Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Accomplishments, Strategies, and Bacon Forgetting

Friday, August 29, 2014 9:12 am

So who exactly is the red dye numbering authority?

“They’re grrrrrreat! By the way, I’m not a tiger.”

1st book in the Game of Thrones series turned old enough to vote this month. It’ll be collecting social security before series is finished.

I’m just kidding; there won’t be any social security left for anyone by then.

Way things are going with all of Obama’s touted accomplishments, Osama bin Laden soon going to come out of the sea even aliver than before.

But who explains to the explainers?

So how scared should we be of problems with Russia? We took away their nukes when we won the Cold War, right?

Hillary: “Having thought on Ferguson for three weeks, I would like to say that bad things are bad and good things are good.”

I’ve never been a president of the United States before, but aren’t strategies for dealing with America’s enemies like job number one?

The president’s press conference cut to black at the end and it’s up to the viewer to decide whether or not he had a strategy.

So was the idea behind Vox that Media Matters needed more graphs?

It’s Obama’s directionless leadership that makes America’s enemies feel free to say things like, “Hello Kitty isn’t a cat.”

Gah! 5 Guys forgot my bacon again! I swear they forget more than they remember.

“5 Guys Who Can Never Remember the Bacon” they should be called.

I did it. Reported that 5 Guys. You forget my bacon a half dozen times, that’s it. Would have reported sooner except everyone there so nice.

I am not cool. I have never been cool. And I have no desire to be cool. That’s what makes me cool.

Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs seemed more an interactive story than a game. Nothing in it amounted to a challenge.

A few things in it seemed meant to be puzzles, but the solutions were all straightforward and required no searching or thought.

I was quite interested in the story, though, so I wasn’t bored by it.

Dear Esther was also interesting, but even much less a game than Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs.

Which isn’t to say things have to be games – just I was expecting a game with the Amnesia sequel and that wasn’t what it was.

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Random Thoughts: Cloud, Vox, and Hello Kitty

Thursday, August 28, 2014 9:13 am

Dropbox is now giving me 5 times as much space for 40% less in price. Yay competition!

Until upload speeds are much higher, it’s pretty hard to switch cloud drives when you have a lot of files, though.

I notice Apple isn’t even trying to compete on cloud pricing. 55GB for $100 year – can’t see anyone but biggest Apple loyalists pay that.

Ah, the free market. We’re constantly getting better products for cheaper prices while everyone else is waiting in line for bread.

The rich keep getting richer, and all we get in exchange are these boundless luxuries at constantly lowering prices.

So what percentage of gun deaths are children firing fully automatic weapons?

You can’t assert the genders in marriage are arbitrary but the numbers involved is somehow sacrosanct.

I’m kinda digging Vox as performance art.

David Chase told me they had Tony get shot between the eyes, but camera went dead and they couldn’t reset it.

I actually only watched through season 3 of Sopranos. I guess by missing the finale I literally missed nothing.

I wish Lost had just cut to black for its entire final episode.

I have to hand it to Vox: I’ve never seen clownish nonsense presented in such an aesthetically pleasing manner.

A fun thing to do if I was a political candidate would be to never be seen without an owl on my shoulder and never answer questions about it.

The best way for the NYTimes editorial board to explain any of their political decisions would be with three words: “We’re soulless hacks.”

Hello Kitty. Goodbye Sanity.

“Hello Kitty is people! It’s made out of people! Tell the world!”

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Random Thoughts: Swing Copters, Canada, and Feminism

Wednesday, August 27, 2014 9:23 am

Got a galley copy of my new book. See? I didn’t make it up.

I thought the new game from the maker of Flappy Birds was too hard to be addictive, but I was wrong.

The recent change to it to give some clear skies before the first obstacle helps you get in the rhythm of things.

Stings are in the hands of the bee holder.

There’s little more American than doing all you can to avoid paying taxes.

Dollars in the free market can flourish and reproduce, while dollars in the hands of the government get butchered.

If were losing businesses to Canada over taxes, then the problem is with us and not the businesses.

The country that remained loyal to our British oppressors somehow has better taxes. That’s not right.

I won’t believe you’re a feminist if you can’t demonstrate proper firearm usage.

Will feminism ever advance to the point I can tell my wife to kill the spider herself, or is that just being unrealistic?

Wasn’t one of the temptations in the desert Satan trying to get Jesus to recline His airplane seat?

“You deserve it. You did pay for the seat.”
“Get behind me, Satan!”

I don’t care about corporate taxes. I feel I’m getting a big enough benefit from Apple if they weren’t paying a dime of taxes.

Your benefit should come companies making great products at affordable prices. The taxes they pay are inconsequential in comparison.

The military is the one part of the government that functions well because it’s the only part actually meant to destroy things.

It’s become confusing what is and isn’t feminism. Easy rule: If you can imagine yourself taking it seriously, it’s probably not feminism.

