Ok, so I’m a day behind on Idol. Big whoop. Last night was a big whoop night anyway. Maybe I’ll get tonight’s recap up by late tonight, or maybe it’ll be up tomorrow. Don’t tell me who the big loser is tonight! (I’m guessing Kiki and her giant boobies, which she unbridled anew last night. Yes, that’s my official prediction: LaKisha and her enormous milk canisters and even more enormous ego — HE’S BARRY GIBB! LISTEN TO HIM! — go home tonight. Word to your mothers. And if it’s not her, it’s Comrade Blahk. Eastern Blahk, that is. Haaaaaa, I’m hilarious. You know it. Laugh.) BTW, LaKisha? Nothing but a panderer.
Anyway, on with last night. Let’s pretend I’m just now watching for the first time.
Hey y’all! Blake looks like a communist in headlights as the only guy left in the running this year. Is that Judge Judy in the audience? It totally looks like her. Ryan says it’s important to vote. And you know what? He’s right, because Joey and Kym were in the bottom two last night? What?? And it’s true, I forgot to vote. Ian and Cheryl danced to that commie song! Not to mention that Ian isn’t even in the same league with Joey or Laila or Apolo O-Yes (whoa). The clear top two are Apolo and Julianne and Joey and Kym. Laila and Maks are third (sorry, but she has total spaghetti arms, and his choreography is not nearly as inventive! Plus, he totally tried to snake Mike Modano’s girl last year, so I don’t like him. Boo.), and Ian and Cheryl are fourth. I guess there are a lot of thirty-something gay guys out there who LOVED 90210 still voting for Ian and Cheryl. It’s the only explanation. I mean, you saw Cheryl’s face when they were not in the bottom two, right? She was like, “Holy crap! I want a recount! Did you even see the way this guy holds onto me like I’m a mildewy rag he’s taking to the hamper? ‘Ew, ew, ew, it’s a woman, get it off me!’ Are you sure we’re not in the bottom two? They show his hair on TV, right?”
/DWTS tangent
So tonight they sing twice. I was wrong, Frank was right. And it’s Barry Gibb night. Yes, yes, yes. I LOVE the BeeGees and all forms of any Gibb anywhere.
OH! Seriously (not to say that my talk about loving Gibbs is not serious, because peeps, it IS serious, just ask my mom, who got me hooked, Jordin), I was painting or cleaning the kitchen last night when the show was on, i.e., not looking at the screen, and when they played the BeeGees hit parade, I happily listened until “How Deep is Your Love” came on. And it sounded soooo. Verrrrrry. ‘NSYNC. I know the period thing is so. two. years ago. But it was warranted there, I promise. I almost knocked myself out trying to run to the TV. THEY WORKED WITH ‘NSYNC? How did I miss it? No, it was the BeeGees alone. Awesome.
“We’re living in a world of fools…” Enough with the Sanjaya jokes, ok? It’s over.
And when did Barry Gibb decide that he’s Sean Connery? I could not get over it last night. Every time he spoke, I would bust into some James Bond line or other poor Connery impression. Frank eventually jumped into the game, too, even though he was painting the guest room. It looks great, btw. The color is so rich in there! And you look out the window, and there’s a palm tree. I’m not a big fan of palm trees. But it looks pretty, and I hear Floridians love them.
