Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: Hillary, Trump, and X Files

Thursday, January 28, 2016 9:21 am

We should start a new political party. And you get kicked out of it if you run for office as you can’t trust those people.

When is Hollywood going to catch up with the rest of the country and be against racism?

I didn’t get scared until Nate Silver started changing his tune on Trump.

The problem with the Republican Party is it peaked too early with freeing the slaves. Can’t really keep up momentum after that.

So how volatile is Trump? Is he “punch a foreign leader” volatile? If so, I might vote for him.

I think a good VP candidate to balance the Trump ticket would be a sad circus clown who says hard truths no one wants to hear.

I hope the third Thor movie is where he finally says “Stop! Hammer time!” or I’m giving up on Marvel.

The X-Files has returned. Hopefully it will explain Trump.

One of the problems for Hillary is finding enough people completely dead inside to enthusiastically support her.

Trump, Hillary, and Bloomberg? It’s going to be a real New York Values election. The living will envy the dead.

Some people on the internet are mean. When did that happen?

The great argument for Bernie Sanders as president is that he’d be completely infective at doing anything.

The problem with Cruz is that no one likes him, including me. Doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad president, though.

I think Hillary will be a nice continuity to the meh of Bush and Obama.

I’m tired of wars in the Middle East. We need wars in all of the other continents. Who can we fight in Antarctica?

The X-Files is on while Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in the news. We’ve time warped backed to the 90s!

I’m a little disappointed National Review didn’t take a stronger stance against Donald Trump.

I for the life of me can’t figure out how anyone can take either Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders seriously.

If I remember right, the X-Files started out on Friday nights when I was a teenager and I never missed an episode. So, that’s me.

This new show The X Files is a blatant ripoff of Fringe.

If George W. Bush was controlled by the Cigarette-Smoking Man, is Donald Trump ruining his plans to put Jeb into power?

Shouldn’t they update The X-Files to modern times and have the guy behind all the conspiracies stand in the shadows vaping?

Sure are a lot of books on being an atheist. How many do you need before you get it down? Not believing in God seems way too complicated.

Latest Downton Abbey was strangely right-wing. Longtime socialist converted by American capitalism and there was big anti-government rant.

Why does Donald Trump have such weird stubby fingers? Did Stannis Baratheon cut off his finger tips for smuggling?

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Random Thoughts: New York Values and Trump

Friday, January 22, 2016 9:16 am

Who’s dumber: Enthusiastic Trump supporter or people who gave millions to Jeb?

“I liked your take down of a right-winger in the YouTube comment section. Half your words were spelled correctly! Want to write for Salon?”

Glad Mad Max got best picture nom. It’s an actual movie with action and special effects. Not some talky-feely nonsense.

How is “New York Values” an insult? And why did those cowboys want to lynch a guy when his salsa was from NYC? I don’t understand!

Wow. Ted Cruz is really losing the New York vote.

“I can’t believe Cruz is insulting my New York values! And this soda is too large; who is going to stop me from drinking it?”

This is stupid. If your reaction to “New York values” was anything other than “what an effective insult” you fail politics 101.

“Hey! I have values that should be respected and not insulted over here!”

When people say “New York values” everyone gets a very specific image in mind. Usually it’s Kylo Ren.

To be honest, I’m actually pretty curious what general election Trump would be like.

I good example of New York values would them banning people from insulting New York values.

I hope Trump is president because then in 2020 the “Dump Trump” slogan writes itself.

Who knew New Yorkers would be so sensitive to the fact that the rest of the country hates them and everything they stand for?

When you insult New York values, you insult America. The absolute worst part of America.

I kid. Who doesn’t love New York? They got pizza slices there.

I understand if you think Hillary is strategically good choice, but stop pretending to be excited about her. It’s embarrassing for everyone.

“We’re super duper excited for this candidate we tossed away as old news back in 2008!”

“Stop pretending there are smart people we can elect who will actually fix things. Vote for Trump.”

“Admit it’s a broken system and vote for a broken person. Elect Trump.”

More important than suing gun companies is being able to sue politicians for the damage their laws do.

“SMOD has abandoned you. Vote Trump.”

Did the DNC successfully negotiate that no video cameras are allowed at the Democrat debate?

Raising the minimum wage doesn’t cost jobs because there’s a magical spell cast upon it that suspends math and the laws of economics.

How much do you get paid when you don’t have a job? That’s the real minimum wage.

I’m officially endorsing burning it all down.

What’s a classical liberal supposed to do in today’s political climate? I’m thinking of taking up woodworking.

Though it happens all the time in fiction, I hope in real life overthrowing an oppressive regime never comes down to a teenage girl.

Scientists ruined my childhood when they declared that Pluto isn’t a planet and that it’s most likely covered in feathers.

There’s sometimes conflict in marriage. I like imitating Mr. T, but my wife doesn’t like it when I call the kids fools.

I think a legitimate criticism against Trump is absolutely anything.

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Random Thoughts: Gun Control, Star Wars, and SOTU

Wednesday, January 13, 2016 9:07 am

A fun thing to do is to sit in the front row for a TED talk and keep yelling, “Stop mansplaining!”

I can’t think of any offhand, but I’m pretty sure there are other possible plot points than planet-destroying super weapon.

Right now a criminal can go online and buy a gun without ID, background check, or even real money. Coins from Super Mario Bros. will do.

Right now, a criminal can buy heat-seeking hollow point bullets that can shoot through walls at any Redbox.

There are currently no laws preventing a criminal from buying a gun enchanted with dark magic to never miss.

No laws prevent a criminal from installing a bullet tap in their house where they just turn on a faucet and fill a cup full of bullets.

This isn’t very libertarian, but if we want to protect kids, we need some sort of law against shooting them.

Currently a criminal can go to any supermarket and buy a plastic gun that is also invisible and fires nuclear warheads.

Not saying Obama’s tears were fake – just thought it was weird he paused his gun control announcement to watch the opening sequence to Up.

There. We made the president cry. I hope we all feel good about ourselves. I know I do.

We need some sort of mental health screening before you’re allowed to get a hydrogen bomb.

So there were people who watched Parks and Rec and didn’t find Leslie Knope’s fascist impulses problematic?

The reason we can’t prevent hydrogen bombs is that the NRA fights any law that tries to restrict access to hydrogen.

Ted Cruz is a secret Canadian who will sell our country to the British. This is a fact no one disputes.

Ted Cruz’s handlers are smart. They cut his mic briefly at the end of each sentence so we don’t hear the “eh”.

I asked Ted Cruz for some bacon and he gave me a weird round piece of ham because he’s a Canadian freak and we can’t trust him.

Why didn’t loser Obama make Mexico pay for our health insurance?

Gun control people don’t need townhalls where they explain their views. They need introspection on why they’ve been failing for decades.

Stop pretending you can decide whether other people have guns.

I’ve never quite gotten why Return of the Jedi is considered so much lesser than the other two Star Wars movies. Great movie.

I can agree that Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back are better than ROTJ, but I don’t consider it on a lower tier than them.

My wife says she likes the new Star Wars better than all the original trilogy. I don’t know how to deal with her.

So many iconic things in ROTJ: Jabba, speeder chase in the forest, the Emperor

I have a “Play it again, Sam” type quote from ROTJ I love to use on trolls: “Good. Only your hate can strike me down.”

Force Awakens is not better than Return of the Jedi. It’s good, but come on.

I’m finding it hard to figure out what my full opinion of The Force Awakens is because I just bring so so much baggage to that movie.

I’m finding Finn to be the most intriguing character because he’s the one with the least analog to any character from the previous trilogy.

Finn is a non-force wielder with some (but not spectacular) weapon skills. No idea where his character arc is going.

So is Hillary in Michael Bay’s 13 Hours doing basically the same role as the Chief of Police in Die Hard?

My best understanding of what it means to be populist is to say really popular, really ignorant things.

Be wary of any philosophy that treats people as a net negative. And these pop up on the left and right.

A Trump vs. Sanders general election would be equal parts awesome and awful.

Wow. $1.3 billion Powerball, and that money came mainly from poor people. I hope Trump wins it.

