Stab Proof Knives
Britain is now selling stab-proof knives.
Yeah, I know. Your brain is just shouting out the numerous reasons this is completely idiotic. It’s very hard to understand how this idea could pop in someone’s head and actually survive to the product stage before being dismissed as pure stupidity. If your society is contemplating a stab-proof knife, it’s actually a lot more dignified to just roll over and die as a civilization at that point.
Anyway, I’m going to try an enumerate the reasons this is stupid, though I’ll probably miss some.
REASONS THIS IS STUPID
* Someone who is going to stab people isn’t going to buy a stab-proof knife.
* There are so many regular knives available, that getting a regular knife will always be trivial.
* But, if all regular knives are somehow banished through a magic spell, you can just take a stab-proof knife and sharpen a tip against a rock.
* Or sharpen a screwdriver.
* And it’s not like someone is going to stop being a thug because his current implement his hard to stab with.
* Thought maybe he will get so frustrated he’ll just shoot you with his illegally possessed gun.
* Finally, really? A stab-proof knife? Can’t you still cut off your testicles with it since none of you limeys seem to need them?
This is so stupid it makes me want to stab people, which I can easily do even without possession of a knife.
(21 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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June 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Did it really take us six years to beat these people? What happened over there? Oh, yeah, the same thing that’s happening here. Lovely.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
What a completely useless and totally inane idea. Wish I’d invented it. Every once in a while the world needs a good pet rock.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Having stabbed myself once, I now know that the pointy end goes DOWN in the drying rack. It’s a neat design but a dumb idea. I could see some benefit to these if there was a rash of accidental stabbings in busy restaurant kitchens (when Gordon Ramsey is not present), but as it is it just appears to be further British capitulation to impending cultural demise.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
It’s also illegal to run through the house with scissors or not waiting 20 minutes after eating before you go swimming.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Do I really need to point out the fact that the person who will buy a stab-proof knife is not the person you have to worry about?
Do I?!
June 16th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Since Iran and N.Korea are so set on nuclear weapons, I say we buy a couple of boatloads, paint them with glow-in-the-dark paint, call them nuclear knives, and give them to Amadinajad and Kim Jong Il. Maybe they will laugh themselves to death.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Now they have to ban the practice of taking a stab-proof knife and whittling a stab-ready stick. Stupid British.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
At least one can still cut another’s throat with the stab proof knife so all is not lost! Are forks still allowed? How about razors with razor blades?
June 16th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
This product has so thoroughly destroyed my faith in humanity that as soon as I can get my hands on one, I’m cutting my wrists with it.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Stab-proof knives are good for cut-proof cheese.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Somewhere, Hideki Tojo and Winston Churchill are sharing a drink and crying.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Sorry, that last comment was supposed to include this link. http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/features/29381-japans-generation-xx Makes more sense that way.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Said the grieving widow,” I stabbed the bastard plenty of times, and he never died before.”>>>Of course she used her knitting needles, but that’s beside the point.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Nope, but they’re still very concerned about the increase in deadly “spork” related incidents.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
It should also be noted that the ‘inventer’ of ‘stab proof knives’ also advocates legislating against ‘conventional’ knives. Kind of like Al Gore advocates ‘Green’ technology while a Partner in Kleiner, Perkins, Caulfield and Byers venture capital group, which invested heavily in ‘Green’ technologies.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
idiot brit mexican: geeve yor money or I cut chu! Oh damn!
idiot brit wannabe: I will take a stab at it. Oh damn!
idiot brit kanigit: Have at thee! oh damn!
American citizen: Laughing histerically!
Classless digrace in the White House: What? Cmon What?
June 16th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
#9 – that is a cheese joke. Several years ago I made some innocuous comment about cheese and it resulted in an avalanche of cheesy comments about off-colored sources of cheese.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
“Isn’t that just like a Brit, bringin’ a stab-proof knife to a sharpened pencil fight!”
June 16th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
This is actually kind of a big deal in Britain, and it has been for the last few years. Their celebrities have actually been speaking out against “knife violence”. If you are a repairman, and you leave your tools out (screwdrivers and other stabby implements), you can be fined for public endangerment. What I think is funny is quite a number of years ago the NRA made some comment about their banning of guns, saying that if you get rid of guns, then people will just stab each other. The media ,as usual, made the same jokes then that they make today about such stupid, crazy fear mongering statements.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
A stab-proof knife? In your eye, buddy!
