A Moment With Joe Biden: Gun Talk (The Interview)

[by Son of Bob]

[NOTE: I talked Son of Bob into doing another Moment With Joe in response to Biden’s Field & Stream interview. If you applaud loudly enough in the comments, you may be able to convince him to do some more]

And now, an interview with Joe Biden…

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Welcome back. I’m John Weller and joining us now to share his insight into the long-overdue national discussion on gun control is the Vice President of the United States. Vice President Biden, welcome to Good Morning Cincinnati.

JOE BIDEN: Well, thank you Jim. It’s always a pleasure to be here. And, you can be sure that this time I’ll remember to bring my wife, Jill, back some of your wonderful Philly Cheesesteaks. If I forget this time I’ll really be in the doghouse.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Mr. Vice President, it’s clear that the mass shooting at the Sandy Hook school really drove home to most Americans that guns are a danger to even the most innocent Americans.

JOE BIDEN: Well, that’s true Joe. And, you know I keep hearing this malarkey about how Barack and I want to take your guns away and, frankly, I don’t know how this stuff gets started. Listen to me! Listen to what I say here! No one, I mean no one is coming to take your guns! People, get real here!

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: So then, what exactly are you and the president calling for?

JOE BIDEN: What Barack is proposing has nothing to do with the Second Amendment. And, let me say this again! No one is coming to take your guns. All we’re proposing is just much needed, common sense legislation that will make it a federal offense for a private citizen to own a firearm.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Then citizens will not be allowed to own guns…

JOE BIDEN: Hey, hey, now Jacob, don’t try to do me like that. I’ve been at this for a long time, and I won’t play your little games here. What we’re suggesting is that there be a voluntary program whereby citizens have the ability to turn in their firearms. It’s a voluntary program, just like paying your taxes. And, if you do so voluntarily there will be no fines, no jail time but, again, let me make this perfectly clear: it’s a matter of every citizen doing his or her part, and that should happen. So, there won’t be anyone coming for your guns. So, we need to stop talking this nonsense.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Who will be allowed to own firearms?

JOE BIDEN: Well Joel, if you read the Constitution…which, let me tell you something. When I became president I took an oath to uphold the Constitution, and there’s been no better friend to the Constitution than Joe Biden. But, it says right in the Constitution that, and I quote, “The President shall have the right to bypass and/or supersede all laws and amendments when they interfere with his ability to provide for the betterment of the republic.” That’s right in the Constitution, put in there by the Founding Fathers. Look it up. Right now we’re on the verge of insanity… there’s insanity out there. Just the other day we had a shooting – I forget where it was – but, a guy knocked on his neighbor’s door and yells something, joking around, and the guy fires a 12-gauge shotgun through the door and killed him. Who would think to do something that stupid? I mean, c’mon, we need to make sure that only sensible people can legally possess guns…responsible professionals, like professional law enforcement.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: What’s your message to those who claim their gun is their means of protection?

JOE BIDEN: Look Jake, why would any average citizen need a gun? I mean, that’s why we have police and Secret Service people to protect us. Why would you need to own a firearm? Let the Secret Service people…they’re trained professionals, let them do their job, for Christ sake.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Now, some will say that people who have concealed carry permits have also undergone training similar to the training that police and…

JOE BIDEN: C’mon Jack, are you trying to tell me that an average Joe that undergoes some training classes is the same as a professional law officer? C’mon, you’re smarter than that. Does the average citizen have a police hat? A whistle? Of course not. These guys and gals – our brave professional law officers who are out there everyday keeping the streets safe in cities like Detroit, Chicago, and right here in Cleveland – they’re not just average citizens, they’re professionals. You start putting guns in the hands of everyday citizens and you’ll end up with more and more like this Dorner guy out in California who was going around shooting cops. Look, the American people are clamoring for there to be tighter laws to keep guns out of the hands of everyday people, and that’s why I’m out here going city to city doing interviews and talking with people to try to convince them to support us.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Well, thank you for being with us today Mr. Vice President.