01 Melinda’s first song is “Love You Inside and Out,” which Barry was confused by, because it’s supposed to be a falsetto man song, and she isn’t going falsetto on it. Eventually he says she pulls it off, but I don’t see her shining on this. Mebbe, mebbe neh. Melinda says her goal is to take a group song and make it work in a solo. Uhhhhh… that’s so unusual on American Idol? Didn’t you have to do it just last week on Bon Jovi week? Anyway, I heart her, so I don’t want to bag on her too much. She looks great. Dark jeans, modest funky cool black blouse, black boots, cool jewelry, okay hair. She does fine on the song, but she’s not stretching herself or going for it or anything. I don’t feel like she’s putting herself out there like she’s Kiki’s boobies or Haley’s hoo-hah or Seacrest’s ambiguity. RANDY: Another solid performance. I don’t know if I was jumping up and down. SARAHK: Did you feel any jiggling movements? That’s how I can tell if I’m jumping up and down. Mainly my thighs and boobs start to hurt. We probably feel it in the same places. RANDY: But you know, it was good. PAULA: You know, it’s hard to critique you, because your vocals are spot on. We want to say whoa whoa whoa whoa. You’re consistent. SARAHK: Kind of like Pauler with the collagen and vodka. And wow, check out the eyeshadow on her tonight. SIMON: I think what Pauler was attempting to say was that was she wasn’t that impressed by it. You know, four people left… I expect incredible tonight. SARAHK: Hahahahahaha. Jordin and Melinda are the only ones who aren’t generally predictable, and Melinda is in danger of becoming boring. SIMON: That was not incredible. That was more of a backing vocalist’s performance. You are better than that. Luckily, you’ve got a second song. RYAN: Paula, is that what you were trying to say? PAULA: It’s good that I’m short and succinct, because we’re going to go over tonight because of him. SARAHK: Usually aren’t you the warble gooby deedler? SIMON (to Ryan with glee): You just got cut off by the music. SARAHK: Boof on you! In your face! Oh, snap! Y’all, it’s gettin’ hot up in here.
02 Comrade Blahk Ilyich Lewis is up next, and he is singing “You Should Be Dancing.” Barry says the beatboxing really suits the song, because there’s a breakdown area in the song. Ouch, right off the bat, we have issues. We now have white skunk tiger stripes in Comrade Blahk’s black hair, and I cannot take this joke seriously. He’s kidding, right? And he’s wearing flowers on his jacket. And some kind of priest collar. With the flowers. I’m pretty sure that’s a girl jacket. I think this week he is definitely trying for the Yoko look. If he comes in with little round glasses tonight or next week if (shudder) he’s back, we’ll know for sure that he is trying to be a Yoko Ono knockoff. The song isn’t too bad, except the very first note, which is way off-key. I don’t know, dawg, the falsetto on this was actually a’ight, and the skipping and whatnot was ok, but the overall effect just was way too… misguided, Arrested Development fans. Misguided. Mr. F. RANDY: Sometimes when you do the beatboxing it works. Tonight it didn’t work. Just keepin’ it real. This song didn’t need any of that. I just felt like I was in some weird discotheque in some foreign country. SARAHK: cough Germany cough SIMON: Germany. SARAHK: Ha. PAULA: I have a different take on that. I think it started a little off. Your pitch was off. You didn’t have the best night. You showed why you’re unique and why you’re on that stage. SARAHK: You had quite a lot of criticisms, so why not just tell him that he showed why he should go home? CRICKETS: chirp SARAHK: Too mean for Pauler? Oh yeah. SIMON: I’ll give you unique. And I know that this is a matter of personal taste, but I thought that that was a terrible performance. MUSIC: Do doot do doot do doot do doot… SIMON: I haven’t finished. SARAHK: Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

03 LaKisha’s first song is “Stayin’ Alive.” Ok, see, old LaKisha is back right from the beginning of her first clip, you know… where she acts like she realizes that the legends who have actually made it in showbiz and know how to get to where she wants to go are smart, and then she disses them onstage by ignoring the advice they give? Because She’s KIKI! DREAMGIRL EXTRAORDINAIRE…Y. LaKisha pretends that she’s listening to what Barry says in his critique. She’s singing the whole song low, doesn’t even go up on “staying aliiiiii-hiiii-hiiii-hiiive,” she’s keeping it down in this stupid I’m-doing-my-own-Kiki-thang register because she’s decided that it’s break-out-the-boobies-and-phone-in-the-song week again. And when we were watching last night, and she started acting like, oh yeah, these are great things he’s saying to me! He’s BARRY