All dogs go to heaven. Unless they’re Jewish.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 23, 2012
Nelly Furtado sounds like something you order from a food truck.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 23, 2012
Cambozola is my favorite cheese that sounds like the drug-dealer nemesis of a 1980’s TV cop.
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) August 23, 2012
This is how you announce your retirement? MT
@markos Dick Morris really is the dumbest person in political punditry— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) August 23, 2012
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “The band no longer plays “Hail to the Chief” when Obama walks in…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Also, Keln’s announced the Punchline Nuker of the Week.
This headline asks: “Why did Japanese scientists make apes inhale helium?” That’s kind of a stupid question. They had helium and they had monkeys so they did the obvious thing. Also, since it was Japan, it was probably part of some game show. Anyway, the important thing is that, while we would assume the result would be funny, they scientifically proved it.
At a campaign event in Iowa, Michelle asked Barack, “did you have a fried Twinkie?”
I assume that’s the Obama version of “does this dress make me look fat?”
I usually don’t put much stock in polls, but maybe Romney should be making a big deal out of this one. Small business owners favor Romney 61% to 26%. I mean if Obama is going to be the guy to bring jobs back to America, then why do they people who actually make jobs hate him? Kind of makes you wonder if he’s doing things that make job-creators angry. I know that’s hard to believe; I mean, Obama already did the most difficult part of job creation: create roads and bridges. And all everyone else had to do was the really simple thing of create a business — something so easy Obama has never done it because it’s so far beneath him. And yet small business owners don’t like him. Maybe another condescending “you didn’t build that” lecture will fix that.
According to a report in The New York Times, over 70% of Obama’s followers on Twitter are fake.
Based on how bad the economy is, how bad Obama is at … well, anything, and how his poll numbers are still up in the 40s, I assume most of these fake followers are also answering all the polls. I just hope they aren’t all registered Democrats.
Of course, it would make sense if these fake followers voted for Obama in November. He seems to have the illegal alien vote, the repeat vote, and the dead vote already, so the fake Twitter vote seems likely.
I’m glad the GOP is planning to go ahead with their convention despite hurricane Isaac. That’s the message they need to send: “We’re not some sissy Democrats; some wind and rain ain’t gonna scare us off.” And think of the fun for the hippies trying to protest outside while dealing with hurricane force winds — there will be placards and papier-mâché puppets stuck up in trees. Hippies can’t deal with harsh conditions; that’s why they’re whiny hippies. And if the press starts to annoy the GOP, it will add extra weight to the threat to kick them out of the convention. “No! Don’t send us outside! We’ll try to be nice! We’re just too arrogant and stupid to understand you’re political positions! Have mercy!”
In fact, I think all Republican conventions should be in harsh conditions to show how tough we are. Like they should be in the middle of a typhoon or on the edge of an active volcano. “Wind, water, and fire cannot destroy us, and neither can effeminate Democrats.” And there should be robot fights during it. Because Republicans are about the future: a powerful, somewhat scary future.
I got a $10 healthcare refund thanks to Obamacare. Yay. I’ll send it on to Romney/Ryan.
Actually, it was $10.61, but, you know, taxes.
Colorado won’t honor my Florida CCW because I don’t live in Florida? What’s the logic in that? Requirements the same for out-of-stater.
I’ve carried plenty, but so far I’ve never had to actually show my permit to anyone. Probably because people don’t know I have a gun. Since it’s concealed.
My favorite backhanded compliment for someone’s coding is “clever.”
A nasty hack is “clever.” What MacGyver did was “clever.” Production code other people will need to maintain should not be clever.
I like it when software Terms & Conditions makes me scroll to the bottom before I can hit “Accept” because that totally proves I read it.
Not that long ago wife and I watched Twin Peaks on Netflix. First season was awesome, then it got so dumb we didn’t finish it. So mystery solved of how a show goes from number one in first season to being canceled in second.
Been watch Family Ties on Netflix as it’s something we can have on when Buttercup is in the room. It’s like watching a time capsule.
I almost feel bad for the liberal writers of the show knowing in advance what happens with the Mondale candidacy.
We settled on Family Ties, BTW, because the Cosby Show is no longer available on Netflix streaming.
I would return our currency to the “fist standard”. If we can beat up other countries, then they have to accept our money as valuable.
The way Diablo III sporadically locks you out from playing it makes it all the more special when you are allowed to play it.
In a recent interview, Time Magazine’s Mark Halperin said “the media is very susceptible to doing what the Obama campaign wants.”
Bit of an understatement. I’ve seen light switches with a bigger independent streak.
You seen the Amazon Election Heat Map?
Now, that link is to a live heat map, so it could change. But, here’s what it looks like as of this writing:
What people that can read are reading
Tip: Moonbattery via Paul Mitchell.
This really shouldn’t be surprising. People that buy books are generally people that can read. Since they’re buying books, they have money which means they hold a job.
People who can’t read wind up on welfare or knocking over liquor stores and gas stations.
Which group is gonna vote for Obama?
If the election was only decided by literate people, it would be a landslide.
I can see November from my house.
Ed Schultz. Remember him? He’s still around, apparently.
He’s got a problem with women. Well, maybe not all women. But women with brains.
He’s all ticked off over Augusta National admitting women to their club. At least, the women they invited. He says they should have admitted Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama. (Tip: Newsbusters)
One of his “concerns” was that Augusta National admitted two rich women. Of course, everybody in Schultzland knows that Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton, his picks, are dirt poor. Plus, neither of them had the advantage of growing up black near Birmingham, Alabama like Condoleezza Rice did.
Ignore the fact that it’s a private club. Oh, wait. Don’t. It is a private club. And they invite who they want. And, they wanted those two women. But, for Schultz and the left, that just won’t do.
See, in Schultzland, women don’t count unless they are liberal women. Right-wing women? Sluts.
If Ed Schultz wants to talk about stuff going on in Augusta, I have a couple of stories he could spend time on. There’s the Wal-mart toe-sucker. And, there’s the monkey party guy.
Those stories would be great for him. Tell the truth, now. Would you be shocked if, when his gig on TV finally, mercifully ends, Schultz winds up drunk with his pants down in a room full of monkeys, planning a night out sucking toes at Wal-mart? I didn’t think so.
