Start by pouring the crime into a wide-mouthed, thick-bottomed pot to allow for faster evaporation and more even heating. Place the pot over medium heat and bring the crime to a simmer, being careful not to let it boil rapidly, as this can cause curdling or scorching.
Definitionally…
Replace the police force with City Hall officials…
Get shorter criminals.
Conscript the Chicago Teachers Union into the police force – they’re not doing anything now…
There won’t be shorter sentences, but they will be more grammatical.
There’s no evidence for either of those things…
Lure Batman away from Gotham City…
…but we both know this is next to impossible when Catwoman is in heat.
Change the slogan from Nuke the Moon to Nuke Chicago?
Snake Plisskin.
Install Ring cameras in the doorways out of which the bullets rip to the sound of the beat.
UnderDOGE!
Replace the coins that gangsters flip with easily traceable bitcoins.
Keep Jussie Smollett the hell out of town.
Close all the welfare hotels. They aren’t filled with anything but:
For every apprehension the arresting officer gets a free donut.
Start by pouring the crime into a wide-mouthed, thick-bottomed pot to allow for faster evaporation and more even heating. Place the pot over medium heat and bring the crime to a simmer, being careful not to let it boil rapidly, as this can cause curdling or scorching.
Change it’s name and join the witness protection program.
Mrs. O’Leary’s cow comes to mind.
Section 8 basements.
Weekly peewee rodeos produce young aspiring ropers.
Coed prisons and the streets clean up themselves.
Have they tried stricter gun control laws?