If women aren’t getting equal pay for equal work, have they tried nagging?

Do you want equality, or do you want to run to the government every time you think you have a problem?

Have they found one actual instance of a woman getting 30% less for the same work, or is there just the bogus stat to repeat endlessly?

Why are only men expected to competently negotiate a salary? We have no idea what we’re doing either.

If you could actually pay women 30% less for the same work, men would never be able to find employment.

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Random Thoughts: Misogyny, Simpsons, and Partying

Monday, August 25, 2014 9:17 am

Richard Dawkins doesn’t want children to grow up to lead sad, miserable lives, but how would you know if a child would grow up to be him?

There’s a lot of racism you can get away with if you make it clear you’re for higher taxes and more government.

To help end misogyny, have women tried being nicer?

See, the joke itself makes a misogynistic assumption. If I have to explain the joke, that means it’s very intellectual and thus good.

Can’t believe I had to mansplain my misogyny joke.

All of America’s enemies getting together for a golf tournament would be a great end to the President Obama movie.

The Obama presidency is stupid, but I like to think of it as a uniquely American kind of stupid I can still take pride in.

One of these days I need to sit you all down and have a long chat on how awesome I am because I still think you don’t quite understand.

We all hate millennials, but we still have to work on making them productive so they can eventually pay for our entitlements.

I should be subjecting my children to the Simpsons marathon, but I don’t have cable.

So it’s a 12-day Simpsons marathon — that’s how many good days?

Really, the first ten or so season of The Simpsons have to be the single biggest influence on my sense of humor.

I remember having long conversations with friends that was nothing but quoting lines from The Simpsons.

One of these days I should do my top 100 Simpsons lines/moments, though it would be hard to cut down to that few.

The Simpsons gave me ten good seasons, and I continued to watch them for about ten seasons more.

Last late episode I remember really liking was the book heist one that had Neil Gaiman as a guest voice. Great end joke.

I remember the last season I watched being pretty decent, but it was like “Classic Itchy & Scratchy! … What else is on?”

Understanding ISIS is best left to anthropologists who dig up their bones a thousand years from now.

I hope they finally have Mr. T do a cameo on Doctor Who. “I pity the Who!”

The new game from the Flappy Bird creator is about a hundred times harder.

Swing Copters would be insanely hard without the swinging hammers. With them, it’s just ridiculous.

You can basically name any episode from the first ten seasons of The Simpsons and I can come up with a few funny lines from it.

Did they change the actor for who plays the main character in Doctor Who? Do they think they can do that and we won’t notice?

I remember when we had presidents who respected us enough to pretend to care.

Okay, I’ll finally ask: How does one “party”? Do you dance to loud music? What are the mechanics of it?

I haven’t followed music in a while. Who is the popular new band now? Beck?

Autotune was made to help ease us into all music being computer generated.

If you actually remember when MTV mainly just played music videos, then you’re way too old to be watching MTV.

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Random Thoughts: Harry Potter and Bicyclists

Friday, August 22, 2014 9:12 am

Isn’t the whole country a free-speech zone?

Harry Potter stamps? What’s a British person doing on US stamps? OBAMA!!! *shakes fist*

So how many bicyclists are people who can’t afford cars and how many are just sociopaths?

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Random Thoughts: Isolationism, Unarmed People, and Dawkins

Thursday, August 21, 2014 9:02 am

American presidents are at their Americaniest when confronting evil.

The U.S. is really isolationist until we decide there are bastards in need of killin’, which is constantly.

If you want America to be less involved, the rest of the world needs to stop being a bunch of bastards we need to kill.

I still don’t understand the ice bucket thing.

People with guns, stop shooting unarmed people. Unarmed people, stop trying to beat up people with guns.

One day scientists need to determine how we can explain to a dog that a doorbell renders their barking completely unnecessary.

A completely logical universe would be absolute nothingness. Instead we got this weirdness.

Instead of shooting to kill, why don’t cops just roundhouse kick people like Walker Texas Ranger?

A good example of a purely logical being would be a computer not running any programs.

So the idea behind Richard Dawkins is that it’s very appealing to hear about how flawed religion is from a complete sociopath?

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Random Thoughts: Free Speech and Mugshots

Wednesday, August 20, 2014 9:15 am

We still have free speech in this country. You just might have to speak while a guy in body armor points a rifle at you. For your safety.

For all we white people knew, black people were perfectly happy. In their neighborhood over there. The one we avoid.

What is the practical need for the mugshot? Are they afraid they’ll grab the wrong guy, thinking he’s the governor?

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Random Thoughts: Marijuana, Stalin, and NYTimes

Tuesday, August 19, 2014 9:18 am

Apparently the galleys went out for my new book. Not sure to whom. If you have one, you are of the lucky few.

