Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: Obama, FOX News, and Robocop

Tuesday, July 22, 2014 9:00 am

Read through the 1st pass for the layout of my Punch Your Inner Hippie book. You guys are so lucky you’re going to get to read it.

We need like a leader of the free world.

Maybe if we were a better country Obama would be more interested in helping us.

Is “Money good” a mission or a vision statement?

People should be less angry at FOX News and more angry and the horribly biased left-wing news that spawned it from necessity.

Where do I go to protest if I don’t think enough of Hamas is being killed?

You watch the original Robocop movie, you think, “Wow. They were pretty optimistic about the future of Detroit.”

What corporation would buy Detroit now? Not even Yahoo would buy it.

If you’re wondering what president’s up to, I’m friends with him on Facebook and it’s just constant requests for more lives on Candy Crush.

I thought that Robocop joke had to have been done before, which is a sign of either a really good joke or that you stole it.

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Random Thoughts: Indie Fiction, Grammar, and Suffragettes

Monday, July 21, 2014 9:00 am

For clarity, indie fiction isn’t fiction about Indiana Jones. Don’t have the rights to him. Plus, property a bit damaged after fridge nuking.

I guess indie fiction is fiction by those who aren’t established authors. I guess I’m kinda an established author, but not in fiction.

If you’ve read my non-fiction books, basically everything is made up in those because I hate research, but still not technically fiction.

Superego will be my first fiction book (and first book from Liberty Island) — first book where I acknowledge everything is made up.

I always have fewer respect for anyone who uses improper grammar.

What if modern feminists could go back in time and tell suffragettes about the plight of having to pay for own $10 abortion pill.

If anyone else says humans use only 10% of their brains, Science! will hit you with a meteor.

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Random Thoughts: Girl-Thor, Ukraine, and Palestinians

Friday, July 18, 2014 9:00 am

Imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever. But that face has government-guaranteed health care. #ProgressiveUtopia

So how much will the new Thor get paid by the Avengers versus what they paid the previous one?

I’m a regular Houdini when it comes to Chinese finger traps.

“Anyone think Obama was a bit hyped in 2008? Not saying I regret my vote, but I’m pretty disappointed.” -Biden, probably

“Mr. President, a passenger plane was shot down over Ukraine.”
“That’s awful! Was anyone on it supposed to attend one of my fundraisers?”

To make things even more progressive, girl-Thor and black Captain America are going to gay marry each other.

Q. What do you call a zucchini that grows underwater?
A. Aquarium-cchini!

People understand big comic book change ups are temporary, right? The only thing more unstoppable in comics than Superman is status quo.

Remember when Dick Grayson was Batman for like two years? No. We already forgot that.

“We will successfully land a rocket on Israel and bring no one back alive.” -Palestinian JFK

We Americans aren’t as tough as we used to be, but still most kids can build basic wood cabin and survive for days in the wilds of Minecraft.

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Random Thoughts: Derringers!

Thursday, July 17, 2014 9:00 am

The 5 most dangerous letters in my first name:
1. F
2. k
3. n
4. r
5. Derringers

Don’t tell Rolling Stone, but I’m designing a new, high-capacity Derringer. THREE shots.

Wonder if we’ll see a Derringer resurgence, appearing in the inner city instead of just in disputes over poker in saloons.

The genius of the article was after the first 4, you’re like, “What guns are left?” but Rolling Stone found one more you weren’t expecting.

Palestinians just want to launch rockets at Israel in peace.

I remember way back in 2002, one of my very first blog posts was making fun of Arafat. He’s dead now. I get results.

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘Did he fire two shots or only one?’ Being this is a Derringer, the 5th deadliest gun…”

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Random Thoughts: Nuclear Weapons, Girl-Thor, and Most Dangerous Guns

Wednesday, July 16, 2014 9:00 am

I think I’m going to go by the Twitter rule that if you don’t have anything funny to say, then don’t say anything at all.
…D’oh!

If we got rid of all of our nuclear weapons, then what would we do if we needed to nuke something? Seems shortsighted.

But what do Vikings think of girl Thor?

I guess I’m really out of it; I know almost none of the songs from Weird Al’s latest polka medley.

I have to give to Rolling Stone for having a headline “5 most dangerous guns” and the article being far dumber than one could imagine.

In an era of tired stupidity on guns, Rolling Stone hit us with brand new, almost brilliant stupidity. Bravo.

