Two chicks and a communist walk onto a stage. No wait. I have no punchline. Scratch that.
Tonight, the judges each pick a song to sabotage someone, the producers pick a song to sabotage someone, the contestants pick a song to sabotage themselves.
01 Jordin is home in Glendale, Arizona, and the mayor tells her that Simon says (haha) to sing “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce. Jordin smiles big and claps and thinks, “I have no idea what that is!” Me either! Huh. So I wouldn’t have thought Simon would want to sabotage Jordin with such a boring song. Was it this boring in 1977? Should I come out now and admit that R&B generally makes me want to fry all my electronics so I can’t hear it? Ok, maybe my reaction isn’t that violent, but it does give me the blahs. I mean, all I ask for in a song is that it have a characteristic. Any characteristic. I guess uncharacteristic is a characteristic. Ok, you win, R&B. I give up. I hate the baby doll dress. I mean, I like it in the privacy of my own home. I have one like it in lime green, actually. I wear it when Frank and I are about to, you know, DO IT. White top, colored bodice, spaghetti straps, matching undies. I like the hair, though. Cute. I can’t say anything bad about the vocals, she sounded great, but the song was so change-the-station for me. RANDY: This is where I’m trying to see who’s in it to win it. That was a very good vocal, kinda blah blah blah Beyonce… SARAHK: Yes, you did remind me of Stephanie Edwards. ROWDI: Woof, woof, woof. SARAHK: LOL! RANDY: Yo, that was hot. PAULA: Simon picked a good song for you. SIMON: You sang it brilliantly, Jordin. I just wish we hadn’t done the weird jazz arrangement. I like the pure version of the song better. RYAN: So you didn’t like the song you chose. SIMON: No, you’re gay. RYAN: Were you surprised he chose that song for you? JORDIN: I had actually never heard that song before… SARAHK: No! JORDIN: So I was like “Ooooookay” but I loved it, so thank you! SARAHK: Just once, I want to hear a contestant say, “Thanks for sabotaging me. But I have two other songs tonight, and I’ll try to sing the crap out of them to bring myself back from the brink that your choice got me to. Hopefully these other numskulls chose equally nondescript songs for the other two! Go Jordin!”
02 Blake is in Bothell, Washington, where his Baby Mayor tells him that Paula chose “Roxanne” by the Police for him. That’s cute. Paula is having him sing about prostitution. So adorable for “family” shows. Song choice notwithstanding, commie thing notwithstanding, lemme try to opine. He looks fine, whatever. Is he trying to sing offkey, though? Maybe I haven’t heard “Roxanne” in a long time, but I remember the first syllable of that sweet prostitute’s name being higher in most cases than Blake is singing it. It’s almost like he’s singing Roxanne Lite, taking it lazy. Is it just me? Because I am thoroughly exhausted. It could be just me. RANDY: Great, great performance, I like the whole thing with the one hand on the mic stand. There were a couple of spots in there for me, and I’ve gotta give it an A. SARAHK: Huh. PAULA: (Seal clap.) SARAHK: Yay! And look at all your collagen and lip gloss! Yay! PAULA: You did me proud. I thought you were fantastic. You felt comfortable up there, you changed phrasing. It was good, it was fresh. SARAHK: Huh. SIMON: I’m not going to call that earthshattering, because it wasn’t. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: The problem with that song is that you’re always going to do an impression of Sting. SARAHK: That was NOT an impression of Sting. SIMON: It was good, it wasn’t great. (Boos from audience.) Oh, come on, you can’t say it was fantastic.
03 Melinda is in Nashville at the Governor’s mansion, it would seem, and the Governor says, “I don’t receive any faxes that start with ‘Check it out.’ Nice, Randy. And Randy can’t even refrain from name-dropping in his fax to the governor. The song is from one of the greatest singers in the known world, “and I’ve worked with her before.” Melinda is singing “I Believe in You and Me” by Whitney Houston. Have you, Randy? Have you worked with your pal Whitney? Then, this is my favorite part, the Governor misreads Randy’s name as “Randy Johnson.” Hahahahaha. Maybe he’s a baseball fan. He quickly corrects himself. Then, this is one of the reasons I love Melinda, Melinda smiles at the camera and says, “Thank you, Randy Johnson.” Yes, thank you for Melinda’s song choice. You’re the only one who picked a good song. Melinda’s hair looks great. I think she’s wearing Jordin’s hair from last week. I’ve wanted to hear her sing a balladish type song, and I knew she would do well. This is great. There’s a spot at the end where she almost has a little bit of trouble on the long, low note, but she pulls it out. Best of the night so far. Oh, and Frank was reading The Corner earlier for debate news and told me that K-Lo said Blake won round one… So they must have had a side game of Rock Paper Scissors going tonight, right? Because his offkey, lazy, half-rendition of the prostitute song was not half as good as Melinda’s first outing, and while Jordin was boring and wearing some of my lingerie, she was technically much better than Blake. K-Lo, I don’t like calling out other people on their opinions, because that’s just what they are–opinions–but to quote Randy’s good friend Whitney, crack is whack. RANDY: Check it out. I wanted to throw a little difficulty at you. I figured if you could do this song, you deserve to get the grand prize. You blew it out the box. SARAHK: What box? What does that mean? RANDY: You rose to the occasion, I liked that little falsetto thing. Well done. PAULA: Melinda, you were fantastic, amazing. And I think one of your best performances this season. SIMON: Very very difficult song to sing. I think it was one of your best performances in the last four weeks. SARAHK: Agreed. SIMON: And round one goes to Melinda. SARAHK: No doubt. And winner of Judges Pick the Songs this year is Randy Johnson! Go Big Unit!