GIBB! You know, like any normal person would think. I just knew that old predictable phoner Kiki was just playing nice with the legend so she could juxtapose that with her in-your-face-I-don’t-need-your-advice performance onstage. Ok, I know I’m repeating myself, but my shoulders hurt, and I don’t want to go back and edit. Deal! Anyway, Barry likes the slower version she’s doing (I hate it, it’s a fast song). Alright, so on with the show. The first song, LaKisha actually has the chesties hugged in tight in a real blouse! I didn’t see that last night, I only actually saw the second song, because after her fake niceness with Barry, I walked in the other room and listened and cringed while I painted. Hideous, the performance. She looks good in this outing. The arrangement is a mess, because LaKisha learned it at the Ruben Studdard House of Lazy. She’s pitchier than Kellie Pickler on standards night. Dang, I wish I’d thought of this last year. Cadet came up with Bewitched, Butchered, and Bewildered. I should have come up with Bepitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, which is almost as good. I’m a year late on that joke. Clam chowdah! (Frank never ever gets the clam chowder reference when I say it, just looks at me blankly, please please, somebody remember that one for me.) And she’s just butchering everything. Laying out in parts, not singing for most of the song, letting the backup singers do all the work… Whatever. Enough about Kiki, I hated it, it sucked, what more about it can I say? Next, please. Oh yes, the judges. RANDY: It’s good you guys got two songs tonight. I know you were trying to make it your own, but it wasn’t working. All the stopping and starting with the melody. Baby, I don’t know. You tried to do too much with it, there was too much going on. PAULA: It’s always good to gauge the audience, and everyone is on their feet. SIMON: They’re heading for the exits. SARAHK: Yay! PAULA: They’re not heading for the exits, Simon! But taking the tempo down brought everyone on their feet wanting to dance kinda brought the mood down and yah, so what. SARAHK: I don’t think she liked it, but why, Pauler? Why can’t you say it? Just say it. At least tell her she’s pretty. SIMON: Well, no kiss tonight. You’re back to the shouting again. It was bordering on scary in parts. Not great tonight so far. RYAN: Clearly, Simon not the kind that calls back after a first date to see how you’re doing. SARAHK: Well if she puts out on the first date, there’s no point, is there?
I said it out loud, didn’t I?
Oh yes, about the pandering. LaKisha is the Hillary of this American Idol season. Who do you want your Kiki to be? She’ll be it for you. Unless you are SarahK, of course. You want Chesty McKnockersville? She’s your gal. You want someone to pretend she thinks you’re the smartest musical legend ever ever? She’s on it. Kiki will even cover the cleavage and talk about growing up in church when she’s on the bubble and needs to grab some religious voters. Single moms? LaKiki is just like you. In fact, she is Fantasia 2.0, or so she believes.
She don’t feel no ways tired. She’s come too far from where she’s started from. Nobody told her that the road would be easy.
Coming back from the break, Ryan says he spit on Jordin. Okie doke. First time he’s exchanged spittle with a girl. Congratulations, Jordin! What has Jordin learned about herself? Blah blah blah. And she’s doing school, too, and her grades are good. As and Bs.
04 Jordin’s first number will be “To Love Somebody.” Barry says over 200 people have done this song (hello, royalties), and he likes Jordin’s version the best. That’s high praise from a Bee Gee. Jordin looks cute. Nice hair. It’s flat-ironed with long juice-can curls at the ends, very pretty (not that I don’t adore her normal tight curls). Jeans, long top that I wish covered her above the chest better. Jordin went to the Melinda Doolittle School of Humility (thank you The Soup) and has officially taken over the I-can’t-believe-they’re-cheering-for-me gig on the show. It’s cuter on her, though, because that crazy smile just makes you almost forget she’s doing it. Oh yeah, about the singing. It was good, I’ll give her very good, not great. Best of the night so far. She almost got screechy in a spot or two, and the goat vibrato came out once, so I was worried, but then she got over the nerves and handled the rest of it much better. RANDY: That’s probably the best vocal so far, Aretha, Mariah, ya-ya. Jordin, so far, you’re winnin’, baby. PAULA: Not probably, Jordin. Definitely the best vocal so far. SIMON: Best song choice, best vocal so far, we’re back in the competition. SARAHK: Also best brevity by the judges. And I agree with Simon and Pauler. Randy took too long to get to where he was going.