JOE BIDEN: No, thank you Jason.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: No More Moments With Joe Biden

Son of Bob sent me an email explaining why he’s chosen to retire this much-beloved feature:

I had pretty much planned on doing a final “Biden moment” today, to close out the running gag, but opted not to. When Joe Biden is a gaffe machine that the Dems are treating like the crazy uncle, the Biden moments are funny. But, when Biden and Obama are being commended for a “brilliant” campaign, Biden’s ridiculous statements move from humorous to tragic. Obviously, IMAO giving readers a reason to laugh at this administration is probably more important now than ever. However, to try to create something humorous about Joe Biden today just feels like trying to make jokes about your aunt that just died last night…too soon.

These will be missed.

Son of Bob, if you ever feel inspired to write on a different theme, drop me a line. You’ve got good comedy chops.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Helping People

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …Well folks, it’s been a long campaign, and I’ve traveled back and forth from one coast to the other, from North Carolina all the way to Virginia and back again, probably five or six times now. And, I’ve met so many wonderful people. Just this morning I met the most wonderful woman, and her name is Cinnamon. And, Cinnamon told me, “Joe, I used to be the Director of Human Resources for a large corporation, but in 2010 I was laid off. And, I’ve lost everything. In fact, now I’m on the streets working as a prostitute and my pimp keeps all the money, and I struggle to even afford birth control to keep from getting pregnant from the Johns. I need your help, Joe. Please help me.” And, I told Cinnamon, “Don’t you worry, because Barack and I are going to get re-elected for four more years, so help is on the way.” Because when Barack and I are re-elected, we’re going to make sure that Cinnamon gets the free birth control she needs. And, what’s more, we’ll also make sure she has access to free check-ups and treatments for STD’s and periodic AIDS testing. So, while Mitt Romney is out talking about corporations and jobs, we’re busy getting people the real, vital help they need…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Landslide

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …and this is it, folks, one more day until you get a chance to vote to keep Barack Obama and I in office. And we’ve got so much more to do… so much more to do. Look, folks, it’s important that you get out and vote tomorrow, and vote as many times as they’ll let ya. It’s that important. Look, I don’t have to tell you all that all the networks are against us. We all know that. The so-called mainstream media is always in the tank for the Republicans, but despite that, we’re still looking very good in the polls… even with them weighing the polls to help Governor Romney. But, in Russia, in China, in Iran, in places that it really matters, Barack Obama is leading the polls in a landslide. And, we’ve barely campaigned there. Russia, alone, has got to have, what, 40 or 50 electoral votes? And yet, you don’t hear the talking heads on FoxNews and in these other media outlets even mention this. So, let me tell ya. Don’t get discouraged tomorrow if you start to see these numbers early on that make it look like Romney is winning this thing. Because, once the vote counts start rolling in from the middle-east and from Russia and these other states, you watch… you watch how Barack and I take this election in a landslide…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Hurricane Response

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …and so, like everything else we’ve tackled in this administration, Barack Obama has shown the American people how it’s supposed to be done. Here this devastating storm hits the northeast, and there’s flooding and all kinds of devastation. We saw what happened with Katrina. We saw how George W. Bush mishandled that, and people went for days without help, without electricity, without food, without gasoline. And those of us who were rightfully upset were told to be quiet, to be patient. Yet the White House let us down. But, with this storm you’ve seen a very different response. You’ve seen the right response, from a president that knows what he’s doing. And, in the aftermath of this storm, I’ve spent the entire day today touring your great state, and the clean up efforts have been amazing. This time the right government agencies were called in and the mess was cleaned up, and people could go back to their normal lives. People have food, clothing… gas stations have plenty of gas, hardly a sign that this disastrous storm even happened. And, that’s due to the quick response of our great president, Barack Obama. And that’s why everyone here in Iowa should go to the polls and cast their vote for Barack and I on Tuesday…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Caring About People

