Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: Carson, Jeb, Dem Debate

Tuesday, November 3, 2015 9:20 am

Of course Bernie Sanders isn’t anti-gun. How are you going to make socialism work without lots of guns?

Bernie Sanders’s views and hair can best be explained from him living in a cave for the past 50+ years.

To see collective right in the 2nd Amendment takes advanced legal knowledge. To see an individual right takes basic reading comprehension.

“Look at this desiccated corpse of a grape. Let’s put it in cookies because I hate children.” -inventor of raisins

“Hey, I have a great idea to halt the fifty year trend against gun control: I’ll label people who disagree with me ‘pro-massacre.'”

My advice for gun control people: Introspection. When you’ve been losing the argument for this long, the question is what are you missing.

Scary rights are the most important rights to defend.

So there’s a debate whether socialist Bernie Sanders – who’s one claim to fame is he’s an avowed socialist – is a socialist?

“Freedom allows capitalism and guns and ruins our plans. Destroy freedom!”
“Yes, destroy the freedom!”
-Dem debate preview

“I hate this country!”
“I hate it more!”
“I also hate Canada because it reminds me too much of the U.S.” #DemDebate

“I wish the Soviet Union won.”
“Where is flag? I want burn flag!”
“I am old and confused.” #DemDebate

“Tax all the monies!”
“Eliminate all the babies!”
“I wore an onion on my belt as it was the style at the time.” #DemDebate

“Power! Give me power!”
“Everyone who disagrees with me is a racist.”
“I’m old and computers are scary.” #DemDebate

It’s too easy to get a gun. It’s easier to get a gun than get a book. The only thing easier is getting a Nobel Peace prize.

Socialism is the idea that violent force is an appropriate response to peaceful, voluntary exchange.

It’s time we finally talk about the root cause of conflict in the Middle East: violent video games.

Was it wise to put Bernie Sanders on the same stage as a man who has actually killed Communists?

Jeb Bush: The right hates him. The left hates him. He’s the unity candidate.

“How do I stop all these sword nuts from being so obsessed with bladed weaponry?”
*invents gun*

I’m really optimistic about how long the country after this one is going to last.

All the whores and Democrats will look up to Biden and shout “Save us!” …and he’ll look down and whisper “No.”

“I hope we can finally put this email scandal behind us,” Hillary says behind glass at the federal penitentiary.

Heard this McDonald’s ad acting like they’re rebels for offering breakfast even though we’ve been screaming at them to do this for decades.

“Truth” is a very interesting story of how a random document written about Bush in 1973 became the basis for the default settings in MSWord.

Reading too much into fact that Biden’s son said on deathbed that he had to stop Hillary. That’s what everyone says on their deathbed.

I don’t want to sound racist, but I won’t watch the new Star Wars movie since they made Spock black. He’s supposed to be Asian.

“No flying cars. No moon base. No hoverboards. Because in 2015, 90% of technological advancement will be about phones.”

What if the reason Hitler was so malicious was because of all the time travelers who tried to kill him as a baby?

So the Ben Carson strategy seems to be to speak softly and… I don’t even know what the second part is, but it appears to be working.

Could choice really be between 90s novelty act Trump and “I was married to a president!” Hillary? Maybe politics should be a clown show.

Ben Carson is kind of a weird candidate for president because he’s actually done something useful for society before.

Koko the gorilla who knows sign language is 44 and was born in CA, i.e., she’s eligible to be president. Koko 2016. Kittens for all!

Don’t usually watch random things on Netflix, but description of Kung Fury demanded attention. First 5 min already most awesome thing ever.

The government only ever has two options in regards to the economy:
1. Screw it up
2. Leave it alone

In Dem debate, will they ask tough questions to create wedge with base, like “Name your favorite country.”?

I’d call for Jeb to get out of the 2016 race, but I’ve never been completely certain he was ever in it.

Who are you going to believe on Benghazi: Those damn lying victims’ families or famed honest person Hillary Clinton?

You have to have some sympathy for anyone who feels forced to take and defend the position “Hillary didn’t lie.”

Were I to live a thousand years and devote every moment to satire, I could still not achieve this.

What bothered me most on Supergirl was all the “What? A woman being capable of things? How outlandish and revolutionary!” Almost quaint.

My life goal is to one day be that house that hands out full-size candy bars.

My daughter embarrassed me by not being able to identify Darth Vader but got bonus points for knowing response to “I am your father.”

My wife is watching that movie where the guy and gal can’t stand each other in the beginning but then eventually fall for each other.

We in the middle class were always complaining that our health insurance was too good and too cheap, so it’s great how Obama fixed that.

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Random Thoughts: Wow! No Mention of Trump

Tuesday, October 6, 2015 8:59 am

We need a word for the great feeling of temporarily having the latest tech.

A Jeb Bush versus Hillary Clinton general election would probably gets its own chapter in the eventual books on the fall of the U.S.

Think of the money Twitter could make if they let you pay $1 for 5 characters more on a single tweet.

Testing out my new iPhone camera.
Baby C Fleming

Seen a few tweets where the gist of them were “Planned Parenthood gave me birth control, so ignore the organ harvesting.”

It just seems like there has to be a way to get people birth control without it being connected to the Jeffrey Dahmer stuff.

Don’t even think Orwell could imagine “woman’s health” becoming this catch-all phrase that even includes harvesting brains from tiny humans.

Some say it’s civilized to violently kill tiny humans who are inconvenient and then hack them apart for other purposes and others say no.

I don’t think Hillary should be president, but I hope she finds a nice retirement home.

I found out I can make Siri British so I did.

You can also make Siri Australian, but I just don’t trust Australians. No offense, Aussies. Please don’t steal my stuff.

You don’t actually get to decide whether or not someone else can get a gun. You can only affect the difficult of obtaining it. And with more than 300 million guns in this country, you can’t actually affect the difficulty very much.

If Obama doesn’t want us to have guns, can we have predator drones instead?