Apparently gun control is so unpopular that the only ones left pushing for it are the ones not sure what a gun is.

If you think girl-Thor is going to blow people’s minds, I got a great idea: cat-Wolverine. Wolverine is now a cat. Let’s talk, Marvel.

Why is making Thor a girl a big deal? They once made him a frog. A male frog, though.

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Random Thoughts: Israel, Errors, and Superman

Tuesday, July 15, 2014 9:00 am

Maybe they honestly thought Israel liked having rockets fired at them.

“No no no. We’re the Manson Family political wing.”

Good rule of debugging: A really esoteric sounding compiler error usually means a really simple mistake.

I remember when C compilers used to spit out the most complex sounding errors if you ever forgot a semicolon on a line.

You only have until Friday to give to the Liberty Island PubSlush campaign and get rewards (like my novel).

Originally, Superman worked at a newspaper so he could hear about things as they happened. Nowadays, he’d just be a dork on Twitter.

Just saying the name “Jack Bauer” renders lesser terrorists unconscious.

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Random Thoughts: Israel, Minecraft, and World Cup

Monday, July 14, 2014 9:00 am

I’m guessing hearing about the GOP Convention was the tipping point for LeBron.

People are firing missiles into Israel and there is some sort of debate whether to murder the crap out of those people? I don’t get that.

If people are firing missiles into your country, it’s irresponsible to not murder the crap out of them.

Minecraft for iOS finally got the infinite worlds update. I had no interest in it without that.

I bought Minecraft for PC back when it was in alpha. Tell today’s kids that and they’ll act like you worked on the Apollo missions.

Once on a plane I sat next to a guy who worked on the Apollo missions (the unused escape system). That was awesome.

If Palestinians hunted down and murdered the crap out of people firing rockets at Israel, Israel wouldn’t have to.

What’s the best case scenario the guys firing rockets at Israel are hoping for? They’ll hit weak spot and it’ll blow up like the Death Star?

Finally listened to the song “MacArthur Park.” It is unbelievably awful. Could only get through two instances of the chorus.

I don’t care how long they took to bake it; I could not take it.

How in the world did that hit number 2 in the late 60s? Drugs doesn’t even explain it.

I just can’t imagine any state of mind where I could take that song seriously.

Wait, the guy singing that awful MacArthur Park song is Dumbledore? Man, that song baffles me on so many levels.

We’re to the best teams of the World Cup, so we’re now watching the very best players not score goals.

That was the last game of the World Cup? But I wasn’t done making fun of soccer!

Whoops. I got kickboxing confused with box-kicking. I’m a champion box-kicker.

Realized I need to hunt down original edition of Star Wars movies before daughter old enough to watch them or she’ll never hear “Yub Nub.”

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Random Thoughts: Perry, Coolness, and Vox

Friday, July 11, 2014 10:01 am

If the job of the president is to help make jobs and secure the border, is Rick Perry more our president than Obama?

Don’t listen to kids who tell you if you smoke marijuana or if you impeach Obama you’ll be cool.

“I’m a hyper-partisan liberal with the intelligence of a ferret; perhaps Vox can explain this to me!”

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Random Thoughts: Compassion and Outrage

Thursday, July 10, 2014 9:00 am

The compassionate thing to do would be for the government to adopt all those kids at the border and put them in a super soldier program.

I’d like to join in the outrage, but I’m kinda done pointing out Obama is not a very good president. Nothing left to say.

“I’m not interested in making plausible statements.”

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Random Thoughts: Progressive and Germany Versus Brazil

Wednesday, July 9, 2014 9:00 am

The council shall be called in the Land of Cleve.

Have we ever considered just not having a president? He might be more trouble than he’s worth.

I’m glad the World Cup is over.

I’m a bit confused: Is “progressive” a euphemism for “liberal” or for “fascist”?

I’m possibly a liberal. Don’t think I’m a progressive. At least not in the direction most progressives want to go.

I guess the U.S. really did deserve to move on for losing to Germany by only one goal.

Starting to finally look like an American football score.

I really hadn’t been paying attention to the World Cup; so had Brazil successfully won a soccer game before?

Germany is only one touchdown ahead with 12 minutes left. Could be anyone’s game.

If you see a German smiling, you know something awful is happening.

Brazil’s seeker better catch the Golden Snitch soon.