Can say President Obama is indifferent to Sandy Hook because he’s never proposed anything that would have made a difference with it.

Sanders is just as nutty a candidate as Trump and he has a much higher ceiling with Democrats.

So prefer dealing with electricity to water. Electricity is not constantly at risk of spilling all over the floor.

Then again, electricity is invisible and constantly trying to kill me, but I guess I’m just used to that reality.

I don’t get why anyone would listen to the SOTU who isn’t paid to by a news organization. endorsed Sanders because if you want to move on from the Clinton scandals, the best way is to not elect more Clintons.

Instead of watching the SOTU, I watched old episodes of New Girl on Netflix because I value my time.

She’s a-dork-able.

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Random Thoughts: New Years and Star Wars

Monday, January 4, 2016 9:06 am

The richest one percent earn more than you do.

We need better entitlement reform or we just shouldn’t release entitlements from prison in the first place.

What’s the defense of Bill Clinton? Not quite as many allegations as Bill Cosby?

I’m inclined to agree with Cruz on most things and he comes off to me as weasely. Not sure how’ll he’ll appear to someone less inclined.

I mean, they’re all weasels, but a skilled politician tricks you into forgetting that from time to time.

The name of Han’s ship implies that falcon’s exist in the Star Wars universe. Are any other earth animals referenced?

And I’ve always wondered whether people in Star Trek universe have heard of Star Wars. Like do they ever pretend phasers are lightsabers?

2015 was an extremely eventful year for me and I plan to accomplish even more in 2016. Probably not another kid, though.

My New Years resolution is to uppercut someone so hard I launch him into the air.

Finally saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. If you only see one Star Wars movie this year, you might want to consider it.

Wait, how many Star Wars movies is Disney planning to release each year?

Nice to see that the Empire is more diverse in the new Star Wars. Not only white males can be evil.

So are they going to explain why Percy Weasley changed his name to General Hux?

You can only be disappointed in a delay for the next Game of Thrones book if you had any expectations of ever actually seeing it.

When adjusted for inflation, The Force Awakens has earned negative 3 dollars and was far out-grossed by Police Academy 5.

In the new Star Wars, seems like most of the Empire is a bunch of unintimidating weenies if they’re not wearing masks.

For new Star Wars, we’re going to refer to the two sides as the Rebels and the Empire and not whatever new names they came up with, right?

Getting your tongue stuck in the voting machine will be considered a vote for Trump.

That Kylo Ren is always going on about the power of the dark side and veganism.

Strong anti-gun control message in Star Wars. Rey, Finn given blasters without background check and Han Solo open-carries everywhere.

Looks like the long national nightmare of Avatar being our highest-grossing film ever is finally ending.

What’s the world’s deadliest butterfly? I know a butterfly has never killed anyone, but one has had to come the closest.

Ah, time for Downton Abbey, the trashy soap opera that makes us feel sophisticated for watching it.

I’m still baffled how Avatar made so much money. Of course, I didn’t get Titanic either. It’s like Cameron has voodoo magic I’m immune to.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Hillary, and the Beatles

Monday, December 28, 2015 8:29 am

Trump 2016: “In your heart, you know he’s worth billions of dollars.”

Don’t want a label on product telling me it was made locally. Want a label telling me if it was made where it had best comparative advantage

*listening to Nobel Prize winning Danish physicist going on about electrons’ discrete energy levels*
“More like Niels Not-Very-Interesting.”

Which candidate is finally going to take on the root problem of immigration: the existence of other countries?

You can tell who is an uninformed voter because they’re enthusiastic about one of the candidates.

Bernie Sanders’s backwardness would almost be cute if not for the unacknowledged violence in the system he espouses.

Salon is the Weekly World News of left-wing commentary.

I keep hearing about billionaire Elon Musk, but I realized I have no idea how he made his fortune. I assume cologne.

With choices like Trump and Hillary, maybe we’ll spend more time on strategizing how to persist without any president.

That article Hillary shared, “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your ebola”, seems to have backfired.
Seemed accurate, though. “3. Causes you to vomit blood”

I’m finally going to hear these Beatles I’ve heard everyone talk about.

Need version of Its a Wonderful Life where we find out what things would be like if Uncle Billy never existed. Guessing futuristic utopia.

It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t a Christmas movie. Only a small portion of it occurs during Christmas time. Unlike Die Hard.

I’m not trying to start arguments, but Human Centipede isn’t a Christmas movie.

There is more photographic evidence of bigfoot than there is of anyone actually celebrating Kwanzaa.

You can tell who is a true conservative because they’re not running for a political office.

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Random Thoughts: Guns, Climate Change, and Thanksgiving

Thursday, December 10, 2015 9:31 am

It seems like 90% of the “tolerance” movement is encouraging hate against certain groups of people.

Is Hillary Clinton a woman of some sort? She should try mentioning that as part of her campaign.

Maybe this is just my white privilege talking, but I don’t think giant squid are all that big.

My thoughts on the pyramids is that no one knows who made them, how they made them, or even where they are.

I once saw a pyramid on a dollar bill and it looked back at me. I only use debit now.

Both the success of Barack Obama and the mockery of Ben Carson demonstrate that accomplishments mean nothing when it comes to politics.

Having an infant you need to cradle and hold and protect from everything is good practice for one day having a college-aged kid.

My wife asked how Pokemon is different from dog fighting, and I didn’t have a good answer. More colorful?

Man, I just remembered boot disks. Forgot about those. Back in the day, you had to basically be a hacker to get a PC game to run properly.

Trump seems like the kind of guy who’d start a war over some something he read in an email forward.

If your job can be replaced by a robot, it will. Robots are only getting cheaper and people are only getting more expensive.

It’s useful to learn philosophy at college as long as it’s philosophy about proper code design.

Don’t believe there’s a war on Christmas? For that Jessica Jones series they’re changing Luke Cage’s catchphrase to “Sweet holidays!”

The Mizzou campus has been overtaken by KKK vampires who don’t show up in photos.

In an alternate timeline, 1930s Germany becomes even more warlike and militant to defend against time-traveling baby killers.

If you killed baby Hitler, wouldn’t it freak you out when you return to your time and everyone has the still in style toothbrush mustaches?

I feel like the quality of representation has declined ever since we stopped being ruled by local warlords.

I’m that good generation between the Boomers and the Millennials. We got a little mopey in the 90s but that was it.

I’m against a Muslim backlash, but can’t we wait until people aren’t actively being killed before we devote all energy to fretting about it?

Why do I keep seeing the phrase “terrorism has no religion”? Are you saying all atheists are terrorists?

Tough being a father, instilling in my daughter confidence to fight videogame bosses by herself. Should probably teach her to read, too.

“Sorry. According to this background check, you’re not allowed to have a gun.”
“Golly. I guess instead of murder I’ll go plant a tree.”

If we recycle enough and bike to work, we can defeat terrorism.

Does someone have that really short list of things government does competently so you can check if “screen refugees” is on there?

Since all my opinions are well-formulated, I’ve yet to have anyone disagree with them. But that does sound like that would be awful.

The gun loophole is that there are hundreds of millions of guns in this country and you can’t realistically stop someone from obtaining one.

Fun election. Republicans have a cartoon show while Dems are pretending to be excited for someone who’s almost a parody of a soulless politician.

I don’t get why people love science so much. I once saw some science — it wasn’t very impressive.

Telling people what ISIS wants is exactly what ISIS wants.

Hillary’s ISIS plan is exactly what you’d expect from someone whose qualification is “married to president who wasn’t that good at foreign policy.”

The most interesting thing about Donald Trump is that I didn’t know you could get an MBA at a clown college.

LIFE HACK: Hit life with an axe

To get outraged by something Trump said means I’d have to take him seriously and that’s a bridge too far.

You’re falling into Donald Trump’s trap, acting like he’s someone whose words should ever be taken seriously.

Terrorists got guns into France which has a complete ban. What sort of magical background check would stop them in the U.S.?

We talk a lot about gun control, but a law mandating all SQL statements must have a WHERE clause would prevent a lot of tragedy.

So who holds the middle ground between Trump’s “tag & monitor all Muslims” and Hillary’s “no one who quotes the Quran could be an evil man”?

