Hillary Clinton doesn’t actually have large thighs. The specially tailored pants suits she wears to conceal her harpy wings just make it look that way.

Hillary Clinton is doing research into quantum mechanics so she can more perfectly hold two contradictory political positions at the same time.

Hillary Clinton’s main reason for seeking the presidency is she’s decided her house could use more furniture.

Hillary once tried putting on an American flag lapel pin, but it burned her like a crucifix.

Hillary Clinton’s favorite type of evil is chunky style.

Hillary Clinton always wins “Scariest Costume.” She has no idea what Halloween is.

Hillary Clinton likes Midwesterners so much she even has an affectionate nickname for them: “Sky fairy worshiping nobodies I fly over on my way to important places.”

If Hillary Clinton isn’t elected president, she will seek revenge by destroying the world… though probably in a less drawn out and painful way than if she ran it.

If Hillary Clinton supporters are going door to door in your neighborhood, just mark your doorpost with lamb’s blood and they’ll not bother you.

Hillary Clinton has a twin in the mirror universe named Clillarly Hinton. Oddly enough, she is also evil but has a less pronounced goatee.

Hillary Clinton regularly breaks all ten Commandments even before breakfast. I don’t know how she breaks “keep the Sabbath holy” on a Tuesday, but shes finds away.

Hillary Clinton’s parents’ last name was actually “Sodom” though they changed it at Ellis Island after immigrating here from Mordor.

Anthropological evidence shows that ancient man had to deal with a creature similar to Hillary Clinton except that it was ten feet tall, had horns, had a spiked tail, and was only half as scary.

As a hobby, Hillary writes research papers on what animals can scream in pain and how loud.

Hillary Clinton can’t visit a maternity ward without pressing up against the window to the nursery and exclaiming, “Mmm… Fresh babies!”