Scoring that goal was a big mistake. Now they just made the Germans angry.

I hope we all learned from Brazil the dangers of caring about soccer.

Hopefully Brazil will wake up tomorrow and this was all just a horrible dream.

Scientists predicted that global warming could lead to lopsided German victories at soccer.

Can you buy Kindle books from Costco? Otherwise, don’t care.

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Random Thoughts: Mr. T, Hillary Book, and Community

Tuesday, July 8, 2014 9:00 am

In my slash fiction, DOS and Linux both use the same slash for moving through their directory structures.

Will someone please explain to us what sort of border laws we’re allowed to have and to expect people to obey?

My three year old daughter has banned me from doing a Mr. T impersonation :(

I didn’t know she had that authority.

It’s just that anytime I see 1yo drinking milk, can’t help but say in Mr. T voice, “Stay in school! Don’t do drugs! Drink your milk!”

The one year old finds that hilarious.

No one reading the Hillary book. Out a month, and someone just noticed it’s “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over and over.

You need guns to enforce a gun ban. Makes you think.

With the amount of regulations on businesses, you’d think they were one of the most dangerous threats to our country.

Hard to believe this Yahoo resurrecting Community thing. Giving show same budget NBC did. How does Yahoo even still have money?

Not to look a gift horse in the mouth; it’s just so unexpected. BTW, when Community returns, everyone watch it. EVERYONE!

24 has gotten me thinking: If ended up in a war with China, who would build our… everything?

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Random Thoughts: Freedom, Humor, and Independence Day

Monday, July 7, 2014 9:00 am

Problem of our freedom solutions to the Hobby Lobby decision is the presumption that imposing the state on religious beliefs isn’t the goal.

I’d care so much less about politics if we just made it harder to vote away my freedoms.

I wish we had a more honest debate where the people against individual freedom came out and said so instead of trying to redefine freedom.

We’re trying to come up with “live and let live” solutions for people who don’t want to live and let live.

I’m sounding too righteous. I’m boring myself.

If at this point you still believe Obama has any idea how to create jobs, there is no help for you.

If we’re not going to advance in space any time soon, can we at least work on making battlemechs?

This has to be the best optical illusion I’ve seen. Figures in both pictures are exactly the same color and shading.

Wasn’t able to convince my brain of that. Had to prove it with photoshop.

Previously, I always thought this was the best optical illusion, where squares A and B are actually same color.

I mean “best” in that no matter how hard I stare at them, I can’t convince my brain the truth of the matter.

Did you know that Israel was founded by the Koch brothers?

These sort of articles always seem to be rooted in huge amount of insecurity.

I wrote an article on why the left can’t be funny. It’s stupid, but still less stupid than what Kevin Drum wrote.

I think the left have trouble with right-wing humor because we’re laughing at them and that’s never fun.

If they actually could laugh at themselves, they might like it, but for too many on the left, their politics is super serial, you guys.

Asserting that the left takes politics less seriously than the right should disqualify you from commenting on anything else ever again.

Why it’s just so absurd to me is I’ve long done a parody of extreme right to a mainly right-wing audience.

The right are very receptive to laughing at their own politics if they feel you’re laughing with.

Extreme partisans on either side tend to be humorless, though.

But part of being a conservative is having many things in your life much more important than politics.

Gah. I’m doing too many lectures these days. I want to punch myself.

The left and right agree at least half of politicians are pretty awful; shouldn’t that lead to both sides wanting less powerful government?

If global warming is real, then how come it’s made up?

Happy Independence Day! Also know as WHAT THE %#@& IS GOING ON?!! Day to dogs.

Worth noting this country wasn’t founded because the British were failing to supply entitlements.

“The government won’t force my employer to give me the birth control I want? Revolution!”

“The government won’t enact common sense gun control? Time to take up arms and overthrow it!”

Your liberty was hard won with much blood and sacrifice. Don’t trade it for baubles.

Remember, the worst thing you can do for a scared dog is coddle it. Shout “Tough it out!” just like you would for your scared child.

Why don’t the British ever just ask Americans how to pronounce words correctly?

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Random Thoughts: Feminism, Redskins, and Transformers

Thursday, July 3, 2014 9:00 am

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t get why women can’t make us sandwiches before heading off to their feminist meetings.

State of gun rights fight: Weak request not to bring guns into store now “big win” for gun control.