Our nation’s youth are becoming a bunch of humorless scolds leaving it to our elderly to stick it to the man.

Shouldn’t there be some sort of fact check fact check that ranks them from “actual fact check” to “pure opinion piece”?

Instead of just fact checks, we should also have opinion checks. “FALSE. He does not actually believe that.”

“How to win in an argument with your 5 your old nephew after you get sent to the kiddie table since people can’t stand you for some reason.”

Boycott Joyce Carol Oats. Only buy Quaker Oats.

I read The Origin of the Species and I liked Spider-Man’s origin better.

“It sure is hot out. Hey, I know a great way to cool down: Let’s kill all the Jews.” -how climate change causes terrorism

My position on global warming is that I think the earth is dangerously cold right now and I’m glad we’re doing something about it.

You can be for allowing citizens to have guns or for the government using guns to keep people from having them. Neither is truly anti-gun.

I still don’t get Vox. Are they supposed to explain news to us or are they asking us to explain news to them because they seem very confused.

Stuffing. Dressing. Whatever you call it, I’m not a character from a Charles Dickens novel so I’m not eating soggy bread.

I have nothing against walnuts by themselves, but it seems like they’re on some sick mission to destroy desserts.

The party whose field consists of someone who’s only there because she was married to a president and a senile socialist shouldn’t throw stones.

Between Dems and GOP, there are a lot of dumb choices for president. Argument is that Trump is especially dumb. Not that easy to make.

Giving thanks: Blood test early in pregnancy said she had trisomy 13 (she wouldn’t live very long) but she was born perfectly healthy.
My Baby Girl

Here’s all three of my kids. #Thanksgiving
My Three Kids

The problem is, racist uncles still probably have better logic and reasoning skills than people who take Vox seriously.

And I believe “taking Salon articles seriously” is a condition listed in the DSM-5.

Finally saw new Mad Max. Favorite part was when someone said, “You mad, bro?” And he said, “Yeah, Mad Max!” And then did his Super Max Kick.

I try to be a responsible adult, but my daughter really likes watching me play video games and I hate disappointing her.

Humans are endlessly complex and fascinating, and it’s pretty cool I’ve gotten to make brand new ones.

My favorite part of Mad Max was when the one car crashed into the other and there a big explosion and they exchanged insurance information.

Despite all the hype, you’re extremely unlikely to be killed by a gun in this country. Bad news: Cancer is pretty likely.

Saw there’s a movie about Krampus, the malevolent spirit who in German lore punishes those who claim Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie.

You can buy throwing stars without a background check. You could be a well-known evil ninja and they’ll just ship them to you.

People in this country have too easy an access to guns, knives, cars, propane, listicles, french fries, pugs, the music of Adele

Everyone stop saying mean things about guns! You’re just going to radicalize them!

What if they pass some gun control where you can only carry one gun? For self defense I need to dive through the air while firing two guns.

What if one of the effects of climate change is causing people not to believe in climate change?

0.4% of deaths in the U.S. are from homicide by gun. No idea if that’s a lot or a little.

So do we need better gun control than France to avoid mass shootings?

New modern day version where Scrooge starts out wishing everyone a Merry Christmas but 3 ghosts teach him to say “Happy Holidays” instead.

Sounds like once again those sociopathic gun nuts are going to block the nonexistent gun control that would stop mass shootings.

I’m glad the left has coalesced behind “attack prayer.” That’s probably what all the other gun control pushes were missing.

“Gun control” is not a magic spell that will stop a criminal from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns.

“You need to run faster, Barry!”
“I’m running as fast as I can!”
“You need to run even faster-er!”
-half the dialogue in The Flash

To think there is a right to bear arms because of the 2nd Amendment is to mix up cause and effect.

Society is just going to relentlessly beat you down until you finally accept Ben Affleck as Batman.

Well, at least the left has once again quickly gotten over their fear of intemperate rhetoric.

The couple leaving a six-month old to commit murder is very very hard to wrap my brain around.

I have a 2 a month old. I got her to laugh for the first time over the weekend. There is no better sound in the world than a baby laugh.

The fact that you pretty much never hear of an armed mass shooting victim is gun control working about as well as it possibly can.

I’ve seen a lot of yelling at the NRA, but I’ve yet to see one example of a law they blocked that would have prevented any of this.

There have been 80 million mass shootings since 2010. You’re probably being mass shot right now.

I get annoyed if a salesman doesn’t give up after two nos, and insulted if he gives up after one.

“I don’t know if people are going to buy Ben Affleck as being tough enough to be Batman.”
“Let’s have Jesse Eisenberg stand next to him.”

“What kind of stunt was that, Luke? That’s it! You’re off the Force!” -Captain Obi Wan

A dismissive attitude won’t get rid of Trump as that’s what created him.

In a way, Trump is the establishment candidate, because it’s almost solely the fault of the GOP establishment that he exists.

A surprisingly large amount of Twitter is being lectured on compassion by partisan sociopaths.

Doesn’t so many people feeling free to spew vile hate at gun owners prove they don’t fear their neighbor owning a gun?

If people actually feared NRA members, they’d be careful what they say. But everyone understands NRA members don’t shoot anybody.

It’s actually kind of beautiful that in America a large group of people known for owning guns are only feared because they vote.

So the NYT’s big idea to end gun violence – that absolutely had to go on front page – is to ban a type of gun used in like 1% of crimes.

The gun control people need a lot of introspection. The front page NYT editorial just demonstrates they have no clue why they’re irrelevant.

They care enough to scream at the NRA, but not enough to devote even one minute of clear-headed thought to the issue.

If you want to dictate who can or cannot have guns, you’ll need guns.

I won’t believe in climate change until the NYT does a front page editorial on it.

Hey, nut jobs, no one is talking about taking away your guns. Except for the front page of the New York Times.

One of the most common mistakes of inexperienced politicians is to bite babies instead of kissing them.

It’s really weaselly to lump suicides in with homicides when trying to make a point on guns. Those are two very different motives. And while gun control can reduce suicide by guns, there’s no evidence it reduces suicide overall.

I am baffled by gun control proponents inability to learn anything from their decades of failure other than to shut up about confiscation. And they can’t even do that consistently.

Tonight will be President Obama’s 80 millionth public address and is expected to have an audience of up to 5.

The more irrelevant the president is, the better the country is doing.

I once conceal-carried two full size .45s because it’s not entirely implausible a John Woo film could suddenly break out. #Merica

I hope President Obama isn’t announcing he’s joining ISIS. I think that would be a mistake.

If you follow the money, the main force behind gun control are bears waiting for humans to disarm so they can once again take over.

Shouldn’t we say “happy holidays” all year long?

Seems pointless to want to get rid of the 2nd Amendment when the 1st still leaves people access to killing words like “Muad’Dib.”

If we have strict gun control, no one will be able to commit a mass shooting without breaking the law.

“I honestly thought this was my last month as president, but I found I still have a whole other year left. I’m just as upset as you are.”

If you are a president arguing to take away people’s rights without due process, you are a bad president.

The FBI has a list of known terrorists, but they know Obama won’t do anything about them so they want to leave that up to gun store owners.

There is no gun crisis or Islamic terrorism crisis in America. Everyone calm down before you die of #1 killer heart disease.

If a Trump presidency makes us realize we need to severely limit the powers of the president, it might be a good thing.

So has anyone figured out how the Elf on the Shelf keeps moving every night?

The guarantee on the Elf on the Shelf box that it “won’t eat your child’s soul” isn’t as reassuring as they think.

The next New York Daily News cover should just say “IMPOTENT SCREAM” in their largest font.

You have around a 0.004% chance of being shot to death in the US per year. Much higher or lower based on whether or not you’re a gang member.

They should have a no terrorist list. If you’re on this list, you’re not allowed to be a terrorist.

“Background check said you’re on the terrorist watchlist, so you can only buy 8 guns.”
“But I wanted 9.”
“Shut up, terrorist!”

On the FBI watch list are Rolex, Casio, and Timex.

J is the best middle initial. Bullwinkle J. Moose, Homer J. Simpson, Donald J. Trump… great for cartoon characters.

