CARTAGENA, COLOMBIA – (AP) Colombian civil authorities are on high alert, desperately attempting to quell riots after President Obama threatened the country at the Summit of the Americas on Saturday by saying he was there “to scout out where I may want to bring Michelle back later for vacation.”
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“He and his gang of bandito Secret Service agents have already stolen our precious prostititutes,” said Colombian President Juan Mauel Santos. “What will he do the next time he comes here? Entice our sluts with free contraceptives?”
“This is obviously a threat to send troops into our nation,” said Santos. “Remember that time he ‘vacationed’ to Brazil and BAM! Libya goes up in flames? You don’t have to be a genius to know that ‘bring Michelle’ is code for ‘invade your country and steal your tamales.'”
In cities all over Colombia, streets were littered with overturned serape stands and burning burros, and rioters howled their displeasure over Obama’s bullying tactics.
“Why would he bring Michelle here?” wailed protester Juan Valdez. “We don’t have luxury ski resorts in our mountains. Just coffee, hand-picked by hard-working peasants like myself. There is no snow there. Well, not the skiing kind, anyway. Why don’t they go to Qatar? Lots of fat-asses over there for her to nag.”
A spokesman for Michelle Obama dismissed the situation as “overblown,” insisting that the First Lady was unlikely to visit Colombia.
“Well, basically, it’s a third-world rathole. Why would she go there? Unless they start selling $6000 purses and breeding Wagyu llamas.”
When is she going back home to Endor?
Wait. This is factual news reporting, Harvey! The only thing that was a little fakey was Juan Valdez was actually out picking coffee beans after which he stopped by Mrs. Olson’s house (!) at the back window which had a pie cooling on the window sill and birds singing in the morning sun.
I can’t quite get a bead on this. The libs, the party of “if it feels good do it” and “if it’s inconvenient kill it, are in hysteria because some secret service agents got “serviced”. Now I know James Bond (was fictional) was British but tell me is it just the paying for sex that has folks up in arms or is it the immorality itself. Because here in America we have prostitutes by the score and have had since the beginning of settlement. Are the Columbians concerned because our government folks were paying their “hookers” too much, not enough or is it just the fine upstanding drug dealers in Cartagena are concerned their usual vehicles for moving product had better offers?
Seems to me that under this president things have gotten quite lax in the “service”. Hope he’s not expecting someone to catch a bullet for him, I’m pretty sure that well has run completely dry. This is what happens when your job stinks, when you feel under appreciated and know those you work for hate you. Kind of like middle class Americans, huh?
Columbians are concerned, rightly, that the Secret Service is going to buy up all the hookers and blow, causing a run on the market. Economic chaos would ensue.
Critter is correct. The Columbians are in self preservation mode, trying to prevent the destabilization of their economy…
a question. prostitution is legal in nevada. would the secret service be getting trashed if this had happened in nevada? prostitution is legal in columbia. so why the big deal?
#1 – Argh! Nerd sense is tingling… Moochelle is no ewok, judging by her size and appearance, as well as the way Obama always lets her win games of holographic alien chess, she is clearly a wookie. Her home planet would therefore be Kashyyk, not Endor.