When Obama puts “President” on his resume and applies for his next job, he’s going to really hope no one actually calls his references.

How about Washington keep the Redskins name but change their mascot to someone with first degree burns.

So, we didn’t win at soccer, but we should console ourselves with the fact that it’s a really really stupid sport.

So are we all prepared for the baby boom now that birth control has been outlawed?

We really need simple kids books explaining what is and isn’t freedom. Also one illustrating TANSTAAFL.

“My rights have been violated because I can’t force my employer to pay for Plan B!” We need to teach our children better.

“Because some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like plot or coherency. Some men just want to watch a Transformers movie.”

Not to disrespect Tim Howard, but wouldn’t soccer be 100x more exciting without goalies? Would’ve lost like 18-5 against Belgium, though.

It’s very hard these days to tell who really cares about civil rights and who only really cares about self-back-patting.

I think the average American is just confused on whether it’s wrong to have a border policy in general and to expect people to obey it.

I don’t care how many followers this will lose me: I think racism is wrong.

If you’re trying to save characters on twitter, another word for “semiautomatic gun” is “gun.”

Make sure to support Liberty Island and get my first novel when it comes out.

A lot of you people who think you’re oppressed are really just very whiny.

“Quit whining.” -the entirety of my inauguration speech as president #FrankJ2016

If a large number of population can’t even name the current president or recognize his face, then you have a great president. #FrankJ2016

Since both people for and against the Hobby Lobby decision are saying, “Birth control is not your boss’s business!” someone must be confused

Could Facebook revealing they’ve been doing a mood experiment be part of the mood experiment?

As for the games tomorrow, I don’t think you’re allowed to watch soccer on Independence Day.

I guess I’m a feminist, because I support a cheerleader’s right to hunt big game animals.

We get all angry when a human murders an animal, but did you know that most animal murder is a result of animal on animal violence?

I’ve never seen everyone outraged when a man poses next to dead lion. Only outrage when it’s an attractive woman. #mysogyny

The Jerk Store called; they’re no longer hiring because of fear of Obamacare mandates.

Transformers sequels are a failure of the free market. We need a law that if your movie is stupid nonsense, it can’t be longer than 90min.

I’m mainly a libertarian, but I’m not comfortable with my neighbor having a nuclear weapon or anymore Transformer movies.

The left is afraid religious will force their views on everyone because that’s exactly what the left does when they have any amount of power.

I’m always trying to boycott Hobby Lobby, but my wife keeps dragging me in there.

This is a fun logic game and I guess you learn geometry.

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Random Thoughts: Feminists, Soccer, and Belgium

Wednesday, July 2, 2014 9:00 am

Waffles. Chocolate. There; I’ve exhausted my knowledge of Belgium.

How is Viagra analogous to a morning after pill?

“One half of this feminist lecture will be on not seeing women as sex objects and the other on what’s needed to enable female promiscuity.”

The people who ridicule soccer the most are the ones who tried giving it a shot and ended up even more confused why anyone would watch that.

“You can’t beat me. Lex. I’m Supergirl; bullets and bombs don’t harm me.”
“I’ve removed Plan B from your health insurance.”
“I’m powerless!”

If a woman can’t make her employer pay for Plan B pills, what rights does she have left other than all of them?

For the next game, the players should do laps around the field for 90 min and then do a shootout. Same result, but less risk of injury.

“The only winning move is not to play.” -thermonuclear war, soccer

I beat level 500 of Candy Crush. I feel like that should come with fanfare instead of the feeling of existential despair.

We’re paying attention to Belgium; when was the last time that happened?

Let’s beat Belgium and shove it in the face of Belgazor, tyrant king of Belgium!

The average Belgian is five times worse than Hitler. #BelgiumFacts

The national past time of Belgium is hating freedom. #BelgiumFacts

One does not simply walk into Belgium. #BelgiumFacts

I can’t get into soccer, but I can get into hating a foreign country.

The only notable Belgians are all serial killers and one member of Nickelback. #BelgiumFacts

A Belgian wrote the ending to Lost. #BelgiumFacts

Go USA! Kick that ball hard! Or in whatever manner you’re supposed to kick it! And win quickly as I can’t pretend to care for a whole 90min!

Having not been watching the game; I assume it’s a lot of the ball being kicked around with nothing in particular happening, but keep me updated.

One secret move is the double-kick, where the ball is kicked with both feet at once. Or maybe that only happens in foosball.