Why do Republicans get all the blame for Trump? The Democrats being a bunch of incompetent, arrogant clowns was what made him too.

Really, who is less serious? Trump and his ban all Muslims idiocy or Obama and his blaming terrorism on climate change?

What we have is not Trump versus serious people. It’s an obvious clown versus people who aren’t aware they’re clowns. Pure clown fight.

The Trump slogan I would find the most persuasive would be “Why vote for the lesser clown?”

I explained to my 5yo about Saturday morning cartoons, how cartoons were only on one day of the week and you couldn’t control them.

My daughter “shared” a piece of her brother’s candy with me and I had to explain to her what a Democrat is.

Errors that cannot be reliably reproduced are the absolute worst.

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Random Thoughts: Carson, Jeb, Dem Debate

Tuesday, November 3, 2015 9:20 am

Of course Bernie Sanders isn’t anti-gun. How are you going to make socialism work without lots of guns?

Bernie Sanders’s views and hair can best be explained from him living in a cave for the past 50+ years.

To see collective right in the 2nd Amendment takes advanced legal knowledge. To see an individual right takes basic reading comprehension.

“Look at this desiccated corpse of a grape. Let’s put it in cookies because I hate children.” -inventor of raisins

“Hey, I have a great idea to halt the fifty year trend against gun control: I’ll label people who disagree with me ‘pro-massacre.'”

My advice for gun control people: Introspection. When you’ve been losing the argument for this long, the question is what are you missing.

Scary rights are the most important rights to defend.

So there’s a debate whether socialist Bernie Sanders – who’s one claim to fame is he’s an avowed socialist – is a socialist?

“Freedom allows capitalism and guns and ruins our plans. Destroy freedom!”
“Yes, destroy the freedom!”
-Dem debate preview

“I hate this country!”
“I hate it more!”
“I also hate Canada because it reminds me too much of the U.S.” #DemDebate

“I wish the Soviet Union won.”
“Where is flag? I want burn flag!”
“I am old and confused.” #DemDebate

“Tax all the monies!”
“Eliminate all the babies!”
“I wore an onion on my belt as it was the style at the time.” #DemDebate

“Power! Give me power!”
“Everyone who disagrees with me is a racist.”
“I’m old and computers are scary.” #DemDebate

It’s too easy to get a gun. It’s easier to get a gun than get a book. The only thing easier is getting a Nobel Peace prize.

Socialism is the idea that violent force is an appropriate response to peaceful, voluntary exchange.

It’s time we finally talk about the root cause of conflict in the Middle East: violent video games.

Was it wise to put Bernie Sanders on the same stage as a man who has actually killed Communists?

Jeb Bush: The right hates him. The left hates him. He’s the unity candidate.

“How do I stop all these sword nuts from being so obsessed with bladed weaponry?”
*invents gun*

I’m really optimistic about how long the country after this one is going to last.

All the whores and Democrats will look up to Biden and shout “Save us!” …and he’ll look down and whisper “No.”

“I hope we can finally put this email scandal behind us,” Hillary says behind glass at the federal penitentiary.

Heard this McDonald’s ad acting like they’re rebels for offering breakfast even though we’ve been screaming at them to do this for decades.

“Truth” is a very interesting story of how a random document written about Bush in 1973 became the basis for the default settings in MSWord.

Reading too much into fact that Biden’s son said on deathbed that he had to stop Hillary. That’s what everyone says on their deathbed.

I don’t want to sound racist, but I won’t watch the new Star Wars movie since they made Spock black. He’s supposed to be Asian.

“No flying cars. No moon base. No hoverboards. Because in 2015, 90% of technological advancement will be about phones.”

What if the reason Hitler was so malicious was because of all the time travelers who tried to kill him as a baby?

So the Ben Carson strategy seems to be to speak softly and… I don’t even know what the second part is, but it appears to be working.

Could choice really be between 90s novelty act Trump and “I was married to a president!” Hillary? Maybe politics should be a clown show.

Ben Carson is kind of a weird candidate for president because he’s actually done something useful for society before.

Koko the gorilla who knows sign language is 44 and was born in CA, i.e., she’s eligible to be president. Koko 2016. Kittens for all!

Don’t usually watch random things on Netflix, but description of Kung Fury demanded attention. First 5 min already most awesome thing ever.

The government only ever has two options in regards to the economy:
1. Screw it up
2. Leave it alone

In Dem debate, will they ask tough questions to create wedge with base, like “Name your favorite country.”?

I’d call for Jeb to get out of the 2016 race, but I’ve never been completely certain he was ever in it.

Who are you going to believe on Benghazi: Those damn lying victims’ families or famed honest person Hillary Clinton?

You have to have some sympathy for anyone who feels forced to take and defend the position “Hillary didn’t lie.”

Were I to live a thousand years and devote every moment to satire, I could still not achieve this.

What bothered me most on Supergirl was all the “What? A woman being capable of things? How outlandish and revolutionary!” Almost quaint.

My life goal is to one day be that house that hands out full-size candy bars.

My daughter embarrassed me by not being able to identify Darth Vader but got bonus points for knowing response to “I am your father.”

My wife is watching that movie where the guy and gal can’t stand each other in the beginning but then eventually fall for each other.

We in the middle class were always complaining that our health insurance was too good and too cheap, so it’s great how Obama fixed that.

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Random Thoughts: Wow! No Mention of Trump

Tuesday, October 6, 2015 8:59 am

We need a word for the great feeling of temporarily having the latest tech.

A Jeb Bush versus Hillary Clinton general election would probably gets its own chapter in the eventual books on the fall of the U.S.

Think of the money Twitter could make if they let you pay $1 for 5 characters more on a single tweet.

Testing out my new iPhone camera.
Baby C Fleming

Seen a few tweets where the gist of them were “Planned Parenthood gave me birth control, so ignore the organ harvesting.”

It just seems like there has to be a way to get people birth control without it being connected to the Jeffrey Dahmer stuff.

Don’t even think Orwell could imagine “woman’s health” becoming this catch-all phrase that even includes harvesting brains from tiny humans.

Some say it’s civilized to violently kill tiny humans who are inconvenient and then hack them apart for other purposes and others say no.

I don’t think Hillary should be president, but I hope she finds a nice retirement home.

I found out I can make Siri British so I did.

You can also make Siri Australian, but I just don’t trust Australians. No offense, Aussies. Please don’t steal my stuff.

You don’t actually get to decide whether or not someone else can get a gun. You can only affect the difficult of obtaining it. And with more than 300 million guns in this country, you can’t actually affect the difficulty very much.

If Obama doesn’t want us to have guns, can we have predator drones instead?

Is it just me, or did that NYTimes “modern man” description sound an awful lot like Adolph Hitler?

Disarming the citizenry is unrealistic, but maybe we can get a bipartisan movement going to disarm the government.

Really interested in the opinion on guns from someone who blows up countless people with predator drones.

The best way Obama could keep guns from people would be to pass mass legislation with the intention of getting everyone a gun.

Got first two pages of the sequel to Superego done. No violence yet. Slow start :(

It’s funny. I understand the right’s hate for Jeb, but the left’s hate is kinda baffling.

Confiscating 300 million guns sounds impossible, but there are a lot less murderers than that. Let’s confiscate murderers.

Irresponsible voting has more of a fat tail problem than irresponsible gun usage. Bad voting could lead to oppression, nuclear war.

I’m so disappointed in Hollywood for not having a Back to the Future remake out this year where he goes back 30 years to 1985.

The deliciousness of Chick-fil-A proves we’ve made no progress since Jim Crow.

FedEx guy delivering my new iPhone said, “Congratulations.” Yep, iPhones are awesome. Realized he meant the newborn I was holding, though.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Muslim Obama, Trump

Friday, September 25, 2015 8:19 am

Trump’s speech was him describing blimp he just saw and then he screamed at a cardboard cutout of Worf about how rich he is. Crowd loved it.

So Ben Carson, huh? Normally he’d be a crazy choice (never held office), but circumstances have made him the less crazy one.

Surgeon doesn’t seem like an occupation with much experience applicable to being president. Better than community organizer, though.