Is it just me, or did that NYTimes “modern man” description sound an awful lot like Adolph Hitler?

Disarming the citizenry is unrealistic, but maybe we can get a bipartisan movement going to disarm the government.

Really interested in the opinion on guns from someone who blows up countless people with predator drones.

The best way Obama could keep guns from people would be to pass mass legislation with the intention of getting everyone a gun.

Got first two pages of the sequel to Superego done. No violence yet. Slow start :(

It’s funny. I understand the right’s hate for Jeb, but the left’s hate is kinda baffling.

Confiscating 300 million guns sounds impossible, but there are a lot less murderers than that. Let’s confiscate murderers.

Irresponsible voting has more of a fat tail problem than irresponsible gun usage. Bad voting could lead to oppression, nuclear war.

I’m so disappointed in Hollywood for not having a Back to the Future remake out this year where he goes back 30 years to 1985.

The deliciousness of Chick-fil-A proves we’ve made no progress since Jim Crow.

FedEx guy delivering my new iPhone said, “Congratulations.” Yep, iPhones are awesome. Realized he meant the newborn I was holding, though.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Muslim Obama, Trump

Friday, September 25, 2015 8:19 am

Trump’s speech was him describing blimp he just saw and then he screamed at a cardboard cutout of Worf about how rich he is. Crowd loved it.

So Ben Carson, huh? Normally he’d be a crazy choice (never held office), but circumstances have made him the less crazy one.

Surgeon doesn’t seem like an occupation with much experience applicable to being president. Better than community organizer, though.

It would be nice if the left paid attention to injustice even when they couldn’t make a partisan political point about it.

The problem is not John Roberts. The problem is a six page document meaning radically different things based on which judge is appointed.

Yeah, Trump not getting sufficiently outraged when someone called Obama a Muslim is totally what’s going to sink him.

What’s so ridiculous about the Muslim charge against Obama is that it’s so hard to imagine him as religious.

Is there a Muslim equivalent to the Catholic who only goes to church on Christmas and Easter?

“OBAMA’S NOT A MUSLIM!!!! …not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Christians, yes I keep using the fed govt against you and your beliefs, but you must defend me when someone challenges my faith!” -Obama

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Doctor who?”
*adjusts taped up glasses* “He’s just called ‘The Doctor.'”

First kid is complete and painful destruction of your previous self. Third kid is a minor adjustment to change some diapers at night.

Trying to figure out how to explain to my 2yo son he’s now the middle child and what that means.

I don’t even remember why I once thought newborns were hard. They eat (wife’s job) and they sleep. Dog takes more attention. #3rdKid

Telemarketer for TWC: “Do you make lots of long distance calls?” Who keep tracks of what calls are local or long distance anymore?

I thought we as a society had moved past the local/long distance distinction. It’s all just data moving through the inter-tubes.

“Hi. I’m a really successful governor. Here’s a list of my accomplishments…”

With GOP candidates dropping out of the presidential race like this, there could be as few as fifty left in the race by the end of the year.

If you want some extra challenge when putting together an IKEA dresser, let your 4yo and 2yo help every step of the way.

More interesting question: What do people think of a Scientologist president?

So who is the top GOP candidate who has actually held office before? Oh, and isn’t Jeb.

If you’re angry at price gouging on medicine, remember that it wouldn’t be possible without the help of the FDA.

Donald Trump and Ann Coulter have become like the Joker and Harley Quinn.

Donald Trump will take on all of America’s enemies: Megyn Kelly, Club for Growth, that dog who looked at him funny.

If people wouldn’t abandon Trump for being ideologically incoherent, hopefully they’ll finally dump him for being a whiny little bitch.

“In a ‘we just don’t care’ rerun of Bush versus Clinton, I’m the least energetic.” #JebPitch

“Why elect someone with one president in her immediate family when you can elect someone with two. That’s just math.” #JebPitch

“I just don’t have the energy to raise your taxes.” #JebPitch

Hillary’s message for little girls is you can do anything as long as you marry someone who already did it and don’t care if he’s awful.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Sanders, and Apple

Tuesday, September 15, 2015 8:27 am

It’s kinda like Bernie Sanders’s ideas were frozen in amber while the rest of him aged.

Apple: We weren’t going to make a stylus until we could figure out how to make you pay a hundred bucks for it.

Interesting if the election is between Sanders, a socialist, and a Trump, a… buffoon who gets pissy. I don’t know what my point is.

Presidential elections were invented to keep the most awful people in our country busy.

So proud. My daughter got her first trophy in Mario Kart. And it was a gold.

To all the people bad-mouthing Trump, I would point out there are benefits to the president being an obvious clown.

Iran signed onto the deal when they got the agreement changed from “probably won’t nuke anyone” to “maybe won’t nuke anyone.”

TRUMP: “Sorry I’m late. Spent an hour screaming at a squirrel. Anyway, I’ve taken all your houses through eminent domain.”
*crowd goes wild*

If Elon Musk really wants to nuke Mars, may I propose to head up a test plan to nuke something in space quite a bit closer.

“I’m pleased to announce that your current iPhone 6 is now a piece of crap you wouldn’t even give to a monkey.”

Apple: “If there’s a moment of the day you’re not staring at a screen, we’re failures.”

Hillary’s strategists say she needs to loosen up and cackle more.

If only there were some religious people in the Middle East who could help the needy like the Syrian refugees.

TRUMP: *bites head off live puppy* “I never liked the Bill of Rights.”
PUNDITS: “This should sink him.”
*Trump’s poll numbers go up*

At this rate, Donald Trump will be the single, awfullest human being the world has ever seen and win the primary with 99% of the vote.

It’s hard to get excited for Verizon’s 5G service.
“Now I’ll be able to use up my monthly data limit in 3 seconds!”

Evolution is a scientific theory that’s nothing but useless trivia to 99% of people. Stop treating it like a religious worldview.

Just to be clear, a position Obama held in 2008 when the left heralded him as the most enlightened being ever is now super bigoted?