Ha. Ryan is impersonating Randy’s yeah yeah yeahs, and Simon asks if he is drunk. “No, I’m totally sober. And totally straight. Unlike you.” “No, you’re gay!”

01 Jordin’s all-time favorite song is “Mmm Bop” by Hanson. I had to pause right there because I knew my eye roll would take that long. Yay Tivo! Even the rah rah AI crowd groans. I just got a comment from spacemonkey that Melinda has it all wrapped up, and after the “Mmm Bop” (am I even spelling that correctly?) thing, I have to agree. Earlier today, while I was telling essay (my bff in Texas) about our trip down the coast with two fully-clawed cats and a 60-lb. dog, I took a break from describing what a horrible idea that was to discuss tonight’s American Idol. I told her I’m completely out on Blake already but that even though it took me a while to warm up to Jordin, I’m having a hard time deciding between her and Melinda. Essay told me that she still kind of likes Blake, and I told her that there is just no coming back from communism in my eyes.
I have to add to that. There is just no coming back from communism and “Mmm Bop.” Melinda wins!
Jordin’s like, What? I’m 17! Seacrest says he has the CD in the car. No!
Jordin’s next song, chosen by the producers, is “She Works Hard for the Money.” Ok, she looks better in this outfit, jeans and a funky navy satin blouse thingy. A little bit of goat vibrato going on at some point. Is it wrong if I don’t like this song? It makes me think of strippers. I think it’s about waitresses, though. Anyway, this seemed like a sabotage song. Bad choice. RANDY: Yo yo yo. Very nicely done. It doesn’t really matter what song you do. That was hot too. SARAHK: It matters to me what song she does, because you can’t get a good performance out of a sucky song. Well, some people can, but it didn’t happen here. I thought it was just chintzy and disco-y. PAULA: Jordin, you worked hard for the money tonight. SARAHK: That’s not even a good bad pun. At least try, Pauler. At least try. SIMON: Actually, it was a very good performance. I think it was a little old fashioned. I think the money note at the end was very good. RYAN: Tonight, Simon is the one not making a lot of sense. SARAHK: So he’s the one whose all-time favorite song is “Mmm Bop”?
02 Blake: If there were a movie made about your life, asks Inane Viewer Email, what would the title be, and who would play you? Jim Carrey. RYAN: Because you’re tall. BLAKE: No, you’re tall. BLAKE: And it would be called Organized Chaos. Producers are having Blake sing “This Love” by Maroon 5. I love this song. That was actually very good. See, that’s exactly the kind of song he should have been singing all along, exactly the kind of tone his voice should have had. That was good. RANDY: When you make a record, when you decide to put out an album, that’s the kind of song you should sing, that’s totally your vibe or something something dawg yeah baby. PAULA: I was hoping that you would do that. You’re totally in your element. This is a good night for you. SIMON: I actually preferred that one to the first one, Blake. You sounded very comfortable, it didn’t sound like a copycat performance, it was good, yeah. SARAHK: Simon, I love how we’re almost always on the same page and stuff. It probably makes you feel special.
03 Melinda’s grandparents are in the audience. Who was her idol growing up? Her mommy. Ryan says it doesn’t make her grandmothers feel good! The producers want to boost her into the finals with “Nutbush City Limits” by Ike & Tina Turner. I’m already excited before she even starts. And she looks great. This is outstanding. The singing, the dress, the performing, the way she owns the stage, the microphone, the mic stand. I think she messed up, right near the end, almost sang a “city” on a pause, but maybe not. I rewound twice to check it out again and am still not sure if it was her or something the band did. Loved it. RANDY: Yo yo. Once again, when you make your record, you should put some of that in your repertoire, because that will lengthen your career. Yeah yeah. I like that. Little Tina Turner, Simon. PAULA: Did you have fun? You look like you had a blast. What else can we say? We love you we love you we love you I love vodka. SIMON: That’s why we hired you for this show, Pauler. Love that side of you. I thought it was, actually, again, another brilliant performance. RYAN: So… who takes that round. RANDY: I’m gonna say Melinda. SARAHK: I give it to Melinda, barely, over Blake. Jordin far behind on this round. Blake close second. PAULA, SIMON: Tie. SARAHK: Tie goes to the runner. I guess that means Melinda, since she’s on stage right now.
