No one has ever disagreed with me on the internet. You must all be doing something wrong.

My son turns 5 on May 16th. A lot of expectations on him as he currently is the only male heir of the Fleming name. He’s already very good at Mario, though.

What do you mean by Net Neutrality? Does that mean you’re going to treat the internet used by nazis, incels, and [third group everyone hates] the same as everyone else’s? No thank you!

Maybe election of Trump wasn’t so much a big change to this country as a catalyst to us noticing what already had changed.

Is the Democratic Party a terrorist organization? Well, I don’t like terrorists and I don’t like the Democrats, so probably.

If you want a fun read, the anthology Modern Magic is only $0.99. And it includes a short story by me.

I never bothered to find out who Michael Cohen is. There’s only so much of this Trump stuff you can follow.

If you just ignore Trump, he’ll go away.

I marvel at how Trump is one of the worst human beings I have ever seen and yet all legitimate criticism of him gets buried under dishonest freak outs.

I’m going to end up voting for Trump in 2020 because the Trump presidency has made me deathly afraid of worse than Trump.

If anything sounds outrageous, assume it’s being misrepresented until there’s clear evidence it is not. Apply special scrutiny if it’s outrageousness that goes along with your own biases—that’s someone pretending to be on your side but trying to trick you.

Almost nothing is salacious as first represented. And don’t even pay attention to what the headlines trying to get you to click say.

Shouldn’t Neil deGrasse Tyson be chiming in to explain to Trump that technically all people are animals?

If you look at the full context of the quote, when Trump said, “They’re not even people. They’re animals,” he was talking about squirrels.

MS-13 is a lame ass name for a gang. Whatever happened to names like “Crips” or “Bloods”? MS-13 sounds like a gang made up of astrophysicists.

1. Trump constantly uses immigrants as a scape goat and what he says should always be scrutinized (didn’t we learn anything from the Simpsons episode on illegal immigrants?).
2. Everyone pretending Trump’s animal statement was about all illegal immigrants is worse than Trump.

“It takes nuance to explain why Trump’s statement is bad. This is so hard.”
“I have a solution: FAKE NEWS. Just claim Trump was calling Mexican children animals.”
“That makes the argument so much easier! What’s the catch?”
“You lose your credibility.”
“I never needed that!”

“Also, you’re basically contributing to Trump being reelected in 2020.”
“To be honest, I kind of want that. I love yelling angrily all the time!”

This freak out is over nothing. If you listen to the original context of Trump’s “These aren’t people. These are animals.” quote, you realize he’s actually talking about people who hear “yanny.”

So can Alden Ehrenreich now just make a gig out of doing prequels to Harrison Ford movies. I want young president from Air Force One!

“So there’s a wolf that’s been spotted in the neighborhood–”
“It’s fifty feet tall.”
“No. But it’s very concerning and–”
“It’s armed with a machine gun.”
“That’s… No. But we need to–”
“It’s funded by Russia.”
“Will you shut up!”

I assumed the threat of MS-13 was being overblown since I don’t trust Trump, but now other people I don’t trust are doing overtime belittling the problem of MS-13 and I don’t know who not to trust more.

What if MS-13 gets an AR-15 and lubricates it with WD-40 so they can conquer extrasolar planet HD 189733 b?

I’m very open to arguments that Trump is awful and racist, you just have to not constantly lie to me. That’s all.

Gina Haspel: “Glad that confirmation hearing is over. It was pure torture!”

Hey, Disney, you paid $4 billion for Star Wars; give me fifty bucks and I’ll come up with at least one decent story idea to do with it.

Calling the NRA a terrorist organization is beyond stupid. Absolutely no one is scared of the NRA… except for politicians up for reelection. And they’re just scared of the NRA members’ votes.

Hamas organizes peaceful protests against the existence of Jews.

We need to respect the humanity and dignity of everyone who agrees with me politically.

What is with the low birth rates in rich countries? I know how evolution works, so my wife and I are having at least three kids. If you’re not above replacement, you’re not even playing the game.

Trump is so racist he talks about minorties the same way a left-winger talks about Midwesterners.