01 Melinda is up again and has Inane Viewer Email. What is the first tape or CD she ever bought? Tape, because she’s a little older. Yeah, I had vinyl LPs, so shut yer pie hole, Doolittle. And mine, I do believe, was Madonna’s eponymous album. Do I sound smart when I use that word? No, I didn’t think so. Or was it Cyndi Lauper’s She’s So Unusual? I can’t remember, which means I’m getting old. Melinda’s was Michael Jackson’s Bad, which her mom crossed out and put “Good.” I think Mrs. Doolittle might have been wrong about Mr. Jackson (allegedly). Melinda stammers over why she’s shy about her answer (she doesn’t just come out and say, “because I grew up religious, and I’m religious, and Michael Jackson isn’t exactly the role model religious parents want their children looking up to.” She uhhs and wells and… Poor girl. I’da said, “Michael Jackson is creepy, and I didn’t know he would grow up and (allegedly) have other people’s children come sleep in his bed at his amusement park house! And I love Jesus, and if y’all don’t like it, you can just GO TO HEAVEN!” Then people would call me an extremist and possibly a hatemonger.)
So. Melinda is singing “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart,” and Barry’s like, why are you not singing the part about “how can a loser ever win?” and Melinda’s like, “I’m not gonna sing about being a loser on American Idol.” Ohhhhh, Melinda, I ADORE you. You get my vote, just for giving me the shout out tonight, girly girl! I love it when they just come out and say, “I read SarahK’s writeups, and she says don’t sing stuff about going home.” Barry agrees she can leave out the lyric about being a loser. Second time out, she looks great and classy again. New dress, prettier hair even. I have to ask, because I don’t know… the “la la la la la” part… is that in the song, or did she cover forgetting the words? I’m guessing it’s in the song. She would not forget the words. She’s too Melinda for that. The first half is a little low-key, but then she gets into it near the end, and she’s great. She can do the big notes like Jordin, too. See, if she’ll pull out more of those, plus do all that other rockin’ stuff she does, all in one song so that she makes a super-exciting song? Finals for the Doolittle. She needs a nickname. RANDY: Yo yo, resident pro, much better this time, look SarahK can rhyme. PAULA: No doubting, beautiful vocal. Throwback to Stephanie Mills. But throw away your technique and surprise us. I keep waiting for you to jump out. RANDY: Yeah yeah. SARAHK: Yeah yeah. SIMON: You don’t understand a word of that, do you? SARAHK: Oh, look at the freeze-frame on the DVR. She has the funniest face on right now. SIMON: I think the 2nd half of that song has put you into the semifinals. SARAHK: I surely hope so.
02 Comrade Blahhhhk Vissarionovich Lewis (google it and find out who was born with that middle name, because I worked for it, peeps) has picked for a second song “This is Where I Came In,” because it’s an obscure song, and it won’t be compared to the original by many people. Blahhhhk with the skunk hairdo said so himself. Barry is like, “What? That’s crazy, you’re stupid for picking that one.” Barry says, “We thought that song could be a hit. We were wrong. But maybe Blake can put a contemporary beat to it and make a hit out of it.” Considering that he’s not butchering one of the bestest disco classics of all-time here, I actually like this one better than the first. It’s boring, but it’s not offensive.
OH! BY THE WAY! I totally forgot to make note of the fact that LaKisha didn’t even hint at the Saturday Night Fever dance during “Stayin’ Alive.” I wouldn’t have wanted to see that, but it goes with the song, and come on. I would have wanted to see it. I ain’t a liar.
