We all want justice, but in our imperfect understanding of what it is, we often commit injustice in its pursuit.

“Love your enemy” is a very radical notion that will always be ahead of its time.

The reason you’re unhappy is not billionaires.

Scrooge McDuck drowning in his money vault
“I’m a victim of capitalism!”

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
That guy loved us more than we love ourselves.

Before you complain about how awful everything is, imagine explaining your complaints to a caveman.
“On the glowing box that gives me access to all knowledge and connects me to all people in the world, some of the people I choose to read on it make me angry.”

Know who would make a terrible retiring assassin? Happys Mikkelsen.

Stop telling people to learn to code. Coding is very difficult. Only I should attempt it for a large fee.

The difference between the income tax and the wealth tax is the difference between someone constantly robbing you on the street and taking what’s in your wallet and someone constantly breaking into your house and pilfering your valuables.

“You don’t think the rich deserve their money, so you want to take it and give it to pedophiles?!”
“No, to politicians.”
“That’s even worse!”

If you’re wondering how screwed up the world is, Aquaman is now the most popular DC comics character ever going by worldwide movie gross.

I’m really looking forward to that upcoming movie where Detective Pikachu hunts down Ted Bundy.

The best way for Lex Luthor to get everyone to turn against Superman is to reveal he’s actually a journalist.

The little miracle of capitalism is two people exchange things and each walk away richer.

I just used GrubHub for the first time. We’re still hanging out at the hospital as our baby is in the NICU, and my wife really deserved some sushi. Who delivered it was grateful for the tip and I was very grateful to get the sushi. Isn’t that a nice exchange.

We have so many great things in modern society; always take some time to appreciate it. You have things way better than 99.9% of people who have lived throughout human history, so theoretically you should complain less than them.

If the Democrats run someone in 2020, they could end up stealing votes away from Howard Schultz causing Trump to be re-elected.

I saw that the cast of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel are seeking pay raises and my first reaction was that they need to pay the actress who plays Susie more because they’re always saying mean things about that character that has to hurt the actress’s feelings too.

With all that’s going on, I wonder if I need to learn how to teach people to code.

I’ve tried to teach my oldest daughter to code, and I did not realize how crazy complicated it is. Thinking back, I coded for like a decade before I even slightly understood what I was doing.
I find that’s a key to engineering, though: Being able to accomplish objectives while only understanding a small percentage of what you’re doing.

If you can get used to the feeling of being completely befuddled and not even having the slightest idea where to start, you can do anything.

Won’t one of the biggest factors for 2020 be whether RBG sticks around? Basic psychology is the potential loss of a seat on the court will be much more motivating to left than the potential gain will be to the right.

If every presidential election devolves into a simple fight over who gets to appoint a judge, that might be an indication that one part of the Constitution wasn’t very well thought out.

I’m planning to run for president in 2020 and steal votes from your preferred candidate unless you pay me one million dollars.

I thought 2016 was pretty dumb, but I now fully expect 2020 to be the least significant presidential election of my lifetime.

If iPhones were American made, they’d cost at least $50 more and be covered in orange cheese dust.

The least sexy part of socialism is using the violence of the state to interrupt peaceful, voluntary exchange.

High healthcare costs are one of those problems that would hard to describe to a caveman. “We have over twice your life expectancy, nearly eliminated women dying in childbirth, and cures for numerous ailments, but get this—it costs money!”

“When a partisan bites down upon a narrative, its jaw locks. No amount of facts can pry it open again.”

Come on, people—don’t you see the scam when a politician tries to get you angry at rich people? Don’t fall for it. Don’t be angry at the rich person; be angry at the politician. Always be angry at the politician.

A bad parking job is a reflection of low moral character.

All this healthcare stuff is like we had one toddler with a hammer try to fix our laptop and now we have a bunch more enthusiastic toddlers with shinier hammers ready to give it another go.

Who is going to stop the rich people from riching us with their many riches?!

Why are young people trying to bring back racism and socialism? It’s like they’re foraging through last century’s trash.

Maybe if you actually met and were friends with some billionaires, you wouldn’t be so scared of them.

It’s kinda funny how much the Democrats are freaking out about the Starbucks guy. “You’re going to steal votes from our candidate who we already assume is going to be terrible!”
Man, I bet Hillary would have liked that Starbucks guy to have run in 2016 so at least then she could blame him.

Can’t wait for the “Gosnell did nothing wrong!” chant at the 2020 Democratic National Convention.

The things Democrats hate the most now are billionaires and babies. If there were a billionaire baby, they would form a lynch mob.
“You’re stealing from the working man and something something women’s health!”

A good slogan for Trump in 2020 to keep all Republicans united behind him would be “Pretty much every bad thing said about him is true, but he still probably wouldn’t murder a baby.”

“If you could go back in time, would you murder baby—“
DEMOCRAT: “Yes.”

To a crying infant, dad is the “Is Pepsi okay?” of parents.

Current mental state: I teared up at “Carry On Wayward Son”
I’m not one of those people who thinks it’s okay for men to show emotion (it’s not), but after nearly a week’s frustration of my son being in the NICU, I allowed that one moment’s lapse. Just was a weird trigger.

The hatred for Howard Schultz is one of the most incoherent political hatreds I’ve ever seen and there is a lot competition for that.

It doesn’t seem tenable having a microscopically thin line between “medical procedure a highly paid doctor performs” and “worst crime a person can commit.”

I’m pretty busy right now, but tell me what your filming schedule is and might be able to play Batman for you.

A uniting factor of the worst views on the left and right is treating certain groups of people as a problem to be solved.

FAT BASTARD: “I eat babies!”
Fat Bastard receives an award for being a champion of reproductive health

No one who is for murdering babies could be a racist.

“I’m not a racist! I’m for dispassionately killing babies of all colors!”

How would you parody all this and make it more ridiculous than the reality? Have Northam wear a funny hat at his press conference?

Waldo is agoraphobic, and each page of a Where’s Waldo book is a window into one of his nightmares.

All these new tax ideas require the government to know too much about you. The government shouldn’t know how much money you have. They shouldn’t know how much you earn. I’m not even sure they should know your last name.

Taxes is the least way in which the rich contribute to society. Focusing on that over everything else is like killing the goose that lays the golden eggs because you like fried goose livers.

I mean literally as a ten year old I realized if I wanted to increase my city’s revenue, I had to focus on growth over raising taxes.

If you want to help people and fix what’s ailing society, stay away from politics and the government as much as possible.

I hope I’m never so libertarian I stop making fun of libertarians.

We’re much more keen to harassment now than when I was younger. Back when I was in high school, my guidance counselor told me “Learn to code” and nothing ever happened to him.

I feel like I’m going crazy, but wasn’t Samuel L. Jackson already in a movie called Shaft? I’m pretty sure I saw it.

People’s fair share of taxes to pay is zero. Anything beyond that, and we’re just trying to spread out the unfairness.

I don’t have cable or an antenna, so I couldn’t watch the Super Bowl. On the other hand, I also can’t watch the SOTU.

I missed the SOTU, but it sounded like everyone had fun. What a success!