“We suddenly decided the basic understanding ppl had about marriage for 1000s of years is bigoted. Why isn’t everyone going along with it?”

Trump fans care about Trump’s foreign affairs knowledge in the same way Tom Brady fans care about his foreign affairs knowledge.

I kinda like Bernie Sanders. He doesn’t seem like a politician but someone with real, sincere beliefs. Related: He’s a nut job.

Isn’t it time for James Bond to be played by an American faking a bad cockney accent?

Anyone who has paid any attention to politics over the past 100+ years knows “tax the rich” always ends up “tax the middle class”.

I’m pretty sure everyone agrees Hillary is hugely corrupt. Her supporters have this fantasy, though, that she’s also competent.

On my politician ranking scale, the highest possible rank is “harmless idiot”.

“We can’t defund the Nazis! Some of them do cancer screenings!”

By now we’ve realized that Trump could start murdering his own supporters and the only ones he’d lose would be the ones he murdered.

President Obama is finally trying to help the middle class, as their second biggest concern according to polls is misnamed mountains.

PREZ: “Find anything out about the phenomenon?”
DOG SCIENTIST: “No. Looked at it. Tilted head slightly – tried every analytical technique.”

Review of Our Solar System: “Random yet boring selection of planets, only one of which is (barely) habitable. One star.”

If there was an actual movement to confiscate guns in this country, it would cause a civil war between people with guns and people without.

There was huge crime surge starting in the 1960s because that was the decade guns were invented.

College costs sky-rocketed when the government tried to make it more affordable. Just wait until they try and make it free.

Patriarchy? Did you even bother to ask all your oppressors what gender they identify as?

It would be easier to take Trump supporters seriously if they stopped doing insane, incoherent things like supporting Donald Trump.

Big Bird needs government funds to survive as much as Mickey Mouse does.

I really think we should expand our search for presidents beyond the immediately family of previous presidents and 90s novelty acts.

The Hillary email story is no a big deal. There’s nothing in Constitution preventing someone from being elected president while in prison.

After years of divide, the country was finally brought together in 2018 to help rescue President Biden from being trapped down that well.

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Random Thoughts: Fantastic 4, College Costs, and Tromp

Wednesday, August 12, 2015 9:05 am

Let my daughter watch Jem the other day and now I can’t get the theme song out of my head.

Never got over the suspicion that Jem was inauthentically outrageous, despite repeated assertions to the contrary.

Didn’t watch the debates, but interesting that women – Carly Fiorina and Megyn Kelly – are dominating all the talk about them.

And neither of them got where they are through marriage.

I like Tromp! He is angry and yells at people! Need more Tromp!

“So do you want some sort of coherent politically philosophy, or are you happy with just angry yelling?”

Apparently a large number of people can’t tell the difference between being tough and being thin-skinned and pissy.

Are there people who really didn’t get that Trump is a joke candidate until the Megyn Kelly line?

Was there anything so awful Ted Kennedy could do that he’d lose support? Such is Trump’s base.

I can still be surprised by how silly Trump gets, but I don’t take him seriously enough to get outraged.

*dog repeatedly runs into glass door*
“He never backs down! He just like hero Donald Tromp!”

I’m glad we’re finally cracking down on the number one threat to black people: Bernie Sanders.

Difference between Democrats and Republicans: Republicans are working really hard to stop the horrible person who is their frontrunner.

Why did anyone get it in there head Fantastic 4 is a great franchise to keep trying to remake? Best I can imagine it being is watchable.

There’s a rock guy, a stretch guy, and invisible girl, and someone with actual superpowers. Not much they can do.

I just don’t get the idea of making into a movie every comicbook that everyone has heard of but no one actually reads.

*chihuahua viciously attacks the shoes of everyone entering the room*
TRUMP SUPPORTER: “I think that dog is raising some legitimate points.”

The feminist future is men starving from lack of sandwiches and women being overrun with spiders.

So what did people think of season 2 of HBO’s Real Detective Stories or Detective Brand Detectives or whatever it’s called?

Is the Trump candidacy basically the plot to The Babadook?

“Sorry, President Trump can’t meet with the ambassadors from China. He has a busy day planned of responding to YouTube comments.”

Every effort the government has made to help with college costs has caused them to further skyrocket. Just stop it.

The government keeps throwing money at college and costs keep rising. So Hillary’s plan? THROW MORE MONEY AT IT! Gah!

Student debt is the symptom of the problem. What needs to be done is to finally give colleges incentives to actually cut costs.

BTW, this issue of college costs was talked about in the first episode of Love Gov.

If I were rich and smart and attractive, I’d mention that constantly in every conversation.

Wow, Trump’s position on abortion has really changed since back when he said, “Abort all the babies. They’re a bunch of slobs and losers.”

You don’t need to be politically correct, but it helps to be correct about something.

We need a fighter who will FIGHT ALL THE THINGS!

Everyone loves my novel. There’s a handful of negative reviews, but they’re all from losers and slobs.

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Random Thoughts: Lions, Iran, and Trump

Friday, August 7, 2015 9:02 am

When was the last time a lion did something that benefited society? On the other hand, dentists help us not look British.

Why is a lion the animal we freak out about when it gets hunted? Lions are mean and they bite.

“Watch Jon Stewart DESTROY his anti-matter counterpart when they collide.”

I just can’t take Objective C seriously because it’s boolean values are “YES” and “NO”. Was it made for three year olds?

And what’s with the bracket function calls? “I’m going to have C language do function calls like Lisp because I’m a dangerous psychopath.”

I like Swift, though. No semicolon seems natural. If every line needs a semicolon, then no line needs it.

They should do something like the Dummies series but instead for journalists like “Christianity for Journalists” and “Guns for Journalists”.

Biden needs to enter the race to give the Democrats a wider selection of elderly white people.

So Five Guys still batting about .500 on remembering bacon for to go orders. They owe me like $50 of bacon by now.

Yeah, I’m a sucker.

