Lactose the Intolerant wrote this back in 2013. — The Editors

I just found out that I have to travel out to DC for an FDA conference, which has me thinking again about the TSA and their x-ray scanner devices.  Generally speaking, I’m not a conspiracy nut, well, except for the fact that we never went to the moon, and that whole 9/11 thing, and the fact that Obama was born in Hawaii and Kenya and South Africa simultaneously (he’s really evil triplets: google it), but these new peekaboo scanners in the airports just seem to smack way too much of some grand conspiracy. 

Now, who would want to conspire and use such a device?  I reckon we can employ the old Socratic method to unravel this hemp rope.  What type of folk really don’t care if their lovins are blowing about in the breeze for all to see?  What types of folk would gladly board any plane stark raving naked if such indecency weren’t currently unlawful?  Well, I’ll tell you who.  It’s those same folk who were prancing around butt naked in the mud at that Woodstock thing.  It’s those gosh darn hippies, of course.

I’m often told that the only way to properly deduce who is really behind a grand conspiracy is to answer the simple question: Who benefits?  Because we all know that anyone who reaps good from an event must have been the mastermind behind it.  There are no coincidences, and, if history has taught us anything, it’s that the sociological and political outcomes of any event are easily predicted.  If I pat Elly Sue Jenkins on the tush, I’m gonna get a slap across the face.  It happens every time, and no one benefits from it.  Well, maybe I benefit a little, or else, why would I keep patting her on the tush?  But where are you going with all this, you may ask?  Exactly how do the hippies benefit from the airport peepshow?  Well, let me enlighten you. 

I’m not a doctor, but I take little Jimmy to one every time I push… I mean everytime he falls down the well.  And every time Doc points that x-ray thing at him, he puts a big old lead codpiece round little Jimmy’s nether regions.  I asked the Doc what this was all about, and he said, and I’m quoting this pretty straight, “Without the lead blocking the rays, Little Jimmy’s manhoods would shrivel up like raisins in the sun and be about as much use to him as an empty shotgun during season.”  Now, who exactly would want to remove all the shells from our proverbial shotguns?

Coincidentally (or is it) a hippie family moved in down the street, and, while I can’t generally abide them, I have had the misfortune of overhearing their rants now and again.  Now, to hear them talk, it sounded rather like Agent Smith from those Keanu Reeves movies.  Mankind is destroying the earth on account of there are way too many of us.  And the only solution is to stop breeding.  So, who is it that wants to dry up our loins?  Who is it that wants to blast our seed into a thin paste with concentrated x-ray beams?  Who benefits and gets exactly what they want by forcing as many of us as possible through these new Superman X-ray vision machines?  I’m just asking questions, but the answer is clear.  And, I’ll tell you what, hippies, you can have my seed when you pry them from my cold dead fingers.  Elly Sue, however, you can have my seed anytime you want.  Call me. 

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]