I’ve never smoked marijuana, but I once smelled some at a Dave Matthews concert and then immediately I wanted to punch a cop.

Is the pope using his infallibility when he says, “Kill the bastards!”?

Maybe we could solve things if we are all just angrier about how we’re sure we’re right.

As Josef Stalin said, “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a hashtag.”

Josef Stalin never actually said anything like that death of millions quote often attributed to him. STOP SLANDERING JOSEF STALIN!

Wow, you can almost feel how painful it is for them to overcome their partisanship to have a modicum of integrity.

I’m guessing first draft ended with “Even so, he’s an icky Republican and we don’t like him. Ew.”

I’m writing a column. I haven’t done one in a while, which isn’t fair to all of you.

You all deserve to have my opinions. And I deserve to be paid for them.

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Random Thoughts: Ferguson, Rick Perry, and Magneto

Monday, August 18, 2014 9:20 am

I follow A LOT of conservatives. How am I missing all the angry racists who like black kids being shot?

It’s actually pretty scary how a hateful, racist right-winger lives in every left-winger’s head.

Maybe there’s a reason the Ferguson police department waited so long to put out information, but it doesn’t seem like that was very helpful.

There are two witnesses saying Michael Brown had his hands up while being shot. That he’s a robbery suspect doesn’t put an end to this.

And even if it ends up being a textbook shooting, there are now other issues at play here with the police response afterward.

Why are libertarians silent on how big government is?

Why aren’t vegans saying anything about how they are vegans?

Why won’t Al Sharpton ever bring up the issue of race?

Why has John Kerry never mentioned he served in Vietnam?

Why don’t the Democrats ever bring up the Koch brothers?

Why is Hamas never saying anything about Israel?

If you think science is an alternative to religion, you’re pretty ignorant about the scope of either.

I could never be a spy because I have an allergy to cyanide tablets.

You can indict politicians for abuse of power? Why aren’t they all in prison?

I mean, I do assume Perry is a crook. He is a politician.

This Perry indictment/crazed, drunken DA thing is a wee bit wacky.

So are Rob Ford and Lehmberg single? Because I have a crazy idea…

Dems hate Rick Perry because he’s a Republican governor of a state with high job growth. Everything else is justification after the fact

The left hate whoever’s a threat to their political power. Charges of racism, etc are just things they come up with after hate already there.

The left lack an ideology insofar they’re simply mired in silly tribalism.

All partisans are like that, but prominent with the left since they’ve been so defensive with a Dem in the presidency.

If Magneto’s power was magnetism, he could make metal fly to or away from him. What he has is magical metal controlling powers.

If you don’t #StandWithRickPerry, it’s probably because you’re falling down drunk.

I remain optimistic that white/black, left/right we can find a way to move forward together. It’s not really America without all of us.

Watching an old Dr. Who where the Doctor ends up in a parallel universe where all the doppelgängers lack facial hair.

I’m not comfortable with the police having as much firepower as I do.

People of all races need to learn to work together to preserve the patriarchy.

Thinking earplugs are rubber bullets is a mistake any excitable four-year-old could make.

The knockout game does sound like something racists made up. Is it a real thing?

Shakespeare is crap. No one actually talks like that.

I don’t care what horrible things white people have done in the past; it’s asking too much to expect them to take Al Sharpton seriously.

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Random Thoughts: Ferguson, Obama, and Iraq

Friday, August 15, 2014 9:00 am

Reminder: If you want the media’s help in holding your elected officials accountable, make sure they’re all Republican.

We need a militarized police to make sure everyone buys health insurance.

My twitter feed is primarily the right saying how awful police abuses are in Ferguson and the left saying the right are ignoring Ferguson.

You’ll never hear the right comment on things if you don’t actually know anyone on the right.

I don’t know why Pauline Kael got all that criticism; I don’t know anyone who voted for Nixon either. That was like a hundred years ago.

So has anyone in the media figured out how to blame the Ferguson on Republicans or are they still working on that?

Maybe the president is planning a short, honest speech. “I don’t really care about this.”

Anyone think of getting Obama a digital watch? Maybe he doesn’t know how to read an analog one and that’s why he’s always late.

This is big government. The whole point of big government is that it’s big and scary so you have to do what it says.

Liberty and distrust of big government is not just for white males.

I’m just happy when the president doesn’t make things worse.

I have to say, the Obama presidency has been very educational to a lot of different people in a lot of different ways.

The president is trying to lead by example. Everyone in Ferguson is supposed to drop everything and go golfing.

If you don’t hear the right talking about Ferguson, you really need to clean the epistemic closure out of your ears.

Progressive philosophy is forcefully take money and power from the people and throw it to the govt assuming only good people will catch it.

Will I ever stop feeling guilty about how in 2002 I went out and socialized on Friday nights instead of staying home watching Firefly?

Iraq has been consistently rated by US presidents as one of the top spots to invade.