Wow. Agents of SHIELD way better in second season. All the boring characters were made interesting. Coulson actually least interesting.

I went from actively rooting for Skye’s death to caring about her character.

First we elect president Biden. Then he gets kidnapped by ninjas. And then we get Bad Dudes for real.

Dentists are killing lions at an alarming rate of 1.

Wait… we’re not supposed to destroy robot hitchhikers?

Can’t we all agree that Trump and Jeb are both equally horrible and idiotic choices?

First episode of Love Gov is well over 500k views. Hope everyone checked it out, as it’s awesome.

Jeb said something stupid? No time to tell me what it was; lets just dump him.

I’m kind of proud about how the amount I care about lions remains fairly constant.

Ayatollah: “Death to America!”
Obama: *whispering* “`To be honest, that’s fine with me come 2017.”

Half of the Clintons’ charitable donations are to The Clinton Foundation. The other half is to The Human Fund.

Would be neat to see an Obama versus Trump debate. They’re at about the same level of obnoxiousness.

Is Five Night’s at Freddy’s guy setting some sort of sequel record, as we’re to number 4 and it hasn’t even been a year since 1st released?

Not criticizing Five Nights at Freddy’s. Each sequel has changed up the gameplay and been an increase in quality.

Can we least admit violently dismembering tiny humans because they inconvenience us is not the most civilized thing humanity has ever done?

Good debate question for Jim Gilmore: “Can you prove you exist?”

I’m sorry John Stewart passed away. He mad me laugh a few times.

This Trump phenomenon is a bit like watching Naked Gun with someone who’s convinced it’s a dramatic thriller.

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Random Thoughts: Trump, Extremism, and Gun Control

Wednesday, July 29, 2015 9:09 am

These male feminists seem like an evolutionary dead end for obvious reasons.

Exactly what “cuckservative” means seems less relevant than the people trying to use it as as slur are all dumb racists.

Just cucking with my cucks.

Would be funny if there was a follow up to the NYMag article. “I had a lapse in my feminism. I murdered Paulo.”

How do the white supremacists expect Trump to win if they chase away the cuckservative vote?

So the Democrats really can’t find anyone other than white people to run for president?

If you want to keep someone from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns in this country, it’s not a law you need but a magic spell.

“Hello. I am rich white woman who married into position of power. Vote for me to help feminism, poor people, social justice.”

Only the government should have guns and they should use them to make people bake cakes.

Trying out Google Cardboard. Pretty amazing how well the default iPhone hardware works for head tracking.

Interesting how in this country people can say the most insulting things about gun owners without fear of reprisal (beyond the ballot box).

PRO TIP: One of the keys to appealing to white people on issues of race is to not constantly refer to them as “white people”.

No disagreement with anyone who argues Republicans are awful. I only have a beef with them if they do it to ignore that Democrats are awful.

Tried watching Star Wars with my daughter today.
“Episode 4? We should start with episode 1.”
“Absolutely not!”

Second season of Agents of SHIELD is leagues better than first. Actually care about plot and characters.

And Skye can be on screen and talking and I don’t actively wish for her death.

As awful and as ridiculous a candidate as Trump is, it’s still really easy to see why people would pick him over the GOP establishment.

Why all the focus on the weirdos supporting Trump? Who are these sociopathic idiots supporting Jeb?

From a left-wing perspective, innovation is problematic as it’s extremely disruptive to central planning.

Hillary is dishonest and corrupt, but without any indication of competency. She’s not Frank Underwood; she’s Cersei Lannister.

Everyone should have some “extreme” views. The key to not sounding like a nut is being aware when your ideas are extreme.

Expected a lot of silly things to come out of the Trump candidacy, but “embolden white supremacists” really came out of left field.

The left should try to understand why they utterly lost on gun control rather than pretend the debate is still ongoing.

I’m sure a few more angry tweets about gun control will totally reverse the half a century trend on that issue.

I completely forgot Rand Paul is running for president. He was the one who was supposed to be the eccentric choice.

If we really want to elect a woman president, just remember there are a lot of other women than Hillary. Might want to cast a wider net.

The alternative to the free market is to use force to prevent peaceful, voluntary exchange.

I do highly recommend Arthur Brook’s The Conservative Heart. Very good ideas on the positive approach the right should be taking.

Probably doesn’t jive much with Trump.

If we don’t murder a lion every so often just because we can, nature gets uppity.

Crushing tiny humans to death and harvesting their organs is a normal, unremarkable part of modern, civilized society.

Is all that outrage over that dentist shooting a lion because of love of lions or hatred of zebras?

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Random Thoughts: Trump, White People, and Climate Change

Thursday, July 23, 2015 8:53 am

“To actually get something useful out of this deal would have taken major concessions on our part.”

Don’t get all this worry. Pretty unlikely Iran is going to nuke us. Maybe some other country, but not us.

As much as I think Trump is a clown and the least trustworthy person in the race, it would still be hard choice between him and Jeb.

I think we should err on the side of our questions to politicians being too tough versus worrying whether we’re nice.

Like our new house, but went to replace our air filters and there’s four of them and they’re each a different size.

Three of them require a step stool to reach. Just seems like that could be designed better.

How exactly does making military bases “gun free zones” make sense to anyone?

Wasn’t it Hillary’s husband who made military bases “gun free”? Someone asking her opinion on that? Are we allowed to ask her questions?

Remember weird gun policy stories from my dad in Vietnam where he had to take a gun to leave base and then hide it so he could go in the PX.

Do I need to draw up a Venn diagram of “people who obey signs” and “people intent on murder” or are we all aware what that looks like?

Is there some sort of registry where you can check if an employee of Gawker lives in your neighborhood?

There was a cobra loose in Austin, but it was found. Dead. Now I’m scared of WHAT KILLED THE COBRA!!!

Trump is a clown who says clown things? :surprised face emoji:

I can’t pretend outrage at anything Trump does. That would be like getting angry at a pig for rolling around in the mud. Expected behavior.