Oh, wait – that’s actually how it works. Sorry, my bad.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Effing nannies. Soon they’ll want 2X4′s made of softened rubber and rocks made of styrafoam. And here I go, giving them ideas.
When there are no weapons, men will strangle each other still. You can’t legislate human nature; you can only punish it when it is expressed outside the confines of civilized society.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Has it really gotten to this point? Javelina, do you have any links with this type of info in it? It’s making me do some sort of laugh/cry thing. I don’t think I want to live in a world this stupid.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
From the article:
“Nobody could just grab one out of the kitchen drawer and kill someone.”
Are they challenging us to prove them wrong?
June 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I guess this was an easier route then angry-proofing his wife.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Harvey,
I was thinking the same thing when I read the article yesterday. I immediately thought about the angry person just gashing the victims throat open. Can’t wait until we see that headline, thus negating the entire premise.
Is it wrong that I immediately thought of how to use this to kill in non-stabby way’s and immediately came up with a solution?
June 16th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
This is an obvious attempt at protecting the lives of raving drugged up chimpanzees, who are unknowingly living with, and sleeping with raving loonatic moonbat liberal hippies who grab the first sharp thing and attack when something happens out of their range of understanding. Charla Nash would be much worse off today if it hadn’t been for a good old fashion stabbing type pointy ended kitchen knife.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
stab-proof knife…what the hell? What good is a knife if it can’t stab……no wonder we had to bail the Brits out during two world wars.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
#24, give them some credit. They weren’t all effete arseholes. They had Churchill to at least see them through WW II. Sadly, Maggie Thatcher is the most recent example we have of anyone in England having a set of Big Brass balls.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Box-cutters. Can’t stab a soul with ‘em. You’d probably be pretty hard-pressed to find a way to use one of those intentionally as a weapon and then, oh I don’t know, TAKE OVER A COUPLE OF JET LINERS AND TARGET SOME BUILDINGS AND 3.000 INNOCENT CIVILIANS.
Not very different from a stab-proof knife.
Tools.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
“* Or sharpen a screwdriver.”
Or just use the bloody screwdriver as-is. Some days I have to earn my moniker.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Comon’, everybody knows spurned lesbians use screwdrivers.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I have a stab-proof knife. Several, in fact. It’s called a butter knife.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Fire must also be regulated and do the benefits of the wheel really out weigh the risks? I think not.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
This is the ultra hip country where you can’t use force against an intruder intent on robbing your home and if caught the robbers very rarely do jail time. Was I dreaming or didn’t the other day a Brit get charged for using a toy gun to apprehend a couple of home intruders?
June 16th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
… Then I came upon a wake
for a fr*gg*n’, rotten swine
by the name of Jock O’Leary,
and I touched his head with mine.
And old Jock sat up in his box,
and raised his fr*gg*n’ head.
His wife pulled out a .44,
and shot the b*st*rd dead.
Again I touched his head with mine,
and brought him back to life.
His smiling face rolled on the floor,
this time she used a (stab-proof?) knife.
Then she fell down on her knees,
and started in to pray,
“It’s forty years, Oh Lord!” she said,
“I’ve waited for this day!”
– from: ‘The Fr*gg*n’ Falcon’, by: I don’t remember who.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Crap! I’d rather be shot than sawed up, personally. Oh, wait! I have a gun, so your pathetic non-stabbing knife won’t get that close to me anyway.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:41 am
[...] I did not even have to cheat by advising would be murderers to “sharpen [the] tip with a rock“, like Frank J. (Tip of the Hat) did. Amazing what a Biology degree can tell you, [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Did anyone notice the prices in the article? 40-50 pounds for these things. I’m pretty sure one pound is about $2, so you’re paying $80-$100 for an anti-stab knife and getting half the features of similar products (Wusthof Classic Pairing and Utility knives: $35 and $50 respectively, and can stab http://www.dillards.com/endeca/EndecaStartServlet?view=20&No=20&N=1590196).
June 17th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
“and has been tested with “very favourable” results by the Home Office’s Design and Technology Alliance”
Tested?
Favourable results?
Where can I get the results of those tests. No, screw the results! Where can I find the ad they placed to hire the testers!
June 19th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Clearly this is part of a long-range marketing and distribution plan by Hasbro to unload excess Nerf merchandise and open new product lines.