It would be nice if the left paid attention to injustice even when they couldn’t make a partisan political point about it.

The problem is not John Roberts. The problem is a six page document meaning radically different things based on which judge is appointed.

Yeah, Trump not getting sufficiently outraged when someone called Obama a Muslim is totally what’s going to sink him.

What’s so ridiculous about the Muslim charge against Obama is that it’s so hard to imagine him as religious.

Is there a Muslim equivalent to the Catholic who only goes to church on Christmas and Easter?

“OBAMA’S NOT A MUSLIM!!!! …not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Christians, yes I keep using the fed govt against you and your beliefs, but you must defend me when someone challenges my faith!” -Obama

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Doctor who?”
*adjusts taped up glasses* “He’s just called ‘The Doctor.'”

First kid is complete and painful destruction of your previous self. Third kid is a minor adjustment to change some diapers at night.

Trying to figure out how to explain to my 2yo son he’s now the middle child and what that means.

I don’t even remember why I once thought newborns were hard. They eat (wife’s job) and they sleep. Dog takes more attention. #3rdKid

Telemarketer for TWC: “Do you make lots of long distance calls?” Who keep tracks of what calls are local or long distance anymore?

I thought we as a society had moved past the local/long distance distinction. It’s all just data moving through the inter-tubes.

“Hi. I’m a really successful governor. Here’s a list of my accomplishments…”

With GOP candidates dropping out of the presidential race like this, there could be as few as fifty left in the race by the end of the year.

If you want some extra challenge when putting together an IKEA dresser, let your 4yo and 2yo help every step of the way.

More interesting question: What do people think of a Scientologist president?

So who is the top GOP candidate who has actually held office before? Oh, and isn’t Jeb.

If you’re angry at price gouging on medicine, remember that it wouldn’t be possible without the help of the FDA.

Donald Trump and Ann Coulter have become like the Joker and Harley Quinn.

Donald Trump will take on all of America’s enemies: Megyn Kelly, Club for Growth, that dog who looked at him funny.

If people wouldn’t abandon Trump for being ideologically incoherent, hopefully they’ll finally dump him for being a whiny little bitch.

“In a ‘we just don’t care’ rerun of Bush versus Clinton, I’m the least energetic.” #JebPitch

“Why elect someone with one president in her immediate family when you can elect someone with two. That’s just math.” #JebPitch

“I just don’t have the energy to raise your taxes.” #JebPitch

Hillary’s message for little girls is you can do anything as long as you marry someone who already did it and don’t care if he’s awful.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Sanders, and Apple

Tuesday, September 15, 2015 8:27 am

It’s kinda like Bernie Sanders’s ideas were frozen in amber while the rest of him aged.

Apple: We weren’t going to make a stylus until we could figure out how to make you pay a hundred bucks for it.

Interesting if the election is between Sanders, a socialist, and a Trump, a… buffoon who gets pissy. I don’t know what my point is.

Presidential elections were invented to keep the most awful people in our country busy.

So proud. My daughter got her first trophy in Mario Kart. And it was a gold.

To all the people bad-mouthing Trump, I would point out there are benefits to the president being an obvious clown.

Iran signed onto the deal when they got the agreement changed from “probably won’t nuke anyone” to “maybe won’t nuke anyone.”

TRUMP: “Sorry I’m late. Spent an hour screaming at a squirrel. Anyway, I’ve taken all your houses through eminent domain.”
*crowd goes wild*

If Elon Musk really wants to nuke Mars, may I propose to head up a test plan to nuke something in space quite a bit closer.

“I’m pleased to announce that your current iPhone 6 is now a piece of crap you wouldn’t even give to a monkey.”

Apple: “If there’s a moment of the day you’re not staring at a screen, we’re failures.”

Hillary’s strategists say she needs to loosen up and cackle more.

If only there were some religious people in the Middle East who could help the needy like the Syrian refugees.

TRUMP: *bites head off live puppy* “I never liked the Bill of Rights.”
PUNDITS: “This should sink him.”
*Trump’s poll numbers go up*

At this rate, Donald Trump will be the single, awfullest human being the world has ever seen and win the primary with 99% of the vote.

It’s hard to get excited for Verizon’s 5G service.
“Now I’ll be able to use up my monthly data limit in 3 seconds!”

Evolution is a scientific theory that’s nothing but useless trivia to 99% of people. Stop treating it like a religious worldview.

Just to be clear, a position Obama held in 2008 when the left heralded him as the most enlightened being ever is now super bigoted?

“We suddenly decided the basic understanding ppl had about marriage for 1000s of years is bigoted. Why isn’t everyone going along with it?”

Trump fans care about Trump’s foreign affairs knowledge in the same way Tom Brady fans care about his foreign affairs knowledge.

I kinda like Bernie Sanders. He doesn’t seem like a politician but someone with real, sincere beliefs. Related: He’s a nut job.

Isn’t it time for James Bond to be played by an American faking a bad cockney accent?

Anyone who has paid any attention to politics over the past 100+ years knows “tax the rich” always ends up “tax the middle class”.

I’m pretty sure everyone agrees Hillary is hugely corrupt. Her supporters have this fantasy, though, that she’s also competent.

On my politician ranking scale, the highest possible rank is “harmless idiot”.

“We can’t defund the Nazis! Some of them do cancer screenings!”

By now we’ve realized that Trump could start murdering his own supporters and the only ones he’d lose would be the ones he murdered.

President Obama is finally trying to help the middle class, as their second biggest concern according to polls is misnamed mountains.

PREZ: “Find anything out about the phenomenon?”
DOG SCIENTIST: “No. Looked at it. Tilted head slightly – tried every analytical technique.”

Review of Our Solar System: “Random yet boring selection of planets, only one of which is (barely) habitable. One star.”

If there was an actual movement to confiscate guns in this country, it would cause a civil war between people with guns and people without.

There was huge crime surge starting in the 1960s because that was the decade guns were invented.

College costs sky-rocketed when the government tried to make it more affordable. Just wait until they try and make it free.

Patriarchy? Did you even bother to ask all your oppressors what gender they identify as?

It would be easier to take Trump supporters seriously if they stopped doing insane, incoherent things like supporting Donald Trump.

Big Bird needs government funds to survive as much as Mickey Mouse does.

I really think we should expand our search for presidents beyond the immediately family of previous presidents and 90s novelty acts.

The Hillary email story is no a big deal. There’s nothing in Constitution preventing someone from being elected president while in prison.

After years of divide, the country was finally brought together in 2018 to help rescue President Biden from being trapped down that well.

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Random Thoughts: Fantastic 4, College Costs, and Tromp

Wednesday, August 12, 2015 9:05 am

Let my daughter watch Jem the other day and now I can’t get the theme song out of my head.

Never got over the suspicion that Jem was inauthentically outrageous, despite repeated assertions to the contrary.

Didn’t watch the debates, but interesting that women – Carly Fiorina and Megyn Kelly – are dominating all the talk about them.

And neither of them got where they are through marriage.

I like Tromp! He is angry and yells at people! Need more Tromp!

“So do you want some sort of coherent politically philosophy, or are you happy with just angry yelling?”

Apparently a large number of people can’t tell the difference between being tough and being thin-skinned and pissy.

Are there people who really didn’t get that Trump is a joke candidate until the Megyn Kelly line?

Was there anything so awful Ted Kennedy could do that he’d lose support? Such is Trump’s base.

I can still be surprised by how silly Trump gets, but I don’t take him seriously enough to get outraged.

*dog repeatedly runs into glass door*
“He never backs down! He just like hero Donald Tromp!”

I’m glad we’re finally cracking down on the number one threat to black people: Bernie Sanders.

Difference between Democrats and Republicans: Republicans are working really hard to stop the horrible person who is their frontrunner.

Why did anyone get it in there head Fantastic 4 is a great franchise to keep trying to remake? Best I can imagine it being is watchable.

There’s a rock guy, a stretch guy, and invisible girl, and someone with actual superpowers. Not much they can do.

I just don’t get the idea of making into a movie every comicbook that everyone has heard of but no one actually reads.

