Commenter says he’s been away from IMAO for a while and asked if I’m still dating the IMAO t-shirt babe. Is “no” the honest answer to that? We hang and watch TV a lot; I don’t know if you call that “dating.”

Is it fair that as soon as I hear someone use the word “neocon”, I dismiss him as a kook?

I’m still not sure what a “neocon” is other than it’s something kooks rant about. Kinda like the Jews. Are they Jews?

Thought I was watching news footage of the uniting of the Tea Party factions, but it was the beginning of the move The Warriors.

People a hundred years ago seemed to take their facial hair much more seriously than we do.

I’m a mover & a shaker. Mainly a shaker. Especially of the cat.

Salt ban? Someone needs to start shaking Mayor Bloomberg while screaming in his face and never stop.

If I were president and found out an American city was trying to ban salt, I would sent in troops to stop enforcement.

The best defense against fascism is to keep the government as small as possible.

Anyone for a salt ban should have his American citizenship immediately revoked. A line has to be drawn somewhere.

There are $200 earbuds? Do they make sound by vibrating a diamond?

When Dems are about to get slaughtered in Nov., Kos wants to spend his time taking on Kucinich for being politically unrealistic?

Between Kos and Kucinich, you have the political acumen of a sack of wet mice.

I wonder if they’d sell more leather jackets if they marketed them as a “cow with sleeves.”

I have the voted to pass health care reform but I’m not going to show them to you because I don’t like you.

How many hours have Obama gone on and on about how the time for talk is over?

What did Kirk say when he took the captain’s seat in the new Star Trek move? “The time for Spock is over!”

Something I learned today: There are rich people in Mexico. Apparently, people so rich they can make fun of our rich saying, “That’s not so rich.”

Tiny tupperware containers actually enrage me. My wife has me put away a big pot of leftovers, and all I can find are containers meant to store the unused portion of a ketchup packet. Why do tiny plastic containers exist and why do we have so many of them? Is it for any other reason than to mock me?

If you ever have to fight humans remember that they are vulnerable to fire.

Other ways to kill humans: silver bullets, wooden stake to the heart, decapitation, extreme cold

Despite attacks, Iraq voting turnout was 62%. MTV must have had a really good “Rock the Vote” campaign there.

So what should we spend the huge savings from Obamacare on? I’m going with pixie dust.

If we don’t tell the census our race, what happens? If they don’t know there are lots of white people in Idaho, will that affect mayo supplies?

If Jim from the Office is going to play Captain America, then Dwight should be the Red Skull.

The director of Captain America is going to have to roll up a newspaper and whap Krasinski every time he mugs to the camera.

Won’t the Red Skull be angry when he sits down to write out his evil plans and finds his stapler in jello?

I don’t see a problem with the government keeping a database of our name, DOB, hair color, eye color, DNA, and darkest fears.

They warn about Tea Party violence, but if you disagree with liberals they’ll approach you in the shower and poke you.

Last time I was in Canada I was all creeped out how it was very like the U.S. but not quite the same. Uncanny valley.

Would be awesome if after Obama says, “The time for talk is over!” the crowd shouted in unison, “Then shut up!”

Democrats seem set on ruining our fun in November by not even trying to be competitive.

We’re making fun of Reid now, but when he loses his job we will treat that as very good news.

I have no idea who Justin Bieber is, but I’m pretty sure if I did I’d hate him.

The Predator aliens are hard to permanently injure or kill because of their universal health care.

NBC Thursday night comedies are all made of win, but I think my favorite right now is Community.

New conspiracy theory: All these recent violent attacks from registered Democrats are tests for Obama’s new secret police!

Paul Krugman has to be one of the most hackish political pundits out there.

Ebert is really smart about movies, but his IQ drops about 50 points when politics comes up. I’ve never seen any political wisdom from Ebert that didn’t just look like something he just read off of Kos.

Why does David Brooks exist? What is his purpose?

I hate science. No, wait, I like science. I hate blue pens.

You think the head of police in Vegas often goes in casinos saying, “I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling going on in here!”?

I think Robin Williams does his best work when the director tells him, “Try to do anything funny, and I will beat you with a hammer!”

There should be some sort of law against a movie title like Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

Or maybe all titles should be like that. “Star Trek III: Based on the Novel Search for Spock by Sapphire”.

