I don’t have any titles, but I have a pitch for you.
In 1778 Patrick Henry (yeah, that Patrick Henry) sent George Rogers Clark into the Northwest Territory on a secret mission to stop the Harassments of U.S. citizens by British loyalists. He was having a bit of a border crisis, you could say. This is what he had to say publicly about it:
Orders are therefore given to Capt Smith to secure the two men from Kaskasky. Similar conduct will be proper in similar cases. It is earnestly desired that you show Humanity to such British subjects and other persons as fall in your hands. If the white Inhabitants of that post & the neighbourhood will give undoubted Evidence of their attachment to this State (for it is certain they live within its limits) by taking the Test prescribed by Law & by every other way & means in their power, Let them be treated as fellow citizens & their persons & property duly secured. Assistance & protection against all Enemies whatever shall be afforded them & the Commonwealth of Virginia is pledged to accomplish it. But if these people will not accede to these reasonable Demands they must feel the miseries of war under the direction of that Humanity that has hitherto distinguished Americans & which it is expected you will ever consider as the Rule of your Conduct & from which you are in no instance to depart.
Give me liberty, and show me your papers, or GTFO.
So Clark heads out as well and meets with the council of Native American Tribes and delivers this barn burner:
Men an[d] warriors! I pay attention to my words. You informed me yesterday that the Great Spirit had brought us together, and that you hoped, as He was good, that it would be for good. I have also the same hope, and expect that each party will strictly adhere to whatever may be agreed upon-whether it be peace or war-and henceforth prove ourselves worthy of the attention of the Great Spirit. I am a man and a warrior-not a counselor. I carry war in my right hand, and in my left, peace. I am sent by the great council of the big knives, and their friends, to take possession of all the towns possessed by the English in this country, and to remain here watching the motions of the red people; to bloody the patina of those who attempt to stop the course of the river, but to clear the roads from us to those who desire to be in friendship with us, that the women and children may walk in them without meeting anything to strike their feet against. I am ordered to call upon the great fire for warriors enough to darken the land, and that the red people may hear no sound but of birds who live on blood. I know there is a mist before your eyes. I will dispel the clouds, that you may clearly see the cause of the war between the big knife and the English; that you may judge yourselves which party is in the right; and if you are warriors, as you profess to be, prove it by adhering faithfully to the party which you shall believe to be entitled to your friendship, and do not prove yourselves to be only old women.
Now tell me that’s not the framework for a good Western…
100 Ways to Dodge a Gunslinger in the Old West
The Lookers
True Spit
Copperado
Open Grange
The Man Who Dissed Liberty Valance
Prairie Dogs Ride at Sunrise
Cowgirl Up
The Slow Poke Cow Poke
I’vs seen Cowgirl up.
Debbie Does Denver
Debbie Does Tucson
Debbie Does Albuquerque
Debbie Does El Paso
Debbie Does Dodge City
Debbie Does Reno
The Hottest Little Whorehouse in Death Valley
Two Mules, a Saloon, and a Big Sack of Gold For Sister Sara
Or a follow up to the movie ‘Shane’
Shane – The Virgin Kid Rides Again
The Whore Wagon…
It’s the story of a saloon girl and a cowboy. And another cowboy…and another…
“Burning Saddle”
German release title:
“Schnizengruben, Ho!”
McKenna’s Golden Corral
Shooting Up At The OK Corral –
A movie by Hunter Biden
Blazing Aholes
Forty (Wise)Acres and Emu
“Stone-Age Coach” – Western life after the green new deal
“They Cried With Their Booties On” – Mayhem ensues when Gen Z get jobs at a ranch
“Home Alone on the Range” – The wet bandits decide it would be safer and more profitable to steal cattle. Nope. They pick Kevin’s ranch.
“Butch Brandon and His Dumb Dunce Kid” – self explanatory
“Pail Rider” — Someday he’ll work his way up to horses.
“The Good, Bad, Mad, Mad, Wild, Wild West” — Sort of a crossover mash-up mess.
I don’t have any titles, but I have a pitch for you.
In 1778 Patrick Henry (yeah, that Patrick Henry) sent George Rogers Clark into the Northwest Territory on a secret mission to stop the Harassments of U.S. citizens by British loyalists. He was having a bit of a border crisis, you could say. This is what he had to say publicly about it:
Orders are therefore given to Capt Smith to secure the two men from Kaskasky. Similar conduct will be proper in similar cases. It is earnestly desired that you show Humanity to such British subjects and other persons as fall in your hands. If the white Inhabitants of that post & the neighbourhood will give undoubted Evidence of their attachment to this State (for it is certain they live within its limits) by taking the Test prescribed by Law & by every other way & means in their power, Let them be treated as fellow citizens & their persons & property duly secured. Assistance & protection against all Enemies whatever shall be afforded them & the Commonwealth of Virginia is pledged to accomplish it. But if these people will not accede to these reasonable Demands they must feel the miseries of war under the direction of that Humanity that has hitherto distinguished Americans & which it is expected you will ever consider as the Rule of your Conduct & from which you are in no instance to depart.
Give me liberty, and show me your papers, or GTFO.
So Clark heads out as well and meets with the council of Native American Tribes and delivers this barn burner:
Men an[d] warriors! I pay attention to my words. You informed me yesterday that the Great Spirit had brought us together, and that you hoped, as He was good, that it would be for good. I have also the same hope, and expect that each party will strictly adhere to whatever may be agreed upon-whether it be peace or war-and henceforth prove ourselves worthy of the attention of the Great Spirit. I am a man and a warrior-not a counselor. I carry war in my right hand, and in my left, peace. I am sent by the great council of the big knives, and their friends, to take possession of all the towns possessed by the English in this country, and to remain here watching the motions of the red people; to bloody the patina of those who attempt to stop the course of the river, but to clear the roads from us to those who desire to be in friendship with us, that the women and children may walk in them without meeting anything to strike their feet against. I am ordered to call upon the great fire for warriors enough to darken the land, and that the red people may hear no sound but of birds who live on blood. I know there is a mist before your eyes. I will dispel the clouds, that you may clearly see the cause of the war between the big knife and the English; that you may judge yourselves which party is in the right; and if you are warriors, as you profess to be, prove it by adhering faithfully to the party which you shall believe to be entitled to your friendship, and do not prove yourselves to be only old women.
Now tell me that’s not the framework for a good Western…
Cool story bro.
Sequel to ‘Of Mice and Men’ –
‘Little Mouse On The Prairie’
Lennie v Predator. – a too much love story
Josey Wales and the Pussycats.
The Magnificent Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Cheech and Chong’s Hang ‘Em High.
All of the above, hi-freakin- larious. To quote Bart Simpson: “I got nothin…”
The Aramo, Japanese version.
, 😂🤣
Brig of Doom.