Fred Thompson’s Principles for a Stronger Republican Party
When I mentioned yesterday that the Republican Party now needs a great leader for everyone to rally and lead them to victory in 2010, a lot of readers suggested Fred Thompson. He does seem like a good choice, and already has a number of bedrock principles for the GOP:
FRED THOMPSON’S PRINCIPLES FOR A STRONGER REPUBLICAN PARTY
* If you are a Republican and don’t hold conservative positions, you will be destroyed. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve called yourself a Republican or even if you’re the sun.
* The Republican platform should be so awesome that any hippy reading it should feel like he just got punched in the face. This is right before he turns around and sees that Fred Thompson is behind him and then actually gets punched in the face.
* The government should be dramatically reduced in size. If Democrats don’t support that legislation, then Fred Thompson will go out there with a sledgehammer and reduce the size of government himself.
* Any people trying to turn America into some socialist, nanny state like Europe will be deported to Europe. And then Europe will be bombed for harboring Communists.
* The troops will immediately get anything they need, whether it be more troops, better weapons, support from space-based lasers, dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them, or giant robots who transform.
* Moderates will always be welcome in the Party as long as they never ever speak and vote as they’re told.
* Anyone calling himself a Republican but voting for taxes and the expansion of government will be fired out of a cannon into the sun. Then the sun will be fired out of even larger cannon into a supermassive black hole.
(30 votes, average: 4.97 out of 5)
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November 5th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
“…any hippy reading it”
LOL hippies reading! OMG my monitor!
November 5th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Can Dana Loesch be Secretary of Tea?
November 5th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
* Anyone pretending to know Fred Thompson’s Principles will be punched in the face for their arrogance.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
This makes me wonder if Chuck Norris is still holding onto his Toughest Dude in the Universe title. If Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris teamed up, could it better than Genetically Engineered Laser Dinosaurs?
November 5th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
While I do believe in party unity, lets not be to hasty on this sun thing. We may need it later.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
KnitterChick - Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris MUST NEVER MEET! WORLDS COLLIDE!
November 5th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
So you’re just gonna let them live in a black hole?!?! Weak.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Black Ho?? Why did ya have to go and insert Michelle into this thing? I think it would cruel and unusual punishment to fire the sun into ……..
November 5th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
The Sun just isn’t getting it done. Once again winter is beating up on the slacker. It thinks it’s so hot.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
* If you’re worried more about the unfortunate… the poor… the needy… Fred Thompson will hold you upside down and shake the crap out of you - and your pockets.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Another 5 stars, Frnak! Now this is Change We Can Believe In!
My Dream Team for the United States of Awesome /shameless plug
November 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Whoa, Nunya. That’s one hell of a Dream Team. You could rename it the “Cream Team.”
November 5th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
“Anyone calling himself a Republican but voting for taxes and the expansion of government will be fired out of a cannon into the sun. Then the sun will be fired out of even larger cannon into a supermassive black hole.”
Damnit it Frank! First you use a term like “Circumstantial Science!”, then you say a thing like that. Any more coca-cola nasal projectiles fired at my monitor, and YOU are going to owe a Very large Semiconductor company a new LCD.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Chuck Norris forfeited his title when he supported Mike Huckabee instead of Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson punched him in the awesome, destroying it.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:34 am
ahh yes.. the feelgood, toughguy way to remaining the minority party: burn the witch !
November 6th, 2009 at 5:08 am
* The troops will immediately get anything they need, whether it be more troops, better weapons, support from space-based lasers, dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them, or giant robots who transform.
As one of the troops in question, can we have Supermodels? I’m sure we can think of a good reason for us needing this. Morale boost?
November 6th, 2009 at 6:30 am
You forgot that we will then super nuke the Super Massive Black Hole!
I support 110% (like athletes on ESPN) Mr. Fred Thompson for the head of the Republican Party! As his first order of business he must give a nuclear wedgie to Newt Gingrich and order him to Canada where he shall become never heard from again!