I like Hollywood’s new novel awareness policy.

I like how Hollywood thinks they’re better than us and is the last industry left that constantly racially discriminates in hiring. Plus, lots of child labor.

Twilight is a horror movie? Only thing it made me scared for was our nation’s youth.

Aw, man, I thought it was going to be a tribute to “whore” movies. Where’s my Pretty Woman?

I got a headache from just reading about the move Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Hopefully people will learn to next time wipe out the Na’vi much more quietly.

I don’t like James Cameron, but he’s getting us closer to replacing all the pretentious actors with computer images.

Movie pitch: Sniper kills seemingly random Hollywood stars so that the tribute during the Oscars has an encoded message.

The Oscars would be more exciting if the losing movies for best picture were burned and never shown again.

Hollywood should get over Vietnam. We won that war fair and square.

My Marine brother said the Hurt Locker was like they followed him around Iraq with a camera and then threw all that footage out and made another movie.

I wonder if people would have been for getting into WWII if they knew we’d still stuck in Germany and Japan in 2010?

I don’t know anything about movie editing other than it wasn’t enough to save the mess at the end of the Phantom Menace.

My Oscar speech: “I don’t need you to tell me I’m awesome.” Then I drop it on the stage and walk off. While I’m imagining my Oscar speech, I might as well add I’ll be riding a unicorn.

Can’t Science! create a roll of toilet paper that can be pulled both ways?

Note to cliché users: We currently CAN’T go to the moon, so neither can we necessarily handle the smaller problem you’re thinking of.

There should be a penalty for too much smugness where you get deducted one Oscar.

I like how Oscar nominations are abbreviated as “noms”. nom nom nom

Jeff Bridges did the Big Lebowski in 1998 and apparently still hasn’t broken character.

Finally. Sandra Bullock was robbed for Demolition Man.

Kathryn Bigelow, female… I don’t know where I’m going with that.

Great for Bigelow. There’s an obscure martial art that involves wielding two Oscars.

Bigelow should have pointed at Cameron and shouted, “World’s mine now, bitch!”

“The Amazing Race” kinda sounds like the name of a Nazi propaganda film.

If James Cameron had been a better husband, those Oscars would have been his by marriage.

Next Oscar milestone is for a homeless director to win.

It’s Hollywood’s racist hiring policies that keep Samuel L. Jackson from the role he was born to play: Benjamin @#$%ing Franklin.

Harper Collins has announced that Sarah Palin will write a new book about forbidden love with sparkling vampires.

Sarah Palin to star in new TV series as a governor by day, international spy by night, and frenzied mom in between.

I won’t trust they’re doctors just because they have white jackets. They need round reflector things on their heads too.

Maybe next photo op Obama should have some of the doctors wear surgical masks so they look extra serious.

It doesn’t seem right that one guy resigning the Supreme Court at the wrong time could basically destroy everything. Thought much of the Supreme Court seem arbitrary, at least it’s not arbitrary in a way that favors one side or the other.

I think the leaked RNC memo is just another reminder not to trust any politicians.

If Republicans win big in November, our attitude towards them should be like parole officers.

If Obama doesn’t get his health care bill passed before the end of March, he turns back into a pumpkin.

Are there really people out there so dumb that they’re going to support Obama because people with white coats are standing behind him? And don’t those dumb people already support Obama?

If terrorists dressed a grizzly bear in a lab coat, it would easily be able to attack the president from behind during a photo-op.

So is a lab coat from practical purposes or is it a status symbol?

I’ve use a lab coat in my job before, but it was light blue so I don’t know if that makes me as smart as others.

Kids these days, with their music and their clothing.

Obama makes me really look forward to our second black president since he/she won’t be Obama.

I don’t know if Palin is going to go back into politics, but she is definitely going to continue to be very rich.

I think it would be cool to have a renegade president who doesn’t play by the rules. Then again, Nixon was forced out of office.

Come to think of it, the presidency really should come with a badge and a gun.

“That’s it, Obama! You’ve gone too far with this health care nonsense! I’m taking away your gun and badge!”

I bet Obama gets most of his bills passed after he loses his badge.

I’m just kidding; evidence shows he’s not an effective politician regardless of the circumstances.