What I don’t get is that people like Trump because he “speaks his mind.” No he doesn’t. If he did, he’d say, “Look at me!” over and over.

Rhyming and meter is an invention of the white patriarchy to control speech! #NNPoetry

When you see how white Bernie Sanders supporters are, you realize the diversity of the Democrat Party is very segregated.

I guess you can say the Democrat Party is made up of a number of separate but equal racial special interests.

(they’re not actually equal)

Hear some people punish kids these days by taking away iPad and making them watch TV. Cruel. When kids are bad, I only give them an iPad 1.

I hope they chase all the white people out of the Democrat Party. Those people are awful.

In my dream world, we take every politician as seriously as we do Trump.

Innovation is nothing but disruptive to central planning.

So what caused the Gawker editors to resign? They got that same curse put on them the gypsies put on Angelus?

46 years ago we were able to go to the moon. We can’t do it anymore, though, because of OSHA regulations.

I assume MMFA is classified as hate group. Doesn’t seem psychologically healthy to spend all day focusing on things you hate.

Just being logical, there’s always going to be a bit of a morality problem with an organization that makes good money chopping up babies.

Uber, but for bad comparisons to Uber.

Airbnb, but for taxi cabs.

Being a Trump fan tells me you like partisan battles but don’t take the underlying ideas very seriously.

Trump is a conservative like Stephen Colbert is a conservative.

Trump is that birther nonsense again – the subset of the right who are as intellectually incoherent as the left.

I hate the establishment GOP and think they’re useless too. Doesn’t mean I’m going to prop up some noisy, left-wing clown.

You don’t see many on the left go after specific things Jesus said. There’s something refreshingly honest about that.

“Why should we listen to Jesus? He never even went to college.”

I never got all these music awards. Where are the music punishments for bad music?

I can’t believe all these troglodytes crying about “climate change.” Don’t be so closed minded that you hate and fear change.

“I don’t want the climate to change. I like it back like it was in the 50s… when we kept minorities in their place.”
Shut up, racist!

“I’m going to murder a bunch of minorities! …Wait, I can get hate crime penalties in addition to execution? I’m going to rethink this…”

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Random Thoughts: China, Guns, and Pluto

Wednesday, July 15, 2015 8:58 am

I thought the whole country was of one mind on the Confederate flag now, but Massachusetts just voted to fly it over their capitol. Weird.

“Going to pahk the cah and salute the Confederaht flag.”

If year ago you told me I’d write series in which human personification of governmentt gives a speech about Aquaman, I’d say, “Sounds about right.”

Cool write up of Love Gov. It’s really great to be working for Emergent Order on these unique projects.

If you want to escape your privilege, you need to take a time machine to the Stone Age.

I think a Bush vs. Clinton election would be great if we’re trying to set a record for depressed turnout.

Yes. We all know now. Mitt Romney was absolutely right about everything. But guess what: Just didn’t like him.

It’s kinda scary when a country like China has information so sensitive you’d only expect Google to have it.

How do I set my watchman? It just keeps flashing “12:00”.

The problem is that no matter how solid we make the Three Laws of Politics, it all gets overridden by the zeroth law of “get elected.”

I thought quaaludes was something you bet when Captain Kirk fights an alien.

There are over 300 million guns in this country. I don’t care what background checks you have; it will never be hard to get one.

Preventing determined criminals from getting access to guns similar in scope to preventing determined criminals from getting access to lamps.

Any realistic gun policy starts with the assumption criminals can get guns whenever they want them.

Why didn’t OPM listen to Neil deGrasse Tyson and create an unhackable system?

Just had a thought: That Grande person who hates America – where was she when this hack happened?

The government is great for anything where you don’t care about cost or competency.

I just don’t understand how it’s physically possible to take Donald Trump seriously.

Rejected first draft To Kill a Mockingbird is at least educational from a writer’s stand point.

Sounds like the new solo Batman movie will have the same problem as Argo: great director, meh lead actor.

My 4yo daughter was watching something called “Mother Goose Club” and I told her what the first 2 rules are but she didn’t get the reference.

I thought Scott Walker announced like a month ago. This is like impossible to keep track of.

The only evidence Jesus is a socialist is the one time he used violent force to stop voluntary exchange.

That was more of a temple desecration issue, but that’s the only thing near a socialist act from Jesus.

So I’ve learned Democrats are pretty scared of Walker.

What’s happened to Bill Cosby has to be an alarming trend to Bill Clinton.

Finally got to me Mary Katharine Ham in person! Had lunch with her along with the lovely and talented SarahK.

Seems like Austin is a better place for meeting people in person than Boise.

Can Pluto be a planet again now that NASA proved it exists? When does it supernova?

Of course, why would we believe NASA about Pluto after they’ve been spying on our phone calls and emails?

$400 PS4 bundle with Arkham Knight so tempting. I want to punch bad guys! I want to punch lots of them in series!

It’s not like selling organs is the most ethically dubious thing Planned Parenthood does.

Giving Agents of SHIELD another try. I hear eventually you don’t spend the whole episode hoping Skye gets killed.

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Random Thought: Independence Day, Supreme Court, and Modern Dirty Harry

Thursday, July 9, 2015 9:35 am

There error that both President Obama’s supporters and detractors make is believing there is something exceptional about him.

Why does Google Chat now have deflated smiley faces?

A great Vox article would be “Our website proves the 1st Amendment was a mistake.”

It’s possible to criticize conservatives without bring up race, gender, or sexuality.

Yes, it’s been 10 years now with the t-shirt babe. Starting a blog was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

It’s not easy being a country that’s a million times better than the 2nd best country. I hope July 4th is a day nations can appreciate that.

So was it ever explained how Danger Mouse lost his eye?

Did math give a concession speech after Greece’s no vote?

There’s no more American way to end a 4th July weekend than winning at soccer.

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. The first is charges of racism and sexism.