*chihuahua viciously attacks the shoes of everyone entering the room*
TRUMP SUPPORTER: “I think that dog is raising some legitimate points.”

The feminist future is men starving from lack of sandwiches and women being overrun with spiders.

So what did people think of season 2 of HBO’s Real Detective Stories or Detective Brand Detectives or whatever it’s called?

Is the Trump candidacy basically the plot to The Babadook?

“Sorry, President Trump can’t meet with the ambassadors from China. He has a busy day planned of responding to YouTube comments.”

Every effort the government has made to help with college costs has caused them to further skyrocket. Just stop it.

The government keeps throwing money at college and costs keep rising. So Hillary’s plan? THROW MORE MONEY AT IT! Gah!

Student debt is the symptom of the problem. What needs to be done is to finally give colleges incentives to actually cut costs.

BTW, this issue of college costs was talked about in the first episode of Love Gov.

If I were rich and smart and attractive, I’d mention that constantly in every conversation.

Wow, Trump’s position on abortion has really changed since back when he said, “Abort all the babies. They’re a bunch of slobs and losers.”

You don’t need to be politically correct, but it helps to be correct about something.

We need a fighter who will FIGHT ALL THE THINGS!

Everyone loves my novel. There’s a handful of negative reviews, but they’re all from losers and slobs.

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Random Thoughts: Lions, Iran, and Trump

Friday, August 7, 2015 9:02 am

When was the last time a lion did something that benefited society? On the other hand, dentists help us not look British.

Why is a lion the animal we freak out about when it gets hunted? Lions are mean and they bite.

“Watch Jon Stewart DESTROY his anti-matter counterpart when they collide.”

I just can’t take Objective C seriously because it’s boolean values are “YES” and “NO”. Was it made for three year olds?

And what’s with the bracket function calls? “I’m going to have C language do function calls like Lisp because I’m a dangerous psychopath.”

I like Swift, though. No semicolon seems natural. If every line needs a semicolon, then no line needs it.

They should do something like the Dummies series but instead for journalists like “Christianity for Journalists” and “Guns for Journalists”.

Biden needs to enter the race to give the Democrats a wider selection of elderly white people.

So Five Guys still batting about .500 on remembering bacon for to go orders. They owe me like $50 of bacon by now.

Yeah, I’m a sucker.

Wow. Agents of SHIELD way better in second season. All the boring characters were made interesting. Coulson actually least interesting.

I went from actively rooting for Skye’s death to caring about her character.

First we elect president Biden. Then he gets kidnapped by ninjas. And then we get Bad Dudes for real.

Dentists are killing lions at an alarming rate of 1.

Wait… we’re not supposed to destroy robot hitchhikers?

Can’t we all agree that Trump and Jeb are both equally horrible and idiotic choices?

First episode of Love Gov is well over 500k views. Hope everyone checked it out, as it’s awesome.

Jeb said something stupid? No time to tell me what it was; lets just dump him.

I’m kind of proud about how the amount I care about lions remains fairly constant.

Ayatollah: “Death to America!”
Obama: *whispering* “`To be honest, that’s fine with me come 2017.”

Half of the Clintons’ charitable donations are to The Clinton Foundation. The other half is to The Human Fund.

Would be neat to see an Obama versus Trump debate. They’re at about the same level of obnoxiousness.

Is Five Night’s at Freddy’s guy setting some sort of sequel record, as we’re to number 4 and it hasn’t even been a year since 1st released?

Not criticizing Five Nights at Freddy’s. Each sequel has changed up the gameplay and been an increase in quality.

Can we least admit violently dismembering tiny humans because they inconvenience us is not the most civilized thing humanity has ever done?

Good debate question for Jim Gilmore: “Can you prove you exist?”

I’m sorry John Stewart passed away. He mad me laugh a few times.

This Trump phenomenon is a bit like watching Naked Gun with someone who’s convinced it’s a dramatic thriller.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Extremism, and Gun Control

Wednesday, July 29, 2015 9:09 am

These male feminists seem like an evolutionary dead end for obvious reasons.

Exactly what “cuckservative” means seems less relevant than the people trying to use it as as slur are all dumb racists.

Just cucking with my cucks.

Would be funny if there was a follow up to the NYMag article. “I had a lapse in my feminism. I murdered Paulo.”

How do the white supremacists expect Trump to win if they chase away the cuckservative vote?

So the Democrats really can’t find anyone other than white people to run for president?

If you want to keep someone from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns in this country, it’s not a law you need but a magic spell.

“Hello. I am rich white woman who married into position of power. Vote for me to help feminism, poor people, social justice.”

Only the government should have guns and they should use them to make people bake cakes.

Trying out Google Cardboard. Pretty amazing how well the default iPhone hardware works for head tracking.

Interesting how in this country people can say the most insulting things about gun owners without fear of reprisal (beyond the ballot box).

PRO TIP: One of the keys to appealing to white people on issues of race is to not constantly refer to them as “white people”.

No disagreement with anyone who argues Republicans are awful. I only have a beef with them if they do it to ignore that Democrats are awful.

Tried watching Star Wars with my daughter today.
“Episode 4? We should start with episode 1.”
“Absolutely not!”

Second season of Agents of SHIELD is leagues better than first. Actually care about plot and characters.

And Skye can be on screen and talking and I don’t actively wish for her death.

As awful and as ridiculous a candidate as Trump is, it’s still really easy to see why people would pick him over the GOP establishment.

Why all the focus on the weirdos supporting Trump? Who are these sociopathic idiots supporting Jeb?

From a left-wing perspective, innovation is problematic as it’s extremely disruptive to central planning.

Hillary is dishonest and corrupt, but without any indication of competency. She’s not Frank Underwood; she’s Cersei Lannister.

Everyone should have some “extreme” views. The key to not sounding like a nut is being aware when your ideas are extreme.

Expected a lot of silly things to come out of the Trump candidacy, but “embolden white supremacists” really came out of left field.

The left should try to understand why they utterly lost on gun control rather than pretend the debate is still ongoing.

I’m sure a few more angry tweets about gun control will totally reverse the half a century trend on that issue.

I completely forgot Rand Paul is running for president. He was the one who was supposed to be the eccentric choice.

If we really want to elect a woman president, just remember there are a lot of other women than Hillary. Might want to cast a wider net.

The alternative to the free market is to use force to prevent peaceful, voluntary exchange.

I do highly recommend Arthur Brook’s The Conservative Heart. Very good ideas on the positive approach the right should be taking.

Probably doesn’t jive much with Trump.

If we don’t murder a lion every so often just because we can, nature gets uppity.

Crushing tiny humans to death and harvesting their organs is a normal, unremarkable part of modern, civilized society.

Is all that outrage over that dentist shooting a lion because of love of lions or hatred of zebras?

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Random Thoughts: Trump, White People, and Climate Change

Thursday, July 23, 2015 8:53 am

“To actually get something useful out of this deal would have taken major concessions on our part.”

Don’t get all this worry. Pretty unlikely Iran is going to nuke us. Maybe some other country, but not us.

As much as I think Trump is a clown and the least trustworthy person in the race, it would still be hard choice between him and Jeb.

I think we should err on the side of our questions to politicians being too tough versus worrying whether we’re nice.

Like our new house, but went to replace our air filters and there’s four of them and they’re each a different size.

Three of them require a step stool to reach. Just seems like that could be designed better.

How exactly does making military bases “gun free zones” make sense to anyone?

Wasn’t it Hillary’s husband who made military bases “gun free”? Someone asking her opinion on that? Are we allowed to ask her questions?

Remember weird gun policy stories from my dad in Vietnam where he had to take a gun to leave base and then hide it so he could go in the PX.

Do I need to draw up a Venn diagram of “people who obey signs” and “people intent on murder” or are we all aware what that looks like?

Is there some sort of registry where you can check if an employee of Gawker lives in your neighborhood?

There was a cobra loose in Austin, but it was found. Dead. Now I’m scared of WHAT KILLED THE COBRA!!!

Trump is a clown who says clown things? :surprised face emoji:

I can’t pretend outrage at anything Trump does. That would be like getting angry at a pig for rolling around in the mud. Expected behavior.