I kinda want America to win, but if we don’t lose here, we’ll just have a more humiliating loss later. #RealTalk

A good goalie is part of what a winning team needs.

Not watching the game; do we have any other players than Tim Howard or is that basically it?

I want America to win, but then I might have to care about soccer for one more game.

Do we have like a clutch goal-kicker we can put in?

The guy already blocked like two games worth of goals.

If the U.S. didn’t spend so much time dominating in business, science, tech, and culture, we could be a lot better at kicking a ball around.

See you in four years, soccer.

You did this to yourselves by trying to care about a soccer game.

If the whole game were the last 30 minutes, soccer might start getting American fans.

It’s weird for the U.S. in the World Cup since we’re kinda the underdogs, but at the same time we’re not since we’re the U.S.

So, soccer, do you want America to write you up a list of how to improve soccer and win U.S. fans? Because we have lots of good suggestions.

You really should consult with us; we have lots of modern, exciting sports in America.

Frenchmen being mistaken for Belgians being beaten up in the U.S. right now. And also correctly identified Frenchmen.

So what does Canada celebrate on Canada Day? That Britain gave them permission to be a country?

Neglected Canada today with focus on Belgium. Of all the countries we don’t care about, like spending most time not caring about Canada.

“I will never stop making Transformers sequels, each one louder and more pointless than the last until all hope perishes.” -Michael Bay

We’re not still talking about soccer, are we?

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Random Thoughts: Hobby Lobby Decision

Tuesday, July 1, 2014 9:00 am

Yay. A small majority of the Supreme Court still believes in the principle which was the entire point of founding this nation.

“If women have to pay for their own abortifacients, we might as well just give up being a nation.” -the left right now

“Hobby Lobby is against birth control.” -moron who doesn’t actually care enough about the issue to get the facts straight but likes yelling

OUT: “Government stay out of the bedroom.”
IN: “Hobby Lobby, get in this bedroom and bring me an abortifacient!”

If you want the government and corporations to stay our of your personal areas, PAY FOR THINGS YOURSELF!

Can’t we put all our disagreements aside and unite as a country to be bored by soccer?

“We’ll have no freedoms left if we can’t force people to do things!”

“WOMEN ARE BEING DENIED BIRTH CONTROL!!!”
“There’s a Walgreens right over there and it’s open.”

Are people who keep acting like Hobby Lobby is against birth control in general misinformed or dishonest? Facts get in way of LOUD YELLING!

Don’t you support a woman’s right to choose what someone else should provide for her?

Many seem confused on the difference between “freedom” and “free stuff” which are not at all related.

My take on how the Hobby Lobby decision affects you: Not at all. Unless you like being outraged on Twitter.

That there’s much disagreement over whether the Hobby Lobby decision is for or against freedom shows we have a big problem in this country.

What is or isn’t freedom shouldn’t be debatable. Just ask which side wanted government force to be used to make someone do something.

If you’re against the Hobby Lobby decision, you’re not for freedom. You’re saying easy access to abortifacients trumps freedom.

It seems like President Obama would save a lot of time if he stuck to just doing things the Constitution says he’s allowed to do.

The easiest way to tell if someone overreacting to the Hobby Lobby decision is if they’re acting like it has any actual effect on them.

Guy on Twitter telling me case was all scheme by Hobby Lobby to increase investments in birth control they do cover. Pay off to Alito?

Guy might be a nut, but I also might be a nut so really hard to tell.

Is Best of the Web now behind a paywall? Alert the Supreme Court my rights are being violated!

I didn’t know Yahoo had the authority to renew a show for another season, but they are now my hero.

You have a right to promiscuity, but I question the wisdom of making it a right to celebrate above all others.

I love 24. In most shows, you root against the guy who tortures and murders people.

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Random Thoughts: The ISA, Soccer, and Cronies

Monday, June 30, 2014 9:00 am

“Give me all your money!” -a mugger
“Give me all your money! And seven years of records and receipts!” -the IRS

Ever seen the romcom starring Marie and Pierre Curie? I heard the two leads in it had a lot of chemistry.

Oh, I thought “one percenters” referred to they type of milk they drank. Now the Occupy Wall Street thing makes slightly more sense.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!! I achieved a personal goal today. What are you guys up to?

These World Cups happen way too often. My limit on caring about soccer is once per decade.

So is losing to Germany good or bad? I don’t really follow soccer.

