Before Obama got to the G20 summit, he had some flunkies dig up information about the country, including the fact that it was “slightly smaller than Oregon“.
He should’ve called me, because I would’ve hooked him up with information he could actually use, like these:
* There’s some confusion over the terms England, Britain, and UK. England is a country. Britain is an island comprised of England, Scotland, and Wales. UK is a very dirty word that’s missing two letters.
* The British eat twice as many baked beans per head as Americans do, which may explain their obsession with greenhouse gasses.
* In 1752, Britain switched between the Gregorian and Julian calendars, leading to the complete disappearance of the days between 3 and 14 September. Britain unjustly accused an innocent America of stealing the days, causing a resentment which most historians cite as the primary cause of the Revolutionary War.
* There are over 30,000 John Smiths in Britain, including the Queen before she changed her name to Elizabeth.
* Britain’s emergency number is 999 instead of 911, which – over there – is the number for an adult chat line. This causes a lot of confusion for Americans who expect “what’s your emergency?” and get “what are you wearing?” instead.
* In 1745 the government made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts. The ban remained in force until 1832. Anyone who’s seen a Scotsman on a windy day wishes it still were.
* The two favorite pastimes in Britain are drinking tea and frantically searching for a public toilet.
* In 2012, the Olympics will be held in London, with Britain being the favorite to win the gold in the 100 Meter Silly Walk.
* Although people often make fun of the tall, bearskin hats worn by the Royal Guard, it’s been scientifically determined that the hats are only 5% goofier-looking than Donald Trump’s combover.
* Every year in May, the town of Bognor Regis hosts its annual clown parade. A similar event takes place in the US, where it is called Congress.
* Theatre Royal Bristol is the oldest continuously working theatre in Britain and has been staging “Cats” since 1766.
* Cheddar Cheese was discovered 800 years ago by accident when a milk maid allowed a pail of milk to go bad whilst being stored in the caves at Cheddar. Thus its nickname of “Stupid Lazy Wench Cheese”.
* Matthew Webb was the first person to successfully swim the English Channel. He left from Dover in 1875, arrived in France 22 hours later, immediately accepted the surrender of the frightened populace, and renamed the country Webbland, as it is known to this very day.
* The Hansom Cab (the first taxi) was invented and produced in the town of Hinckley by Joseph Hansom in 1835. He later invented the cab driver by founding the nation of Pakistan.
* Popular as a sandwich spread in Britain, Marmite is a foul-smelling, brown, sticky paste reminiscent of congealed soy sauce, made from yeast-extract left over from the brewing process. It’s sold under the slogan, “It ain’t good, but at least it ain’t haggis”.
* Nottingham is home to the smallest public cinema in the world. With only 22 seats, it’s perfect for the screening of any Michael Moore documentary.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I really have to go find a public toilet.
UPDATE – I *told* you not to dial 911