What I don’t get is that people like Trump because he “speaks his mind.” No he doesn’t. If he did, he’d say, “Look at me!” over and over.

Rhyming and meter is an invention of the white patriarchy to control speech! #NNPoetry

When you see how white Bernie Sanders supporters are, you realize the diversity of the Democrat Party is very segregated.

I guess you can say the Democrat Party is made up of a number of separate but equal racial special interests.

(they’re not actually equal)

Hear some people punish kids these days by taking away iPad and making them watch TV. Cruel. When kids are bad, I only give them an iPad 1.

I hope they chase all the white people out of the Democrat Party. Those people are awful.

In my dream world, we take every politician as seriously as we do Trump.

Innovation is nothing but disruptive to central planning.

So what caused the Gawker editors to resign? They got that same curse put on them the gypsies put on Angelus?

46 years ago we were able to go to the moon. We can’t do it anymore, though, because of OSHA regulations.

I assume MMFA is classified as hate group. Doesn’t seem psychologically healthy to spend all day focusing on things you hate.

Just being logical, there’s always going to be a bit of a morality problem with an organization that makes good money chopping up babies.

Uber, but for bad comparisons to Uber.

Airbnb, but for taxi cabs.

Being a Trump fan tells me you like partisan battles but don’t take the underlying ideas very seriously.

Trump is a conservative like Stephen Colbert is a conservative.

Trump is that birther nonsense again – the subset of the right who are as intellectually incoherent as the left.

I hate the establishment GOP and think they’re useless too. Doesn’t mean I’m going to prop up some noisy, left-wing clown.

You don’t see many on the left go after specific things Jesus said. There’s something refreshingly honest about that.

“Why should we listen to Jesus? He never even went to college.”

I never got all these music awards. Where are the music punishments for bad music?

I can’t believe all these troglodytes crying about “climate change.” Don’t be so closed minded that you hate and fear change.

“I don’t want the climate to change. I like it back like it was in the 50s… when we kept minorities in their place.”
Shut up, racist!

“I’m going to murder a bunch of minorities! …Wait, I can get hate crime penalties in addition to execution? I’m going to rethink this…”

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Random Thoughts: China, Guns, and Pluto

Wednesday, July 15, 2015 8:58 am

I thought the whole country was of one mind on the Confederate flag now, but Massachusetts just voted to fly it over their capitol. Weird.

“Going to pahk the cah and salute the Confederaht flag.”

If year ago you told me I’d write series in which human personification of governmentt gives a speech about Aquaman, I’d say, “Sounds about right.”

Cool write up of Love Gov. It’s really great to be working for Emergent Order on these unique projects.

If you want to escape your privilege, you need to take a time machine to the Stone Age.

I think a Bush vs. Clinton election would be great if we’re trying to set a record for depressed turnout.

Yes. We all know now. Mitt Romney was absolutely right about everything. But guess what: Just didn’t like him.

It’s kinda scary when a country like China has information so sensitive you’d only expect Google to have it.

How do I set my watchman? It just keeps flashing “12:00”.

The problem is that no matter how solid we make the Three Laws of Politics, it all gets overridden by the zeroth law of “get elected.”

I thought quaaludes was something you bet when Captain Kirk fights an alien.

There are over 300 million guns in this country. I don’t care what background checks you have; it will never be hard to get one.

Preventing determined criminals from getting access to guns similar in scope to preventing determined criminals from getting access to lamps.

Any realistic gun policy starts with the assumption criminals can get guns whenever they want them.

Why didn’t OPM listen to Neil deGrasse Tyson and create an unhackable system?

Just had a thought: That Grande person who hates America – where was she when this hack happened?

The government is great for anything where you don’t care about cost or competency.

I just don’t understand how it’s physically possible to take Donald Trump seriously.

Rejected first draft To Kill a Mockingbird is at least educational from a writer’s stand point.

Sounds like the new solo Batman movie will have the same problem as Argo: great director, meh lead actor.

My 4yo daughter was watching something called “Mother Goose Club” and I told her what the first 2 rules are but she didn’t get the reference.

I thought Scott Walker announced like a month ago. This is like impossible to keep track of.

The only evidence Jesus is a socialist is the one time he used violent force to stop voluntary exchange.

That was more of a temple desecration issue, but that’s the only thing near a socialist act from Jesus.

So I’ve learned Democrats are pretty scared of Walker.

What’s happened to Bill Cosby has to be an alarming trend to Bill Clinton.

Finally got to me Mary Katharine Ham in person! Had lunch with her along with the lovely and talented SarahK.

Seems like Austin is a better place for meeting people in person than Boise.

Can Pluto be a planet again now that NASA proved it exists? When does it supernova?

Of course, why would we believe NASA about Pluto after they’ve been spying on our phone calls and emails?

$400 PS4 bundle with Arkham Knight so tempting. I want to punch bad guys! I want to punch lots of them in series!

It’s not like selling organs is the most ethically dubious thing Planned Parenthood does.

Giving Agents of SHIELD another try. I hear eventually you don’t spend the whole episode hoping Skye gets killed.

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Random Thought: Independence Day, Supreme Court, and Modern Dirty Harry

Thursday, July 9, 2015 9:35 am

There error that both President Obama’s supporters and detractors make is believing there is something exceptional about him.

Why does Google Chat now have deflated smiley faces?

A great Vox article would be “Our website proves the 1st Amendment was a mistake.”

It’s possible to criticize conservatives without bring up race, gender, or sexuality.

Yes, it’s been 10 years now with the t-shirt babe. Starting a blog was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

It’s not easy being a country that’s a million times better than the 2nd best country. I hope July 4th is a day nations can appreciate that.

So was it ever explained how Danger Mouse lost his eye?

Did math give a concession speech after Greece’s no vote?

There’s no more American way to end a 4th July weekend than winning at soccer.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. The first is charges of racism and sexism.

“Entitlements? The only thing you’re absolutely entitled to is death.” -Frank J. 2016

Solution to Supreme Court is make it like jury duty. Grab people off the street to rule based on plain meaning of language in Constitution.

The Constitution is a frick’n six page document. Doesn’t require years as a judge to understand anymore than rules to Monopoly.

4 of 9 justices couldn’t find “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed” in the Constitution. Learned stupidity.

The hardest thing about seeing a socialist state run out of money is resisting the urge to laugh. B/c people really are going to suffer.

The left believes in separation of church and state in only one direction.

“I have a great idea!”
*pulls out a gun and shoots ISIS*

The popularity of Bernie Sanders shows that the Democrat Party has been neglecting it’s base: old, white hippies.

Talk softly and carry a big idea.

What if the Han Solo origin movie is just an hour and half of him at the mall trying on vests?

Reminder: There’s like 320 million people in the U.S. Seems like we could afford to have high standards for the president.

Proud of the #LoveGov series, but found out that the name has already been used to refer to Mark Sanford and Eliot Spitzer :(

So the China cyber attack has begun, right? Civilization was fun while it lasted. Well, it was okay.

So how long until SJWs demand the name be changed to “Batperson v Superperson”?

Okay, I’m finally going to ask: What in the world is a “sunny bunch”?

I’d love to see a new Dirty Harry movie where he reacts to the idiocy of modern day San Francisco.

“Detective, Callahan! What did you do?!”
“You said we’re a sanctuary city and I had to let him go.”
“You dropped him off a building!”

Oh, good ole’ Dirty Harry. His badge only ever got in the way of catching the perp.

“Here’s your trigger warning: Shut up or I pull this trigger.”

“Safe space is what I call your grave.”

“Don’t worry about my white privilege. Worry about the privilege of the guy with the loaded .44”

“This is a .44 magnum, the… Sorry, an 11mm magnum. Keep forgetting we’re metric now.”

I think a killer business idea now would be a furniture store that just specializes in fainting couches.

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Random Thoughts: Supreme Court, Peas, and Canada

Thursday, July 2, 2015 9:10 am

Ever notice how white liberals get extra irrational angry at conservatives who are minorities?

To advance on the issue of race, the left needs to focus more on their own racism than what they perceive as everyone else’s.