If a clown scares you, just ask it to hide its horrible visage behind a hockey mask.

I like using “Democrat” as an adjective.

Watching Leno and wondering how it gets that reddish purple color. No, wait, I’m watching a turnip.

Before cable, was everyone just unable to watch most Olympic events?

If there were mascots like Admiral Ackbar when I was a kid, I would have been more interested in sports.

The first clue of danger is that it’s called the “killer” whale and not the “hugging” whale. Also fear the “humpback” whale.

I don’t know what a “beluga” whale does and I don’t want to know. I don’t even want to mention Moby Dick’s species.

Democrats believe they need to pass a health care bill to allow the mothership hiding behind the comet to take their souls.

Once we really understand man-made global warming, maybe we can use it as a weapon against enemy planets.

You don’t even have to leave the solar system before light becomes too slow for any practical purposes. How would you like it to take hours for your tweets to appear? That’s what tweeting from Pluto would be like.

“Middle of the 11th end of an exciting game and… let’s break for commercial!” Hate NBC. I hope they choke on their Leno.

“Voltron” is not an acceptable Scrabble word? That sucks.

Crazy pants gets you silver.

Many liberals seem go on a lot about how conservatives can’t be funny, which ironically makes them seem very angry and humorless.

Chimps are funny. Are they trying to assert that chimps are liberals?

I think chimps are liberals. I do want to punch them.

I just thought of a way to way to make people invisible: super heat them until they become a gas.

Woo! Who knew hockey could be as exciting as curling?!

Can’t feel too bad about losing to Canada at hockey; they were just the better team. Hard to imagine us ever beating them.

Democrats are a lot like sparkly vampires in that a lot of women like them but they just confuse and irritate most men.

Did someone say dead sister’s teeth? Pass Obamacare now!

Wait? Obama is president? I thought it was still Bush! Confused!

I am not sure whether to hand over health care to a clearly incompetent government. Need more anecdotes involving dead sister’s teeth.

Will health care reform mean we’ll finally have medical treatments to stop vampires from sparkling?

Ow! Dead sister’s teeth bit me!

The more people see congress arguing, the more they’ll realize they should be put in charge of as little as possible.

Kinda sounds like Obama put extra lotion on his hands in preparation for taking his gloves off.

Will be weird if the gold medal match in curling is between the Swiss and the Swedes because half the time I think they’re the same people.

So when will my health care be free? Will it include dental?

Odds are this is the first time this sentence has been written in all of human history.

I one day hope to be able to produce an applicable Bible quote to any situation as easily as I can an applicable Simpsons quote.

Just thought of a nickname for terrorist Tony Almeida from last season of 24: “Tony al Qaeda”. So obvious! But too late.

If when you die Teddy Kennedy offers you a ride to Heaven, I wouldn’t take it.

I don’t remember lingerie models feeling the need to start drug cartels during the Bush administration.

Before man discovered fire, how did they kill zombies?

When Obama is voted out, do you think liberals will propose we replace democracy with Science!?

Laymen often belittle Science!, even while shooting a monkey-cyborg in the face with a laser.

It was a horrific scene. Dead polar bears lying in their own blood all over the Arctic. They were viciously murdered, but by whom? “What’s the evidence?” Detective Ian Competent asked.

“It was pretty brutal,” Officer Johnson said. “They were all viciously murdered. Some were even strangled with their own intestines. And no evidence of who did it… besides a note left on the scene that says, ‘I, Donald Rumsfeld, killed all these polar bears because I was bored.’”

“Baffling,” the detective said, looking over the scene. “We’ll have to bring in a scientist to help find out what happened.”

A man in a white lab coat hurried over to them. “It is I, Professor Science!, here to use Science! to answer any questions you may have!”

“So can you figure out what killed these polar bears?” the detective asked.

“Science! can determine the answer to any question! Observe!” Professor Science! took out a beaker containing a clear liquid and a test tube holding another clear liquid. “See. Both these liquids are clear. But look what happens when I combine them.” Professor Science! poured the test tube into the beaker, and the liquid turned purple.

“It’s magic!” Officer Johnson exclaimed, shaking in fear.

“No! It is Science!” Professor Science! exclaimed. “By pouring one chemical into the other, I have caused them to combine into a new molecule that reflects light differently, thus the change in color!”

