We Need Newspaper
Newspapers are dying, and a lot of people are blase about it. I don’t know what that word means, but it’s probably not good. Anyway, everyone thinks they don’t need newspaper because they can just get their news on a laptop now, but that is beyond idiotic. A laptop is no way substitute for a newspaper, and to say so is to forget the long history we’ve had with newspaper.
WAYS INTERNET NEWS CANNOT REPLACE A NEWSPAPER
* You can’t discipline a dog with internet news as striking a dog with a laptop could be regarded as animal abuse and also may void your laptop’s warranty.
* Additionally, trying to housebreak by laying out a laptop for the dog to pee on doesn’t work very well.
* When painting, laying down enough laptops to soak up dripped paint would be highly expensive.
* While you could enclose a fish in a laptop, it’s an inconvenient way to carry them and it might damage the fish.
* Few birdcages can fit a laptop at the bottom.
* Laptops are poor packing material, even if crushed into small pieces.
* Silly putty doesn’t work on a comic displayed on a laptop screen.
See, without a laptop, your home would be covered in paint and bird and dog poo with raw fish just lying out in the open and your silly putty sitting away in drawer somewhere unused. You’d be a barbarian. Is that worth sticking it to the liberal media by letting newspapers go bankrupt?
(23 votes, average: 4.78 out of 5)
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April 7th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Eh, I find that Butcher Paper serves every need above whilst also saving your laptop. Though, Butcher Paper is less likely to brainwash you. Unless it’s the stuff at an Italian restaurant that they put on the table, and someone has written out Communist slogans on it and the busboys are union and couldn’t care less about changing out the paper or dishes or the spilled food, and want to spread their marxist message. But that’s kinda implausible.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I don’t think I can crumple even my netbook small enough to fit in my charcoal starter chimney. I need newspapers.
April 7th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Very very true. I’m 19 yrs old and I still think there is something about holding a real newspaper.
April 7th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
You must not be a cook because the Number One reason we need newspapers is to drain chicken fried steak after cooking. I mean, they’ve already screwed up that activity when they went to PLASTIC at the supermarket (oh, my first batch was awful – I mean, it totally MELTED the plastic…tsk, tsk…).
And coupons. I can’t tell you how many monitors I’ve ruined trying to cut out an online coupon! it’s crazy I tell ya! And have you every tried making paper mache with a laptop? The expense alone…not to mention a botched school project. Can you imagine a model of the planets made with laptops and flour glue??
And what will ransom demanders do without newspapers??
I think these politicians should get OFF the golf course and solve this issue before our homes and educational system is destroyed!!
April 7th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I agree – keep printing the newspapers even if nobody reads them. I’ll PRETEND to read them and then use them for:
* Garden soil vapor barriers / mulch (essential for gardeners)
* Fire starters (they’re great when you heat with wood/coal, like me).
* Dining room table protectors for projects involving filing, cutting, soldering, gluing and making a mess (you need lots for this).
* Patio/floor protectors for spray painting projects.
* Paint / thinner / cleaning drying sheets (protects the soil, etc.)
and my personal favorite:
* Wrapping up dead rats, cats and raccoons that have had accidents with shotguns.
Newspapers ARE one heck of a resource, you’re right, Frank.
April 7th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I know plenty of people who wrap gifts with newspaper.
April 7th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
While starting a fire with a laptop may be satisfying, it may take a few hours longer
April 7th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
* While you could enclose a fish in a laptop, it’s an inconvenient way to carry them and it might damage the fish.
HMMMM – Wonder what good ol “Rhambo” E. will send his dead fish in now???
April 7th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
As long as newspapers are run by liberals and losing their own money they should keep printing.
Jimmy – what kind of girly shotgun are you using that leaves enough rat to wrap up?
April 7th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
A way to save the newspapers would be to fire all of the reporters and just have the paperboy deliver a paper of all comics, sports and movie times. We can still cut trees, drain chicken, wrap gifts and fish, and line our bird cages. There are even comics for the silly putty. The fired reportes can resort to their true calling by running in front of Teh One and sweeping in His path with brooms so Teh One’s knees won’t get dirty when He is confronted by a fellow Muslum.
