Okay, well, it’s been kind of hard to get my photos out from my tagging along in the Hajj because cell coverage sucks around here. Plus, they make you take of jewelry and cell phones and any kind of adornment,so it’s been really sneaky of me disguising my cell phone camera as an insulin pump

Everybody is just sitting around, with a few groups of people playing charades.
One guy sticks his fingers up alongside his head like horns and makes grunting sounds.
“Yahood! Yahood!” they shout.
Then they throw rocks at him.
Isn’t this fun?

Every now and then, someone goes to “The Little Martyr’s Room” off where the Saudis said they’d put portapotties, but every year they forget and then blame the American contractors.
I swear, if you handed a Saudi a shovel and told them to made a hole, they’d shoot you and say “There, I made a hole in you.”
These jackasses wouldn’t know work if it bit them on their fourth wife’s ass.

I’ve made a ton of money renting out my beard-trimmer.
This guy, for instance, all scraggly, right? Well, ten minutes with my Norelco, and he was looking like Omar Sharif.
Took him just five minutes to score with a chick, he was so dapper.
Booyah!

The line for McDonalds was out the door, around the block, and down the street.
And yet, the local restaurants barely had any customers.
Tourists!

My guide told me that the big black thing in the middle of the stadium is really an Apple Store, they just haven’t gotten all the comptuers in, so they let Starbucks put their signs up on it.
How nice of Steve Jobs, even though he’s still a shareholder-swindling prick.

So I was listening to Mecca Radio (“Traffic and Weather every ten minutes!”) when I heard that Colonel Qadafi wanted Jews and Christians to be allowed into Mecca, too.
And I was like “Wow… you mean they aren’t allowed in right now?”
Everybody laughs.
Then stops laughing.
This is when my guide said “Run!”

The lcoals put together a posse and nearly caught up to us, but every so often, someone would call to prayers, and they’d all stop and drop and bow.
Why the hell we can’t bomb the crap out of these people when they’re praying instead of waiting until they’re done praying and can man the antiaircraft batteries is beyond me. Those nutbags at the Pentagon are a bunch of PC pussies, if you ask me.

This man tried to sell me his wooden leg.
I waited until he fell asleep, and then stole it.
Sucker!

That leg came in handy, swinging it at the horde of angry Muslims chasing me out of town.
Some of these guys had broken bottles and knives!

They chased us to the Plain of Arafat, where they all stopped and began to sodomize children while Czech intelligence officers taped them.
“Can we stop running now?” I asked my guide.
“Do you want to rape little boys?” the guide asked.
“I’d prefer not to,” I said.
The guide spat at me and we continued down the road.

Sometimes, the Saudis run out of little boys for the Arafat-molesters, so they send out their army with men in yellow glow-in-the-dark vests that say “BOY” in the back.
These guys link up hands, and then they bend over for the crowds to take them.

This guy’s got to be bragging.
Three, four inches – tops.
Apparently, this is how people get trampled to death. They brag about how long their Johnsons are, then someone says “No way!” and they fight and the line surges over them, everybody tripping.

Uh, right. That’s not what your three wives and five daughters are saying.
Jesus, these people are such liars!

Okay, this is the fun part. We’re in Mina, and we’re throwing rocks at pillars that represent the Devil.
“How can he be all three pillars at once?” I ask.
The guide tells me that it’s really the Devil, Donald Trump, and George Bush.
“41 or 43?” I ask.
He shakes his head and we move on.

This guy was having GOLDENPALACE.com written on his head.
Anything for a buck, these Arabs!

This place was like a Koranic Wheel Of Fortune.
People shouted out letters, and a frenzied woman in a fancy abaya ran from tile to tile, turning letters.
When people didn’t get a letter right, they’d stone her to death.
Someone tell Merv Griffin about this. I hope he sues them.

When it was all over, they held a Doggie Circus and everybody laughed and cheered.
Fifty people were trampled to death when it came time to pet the dogs.