Only, my dog wasn’t named Rover.
Pixel Valhalla
Postcards from Barsoom | 21 Aug 2023 | Jon CarterWhen moderns think of the afterlife, if they believe in it at all, they tend to imagine the Great Retirement Village in the Sky. It’s a pleasant grassy field next to a placid lake, where it’s always mid-September, rain never falls from the fluffy white clouds, and the sun is always warm but never hot. Waiting on the shore are Grandmama, Uncle Albert, and Rover, who you haven’t seen since he got hit by a car when you were eight but is of course present because as everyone knows, unlike people, all dogs go to Heaven. Getting into Heaven isn’t hard. You don’t have to believe in God or do anything strenuous, you just have to be sufficiently nice. Maybe there’s a Hell, which isn’t very nice, but only serial killers and Hitler end up there. So long as you’re a pleasant person you don’t have to worry about damnation, anyhow. You’ll go to the good place, and once you’re in, you’ll spend eternity padding around and making chit-chat about old times.
I’m in major trouble if all the stray cats I have sent to the Cat House are there.
Alas, reality is not malleable. In other words, smoking or non-smoking?
Bartender…I’ll have one of whatever Mr.OPPO is drinking….sorry..whats that? Sacramental Wine?..Ok, set me up..
In Hell you spend eternity on your knees gluing cats’ backs to the floor, which is made of sandpaper, all the while it is raining vinegar somehow, even with the flames. Punishment for you and the foul feline beasts.
Or not.
In Hell you listen to Hillary. Constantly.
Can’t be much fun if there’s no Super Bowl.
Always wonder what age you are in Heaven.
I would hope it is whatever age you where happiest at. But that could get awkward. For instance, what if you where happiest at age 26, but you’re wife was happiest at age 9, and your soulmate was happiest at 60? What if your grandma was happiest at age 19 and she was a total smoke show? What if heaven is just full of a bunch of 5 year olds?
My idea of Hell – “He Hit Me” as an anthem of empowerment
If all dogs go to Heaven and if you (by some miracle) end up there too, keep an eye out for Cujo.
If cats have 9 lives, but there are only 7 circles of Hell, where do the other 2 go?
In a Vietnamese Taco?
That would wrap this up neatly.