Archive of posts tagged News

Bear tunnels

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Quick, if you had $60.5-million, wouldn’t you use it to build bear tunnels? That’s what the state of Georgia is doing.

I’m not sure where it got the $60.5-million. Probably free money. You know, tax money. So, it’s not like it’s money that could have spent on something else. I mean, Georgia has just under 10-million people, so that’s a little over $6 for every man woman and child. And if they gave each resident $6, they’d just spend on something silly, like a McRib meal plus a McFlurry or something equally stupid.

No, Georgia is putting that money to good use, by building bear tunnels.

They’re doing this in three stages. After all, you can’t expect to build all the bear tunnels at once, now could you? The first stage will be in central Georgia, along State Road 96, which runs from US-80 in Geneva to US-441 south of Wilkinson. If you don’t know those places, don’t sweat it; most folks in Georgia haven’t either. But, apparently, the bears know all about it.

According to the report, some scientist people put up cameras along the route to get an idea about bears:

Scientists have also placed remote cameras near current bridges along State Route 96 to monitor the bears’ movement.

“We’re getting pictures of bobcats and deer and all kinds of other species,” (UGA wildlife ecologist Mike) Chamberlain said.

And, as everyone knows, pictures of bobcats and deer near bridges means that bears are off looking for tunnels to safely cross the road.

The state is also are going to build bear tunnels in the norther part of the state, up in the mountains. They’re also going to build bear tunnels down south, near my old stomping grounds, close to the Okefenokee Swamp.

I may take off work and go watch them build that one. I’ve always wanted to see grown men try to build a tunnel in a swamp. That sounds like fun!

Building an army

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A man from Florida has pled guilty to smuggling dinosaurs. Seven of them.

Yep, he had seven dinosaurs. Two of them at his home in Gainesville. I’ve been to Gainesville. Actually lived there for a few months. The thought of someone keeping two dinosaurs in a home there is a little disconcerting. Suppose they had got loose? Could you imagine the carnage?

Anyway, he had two in Gainesville, and five others in various places. As best as I can tell, he didn’t have any rocket launchers.

Which proves that dinosaurs alone aren’t enough. The feds will get you. Gotta have rocket launchers, if you want to build a proper army.

Should’ve built a B-Ark

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Just in case you hadn’t heard, the world is ending tomorrow.

No, really. I read it on the Internet somewhere, so it’s true. And, so have a lot of other people, it seems.

NASA is getting a bunch of calls from people who want to know about the world ending. It’s taking up so much of NASA’s time that they can’t go about their primary mission of Muslim outreach. Well, that, and not being able to send people into space anymore.

NASA has even made a movie to help stop the calls. It’s titled “Why the world didn’t end yesterday” and is supposed to be shown on Saturday. Which really doesn’t stop the calls leading up to Friday. Maybe that backwards line of thinking is why they can’t go into space. Of course, it should help with Muslim outreach. At least, with Muslims in other countries. The ones in this country kinda shake their head at other countries, too.

Anyway, NASA is answering the phone and telling people that it’s all okay and the world won’t end. I think that’s a mistake. They should tell them that the world is going to end.

Caller: “Hello, NASA? I saw that the world will end Friday. Is that right?”

NASA: “Yes, ma’am, that’s correct. We’re doomed. That’s why we’re not sending people into space anymore. There’s no reason. We’re just sitting back, waiting for the world to end. Have a nice day.”

Or

Caller: “Hey, what’s the truth about the Mayan apocalypse?

NASA: “Yes, sir. The planets are all going to line up with the stars and that will cause the earth to capsize just like Guam did. A lot of people will fall off. The lucky ones will land on Mars or the moon, but most of us will just fall away into space. Thank you for calling.”

See what fun that could be? All the stupid people will panic and, oh, I don’t know, do something stupid, but if we all just kinda let them, we’ll weed out all the idiots, and the rest of us will be able to make a go of things.

If only the Mayans had predicted this would happen before the November election.

Feelings

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In the news recently: Feelings.

No, not the Morris Albert song. The president’s. Somebody hurt them, if you’re to believe Bill Clinton.