Though the Republicans that abandoned all their principles to always support Trump are weird, the Republicans who abandoned all their principles to always oppose Trump are weirder.

Maybe right after people lied about the president’s statement just to stir things up isn’t the best time to have a “you must recognize the humanity of even nazis and murderous gang members” discussion, as worthy as that is.
There could have been a discussion about how Trump’s statement was bad even directed at gang members, but that’s ruined now. You’ll have to wait for the next bad Trump statement (not a long wait) and see if everyone can be honest about it this time.

We did a nationwide search for a President of the United States and Donald Trump was absolute best we could find.

I find Jordan Peterson kind of weird, but in the same I find more college professors kind of weird when they go deep in their subjects.
“I was kind of following you, but then you went a little too far…”

What’s HIGH-larious is how alarming people find Jordan Peterson.
Man, everyone just needs to calm down these days.

What’s weird to me is that my first experience of Jordan Peterson came from my wife and some of her friends being obsessed with him (two found religion because of him). I didn’t know he was like a guru for young men.

I read Jordan Peterson’s book. It was okay. Had some good ideas, but did not enrage me or change my life.
Anyway, I think his message about men taking responsibility is good. If there’s a masculinity crisis, that’s what it is.

There should be two types of places: One with armed guards and metal detectors and another where any law abiding citizen can conceal carry. I don’t get the existence of a third: law-abiding citizens are prohibited from having guns but nothing is done to stop criminals.

If you want to do something about school shootings now, the options are have an armed response ready or thoughts and prayers. Gun control falls under thoughts and prayers since no law can reliably stop a killer from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns in circulation.

I’ve watched The Crown. It was weird. A monarchy in modern times is just bizarre.

Man, it is so inconvenient to get to the theaters. Would it be moral to buy tickets for a movie on Fandango and then just torrent it?

My mom recorded the royal wedding for my kids because they didn’t believe prince and princesses were a real thing.

Got a traditional British fish & chips and it came with “mushy peas.” I wondered what that was, but apparently it’s exactly what it says on the tin. Which leads me to my next question: Why?

Is there some sort of plan to stop Jordan Peterson from enforcing monogamy? Does the military have something drawn up?

You know, there are much dumber and less productive things than “thoughts and prayers” that happen after every school shooting.

Good rule of thumb: Causes of death rare enough to make the news are not the ones you need to worry about.

You know, guns have been around for hundreds of years, so if we have any new problems, we can probably eliminate them as the root cause.

I can see thinking Jordan Peterson is silly and dismissing him, but the freaking out about him is absurd. Reminds me of the moral panic about Dungeons & Dragons from the 80s.
That NYTimes profile of Peterson seemed designed to make people’s imaginations go wild so they’d freak out, such as the repeated use of the phrase “enforced monogamy” without defining what that meant.

Confiscating the 400 million guns in the U.S. sounds pretty daunting, but I’m sure as soon as guns are made illegal, we’d find that over 350 million of them had been lost in boating accidents.

I’ve always read “no one is talking about taking people’s guns” as “I want to take your guns, but I’m forced to acknowledge that’s politically unviable” and I don’t think that’s particularly cynical.

The most efficient thing to do is to tattoo your IQ test results to your forehead.

By age 35, you should be a black belt in at least three martial arts if you’re going to avenge your father’s death.

I don’t know what Obama’s Netflix show is going to be and I don’t plan on watching it, but obviously it should be called “Let Me Be Clear.”

Took my kids to an ice cream parlor, and the flavor my son settled on was vanilla. I almost refused to buy it for him. Please try and have a personality, boy.

“Helped Son Catch a Fish” fatherhood achievement unlocked!

I had fished with my dad as a kid, but I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I really wasn’t prepared for us to actually catch one.

I always found the national anthem a little creepy. Wouldn’t it be better for a sporting event to do something to show our dedication to the classical liberal principles that make the U.S. exceptional, such as publicly execute a Communist?

We used to publicly execute Communists all the time when I was a kid in the 80s; whatever happened to that?

What’s going on with the political circus today? A seemingly endless number of clowns are coming out of a tiny car labeled #Resistance to yell at Trump for blocking people on Twitter. How droll!