We wouldn’t need all these Supreme Court decisions if sweeping legislation wasn’t hastily scrawled in crayon.

So is the job of SCOTUS to proofread laws?

Peak stupid will be when schools reissue new history books that don’t include the Confederate flag.

They’ll tweak and adjust ACA until it works kind of like you’d tweak and adjust something you found in the toilet until it’s edible.

Now everyone’s got a right to the thing that no one agrees exactly what it is.

From a Christian perspective, Jesus was pretty clear on what God’s model for marriage is, but said nothing on what that means for government.

Obama: “I’m really happy this thing happened that I was cynically against like just a couple months ago.”

I see a lot of angry reactions. Strangely enough, most of it from supporters of gay marriage.

Is anyone seriously arguing polygamy will continue to be illegal? That would seem really incoherent.

The idea that the Constitution never means anything concrete or specific will continue to have implications in lots of fun areas.

If the right is looking for a victory, mentions of gun control sure got dropped pretty quickly.

Key to pronouncing town names in Texas: Think of the most obvious way to pronounce it. You’ve discovered how it’s not pronounced.

E.g., if you saw town called “Manor”, how would you pronounce it? WRONG!

I heard that in the olden days specially chosen people would read omens from animal entrails. It’s like an early Supreme Court.

The idea of inequality is that no matter what riches you get, you can’t enjoy it because someone else has more. And that person is greedy.

It would be neat if we had a constitution that meant concrete things that didn’t change based on who reads it.

Know who I blame? The Founding Fathers. Should have been more clear.

Man I feel smart now for that time Greece asked to borrow $20 from me and I said no.

No country elected math, but math still gets the final say about your spending.

The liberal Supreme Court justices are a bit like the NYT editorial board in that they’re intellectually incoherent and yet very predictable.

In contrast, Chief Justice Roberts is intellectually incoherent and unpredictable.

Now let’s take inventory of who changed their logos to rainbow color and prepare to get judgey of whoever changes back to normal first.

Apple app review process was more stressful than I thought. Theoretically, they can just ding you for anything.

Apple released their main reasons they reject apps. 42% was “other.” Not super helpful.

Anyway, I programmed an app. I also wrote a script for a video series. You’ll see both later this month.

Everyone focusing on microaggressions is allowing me to completely get away with all my nanoaggressions.

Ever tried dumping a bowl of peas on your NYTimes before reading it? Can’t hurt!

“We shoved as many peas as we could into Thomas Friedman’s mouth and now he sounds even smarter! Peas!”

“Instead of sprinkles, try peas on your ice cream. We’re not asking. We have a gun.”

“We buried Paul Krugman in a mountain of peas. He might be dead. We don’t know. Someone please stop us.”

#AskPOTUS What would you ask you?

Canada Day celebrate the first time the U.S. noticed there was this place called Canada above them. It’s happened six more times since.

“It’s like I’m in the U.S., but everything is slightly off in a creepy way. Is this the Twilight Zone?”
“No. Welcome to Canada!”

My 2yo son is really into Danger Mouse on Netflix. I had completely forgotten about that show.

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Random Thoughts: Gun Control and the Confederate Flag

Thursday, June 25, 2015 8:17 am

What is the gun control that keeps a person wanting to commit murder from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns in this country?

I’m sorry, but saying “gun control” in response to a shooting like this make you an unserious person. There’s no logic to it.

It’s about the same as saying, “We need stricter laws against murder!”

I actually don’t see why I should care who is put on what bill. I use a debit card.

Maybe instead of repeating your same gun control arguments you should try reflecting on why most people keep rejecting them.

My 4yo beat me in her first try at Wii Bowling so I don’t feel like much of a father today :(

As soon as they know you have weakness, it’s all over.

Is anyone maintaining Stonehenge? What’s if it’s keeping sealed in an ancient evil?

I also never understood why would you want to fly a flag commemorating people who were whupped by a bunch of dandy Yankees?

New Metroid Prime!”
“Four-player co-op.”

Has any rapper ever tried having a normal name? “Hi, I’m Bob the rapper.” I’d give his music-like recordings a try.

They should make a Spider-man movie that reboots with a second actor halfway through.

Why would you need a Confederate flag for a Civil War reenactment? I don’t remember Captain America or Iron Man using a particular flag.

I know it’s a big controversy, but does Hillary really need to get her Confederate flag tattoo lasered off? It’s pretty faded at her age.

The Confederate flag has become a symbol of people against banning the Confederate flag.

I’ve never actually seen Gone with the Wind. I guess I missed my chance.

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Random Thoughts: Clowns, Dolezal, and Jeb!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015 8:23 am

Can’t wait for October 21st, because then hopefully we’ll stop getting those false “Today is the day Marty McFly went to future” posts.

I just don’t get college these days. It seems like there has to be a lot cheaper ways to become obnoxiously stupid.

Eventually so many things will be declared offensive that only hate mongers will spend any moment of the day not angry about something.

We’re coming up with new things to be offended by at a much quicker rate than we’re retiring old things. This is not sustainable.

What’s a scientific term that refers to whether a majority of a human’s cells contain a Y chromosome?

Someone needs to guy-splain to Vox that they’re a bunch of clowns.

We have a clown culture growing in this country, led by things such as Vox. That’s not acceptable.

Does Twitter need a new CEO? Because I use Twitter.

We need a word that means “non-avian dinosaurs and their marine and flying reptile contemporaries that are all now extinct”.

Race is much more of a social construct than gender. #RachelDolezal

Is it wrong to call people on Twitter idiots when they self-identify as smart?

You ever get this feeling the president ain’t that great at being a leader?

Man, we have some weird gnats to choke on lately.

My 4yo daughter wanted me to wear a cape and save her from a dragon, so I had to lecture her on the damsel in distress trope.

Got an unopened but empty can of Coke in a 24 pack. Did they share it without asking us?
Empty Coke

The Jeb Bush logo reminds me of the Boise public library.

This brand names seems like it’s trying way too hard. You’re friggin’ soap and water, dude.

“The heavens will weep at our bubbles!”

I actually don’t have strong feelings on JEB!!!11!!1!!eleventy!1!! as a candidate.

Show is Game of Thrones show spoiling book 6 now? Or will they wildly diverge now? Or am I foolish to think another book is ever coming?

I thought Oldboy was going to be about a young Gary Oldman, but that wasn’t it at all.

My guess at the end of Game of Thrones would be Daenerys suddenly falling down a staircase and dying.

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Random Thoughts: Metric System and Being Offended

Wednesday, June 10, 2015 7:40 am

I appreciate the metric system as a scientist. I loathe it as a writer.

Community season six finale was one of the all time best. Hope we get a season seven (movie continuation of shows are always weird).

You can favorite your own tweets? This changes everything!

The ultimate goal of Social Justice Warriors is to find a bigot more hateful and closed-minded than themselves.

So Facebook conveniently keeps a tally of how many friends wished you happy birthday. What am I supposed to do with that?

The right bombing the Middle East created ISIS, but the left being insufferable jackasses created the right.

In a free society, there is no question that citizens are allowed to have guns. It’s only debatable whether the government should have any.

Aw, man. Looks like I need to upgrade my computer if I want to play the new Batman game. Stupid next gen.

Went to this really cheap Chinese food restaurant. You couldn’t get sweet & sour; you had to pick one or the other.

My iPad 3 keeps freezing and crashing when downloading or updating apps (perhaps any big downloads). Anyone else experience this?

Yeah, I know I need a new iPad. Those iPad Airs make an iPad 3 look like a clunky iPad 1.

Did Lego Minecraft with my daughter, but hard to tell we followed directions versus putting it together randomly.
Buttercup and Lego Minecraft

Lego Minecraft is basically Lego Legos. It’s Lego Inception.

The NYT’s political commentary could be replaced with “Republicans bad. Democrats good.” written over and over and you’d be just as informed.

I’m so progressive that I’m offended by more things before breakfast than you’ve been offended by all month.

I’m so progressive, I’ve found things in a sensory deprivation chamber to be offended by.

I’m so progressive, that if a tree falls in the woods and on one is there to hear it, I’m still offended.

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