“Entitlements? The only thing you’re absolutely entitled to is death.” -Frank J. 2016

Solution to Supreme Court is make it like jury duty. Grab people off the street to rule based on plain meaning of language in Constitution.

The Constitution is a frick’n six page document. Doesn’t require years as a judge to understand anymore than rules to Monopoly.

4 of 9 justices couldn’t find “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed” in the Constitution. Learned stupidity.

The hardest thing about seeing a socialist state run out of money is resisting the urge to laugh. B/c people really are going to suffer.

The left believes in separation of church and state in only one direction.

“I have a great idea!”
*pulls out a gun and shoots ISIS*

The popularity of Bernie Sanders shows that the Democrat Party has been neglecting it’s base: old, white hippies.

Talk softly and carry a big idea.

What if the Han Solo origin movie is just an hour and half of him at the mall trying on vests?

Reminder: There’s like 320 million people in the U.S. Seems like we could afford to have high standards for the president.

Proud of the #LoveGov series, but found out that the name has already been used to refer to Mark Sanford and Eliot Spitzer :(

So the China cyber attack has begun, right? Civilization was fun while it lasted. Well, it was okay.

So how long until SJWs demand the name be changed to “Batperson v Superperson”?

Okay, I’m finally going to ask: What in the world is a “sunny bunch”?

I’d love to see a new Dirty Harry movie where he reacts to the idiocy of modern day San Francisco.

“Detective, Callahan! What did you do?!”
“You said we’re a sanctuary city and I had to let him go.”
“You dropped him off a building!”

Oh, good ole’ Dirty Harry. His badge only ever got in the way of catching the perp.

“Here’s your trigger warning: Shut up or I pull this trigger.”

“Safe space is what I call your grave.”

“Don’t worry about my white privilege. Worry about the privilege of the guy with the loaded .44”

“This is a .44 magnum, the… Sorry, an 11mm magnum. Keep forgetting we’re metric now.”

I think a killer business idea now would be a furniture store that just specializes in fainting couches.

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Random Thoughts: Supreme Court, Peas, and Canada

Thursday, July 2, 2015 9:10 am

Ever notice how white liberals get extra irrational angry at conservatives who are minorities?

To advance on the issue of race, the left needs to focus more on their own racism than what they perceive as everyone else’s.

We wouldn’t need all these Supreme Court decisions if sweeping legislation wasn’t hastily scrawled in crayon.

So is the job of SCOTUS to proofread laws?

Peak stupid will be when schools reissue new history books that don’t include the Confederate flag.

They’ll tweak and adjust ACA until it works kind of like you’d tweak and adjust something you found in the toilet until it’s edible.

Now everyone’s got a right to the thing that no one agrees exactly what it is.

From a Christian perspective, Jesus was pretty clear on what God’s model for marriage is, but said nothing on what that means for government.

Obama: “I’m really happy this thing happened that I was cynically against like just a couple months ago.”

I see a lot of angry reactions. Strangely enough, most of it from supporters of gay marriage.

Is anyone seriously arguing polygamy will continue to be illegal? That would seem really incoherent.

The idea that the Constitution never means anything concrete or specific will continue to have implications in lots of fun areas.

If the right is looking for a victory, mentions of gun control sure got dropped pretty quickly.

Key to pronouncing town names in Texas: Think of the most obvious way to pronounce it. You’ve discovered how it’s not pronounced.

E.g., if you saw town called “Manor”, how would you pronounce it? WRONG!

I heard that in the olden days specially chosen people would read omens from animal entrails. It’s like an early Supreme Court.

The idea of inequality is that no matter what riches you get, you can’t enjoy it because someone else has more. And that person is greedy.

It would be neat if we had a constitution that meant concrete things that didn’t change based on who reads it.

Know who I blame? The Founding Fathers. Should have been more clear.

Man I feel smart now for that time Greece asked to borrow $20 from me and I said no.

No country elected math, but math still gets the final say about your spending.

The liberal Supreme Court justices are a bit like the NYT editorial board in that they’re intellectually incoherent and yet very predictable.

In contrast, Chief Justice Roberts is intellectually incoherent and unpredictable.

Now let’s take inventory of who changed their logos to rainbow color and prepare to get judgey of whoever changes back to normal first.

Apple app review process was more stressful than I thought. Theoretically, they can just ding you for anything.

Apple released their main reasons they reject apps. 42% was “other.” Not super helpful.

Anyway, I programmed an app. I also wrote a script for a video series. You’ll see both later this month.

Everyone focusing on microaggressions is allowing me to completely get away with all my nanoaggressions.

Ever tried dumping a bowl of peas on your NYTimes before reading it? Can’t hurt!

“We shoved as many peas as we could into Thomas Friedman’s mouth and now he sounds even smarter! Peas!”

“Instead of sprinkles, try peas on your ice cream. We’re not asking. We have a gun.”

“We buried Paul Krugman in a mountain of peas. He might be dead. We don’t know. Someone please stop us.”

#AskPOTUS What would you ask you?

Canada Day celebrate the first time the U.S. noticed there was this place called Canada above them. It’s happened six more times since.

“It’s like I’m in the U.S., but everything is slightly off in a creepy way. Is this the Twilight Zone?”
“No. Welcome to Canada!”

My 2yo son is really into Danger Mouse on Netflix. I had completely forgotten about that show.

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Random Thoughts: Gun Control and the Confederate Flag

Thursday, June 25, 2015 8:17 am

What is the gun control that keeps a person wanting to commit murder from getting one of the hundreds of millions of guns in this country?

I’m sorry, but saying “gun control” in response to a shooting like this make you an unserious person. There’s no logic to it.

It’s about the same as saying, “We need stricter laws against murder!”

I actually don’t see why I should care who is put on what bill. I use a debit card.

Maybe instead of repeating your same gun control arguments you should try reflecting on why most people keep rejecting them.

My 4yo beat me in her first try at Wii Bowling so I don’t feel like much of a father today :(

As soon as they know you have weakness, it’s all over.