If another country judges us based on how we play soccer, then they’re not really our friend and we should bomb them.

Remember when we were like, “Germany, don’t be so evil” and they were like, “No! We’re going to be double evil!” and we had a 2nd world war?

I think you don’t advance in the World Cup if you win too much because socialism.

“Are peasants allowed to compare me to Mitt Romney?”

“And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling Constitution!”

So who was the awful person who came up with this idea of “gender” that’s been oppressing everyone? Probably a white male.

Try to distinguish between when it’s other people oppressing you or when reality is the culprit.

This wedding ran out of wine – what happens next will SHOCK you! #BuzzfeedBible

How easy is it for a rich man to get to Heaven? The answer will surprise you. #BuzzfeedBible

10 easy rules to follow to keep your covenant with God #BuzzfeedBible

So are we sure it’s against the rules to pick up the ball in soccer? Like has anyone tried picking it up?

If you were really emotionally invested in a snail, you could really get cheering about a mile long snail race. Best I can understand soccer.

If you don’t want me to make fun of your sport, then don’t be a fan of a boring, stupid sport.

Okay; let’s just call it a 0-0 tie and be friends.

Come on, Tea Party; won’t someone think of the cronies?

I remember a Garfield joke about an automated battery changer that can only change own batteries; reminds me of establishment Republicans.

There are lots of ways to pay for birth control; there aren’t lots of ways to have religious freedom.

What if Biden started borrowing power?

It seems like politics would be a lot less frustrating to follow if I were a rich crony.

A new Transformers movie just opened, so hopefully Biden isn’t needed to break any ties in the Senate today.

Is there any greater condemnation of capitalism than how many Transformers sequels have resulted from it?

Obama: “I didn’t know the presidency would involve Congress disagreeing with me so much. I should have googled a president on Wikipedia.”

Funny how engine which explodes fuel seems to be last thing to break on car. Power windows, you’re not exploding anything; keep it together.

“But mathematically, our team that just lost still gets to advance.” -1st world country scamming 3rd world country

Soccer fans have to have a bit more sympathy for how genuinely baffled most Americans are by the popularity of soccer.

Take something you don’t understand popularity of (e.g., Dane Cook). Now pretend everyone else in the world thinks it’s the greatest thing ever.

“And now we finally have a land of religious freedom.”
“Must have gotten on the wrong ship; I was going to the land of free birth control.”

It’s always a bad sign when a country feels the need to tell you they’re democratic or a republic in the country’s name.

“Kick the ball! Yes! Now kick it some more! No no no! Don’t pick it up!” -soccer coach, I assume

Saw this on Facebook.

Well, the Steam Summer Sale got a lot of my money, though I don’t expect to have time to play any of those games for months.

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Random Thoughts: Perfect Crime, Hillary, and the IRS

Monday, June 23, 2014 9:04 am

Give to the Liberty Island campaign – not just because they’re publishing me, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Know what’s the perfect crime? Murdering a jury. You can’t get a fair trial because any jury will be biased against you.

So this rapist everyone is talking about that Hillary defended — is that her husband or someone else?

So if you’re a true soccer fan, is a game with as many goals in it as the Switzerland/France game really boring?

Despite all the scandals, polls show the public still has a 34% confidence that the IRS wouldn’t punch a baby in the face just for fun.

A tie! Everybody’s a winner!

If you can end on a tie, it’s not actually a sport.

I need to plug blinds.com. Did you know if you were an idiot and mis-measured, they’ll make and send new blinds for free?

Man, I’m good at pitching woo. Had a 100mph fastball going. Nearly took her head off.

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Random Thoughts: Censorship, Soccer, and Iraq

Friday, June 20, 2014 9:00 am

I’m not usually for censorship unless I don’t like something.

Have we made sure the Secretary of Defense isn’t Rumsfeld wearing Hagel’s skin, because Rumsfeld seems like kinda person who would do that.

So a really boring football games that consists of nothing but a couple field goals is the average soccer game.

Being a husband is hard. Being a father is hard. If you think it’s easy, you’re probably doing a bad job at it.

Uh oh. Steam Summer Sale. And I’ve been so productive.

The only thing freakier than seeing Slenderman is not seeing Slenderman because then he’s probably right behind you.

Obama: “There will be no boots on the ground in Iraq… not with our new HOVER TECHNOLOGY!”