“But what does it mean?” the detective demanded.

“Don’t rush it; give Science! time to settle!” Professor Science! stared long and hard at the liquid. “What the Science! is telling me is… Global Warming killed the polar bears!”

“I knew it!” the detective shouted. He turned to Officer Johnson. “Round up anyone who is emitting carbon and send them to federal prison!”

“Don’t they need trials first?” Officer Johnson asked.

“Not when Science! has already told us their guilt,” the detective answered.

“The work of Science! is done here!” Professor Science! hurried off, his white lab coat fluttering behind him.

If the solution to our problems is a jobs bill, why wait over a year and until your supermajority is gone to pass it?

I tried to set the Thompsons straight on curling, and Jeri read the e-mail I sent on their radio show, but I don’t think I succeeded.

Best of the Web makes a good point: Is Reid threatening to abuse his wife if he loses his Senate seat?

It’s pretty powerful to see an immigrant from Kazakhstan working night delivery at 7/11 be so ecstatic at how he’s living the American dream.

Mass Effect 2 was one of the best games I’ve ever played. Have to play Mass Effect 1 and import your save to get the full effect, though.

You’ll all stop claiming global warming is imaginary when the last of the unicorns dies.

Canada whupped us soundly at curling. Now what happens if Canada takes up hockey and gets serious at that?

The Chinese could get good at curling. There might even be people in that country named “Cur Ling.”

It’s like we angered the curling gods or something.

I’d hate to be miked while playing curling; don’t know if I could keep my mind on the game if I had to keep remembering not to say ethnic slurs.

I worry that in the future Olympic coverage will get so PC they won’t assume we want to watch the Americans compete.

Wow. A pointless curling game officially holds more interest to me than 24. Well, 24 comes every year.

I pity any of you who never knew pre-TV Glenn Beck.

From my experience, Glenn Beck is hugely entertaining whenever he isn’t taking himself too seriously.

I ragged on Beck years ago. Now it’s the popular thing, so I’m going to stop. I’m a conservative; I hate what the cool kids are doing.

Shuster after last shot: “I’m sick of this stupid game.” Well I’m more into it than ever.

Just a couple of inches difference in those first four games and we’d be readying for the semifinals. Curling is a harsh mistress.

They should do a reality show following Shuster and team after this Olympics competition.

So should I watch US curling today or guzzle antifreeze? Antifreeze is sweet…

CPAC does sound like a lot of fun, but it’s every year and curling is once every four.

Yay! Obama has cleared all the Bush administration of any wrong doing on torture! I guess all the left whining was about nothing.

Dad watching women’s curling: “They need another sport that involves dusting.”

Glenn Beck isn’t going on and on about liberty again? I’m getting tired of hearing about that. And freedom.

Curling: Come for the irony of being a fan, stay for the intense last shots.

Can you wear masks in curling? I think next Olympics our curling team should wear masks to be more mysterious.

When are we going to fully fund our curlers and show we’re a country to be taken seriously?

Wow, Ron Paul supporters haven’t gotten anymore self-aware since last time I shook that hornets nest.

Who is this “Lou Essay” player everyone keeps rooting for?

Q. What do you say after it takes you a second to remember what country is north of the United States? A. “Oh, Canada.”

It’s hard going from curling to hockey. Where’s the intense strategizing?

Know what would be a good name for a Canadian brothel? “Ho Canada.”

Curling is a sport. Ice dancing is not a sport unless one of the pair is a celebrity.

The Olympics should have some sort of competition that involves homemade rocket sleds.

Commenter to my PJM article mentions that Palin has been bought by people with “very large noses.” Clowns?

Anytime I use IE, I feel like I’m back to websurfing in the 90s.

“Yes, the economy is not better in any noticeable way, but look at this chart!”

I don’t remember us having all this trouble with curling when Bush was president.

So are we having a spate of left-wing violence? I would have thought an Obama win would make them less hateful and crazy. Of course, I easily see now why I was so wrong about that. Even I was susceptible to hopey changey nonsense, apparently.

Americans are smart; they’re getting all their curling losses out of the way so now they can focus just on winning.

It would really shake up male figure skating if they added a “masculinity” score.

Of course, you’d max out that score by not being in figure skating.

