Conservative Solutions to Sissy Liberal Problems

I was thinking that while conservatives are concerned about important things like terrorism and preserving freedom, liberals are always worried about silly pansy-ass things. Maybe, though, to help them out, we can try using our practical conservative know-how to solve them.

SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Global warming.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Destroy the sun.

SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Children have low self-esteem.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Drop children in the middle of enemy territory. Those that make it back will have earned self-esteem.

SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Muslims feel unfairly discriminated against.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Forcefully convert them to Christianity.

SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Not enough support for the arts.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Classify monster trucks as art.

SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Endangered species.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Drop endangered species in the middle of enemy territory. Those that make it back will be toughened up to help their survival. All others probably deserved to go extinct.

SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Plastics don’t biodegrade.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Load plastics into rocket and fire them into the sun. If we’ve destroyed the sun, fire rocket to moon. Nuke moon.

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44 Comments

  1. These are all great answers to solving sissy liberal problem. How bout we nuke the sissy liberals and never have anymore sissy liberal problems.

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  2. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Polar Bears Dying.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Make coats from the bears before they die of natural causes

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  3. FrankJ you obviously haven’t been married long enough to understand how all of this stuff works. A liberal complaining about something is done so they can feel better about themselves. Much like a wife discussing her problems with you, they don’t want a common sense answer like don’t be her friend anymore or then quit shopping there. They just want to feel like we understand their point of view. Take Global Warming for instance. Can Global Warming or Climate Change as it is now called ever really be fixed? No not per the liberals perspective. They want to be the steward of all of the money they will penalize people for not behaving the way they think they should. They don’t want to hear common sense answers like nuclear power or that logging is a renewable resource. They really just want to take all your money and oppress you till you beg for mercy and submit to their evil desires. See just like a marriage.

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  4. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Polar Bears Dying.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: make coat of sissy liberal, use flesh to feed bears: win – win

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  5. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Global warming
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: make all sissy liberal suck on a tail pipe of an SUV

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  6. Good answers, but wouldn’t the simplest answer to any liberal problem be to punch a hippy? Like you, I’ve always looked at punching a hippy like a good roll of duct tape – it can fix almost any problem.

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  7. I’m completely in favor of dropping kids off into enemy territory. In fact, I think I may try that on my fifteen-year-old daughter this afternoon.

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  8. SISSY LIBERAL “PROBLEM”: People are killed in SUV accidents.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Make automobile companies build awesome muscle cars instead of SUVs.

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  9. Criminals:
    Democrats: Give them a second chance.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    The poor:
    Democrats: Give them some food.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    Endangered species:
    Democrats: Give them protection.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    Dictators:
    Democrats: Give them a way out.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    The uninsured:
    Democrats: Give them health care.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    *The cost:
    Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
    Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)

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  10. SISSY LIBERAL “PROBLEM”: California is out of money.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: After moving any and all U.S. military personnel out of the area; nuke San Francisco, and then make tons of money by offering tours of an actual nuclear wasteland.

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  11. muscle cars, the swift sword of death, tours of a nuclear wasteland that sound like a good day to me.

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  12. Conservatives are just so awesome.

    It’s fun being a Tough Conservative Broad. It would suck to be a Sissy Liberal Girly-Man.

    I think #1’s suggestion though would take care of all the Sissy Liberal Problems: getting rid of the Sissy Liberals by default gets rid of their imagined problems. It’s really a no-brainer.

    Sissy Liberal Problem: Their existence.
    Conservative Solution: Fire them into the Sun (and Moon).

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  13. Funny how you describe liberals as “sissies” but most “Macho conservatives” have never been in the military. Especially those most likely to want to go to war. But I guess Rush did have that painful ass-pimple that would have prevented him from going to Vietnam.

    [Oh no! He insulted Rush.

    Seriously, though, the military is much more conservative than the population at large and has much less liberals, because liberals are sissies.

    You’re a sissy. -Ed.]

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  14. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Children in school aren’t taking enough foreign language credits
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Shoot everyone in the throat who doesn’t speak English fluently

    SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: People aren’t paying enough attention to soccer
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Paint all soccer balls so they look like human skulls. Build a castle out of them until we can replace it with the real thing.

    SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Teenagers having sex
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Give all fathers a shotgun. And a bunch of free passes to the skeet range.

    SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Legalization of marijuana
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Load pot heads into a large cannon and fire it point blank into a brick wall with a sheet over it. Then, sell the sheet as “Art”. This project will be self-funded as all conservative solutions are.

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  15. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Welfare supports poor people.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Draft everyone on welfare.

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  16. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Marine Recruiting Stations >>> CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Allow potential recruits to plink SISSY LIBERAL protesters for target practice.

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  17. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: “Social Justice”

    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Cage Match

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  18. I’d be willing to put my military record against yours anyday.

    [Were you one of the stupid people who got stuck in Iraq? -Ed.]

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  19. To M. Nut:

    If you served in the military, thank you. If you’re a liberal, you’re a sissy.

    Those two sentences are not mutually exclusive, by the way. I mean, look at John Horseface Kerry who, by the way, served in Vietnam. He may have been a soldier but my daughter could still beat the crap out of him. And, if you’re a liberal, she can take you to the woodshed anytime, anywhere.

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  20. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Street crime
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Teach people self-defense starting in kindergarten. Michelle Obama can be in charge of the new public schools’ bat’leth instruction program.

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  21. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Sheeple like m nut in the military
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Don’t ask, just get the shovel

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  22. Even the ShamWow dude can take on Sissy Liberals and mop the floor with ’em. (Ya getting’ that, camera guy?)

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  23. M. Nut

    Since when did serving in the military make you a bad ass. So what if a person served in the military. Doesn’t mean their political persuasions aren’t companionate to the point of making a nanny state.

    We had a democrat running in my state last year for the senate. Former officer in Army MI during the 60’s. Smart guy. Very like able. Big Sissy. He Wanted to expand welfare, pull out unilaterally from Iraq, More money for the unemployed so they can sit on their ass. It’s your beliefs that we are calling sissy. Not your service. Besides there are more conservatives in Uniform than Liberals, by far.

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  24. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Global warming.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Destroy the sun by shooting Al Gore at it.

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  26. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Global warming is anthropomorphic (manmade)>>>CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION:Load SISSY LIBERALS into a rocket, and fire them into the sun.

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  27. I like Nunya B’s:

    Sissy Liberal Problem: Their existence.
    Conservative Solution: Fire them into the Sun

    Plus this might solve that pesky sun destroying problem we have. As it has worked out here on earth, injecting liberals into anything pretty much destroys it.

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  28. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Blah, blah, blah, a bunch of bs sissy liberal talking points.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Pound on a sissy liberal.

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  29. Solve three problems at once:

    SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Global warming.
    SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Iran is getting nukes.
    SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: U.S. has too many nukes.

    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Nuke Iran!

    Nuclear winter will stop global warming cold. Iran’s nuclear program will be radioactive dust, and the U.S. will reduce its nuclear arsenal to under 1500 warheads.

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  30. Pingback: Conservative Solutions |

  31. Newest sissy liberal problem: Too much drinking of bottled water. Conservative Solution: Drink more bottled beer.

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  32. BigRichardSmall, I’m pretty sure I could take you, Army experience or not. You’re one of the internet bad-asses who can talk big behind your secret identity.

    Capt. Moroni, your name suits you.

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  33. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: “And a great storm of wind arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already filling.” (climate change)

    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: “And he awoke and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Have you no faith?” And they were filled awe, and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even wind and sea obey him?” (It sure isn’t Algore or Obama!)

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  34. BigRichardSmall, I’m pretty sure I could take you, Army experience or not. You’re one of the internet bad-asses who can talk big behind your secret identity.

    Don’t let your mouth write checks your body can’t cash, maggot.

    Capt. Moroni, your name suits you.

    He’s probably LDS, you sissy moron.

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  35. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Global warming
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION:
    Rip off you catalytic converter–pollution slows down global warming
    When they ask if you want paper or plastic, say both. Plastic bags are made from evil oil. Using paper bags makes them grow more trees.
    Chop down all the giant redwoods and old growth forests. New forests sequester more carbon.

    All of the above are true. I don’t think this is what the sissy liberals had in mind.

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  36. SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Conservatives who don’t give a damn.
    CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Let the Liberals fix everything while continuing to f**k it up.

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  37. Guys, don’t sweat Mnut. Sure, he probably served…but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t infantry 😉

    Btw, I was one of those stupid guys who got stuck in Iraq. I’d go back. Just to pop more Hajji’s in the face, though.

    Sissy Liberal Problem: War in Iraq
    Conservative Solution: Nuke Iraq

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