[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one's face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 7, 2015
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2015
ME: WHY IS MY PLATE COVERED IN HOT WET MONSTER WORMS
DATE: How do you not know what noodles are?
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 10, 2015
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are basically interchangeable unless you're at a funeral.
— Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) May 10, 2015
Some people say you should rinse your plates before putting them in the dishwasher. I say HAVE HUMANS ACHIEVED NOTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!
— Joe Hildebrand (@Joe_Hildebrand) May 10, 2015
My cat is aimlessly walking around the house and sporadically meowing angrily at nothing in particular like she's a metaphor for Twitter.
— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 12, 2015
Except for Republicans and Democrats, the President is getting along beautifully with Congress.
— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) May 12, 2015