Not great start to USA curling, but you know as they say: “Each day the ice is made anew.”

I don’t know if they say that; I made that up.

So if I understood Lost correctly, the people on the island are really just cyborgs programmed with memories of the real people.

I think the first two days of curling was a failure of leadership. President Obama better get his act together.

Curling is like chess, but where each move in chess takes skill and teamwork. So like Wizard’s Chess.

Our enemies are going to stop calling us the “Great Satan” because a “Great” Satan would be much better at curling.

If a robot bites you, you become one

If a puppy bites you, you become one.

If the CEO of a Fortune 500 company bites you, you become one.

One advantage of making Palin president is we can’t start blaming everything liberals are currently for on misogyny.

Carpe diem, people! You can’t spend your whole life fearing a mummy’s curse.

Barack Obama doesn’t care about curling people.

People who make fun of curling are sociopaths who should be locked away from normal society.

Q. What’s better than watching curling in HD? A. Nothing in this universe.

I have one thing to say about the German curling team: Nazi bastards!

Liberals react to the Tea Party like the monkeys did to the obelisk in 2001: fearful, angry, and unlikely to ever understand it.

“They stole the election!” “They committed war crimes!” If the right believed stuff like that, they’d do more than whine about it endlessly.

Liberals are in constant fear that Dick Cheney is still out there and has easy access to water.

I predict that one hundred years from now we’ll still be ten years away from environmental doomsday.

The Medieval Warming Period doesn’t disprove man-made global warming because that was caused by all the dragons burning stuff.

Yes, I believe in dragon-made global warming.

Gold Box deal on Amazon yesterday was a blu-ray/VHS player. It’s like a car with connections so it can still be pulled by horses.

At this rate, we’ll defeat all the Democrats in the Senate before we even get to November.

Looking good for Republicans in November. Have to weigh odds of them screwing up versus odds of Democrats screwing up even more.

There is very little a Senator does you couldn’t train a German Shepherd to do.

Being a good Senator is hard, but being a mediocre one is the definition of unskilled labor.

When do we start discussing whether Barack Obama’s intemperate rhetoric is causing left-wing violence?

I’m just kidding; Obama couldn’t lead anyone to do anything.

I’m kinda fearing huge gains in November for Republicans because I don’t think they’ve learned their lesson yet.

Wish we could set it up so that when the Republicans are sucking, we could vote Libertarian. Need to plot how to replace Democrats with them.

The reason Republicans suck is the Democrats are such colossal failures that the bar is set too low.

Once again I would like to state how glad I am that Dick Cheney is still in charge of our foreign policy.

I have to say, since Obama has become president, I’m more suspicious of criticism by other countries of America being racist.

Hope they don’t pour water on the face of the Taliban leader, because that will make me cry like an Indian chief witnessing littering.

I’m glad Canada got a gold medal; it’s almost like they’re a real country now.

There are two types of Winter Olympic sports: Curling and crap I don’t watch.

Oh, I guess there’s a third: Stuff with guns in it.

Someone once asked me what are the rules to curling. There are none. It’s pure chaos with brooms.

Curling is a sport where women are actually at an advantage since they’re more used to sweeping.

You may think I’m overhyping curling, but that is not possible.

Let’s put it this way, if you don’t like curling, I want to see your birth certificate to prove you’re an American citizen.

Did you like Miracle on Ice? Imagine ten times that excitement every match. That’s curling.

Curling is fun for the whole family — if you’re a family of rabid grizzly bears! It’s that badass!

I can’t take We Are the World seriously. It’s just over indulgent treacle for all the stars involved and looks like a parody.

Nike is branching out and releasing its own brand of laxatives. Slogan: “Just poo it.”

They should add guns events other than skiing. Think how challenging it would be to hit targets after spinning around in figure skating.

“Oooooh Canada… You’re kinda just there…”

Canada is great if you’re not quite ready to be an American and need training wheels.

So is the Winter Olympics the elitist Olympics, since lots of poor countries don’t have snowy winters?

I’m sorry, but country names shouldn’t have an “and” in them. Be one or the other.

Maybe France and Germany can combine into one country called France and Germany.

Finland sounds like it should be the birthplace of Aquaman.

Shouldn’t by now they’ve changed the name of “Great Britain” to “Britain.”