Is anyone maintaining Stonehenge? What’s if it’s keeping sealed in an ancient evil?

I also never understood why would you want to fly a flag commemorating people who were whupped by a bunch of dandy Yankees?

New Metroid Prime!”
“Four-player co-op.”

Has any rapper ever tried having a normal name? “Hi, I’m Bob the rapper.” I’d give his music-like recordings a try.

They should make a Spider-man movie that reboots with a second actor halfway through.

Why would you need a Confederate flag for a Civil War reenactment? I don’t remember Captain America or Iron Man using a particular flag.

I know it’s a big controversy, but does Hillary really need to get her Confederate flag tattoo lasered off? It’s pretty faded at her age.

The Confederate flag has become a symbol of people against banning the Confederate flag.

I’ve never actually seen Gone with the Wind. I guess I missed my chance.

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Random Thoughts: Clowns, Dolezal, and Jeb!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015 8:23 am

Can’t wait for October 21st, because then hopefully we’ll stop getting those false “Today is the day Marty McFly went to future” posts.

I just don’t get college these days. It seems like there has to be a lot cheaper ways to become obnoxiously stupid.

Eventually so many things will be declared offensive that only hate mongers will spend any moment of the day not angry about something.

We’re coming up with new things to be offended by at a much quicker rate than we’re retiring old things. This is not sustainable.

What’s a scientific term that refers to whether a majority of a human’s cells contain a Y chromosome?

Someone needs to guy-splain to Vox that they’re a bunch of clowns.

We have a clown culture growing in this country, led by things such as Vox. That’s not acceptable.

Does Twitter need a new CEO? Because I use Twitter.

We need a word that means “non-avian dinosaurs and their marine and flying reptile contemporaries that are all now extinct”.

Race is much more of a social construct than gender. #RachelDolezal

Is it wrong to call people on Twitter idiots when they self-identify as smart?

You ever get this feeling the president ain’t that great at being a leader?

Man, we have some weird gnats to choke on lately.

My 4yo daughter wanted me to wear a cape and save her from a dragon, so I had to lecture her on the damsel in distress trope.

Got an unopened but empty can of Coke in a 24 pack. Did they share it without asking us?
Empty Coke

The Jeb Bush logo reminds me of the Boise public library.

This brand names seems like it’s trying way too hard. You’re friggin’ soap and water, dude.

“The heavens will weep at our bubbles!”

I actually don’t have strong feelings on JEB!!!11!!1!!eleventy!1!! as a candidate.

Show is Game of Thrones show spoiling book 6 now? Or will they wildly diverge now? Or am I foolish to think another book is ever coming?

I thought Oldboy was going to be about a young Gary Oldman, but that wasn’t it at all.

My guess at the end of Game of Thrones would be Daenerys suddenly falling down a staircase and dying.

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Random Thoughts: Metric System and Being Offended

Wednesday, June 10, 2015 7:40 am

I appreciate the metric system as a scientist. I loathe it as a writer.

Community season six finale was one of the all time best. Hope we get a season seven (movie continuation of shows are always weird).

You can favorite your own tweets? This changes everything!

The ultimate goal of Social Justice Warriors is to find a bigot more hateful and closed-minded than themselves.

So Facebook conveniently keeps a tally of how many friends wished you happy birthday. What am I supposed to do with that?

The right bombing the Middle East created ISIS, but the left being insufferable jackasses created the right.

In a free society, there is no question that citizens are allowed to have guns. It’s only debatable whether the government should have any.

Aw, man. Looks like I need to upgrade my computer if I want to play the new Batman game. Stupid next gen.

Went to this really cheap Chinese food restaurant. You couldn’t get sweet & sour; you had to pick one or the other.

My iPad 3 keeps freezing and crashing when downloading or updating apps (perhaps any big downloads). Anyone else experience this?

Yeah, I know I need a new iPad. Those iPad Airs make an iPad 3 look like a clunky iPad 1.

Did Lego Minecraft with my daughter, but hard to tell we followed directions versus putting it together randomly.
Buttercup and Lego Minecraft

Lego Minecraft is basically Lego Legos. It’s Lego Inception.

The NYT’s political commentary could be replaced with “Republicans bad. Democrats good.” written over and over and you’d be just as informed.

I’m so progressive that I’m offended by more things before breakfast than you’ve been offended by all month.

I’m so progressive, I’ve found things in a sensory deprivation chamber to be offended by.

I’m so progressive, that if a tree falls in the woods and on one is there to hear it, I’m still offended.

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Random Thoughts: FIFA and Patriot Act

Wednesday, June 3, 2015 7:56 am

What is it about trains that makes them objects of endless fascination to small children and Democrats?

Texas sure has some interesting weather. Time to swim around the tornadoes on my way to work.

Anytime I watched a soccer game and saw all the people pretending to be excited by it, I said, “This has to be a scam of some sort.”

It’s good we have Bernie Sanders in the race for people looking for someone even older and less relevant than Hillary.

I’m bought a house in Texas. And I did it with a conventional loan this time like I’m a big boy.

Of course FIFA is corrupt. The reason we get all those boring 0-0 scores is because both teams are being paid to throw the game.

I’m looking forward to Pataki versus Sanders in the general election.

So how hard would it be to make it so you could hold the iPhone in portrait but it films in landscape?

Decided I’m going to die in Austin because I’m definitely never moving again.

Is Patriot Act where Whoopi Goldberg joined the Army to hide out from the mob?

Why does Siri always change the subject when I ask if she’s spying on me for the NSA?

At this point it would be easier if you announce if you’re not running for president. BTW, I have no announcement to make.

“I would like to take this opportunity to officially launch my campaign for president.” -Hillary in the first presidential debate

Reminder: You don’t get to choose whether criminals are armed. Only whether law abiding people are.

The whole investigation started when the FBI asked who was in charge of FIFA and thought they were given a clearly made up name.

People need to get better at sorting out when it’s society oppressing them and when it’s reality.

