I was thinking that while conservatives are concerned about important things like terrorism and preserving freedom, liberals are always worried about silly pansy-ass things. Maybe, though, to help them out, we can try using our practical conservative know-how to solve them.
SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Global warming.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Destroy the sun.
SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Children have low self-esteem.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Drop children in the middle of enemy territory. Those that make it back will have earned self-esteem.
SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Muslims feel unfairly discriminated against.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Forcefully convert them to Christianity.
SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Not enough support for the arts.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Classify monster trucks as art.
SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Endangered species.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Drop endangered species in the middle of enemy territory. Those that make it back will be toughened up to help their survival. All others probably deserved to go extinct.
SISSY LIBERAL PROBLEM: Plastics don’t biodegrade.
CONSERVATIVE SOLUTION: Load plastics into rocket and fire them into the sun. If we’ve destroyed the sun, fire rocket to moon. Nuke moon.