Israel is who I root for after America since them winning pisses off the most people. That’s what competitive sports is about.

That’s kinda cool that Canada is openly going for the largest medal count. I’m proud of our little brother.

How much do I have to donate to never be subjected to that We Are the World song again?

You’d think that any competition involving guns would be dominated by Americans, since it has to be a headache to practice elsewhere.

I love it when the Olympics is basically, “Believe me; some people would find this exciting.”

The proper way to greet a luge competitor is to use your hand to make an ‘L’ on your forehead and then shout, “Luuuuuuger!”

They have a documentary of Biden’s motorcade. It’s called Death Race 2000.

“Snuck” is not a real word?

Palin demonstrates a rule I noticed also with Bush: The dumber someone is, the more convinced he is that his political opponents are stupid.

Dismissing everyone opposed to you as stupid or evil is a strategy that just leads to screaming and whining. It’s a toddler’s strategy.

If something is controversial based on whether Kos Kids shriek and shake their cages, then basic American principle are controversial.

I’m a classical liberal; I hold to the unfortunately still radical notion of individual liberty.

Has anyone checked the laws to see whether we can run a nameless Republican in a Mexican wrestler’s mask? Polls show he’d win.

Weird seeing Kos Kids belittling Broder saying Palin should be taken seriously. She commands more attention than that fringe group.

I believe in global warming, but it usually seems to happen in the summer.

I wish Pandora had a “funkier” button.

Not screwing up the progress Bush made in Iraq probably will be Obama’s greatest accomplishment.

I know we have a contract until 2012, but do you think Obama could be replaced with Leno?

I’m a well-wisher of Bill Clinton in that I don’t wish him any specific harm.

Ahh, the good old days when a Democrat president was just an embarrassment but not a complete screw up.

I wish Bill Clinton a recovery as well, but I have no preference on whether it’s speedy or not.

The worst terrorist attack imaginable would be one on children… unless they’re fat kids. Then that helps us.

I’m not saying fat kids are less than human; the problem is that they’re more than human. Much much more.

I hope someone does some ambush journalism on fat kids asking them the question on everyone’s lips: “Why are you so fat?!”

Buzz is awesome! (buzz is the hipster nickname I gave honey; mmm, honey is sweet)

I’m so badass I once gunned down a tree in cold blood.

Today’s music isn’t nearly funky enough.

Our kids are too fat, but our beat aren’t nearly phat enough.

Starbuck’s hillbilly boyfriend is very competitive for most boring, pointless 24 subplot ever.

Saw District 9 and it was kind of nice to see white and black South Africans being discriminatory together.

The Palin notes on her hand incident really demonstrated that the left are still quite sensitive about teleprompter jokes.

Wrote a song: “Notes on your hand. Notes on your hand. Lookin’ like a fool with notes on your hand. Rimless glasses. Big moose rifle. Lookin’ like a fool with notes on your hand.”

Psychics like Palin because she’s easy to palm read.

On Spanish version sites, do you collect amigos instead of friends because I’d rather have amigos.

Palin writing notes on her hand proves she would be dangerous were she in power.

If the note said, “Set fire to homeless shelter”, that would be an issue, but who forgets that sort of thing?

It would be funny if it said, “Buy more notepads.”

Cons: Libs are patronizing douches who want to take away all your freedoms. Libs: Cons write stuff on their hands.

I didn’t see the Palin speech, but if that’s all the left has to criticize about her I can assume it went awesome. I mean, they couldn’t even twist something she said into being racist? It’s like liberals have just given up.

Doesn’t the notes on the hand thing just prove that Palin can read and write?

The note on Obama’s hand says, “Read teleprompter.”

R.I.P. John Murtha. The Republicans never got him.

The more libs whine about people making fun of Obama using the teleprompter, the more everyone is going to keep it up. Or do liberals expect conservatives to follow their example in how they never seize on unfair jokes?

“And then Jesus comes back from the dead three days later.”
“Hey! Spoiler warning! I was planning on reading the Bible!”

The only notes I have on my hands is a big ‘R’ on one and a big ‘L’ on the other. That’s been unbelievably helpful.

Obama once wrote notes for himself on the inside of a bucket, and when he tried to read them back, it ended predictably.