first time Shaft shoots someone.
*Said footage may just be his reaction to Sarah Palin’s speech at the 2008 RNC.
Was brainwashed by the North Koreans.
Has an irrational fear of the name “James Mattoon Scott.”
Spends most of his non-golfing time watching Gilligan’s Island.
Sees himself as the heir to Richard Simmon’s legacy.
Once tried to like America — just to see what it felt like.
Seeks advice from Joe Biden.
Has Friday night poker parties with Pelosi and Biden. Pelosi and Biden win every week.
*He rode a bicycle without training wheels. Once.
*His role models as a youth was the Wonder Twins. And Marvin.
*Gets his daily intelligence breifings from Kenny Kingston.
*Is afraid to enter the White house kitchen due to the Ninja food chopper therein.
He was a member of an early 90s boy band, but it never took off because the label thought they were “too gay even for a boy band.”
Having already done ‘first black president’ to death, he plans to have a sex change and run as the first female president in 2012.
Burma, I hope that like me, your day doesn’t feel as good if you don’t say “General James Mattoon Scott” with all the vigor and respect that name deserves.
@12 — plans to have?
Don’t worry Frank, those nuclear secrets mentioned in the Craigslist adverts aren’t real–the military knew better than to trust him with actual state secrets (right?).
Learned that hyperbaric chamber was not named after him when Michael Jackson died.
Still believes he turned Michael Jackson white.
Giggles when Harry Reid offers him some Grey Poupon on his wiener.
* He’s one Lear Capital’s best cutomers.
* His dream car is the kind Barbi drives.
* He’s buying a timeshare in Crete with Mubarack and Gadaffi.
BTW: It’s worse than you think Marko. Obama only says his favorite Clint Eastwood movie is “Bronco Billy”. It’s really “Paint Your Wagon”.
I talk to the trees….but they never….talk back…
* He won’t cough up the birth certificate because it says he’s white….and female.
who writes the stuff on the teleprompter anyway? Bill Ayres? O_O
I talk to the trees….but they never….talk back…
It’s okay, Marko. Clint Eastwood talked to the trees, too.
Fearing how ugly baby Obama might be, the Kenyan doctor yelled out “NO CHANGE!” when Obama was born.
In junior high school, Obama turned out for the basketball team. The coach reminded him to be sure and bring his athletic supporter for the next practice. Next practice, Obama brought a neighborhood friend.
Darn – I leave for 4 days and I miss all sorts of great stuff.
I hear Obama wears women’s underwear and paints his toenails sparkly red. I have it on good authority. Just go with it.
Fact check! Clip-Clop is not his favorite pony, it is his favorite unicorn. No wonder conservative bloggers are routinely excoriated by the “real” media. Try not to embarrass us, Frank.
Obama can win staring contests with fish.
Actually is very nobly sacrificing his reputation to get the country to reject pinkoism at last; in reality, he’s a stone cold capitalist, baby. Will not come out until his secret memoirs published in 2167.
Will be hard at work forging these secret memoirs starting in November 2012.
Hmmm. Now that you mention it, notice how you never see Obama and Aquaman at the same time?
Oh my God…does he really own a ferret?
Never ever actually expected to win the nomination, really, and was totally surprised when he won the election despite being obviously unqualified. Is now planning to do everything he can to lose the next election. At it may be working.
His actual birthplace was Groom Lake, Nevada (Area 51) and he can make his finger light up. Met Biden when Joe dropped some Reese’s Pieces outside the theater after seeing “Roger and Me”.
He doesn’t own a ferret. He owns a gerbil, and you know where it goes from there…
He is really George Bush and uses hollywood makeup artists to make the transformation.
Jimmy Carters his real dad
He is actually very good at walking thru doors on helicopters and the White House. He just thinks it makes him seem more likeable to the rubes when he flubs it up.
He actually is the fifth Beatle….as long as if by fifth you mean fourth, and by Beatle you mean Stooge.
While in Rio, he started hoarding Reais because he heard they were the equivalent of Brazilian dollars.
Has a superfluous third nipple that doesn’t show up in photographs nor reflect in mirrors.
“You’re So Vain” was written about him — when he was eleven years old.
Started the rumor about himself being Aquaman to divert people from discovering he is really Booster Gold.
Has a briefcase that contains Marsellus Wallace’s soul.
Is the ghostly image seen in Three Men and a Baby.
Wears false teeth made from baby seal bones.
Once shot a man for snoring too loudly in a hotel.
Used to work at Baskin-Robbins.
Obama is the submissive love slave to Barney Frank
Obama thinks the Simpsons are for real and is trying to figure out how to get Homer’s vote
Obama has funny marks on his head which were caused by Michelle grabbing it with a set of kitchen utensils and stuffing it back up his butt
Biden told Obama that taxes are just like little baby bunny rabbits, so now he loves taxes
An outhouse was installed behind the White House which Obama uses rather than that fancy indoor plumbing
Obama farts really smelly farts every time he gives a speech…some day TOTUS is going to get payback!
The staff at the White House pants Obama and give him a Wedgie at least once every week
Obama is still on the Snipe Hunt
Obama wasn’t born, he was crapped out on a rock and the sun hatched him…
#21: Iowa Jim:
I talk to the trees….but they never….talk back…
It’s okay, Marko. Clint Eastwood talked to the trees, too.
Lee Marvin was wise to leave Partner with the wife this time
He likes to tuck his junk between his legs and dance around like an ugly woman
@Bantha,
I just wish he’d stop doing it during State of the Union addresses.
@ Son of Bob,
As long as he doesnt keep fat kids in the basement of the Whitehouse for a skin suit.
It puts the lotion on it’s skin!!!!
He has a voodoo doll of Donald Trump that he regularly plays with after sticking it with golf spikes from his play shoes
He belongs to a super secret Red Ruby Shoes Oleo ! Wizard of Oz Club and has regular play dates with Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-il. SSShhh ! !