The former president stood in for the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue at a fundraiser recently, and he related something Obama said to him, the Weekly Standard reports:

“I saw the reports of Governor Romney’s latest ad saying that the president had allowed Jeep to move to China,” said Clinton. “And so this morning, before he left Florida and went back to Washington, he said, ‘You know, of all the things Governor Romney has said that probably hurts my feelings the most.'”

Of course, what Romney said was true: Jeep is going to start making vehicles in China. They aren’t moving jobs to China, they’re adding jobs in China, and not adding those jobs in the U.S. Which means fewer Jeeps exported to China. Which means fewer Jeeps made in the U.S. Which means … fewer jobs in the U.S.?

Anyway, the point is that Romney hurt Obama’s feelings. I wonder how Obama is going to feel in a week.

Endorsements

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This late in the campaign, the endorsements are coming out. Recently, Mitt Romney picked up the endorsements of The Orlando Sentinel, The Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch, and The Tampa Tribune. The biggest news out of these is that the Orlando paper had endorsed Obama four years ago.

But, the president isn’t without his supporters. He’s picked up three endorsements, too. And these endorsements carry a lot of influence. Obama has the support of Hugo Chavez, Raul Castro, and Vladimir Putin.

We’re still waiting on the all-important Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-un endorsements. Wonder who they’ll support?

I have had it with these m*****f****** spiders on this m*****f****** plane

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Yeah, I never saw that Snakes on a Plane movie. But I heard about it. That kinda contributed to me not wanting to see it.

But now some lady has sued Delta because of … Spiders On A Plane!

Yep, a woman on a Delta flight was bitten by a spider. That’s three such incidents in the last six years.

What worries me about this — well, other than Spiders On A Plane! — is that the TSA is stopping grandmothers and fondling children, they’re letting spiders through! And a simple pat-down of a spider would solve all the problems of … Spiders On A Plane!

I think Obama is beholding to the spider lobby.

Anniversary, Obama-style

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Missed in this whole thing where Obama had to change his plans because of a trip Mitt Romney made is this tidbit:

The president was en route Friday to Fort Bliss, Texas, where he planned to meet with military service members and their families on the two-year anniverary of his visit there to mark the end of the war in Iraq.

So, he’s planning a trip to mark the anniversary of a trip?

Not that he’s marking the anniversary of the declared end to the war. That was in October 2009. No, this is a trip marking the anniversary of a trip.

If only I could write parody that was as ridiculous as Obama’s reality.

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The C-Word

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Seems a Republican used the C-Word.

No, not cancer. That’s the Democrats that are saying Mitt Romney gives people cancer.

No, not, um, ah, uh, hmm, uh, “see you next Tuesday” either.

Seems there’s a new C-Word that you can’t say. According to NewsBusters, Chris Mathews said that saying “Chicago” is racist. Why? Because there’s a lot of black people living there.

I assume calling someone a “Washington insider” will be racist, since there are a bunch of black people living there, too.

So, we have a new C-Word, another word we can’t say.

I have a list of words I never want to hear Chris Mathews ever to say again. The list can be found between the front and back covers of The Unabridged American Dictionary.

More teat

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You know what this country needs?

More folks depending on the government.

No, really. That’s the conclusion of … wait for it … the government.

The Washington Examiner reports that the government says not enough people are depending on the government:

“Given that only 15 percent of you turn to government assistance in tough times, we want to make sure you know about benefits that could help you,” USA.gov announced today. The ”government made easy’ website has created a “help for difficult financial times” page for people to learn more about the programs.

Now, just maybe, what they’re saying is true. That is, 15% turn to government during “tough times.” So, what about the other 35%?

They were at the government teat all along.

Now you know why Obama’s approval rating will never get below 40%. You got at least 35% that believe in letting everybody else take care of them. Throw in in the fact that most of the news polls are weighted nearly +10 Democrats, plus the crazy statistic that over 95% of blacks like Obama despite the fact that black unemployment is way up under his term, and there’s no way that his poll numbers will drop very far.

And, if the government can get more sucking on its teat…

Sigh.