There’s little in this life I love as much as the extra syllable my 4yo daughter puts in “hamburger.”

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Random Thoughts: Supergirl and Letterman

Tuesday, May 26, 2015 7:52 am

So who are your top 25 GOP presidential primary candidates?

What I get from the Supergirl trailer controversy is that it’s not feminist to include things known to appeal to women.

I’d watch if they have over the top misogynist Superman. “Should call you Supper-girl, because you should be in the kitchen making my supper!”

The left feel they have a right to wield racism and sexism for the cause of “social justice.”

“Why’d you stop watching Game of Thrones?”
“Rape, murder, arson, and rape.”
“You said rape twice.
“I don’t like rape.”

Google Docs red-lined “Doctor” and asked “Did you mean ‘Docter’?” Did I go crazy?

My 2yo son bit me when I refused to help him with an iPad game. I admire his passion.

I used to stay up late and watch Letterman and then change channels to Conan. Haven’t watched any late night in ages, though.

My 4yo never gets my 80s movie references.

Surprised people settled where there are tornadoes. You’d think they’d take it as a signal to leave when the wind turns into a giant monster.

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Mad Men and Biker Gangs

Monday, May 18, 2015 8:06 am

So was the Black Widow movie sketch on SNL making fun of sexism or making fun of women for liking dumb romantic comedies over action movies?

Jeb Bush is the Schrödinger’s Cat of Iraq invasion.

If you’re upset about Mad Men ending, at least you have it’s spinoff to look forward to: Mad Max.

We obviously need to ban motorcycles. Smart Car drivers never form gangs.

The last Mad Men episode I saw was the one from the first season with the hobo. Will I be able to follow the finale?

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Random Thoughts: Blaming Obama and Trains

Thursday, May 14, 2015 8:14 am

There’s a lengthy review of my novel Superego at the SF magazine Perihelion.

Have some of you not bought my novel yet? Because that’s just weird.

The football throw guy cheated! He couldn’t throw the football as good as he throwed it!

How is all this police stuff news to everyone? If you ever watched an episode of Cops, they randomly murder like two people in each one.

I don’t follow as many women as men on Twitter, but in real life I stare at women more than men if that counts for anything.

Good way to end my 4yo’s questions and not look like bad guy:
“Why can’t I have ice cream for breakfast?”
“Because of a law President Obama passed.”

I keep confusing Liberty Mutual with the robot insurance people.

I think it would be really symbolic of our times if we increased funding for trains and took it out of space exploration.

Could Google make a self-driving train? Sounds a million times easier than a self-driving car.

I think we should just keep invading Iraq until we get it right.

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Random Thoughts: Black Widow, Britain, and Semicolons

Monday, May 11, 2015 8:12 am

Not much of a feminist, but it was disturbing how much emphasis there was in the Avengers movie on Black Widow making all the men sandwiches.

Not much of a feminist, but not sure about the scene where it’s revealed it’s the Black Widow’s time of the month and she out-rages the Hulk.

Not much of a feminist, but I’m not sure about that scene in Avengers where the Black Widow is disabled by a math question.

Britain has elections? I thought they just had joust tournaments to pick a new king.

Going back to JavaScript and C#, Swift has convinced me that semicolons are annoying and unnecessary.

I mean in programming; in writing, I love semicolons!

Remember when forgetting a semicolon led to the most cryptic errors? Now IDE’s are like “You forgot a semicolon.”

But if the IDE’s know where semicolons should be, just proves they aren’t really necessary in the first place.

I think a good solution to the poll problems in the British election is to label all future polling with “For entertainment purposes only.”

My almost 2yo has started asking “Why?” when I tell him to do something. Hey, buddy, you don’t have enough a vocabulary for reasoning.

It’s like when I ask him a question and he pauses to think of the answer. How many file folders could he possibly have to search through?

He know like maybe 100 words. How inefficient would his search engine have to be to need to think about anything?

There a word yet for news sites that are “satirical” but no one ever links to them because they’re funny but only because they got duped?

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Random Thoughts: The Simpsons, Hillary, and Mocking Religion

Thursday, May 7, 2015 8:07 am

It’s safe to say humanity in general is a good thing. I mean, dog’s really like us, and how could they and their wagging tails be wrong?

Ever since he killed off Anya like that, I don’t care what bad things happen to Joss Whedon.

I might like robocalls from politicians if it sounded like an actual robot was calling me — like Soundwave from the Decepticons.

The left seem determined to root out any liberalism left in its ranks.

At this point, I’m unlikely to watch a new episode of The Simpsons until the finale, so I’m looking forward to that.

What I’m most looking forward to is my kids being old enough to watch the first ten seasons with them.

“Classic Itchy & Scratchy! …What else is on?” That was me about 20 season into The Simpsons.

You can draw Jesus all you want and no one will try to murder you. Draw Jesus today!

Is it still considered a vegan meal if you stole it from a herbivore you murdered?

Hipsters celebrate Cinco de Aioli.

I was going to make fun of everyone doing those overdone “Cinco de Mayo/Mayonnaise” jokes, but then I thought of a good one.

The great thing about Hillary Clinton as a presidential candidate is that everyone already knows not to trust her.

The more disappointed you are by the winning presidential candidate, the less you’ll be let down later.

We all agree everyone should have the freedom to mock Islam — or any other religion or belief system — and not be murdered? Right?

In the new Community eps, I’m really liking the character Frankie and how she doesn’t quite exist in the same universe as the show.

In a way, she’s like an Abed in that she sorts breaks the fourth wall, but she does it as outsider instead of insider. #Community

I guess I should read the Constitution. Is there a version illustrated with GIFs from Firefly?

I’m just waiting for the grittier, more realistic reboot of Grimace. Related: What the hell is Grimace?

As a wise man once told me: “Don’t worry what Grimace is. Just be glad he’s on our side.”

Can we at least all agree that getting worked up over a non-Muslim drawing Muhammad is really stupid?

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