01 Jordin has a star at the bottom of the escalator at the mall she used to work at. “Now people can walk all over me!” She has chosen to sing “I Who Have Nothing.” She sang this earlier this season, right? Someone did, and I’m pretty sure it was her. It might have been the first time I actually liked her, the night she first sang it. This was ok, I can’t call it great, because near the end she got a little creaky and scratchy (just keepin’ it real, dawg). She did change it up from the first time she did it, which I like. She’s still wearing PJs. The vibrato got a little nasty at one spot. But it was still ok. I don’t think it was as good as the first time she sang it, because if I’m remembering things right, she shocked me a little that night. RANDY: Listen, I think that was your best performance of the night. Nice control. PAULA: Whatever Randy said. SIMON: There’s no disputing the fact that you sang that song very well, but there’s a part of me that hated that a 17-year-old sang a 60-year-old song. I wish you’d sang something different. SARAHK: I think she chose the right song. She just flubbed it a little near the end. JORDIN: Um, wasn’t Rose Royce in the 70s? SARAHK: She’s got you there… I kind of hate that Simon picked a 30-year-old song for her to sing. (Simon does not look pleased.) But now I have to go relisten to that, because I didn’t think it was as good as they thought it was. Yeah, and on the relisten, it was even screechier than I remember.
02 Wow. Blake must have wet his pants getting to jam with Sir Mix A Lot. I like big butts, too. I especially like wearing one on my backside. For his last song he’s singing “When I Get You Alone” by Robin Thicke. I’m not a fan of this song, I’ll say that right off the bat. That said, it looks and sounds like a hard song to sing, and he’s doing a good job of it. And when it’s over, I’m so happy that it is. RANDY: I see why you chose that. I still like the Maroon 5 vibe better. It was a’ight. PAULA: Three great songs. SIMON: I actually really liked that. Blake, this is what I really liked about you throughout the competition. You take risks. You look like you’re having fun. Blah blah blah. SARAHK: I couldn’t wait for that song to be over. A station-turner if ever there was one. But you sang it well. What a beating.
03 Melinda got a street named after her in Nashville. And she is singing “I’m a Woman,” which is actually what I thought she would sing tonight. I’m smirt. Funny, at the beginning of the song, I can’t understand a word she’s singing. Diana, she needs to pronunciate! But she gets into her groove, dawg. Spirited, rockin’, sexy yet modest. She’s gonna win this thing. I think last week I said Jordin could come around and win it all if Melinda doesn’t stop being boring? Melinda stopped being boring tonight. So. More of not-the-same from Dooooooo (it goes with the baseball semi-theme, see) next week, ok? And she’s the next American Idol. RANDY: Yo yo. SARAHK: Ma! RANDY: I love that I’m seeing the range of Melinda Doolittle. You can sing the phone book. Whatever whatever! PAULA: (I think she said something about vultures and spotlights.) SIMON: Melinda Melinda Melinda. Loved the little striptease at the top. RANDY: What? Striptease? SIMON: Well, she kinda took her jacket off there. SARAHK: Don’t worry, dawg, you can watch it back on Tivo! RANDY: Dang, what’d I miss? I was checkin’ my notes for how many yos and dawgs I’m supposed to throw in after this performance. Just my luck. It’s just like that time I was in the recording studio with Snoop Dogg, my close personal friend, and my other close personal friend Cesar Milan walked by, and I didn’t get to say hi to him because I was looking down at my notes! And I had a question about my dog that day, and there was Cesar, and I missed him. This is just like that. SARAHK: I know, that sucks, man. Dawg. SIMON: I wasn’t finished! SARAHK: Sorry, dawg. SIMON: We’ve known each other for what, eleven weeks on this show? I’ve gotta say, if I’m going to award a place in the finals to the person who has consistently delivered each week, it’s you. SARAHK: Yeah, dawg.
Oh yeah. Prediction. I was all prepared to predict that LaKisha’s votes get split between Jordin and Melinda… but Jordin was pretty off tonight. I’m predicting a Melinda/Blake finale, even though it should be Melinda/Jordin.