150 years ago, Democrats were using guns to keep people in physical chains. Today, they’re handing out your money to get people to voluntarily put on financial chains.

The tactics change. The objective doesn’t.

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Non-existent Obama supporters

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According to a report in The New York Times, over 70% of Obama’s followers on Twitter are fake.

Based on how bad the economy is, how bad Obama is at … well, anything, and how his poll numbers are still up in the 40s, I assume most of these fake followers are also answering all the polls. I just hope they aren’t all registered Democrats.

Of course, it would make sense if these fake followers voted for Obama in November. He seems to have the illegal alien vote, the repeat vote, and the dead vote already, so the fake Twitter vote seems likely.

Not all women are women

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Ed Schultz. Remember him? He’s still around, apparently.

He’s got a problem with women. Well, maybe not all women. But women with brains.

He’s all ticked off over Augusta National admitting women to their club. At least, the women they invited. He says they should have admitted Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama. (Tip: Newsbusters)


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One of his “concerns” was that Augusta National admitted two rich women. Of course, everybody in Schultzland knows that Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton, his picks, are dirt poor. Plus, neither of them had the advantage of growing up black near Birmingham, Alabama like Condoleezza Rice did.

Ignore the fact that it’s a private club. Oh, wait. Don’t. It is a private club. And they invite who they want. And, they wanted those two women. But, for Schultz and the left, that just won’t do.

See, in Schultzland, women don’t count unless they are liberal women. Right-wing women? Sluts.

If Ed Schultz wants to talk about stuff going on in Augusta, I have a couple of stories he could spend time on. There’s the Wal-mart toe-sucker. And, there’s the monkey party guy.

Those stories would be great for him. Tell the truth, now. Would you be shocked if, when his gig on TV finally, mercifully ends, Schultz winds up drunk with his pants down in a room full of monkeys, planning a night out sucking toes at Wal-mart? I didn’t think so.

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Four dumb in Ohio

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OIHOYou may have read about — and Frank J. mentioned it — that Obama and some supporters misspelled “Ohio” when they did one of those silly-ass spell-it-out-with-your-arms things like the old people do at the baseball game between innings when the PA guy plays The Village People’s “YMCA.”

Now, is it fair to blame Obama for hanging around people that aren’t any smarter than he is? Because the guy who was doing the “I” that should have been an “H” got his letter wrong, too, so he’s as clueless as Obama.

And that makes sense. Think about the people you hang around. Are most of them about as smart as you are? Maybe not quite as smart as you, but close, right?

Same thing with Obama. Why do you think he picked Joe Biden as his running mate?

So don’t be too hard on the president. He’s trying really hard, but, as the last four years have shown, he’s a dumbass. I mean, bless his heart.

No babies

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According to Bloomberg, Americans are having fewer babies since Obama took office.

I wonder why that is.

The article says something about the economy being the reason, but that doesn’t seem right. Less money to buy rubbers would lead to more babies, not fewer.

No, there’s something else going on.

I think it’s because Obama has been on TV so much. Think about it. After watching him on TV, are you really “in the mood?”

Oh, heck. That darn news channel has him on, jabbering about something.

So, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go not have sex.

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UPDATE: Linked by iOwnTheWorld

Hate crime: the most important meal of the day

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My bacon has a first name

Yummy, tasty hate

You saw that thing the police are investigating as a hate crime, right?

No, not the shooting last week at the Family Research Council. That was a white gay rights activist that shot a black security guard at a conservative organization. Nothing says “hate crime” there because the shooter was left-wing, and therefore, incapable of hate. The bullets he fired were bullets of love and peace and rainbows.

I’m talking about … bacon! On the ground! In a city park!

“This has been determined to be a bias event on the part of our Hate Crimes Task Force,” NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly told reporters, including WCBS 880′s Rich Lamb.

Unless, of course, it’s a left-wing gay activist that dropped his bacon.

Still, I am upset that someone would put bacon on the ground. Bacon goes in my belly. After it goes through the frying pan. Or the George Foreman Grill.

Mmm. Bacon.

I’m gonna commit a hate crime all over my breakfast plate in the morning. With eggs. Scrambled. With cheese.