April 7th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Newspapers used to have any number of useful characteristics and qualities; today the only one I can think of involves birdcages and litterboxes. I gave up on the liberal metro rag sheet called The Philadelphia Inquirer a while ago; just wasn’t good for my moods or bloodpressure. The lack of even a pretense at objectivity just made the experience too irritating.
But you think it’s bad now? Wait until baby Pravdas in New York, Boston, Washington, Chicago and LA get government bailout money. Then they truly will report only the spews fit to print, e.g. anything Obama, Pelosi or Reid order them to print.
Now, I just need to find a single web site where I can get my morning comics……
April 7th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
While storm19111 was close, you are all missing the point of newspapers. Newspapers make money to pay editors, reporters, typesetters, printers and equipment upkeep by selling advertising. The cost of the newspaper at the news stand, or 7-11, or in that metal paper box thingy is just the cost of the paper and some delivery fees. They are still making a killing delivering and distributing the paper (you ever hear of a paper delivery boy losing money?) . Where they are loosing their ass is in the actual printing and employee salary costs which are not being covered by the money grubbing pennypincher capitolist advertisers who won’t dish out enough dough to defray the costs. Now if they would just stop printing, advertising, editing, reporting, and sorting by page number, they would still be a viable and quite profitable business. And boy wouldn’t that teach those greedy tightwad advertisers a lesson.
April 7th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
For DamnNorwayRats, DamnCat, I use an all-male, 100-year-old, double-barreled LC Smith with buckshot rounds from the choked side when going after rats from a distance. Then I use a rake and newspaper to clean-up. The newspaper absorbs the guts and blooood nicely. Is this TMI?
April 7th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
The news paper in my city (The Anchorage Daily News) is a McClatchy owned piece of liberal crap that is good for wrapping freshly caught salmon and not much else and I for one will be glad to see it reach it’s final demise. Other than wrapping fish the only other purpose it serves is to help me decide who to vote for……whoever they endorse, I automatically vote for that persons opponent.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
For comics try http://www.comics.com . They have a vast number of them updated daily.
Take that newspapers!
April 7th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Blase, if I remember my catholic upbringing ,was a saint that went from bishop to hermit,martyred, patron saint of wool-combers,friend of mothers whose children have swallowed fish bones. How does this relate to newspapers? Why because they make excellent fishwrap,they are patron saints to the wool-haired president,and I would rather live in a cave( as St. Blase did )than read their fishwrap. When St. Blase was about to be beheaded, they demanded he recant Christ.Tradition has it that he said”I’m indifferent and world-weary,do your worst;hence the meaning of blase. No substitute for newspapers? Try Bounty , I’m told it’s the quicker picker upper.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
A couple of years ago, I attempted to show my young son the wonders of Silly Putty. Much to my chagrin, I discovered modern printing methods no longer support the transfer of newsprint, pictures, and comic strip images onto silicone polymer putty.
That was the only argument for preserving newspapers, and now it’s gone.
April 7th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
how ironic
The Boston Globe announced today they’re going to double the price for the paper…that’s almost bankrupt…because nobody buys it….
Only a liberal could come up with that “logic”
April 7th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
That depends on whether the laptop is plugged in or not.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
A: Yes.
Jimmy – “Wrapping up dead rats, cats and raccoons that have had accidents with shotguns.” Careful man! Lines like that could end up with you sleeping on the couch (because women usu. love cats).
April 8th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I never said that!
April 8th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
“Is that worth sticking it to the liberal media by letting newspapers go bankrupt?” – FUCK YES! Think of all the fun to be had abusing unemployed former Reporters/Commies. Plus all those now empty former printing plants can be converted into indoor shooting ranges!
April 9th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
“Silly putty doesn’t work on a comic displayed on a laptop screen.”
That there is a multimillion dollar idea, if only I can make the polymer photosensitive in the necessary manner. I will credit your website on my packaging in thanks, and send you a very nice fruit basket after the first million units are sold.
This will be bigger than the velcro monitor pets.
April 10th, 2009 at 1:02 am
don’t forget about all the homeless people who need to use them as blankets
April 13th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Nice catch on the silly putty. I haven’t done that in years!