Anyway, back to Vasiliy. RANDY: I do think this was definitely better than the last one. Remember, you ain’t gotta beatbox on every joint, man. SARAHK: Just like you ain’t gotta say joint on every joint, man. RANDY: I mean, we know you can do it, and I liked that little reggae spin you put on it, but I don’t know man. PAULA: But if he can, he can. RANDY: I know, but it gets old. SARAHK: Check out the freeze-frame on Pauler’s face right now. (Simon laughs at Pauler — he must have the freeze-frame too. Yay Tivo, right, Simon?) PAULA: Blake, I don’t know that song, but you, do you like M&Ms? I do sometimes. Dipped in vodka and stuff. And it was spot-on-key. SARAHK: Spot-on-key? Pauler, you’re mixing your spot-on and your on-key. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that, like I don’t think you’re supposed to mix certain alcohols, not supposed to mix the words “black” and “licorice,” and not supposed to mix the words “Pace” and “picante.” SIMON: I don’t know why you chose that song, I found it completely tuneless, I don’t think you’ve had a good night tonight. You have a lot of young support, which is good. It was a really weird, bizarre song choice. RYAN: Did you think he would get that, going into it? COMRADE: I didn’t think so. SARAHK: Without the young cough dumb cough support, you’re toast. And Kiki shows the udders after the break, so you’d better hope VFTW has picked you for their champion (we forgot to look this week and don’t want to spoil the results show for ourselves).
Oh yeah. We haven’t gone and checked out the finalists for the songwriting competition yet. I’ll get back to you on that, because we totally don’t want a stinker for the first single this year.
Judge Judy in the audience, yes, I was right. Yay me.
03 LaKisha’s second song is “Run to Me,” and Barry gives her some advice that she probably won’t take. Barry says she has two key changes. She says, “Ok, yeah, you’re so smart! Of course I’ll take your advice!” Flotsam and Jetsam are back on display in her black and green cleavage dress. Oh, however many snaps in a Z formation (was it 3 or 4?), I just got a wicked migraine in my left eye. They cut the video weird, so it’s hard to tell what advice he gave her exactly, so I don’t know if she followed it. The singing is better on her second outing until the end when she is completely cracky and offkey on the next-to-last note (I remember yelping at that one last night). I put her squarely at the bottom tonight. I actually think she’ll go home. That’s my prediction. RANDY: I know you got a little hoarse at the end, but it was much better than the first joint that you did tonight. SARAHK: Ahem. See above re: joint. RANDY: But that was good, that was good. PAULA: Don’t worry about that note at all. You’re still a champ. SARAHK: She was a champ? SIMON: It still wasn’t great, and I think you and Blake are vulnerable tonight. SARAHK: I agree. If she doesn’t go home, Blahhhhhk will.
04 Jordin’s second JOINT is “A Woman in Love,” and Barry tells her she has a choice with every high note whether to go intense or stay gentle. In other words, she has control, dawg. And he highly compliments her and says that he thinks she will be one of our great female recording artists. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say she could win it all this year. If she works on that screechy thing and the goat vibrato thing. And she only does that when she’s nervous, it seems (my goat vibrato comes out when I’m nervous, I admit it). Or maybe when her voice is tired? This second song, not so great. It was still good, but she was better on the first song tonight. She looks pretty, and she was still the best tonight overall, but Melinda’s second was better than Jordin’s second. I give Jordin the win by a nose. The two of them were far ahead of the Comrade and Chesty No-Vesty. RANDY: Yo check it out. I don’t think it was your best. It was pitchy. It’s a tough song to sing, so let’s give props to Barry Gibb. PAULA: Jordin, you’re beautiful, and yeah, I can’t think of anything nice to say other than that. Simon, please, take over. SARAHK: If only you had said it for reals. SIMON: I love the song. It was a bit old fashioned. It was very pageanty. But you’re seventeen, Jordin. Aren’t you? SARAHK: I think he’s dismissing the pageanty thing there? I don’t know. Anyway, yeah, your first JOINT was way better. But I love you, dawg.
Jordin*
Melinda*
Chesty
Comrade
Prediction: Comrade Blahk goes booooo-bye. UPDATE: Obviously that’s not what I meant to write in this space, because above I wrote this big long predictive sentence about Chesty going booooo-bye. So. Prediction: Chesty goes booooo-bye.