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …Ya know, yesterday Barack and David Axelrod came to me and said, “Joe, it’s a close campaign and we’re down to the wire, so we want you to stay home. Rest your voice. No speeches. Don’t say a thing to anybody.” And, that’s the kind of people they are, folks. That’s the type of wonderful people I’ve worked with for the past four years. At a time when they need my help more than ever, they were concerned about me. They wanted me to be able to take some time off to spend with my family. But, there’s no way Joe Biden’s gonna sit at home when this campaign needs my help! No, I’m out here to remind each and every one of you good people which party understands the things that affect your everyday lives. And, that’s the party of Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Just a few moments ago, I was talking with a wonderful woman who asked me to speak about Sandy. And, I’ll be happy to. Because that’s what we do, folks. We discuss the issues that hard-working everyday Americans care about. So, which one of you is Sandy? Stand up, let everybody see ya’…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Mud Slinging

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …so folks we’re down to the final stretch here. We’re less than a week away from Election Day. And, this has been a very ugly campaign that we’ve been up against… probably the most disgraceful I’ve seen in my entire life in politics. These guys on the other side have absolutely no shame. While we stuck to the important issues, pointing out that Mitt Romney might be a felon, and showing the way Paul Ryan would push your grandmother over a cliff, our opponents ran a dirty, dirty campaign, just throwing mud. They’ve run ads showing that the unemployment numbers and gas prices are higher now than under George W. Bush. They’ve cited polls that claim that most Americans are against Obamacare. They were claiming Barack’s message in the aftermath of the Benghazi attacks was dishonest. This is the kind of nonsense these guys are spewing. Here we are trying to run an honest, admirable campaign… we have this wonderful new commercial showing adorable children singing about how Mitt Romney will allow sick people to die and pollution to overtake the planet. And yet, all they can do is throw mud. That’s all they’ve got folks. That’s all they’ve got…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Obama Will Help

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …and I want to take a moment here to speak directly to the folks who were in the path of this devastating hurricane… Hurricane Sandy. I want to speak directly to all of you who are sitting in your homes right now, without power or any other utilities, listening on the Internet. Barack is working with state and local authorities to help you. Just keep watching your local television stations and go to our website, and they’ll keep you updated as to when you can expect to get your power back working again…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Hurricane

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …Folks, there’s a storm heading our way. And, you can thank the Republicans for this. This Hurricane Sandy. Republicans like Mitt Romney don’t want to do a thing about hurricanes. I’m serious folks. Years ago, guys like Tip O’Neill would go to Ronald Reagan, and they’d say, “Let’s get Joe Biden in here,” and some of the other guys who know how to get things done, and I’d go in there and seven or eight of us – from both sides of the aisle – we would have sat in a room until we had a piece of legislation that would have stopped hurricanes. But now, in the Republican party of Mitt Romney, we can’t get such a simple piece of legislation passed. We can’t even get those guys to agree that hurricanes are bad and need to be outlawed, to sign off on a piece of legislation that would end hurricanes. And these guys want to be in charge? Unbelievable folks, simply unbelievable…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Fixing Unemployment

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …and so often I hear people out there saying that Barack and I are gonna put people out of work. And, let me let you in on a little secret. I’ll tell you a little secret. We are! We plan to put two to three million people out of work in our next term! And that’s just good for the economy. And you won’t hear these types of common sense ideas coming from Republicans. You won’t, folks. But, in order for us to get unemployment numbers down, we have to create more unemployment, then allow those unemployed to age out of the unemployment program, which lowers the unemployment numbers. At the same time, we use regulations to put some of these big, successful companies run by the 1 percent out of business, which creates opportunities for people to start small businesses to replace them, and folks, those new businesses are going to need employees, which creates new jobs. Like I said, it’s just common sense. But, these guys on the other side aren’t smart enough to understand. Folks, I’ve been in politics my whole life. If anyone understands how to run a business, I do…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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