HOLLYWOOD (AP) – Facing a critical shortage of public appreciation for good deeds that they meant to do but never quite found the time for, a group of Hollywood actors is seeking a “spiritual bailout” from Washington that will give them immediate recognition for the goodness of their souls in exchange for a videotaped pledge to get around to performing various commendable acts sometime during the Obama adminstration’s tenure.
“During the eight years of the oppressive Bush regime,” said actress Demi Moore, “the only people whose virtue got recognized were soldiers, police, firefighters, and other stupid heroes. Maybe those jerks had courage tempered by modesty, but WE have good intentions! Where the hell is OUR adulation?”
“Just because we’ve never done an unselfish thing before in our lives doesn’t mean we won’t do something good eventually,” said actor Ashton Kutcher. “It’s just that we’re a little tapped out on charity, decency, and compassion right now, and we kinda need the moral credit for it up front. We’re definitely good for it. The only way we’d fail to keep our end of the bargain would be if we got too busy smoking crack or getting out of limos without panties on, and what are the chances of something like THAT happening?”
President Obama vowed to make the ethical rescue package a priority for his adminstration.
“These tough times call for bold action,” said Obama. “In order to stimulate America’s flagging feel-good promises market, we must immediately give our brave thespians gratitude and credit for the good deeds that they may very well someday do eventually when it’s a little more convenient and their agents don’t have them booked solid. We need to quit listening to Rush Limbaugh’s pointless lauding of those who put their lives on the line for this country. I won, and I will trump him on that by investing our precious national appreciation in theatrical good intentions.”