I bet those Uruguayans are firing their AK-47s in the air celebrating their victory over the decadent West. Wait, where’s Uruguay?

From my dialect and the way I speak, it’s pretty easy to tell I’m from the internet.

I can find England on a map. Well, I know what island it’s on. No, wait; that was Jamaica.

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Random Thoughts: New Zealand, Redskins, and Fire Phone

Thursday, June 19, 2014 9:00 am

Love the Flight of the Conchords show; such a light touch with the humor. Too bad only the two seasons.

So New Zealand is basically Australia’s Canada?

Washington Hippie Punch #NewRedskinsName

The Washington [name redacted] #NewRedskinsName

The Washington I’m Offended! #NewRedskinsName

Was there an offensive named used for the Na’vi used in Avatar? I think you can still disparage made up races. #NewRedskinsName

The Washington Indians, But Not the Kind from Asia #NewRedskinsName

On the bright side for them, the Washington Whatevers are going to make a ton of money when fans have to buy new merchandise.

Racism in sports apparently equals huge scorn and huge profits.

The crowdfunding for Liberty Island is well under way. Join and get my novel when it releases.

Will it be the best novel you’ve ever read? Yes. Absolutely. How could I possibly write anything less?

The Washington Slurs #NewRedskinsName

When you start to realize all the horrible things they say about the right is projection, the left can be pretty scary.

Amazon Fire Phone, I was with you until “exclusively on AT&T.”

Hey, I can still claim to have the latest iPhone; I’m not getting a new phone yet.

Be funny if Amazon forgot to put regular phone functionality on their phone. “Totally slipped our mind with all the other features.”

You’ll know Hillary is serious about campaigning when you see her put “Hillary 2016″ stickers on her walker.

Because she’s old.

Hey, everyone; be like the Puppy Blender and support culture.

Was going to write a children’s story about nuking the moon, but the title I wanted, “Goodnight Moon”, was already taken.

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Random Thoughts: Taxing the Rich, Dana Milbank, and Vuvuzelas

Wednesday, June 18, 2014 9:00 am

Apparently there is a drug you can take to make watching soccer interesting though it may cause violent behavior.

“I support rich people other than me paying more in taxes.” -Democrats

“Sorry; computer crash. We lost all emails on Watergate.”
“And why were Woodward and Bernstein killed with a drone strike?”
“No comment.”

So these lost emails basically mean we need the government to be more competent before we can hold it accountable for its incompetency.

You have to feel for Dana Milbank; it must be enraging when people on the right don’t fit his preconceived caricatures.

“And then they pointed at a woman with a headscarf, yelled, ‘Mooslim!’, and killed and ate her. At least, that’s what I FELT happened.”

I actually might want to be a reporter; that sounds fun.

Remember to support Liberty Island’s crowdfunding campaign and get my first novel.

Can you imagine how good a novel by me would be? No; you can’t. That’s why I had to write it.

Imagine me writing a scifi action adventure while trying to occasionally be serious. You can’t. That’s why you need to get my novel.

Except you can’t get it yet. But you can support the Liberty Island crowfunding campaign and get it soon.

You can even get a signed copy. “I got this before Frank J. Fleming was insanely famous.”

A signed copy of the first edition of my first novel will have to be worth $1 million a decade from now, though you won’t want to sell it.

If for some insane reason we started calling soccer “football” in the US, what would we call football? Smashball? Tackleball? Huddling?

So was Dana Milbank’s comparison of that Heritage panel with the Red Wedding apt?

I really don’t get the World Cup; I already spend most of the year watching people not score soccer goals.

I don’t get people getting murdered over lost soccer games; 0-0 ties more likely to make me murderous.

Might as well just add a judge at the end who awards the winner to whichever team kicked the ball the most.

You need to read this 40 page thesis paper on why a 0-0 tie in soccer is actually exciting.

I’d watch the entire World Cup rather than actually read Hillary Clinton’s book.

I kinda miss the vuvuzelas.

There was something magical about vuvuzelas. It took the ridiculous inscrutability of the appeal of soccer to a new level.

Someone actually decided what soccer was lacking was a constant annoying sound. It’s hard not to give in to such lovely madness.

I’m only terrorizing people with my viewpoint on guns because I saw a YouTube video.

The thing with Hillary is she’ll be able to campaign as “probably better than Obama” and GOP will have trouble contradicting her on that.

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