Not that long ago the term “white supremacy” meant something instead of being something you just rolled your eyes at.
Couple years ago:
“The Ku Klux Klan is a terrifying example of white supremacy.”
Today:
“The McDonald’s value menu is a terrifying example of white supremacy.”

I never really understood Colin Kaepernic’s protest against… freedom, I guess, but I never had a problem with it. Why can’t more people be like me and completely disregard what other people say or think?

“Phillip Phillips? More like Matt Matthews, Dave Matthews untalented younger brother.” -me just randomly burning my wife’s music selections since I’m clever and I’m supposed to use that to hate on things

I keep my privacy policy simple for your convenience: If I find out any information about you, I’m going to sell it.

I’m to the point now that if I see in a new Star Wars movie any character I recognize, I’m going to vomit.

I thought it would be neat to be really rich and live somewhere remote and just have people bring in all the stuff you need and then I realized you don’t need to be rich for that—that’s just Amazon.

My definition of NeverTrump is that I didn’t vote for him in 2016 and will continue to not vote for him through at least 2019.

Some free advice for Disney for their Star Wars property (though if they want to pay me like a hundred bucks, that’s okay): STOP MAKING PREQUELS!!!

Here’s my finished a week long camping trip with three small kids selfie.
It’s possibly the first photo ever where I look my age.

Not to be controversial, but if you were to make a list of the most civilized things man has ever done, violently killing millions of really tiny humans primarily for the cause of casual sex probably wouldn’t make the very top of the list.

I first felt like a father upon seeing a 10 week ultrasound of my child, and I remember vividly seeing the heartbeat and her move her limbs around. To another, that’s just trash and to disposed of as such. That’s very sad and will always be so.

That Elon Musk is getting into everything. I hear he’s now going to make a cologne. He’s going to call it “Elon’s Scent.”

Finally saw Black Panther. It was good!
I didn’t get Killmonger’s plan, though. Why not just go to Wakanda at any time? Why fiddle around with Klaue first?

If it’s something that happened under Obama but you didn’t complain about it until Trump, I’m going to assume it’s something you don’t actually care about.

I haven’t seen Solo yet and it’s probable I won’t see it until it’s on home video, but it’s better than The Last Jedi.

When I use Siri on my Apple Watch to set a timer, she’s started mispronouncing minutes (min-oo-tants), and I don’t know what to make of it.

Of Dan Harmon’s work, I definitely like Community—one of the best sitcoms of all time—better than Rick and Morty. While Rick and Morty is just too nihilistic for my tastes, Community is quite the opposite.

I finally saw Avengers: Infinity War. There’s really nothing to compare that to: Ten years (18 movies) leading up to one. That you could even follow it with that many characters is an accomplishment.
Ending is a bit of BS, though, in that you know it will be undone in the next one. Also, why did Thanos just suddenly say that day “I’m going to go get all six Infinity Stones” instead of having collected them for years?
Anyway, a few minor gripes, but overall really enjoyed it and was very impressed.

“Hmm. Which awful, proven liar do I trust more in this situation?” -politics in 2018

The critics made Solo sound pretty meh, but I’m now hearing a lot of good word of mouth about it that’s actually making we want to go see it.

I wonder how much Idris Elba made for his appearance in Avengers: Infinity War. He didn’t even need to stand for it.

When people criticize Trump for calling MS-13 gang members “animals,” it makes me think of this from The Onion.

Trump was elected president with the largest majority ever if you combine the people who voted for Trump with the people who actively drove people to vote for Trump.
The election of Trump is such a ridiculous event that it only happened because the whole country worked together to make it happen. In a way, every one of us played our own part in it.

I thought The Walking Dead had one of the greatest pilots I had ever seen, but I was bored of the series by the end of its 6 episode first season and haven’t watched it since. Did I miss anything?

Watched first two episodes of Arrested Development season 5, and it feels a lot more like old AR than season 4. Biggest laugh was Lucille reacting to Trump in ep 2.
“Clever twist.”

I don’t get ESPN bringing back Keith Olbermann unless someone there really misses firing him.

Remember when people took Keith Olbermann seriously as a political commentator? That feels like a million years ago.