“I promise that there will be no more boots-on-the-ground in Iraq. Wait… do uggs count?”

An important principle to always remember: The government only has the ability to give insofar as it has the ability to take.

Everyone in the police is out of control; CSIs are going to funerals and making quips about dead people they’re not even investigating.

The left’s belief that conservatives are motivated by racism is a religious tenet and thus there is no logically arguing against it.

There seems like a lot the left and the right can come together on about Ferguson. Maybe we should stop jabbing each other in the eye.

Eh. Probably not.

What’s happening in Ferguson is really making me question the wisdom of making a Robocop.

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Random Thoughts: Hate, Magnets, and Obama

Thursday, August 14, 2014 9:00 am

Can’t all races just come together and hate hipsters or something?

I’m really rooting for Obama to turn things around and become a good president these last two year. It’ll make a great story.

We really should reexamine the idea of letting the government have access to guns.

Let’s not politicize the upcoming election.

I made an unfolded hyperpyramid out of my highly illegal magnet toys.

I have to keep resisting the urge to swallow the tiny, powerful magnets.

Well, I’m not racist, so this sorta sounds like everyone else’s problem.

Thought way to check if mute is on in a conference call is to shout profanities at whoever is speaking, but I guess others do it differently.

Everything a police officer does on duty should be videotaped. And everything a legislator does 24/7.

These police officers seem to have as good a grasp of what’s legal as Obama does of what’s Constitutional.

If we give the government all the guns, money, and power and elect lots of progressives, everything will be okay.

“I want all the worst aspects of George W. Bush, but in a different color.” -2008 voters

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Random Thoughts: The Police, Smarts, and Tiny People

Wednesday, August 13, 2014 9:00 am

If we don’t militarize the police, it won’t be able to stop people from using the wrong light bulbs or selling really large sodas.

For the last five years the country has been run by a guy who thought Joe Biden was smart.

How about instead of using tax dollars to make bicycle paths, we use the money toward getting all those poor people cars.

If Obama were in the Senate at the time, he would have voted for the Iraq War. The guy is no profile in courage.

Are there any stats on how foreign policy crises affect the president’s golf score?

It’s violently ripping apart a tiny human; the reasons for opposition to abortion aren’t exactly a mystery.

You can argue the violent ripping apart of the tiny human is justified, but don’t pretend it’s hard to understand why people don’t like that.

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Random Thoughts: Divided Country, Wolverine, and Robin Williams

Tuesday, August 12, 2014 9:00 am

In the Far East, they don’t have just Chinatowns but whole China-cities.

All animals other than humans are atheists. And they’re constantly killing each other and pooping on things.

Unless the two sides are actively shooting each other, the country has been more divided than it is today.

Can you imagine a violent conflict between the right and left in this country? Hard to imagine that lasting longer than a weekend.

I mean the right has all the guns and most of the military. Just seems like if that civil war ever started, be a predetermined end.

“Hey, 1980s called, and–”
“Wait, the call is coming from inside the house! Get out of there before Ayatollah Khomeini gets you!”

The craziest thing about homeschooling his how insanely angry and fearful some people get about it.

Obama isn’t that bad of president as long as you’re not just comparing him American presidents.

Better name for Wolverine: Cat-Weed. Because he has retractable claws like a cat and can regenerate from massive damage like a weed. Cat-Weed.

I’m one of those who found it fashionable to rag on Robin Williams’ comedy as of late, but he was the definition of funny when I was a kid.

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Random Thoughts: Iraq, the 80s, and Nixon

Monday, August 11, 2014 9:00 am

So is this a third Iraq war? Kind of a small country for us to have this many wars with it.

Why do the ninja turtles look like the Hulk with a shell strapped to his back?

I grew up in the 80s. Despite nuclear threats from the Soviet Union, we felt safe and secure because we had Mr. T.

Someone needs to explain to Square Enix optimal game pricing for iOS.

Breaking Bad is not overrated. The only way to overrate it is to actively worship it.

Does it make me a neocon that I want our military to murder the crap out of ISIS?

So is aioli just hipster mayo?

Are people who would drink from urinals really the ones we want to protect from harm? And what’s chance of literacy?

I don’t like imagining world peace because it disturbs me imagining killing that many people.

The difference between Obama and Nixon is that Nixon was occasionally competent.

“Hey, Jake, do remember how your girlfriend was shot by police in Chinatown yesterday?”
*sighs* “No. I had forgotten that.”
“Okay. Good.”

How often does rioting lead to good things?

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Random Thoughts: Power, Hamas, and Obamacare

Friday, August 8, 2014 9:00 am

“Half of politicians are idiots. Give them all less money and power.” -the right
“Half of politicians are evil idiots. Give them all more money and power.” -the left

Al Qaeda has distanced itself from Amash’s belligerent victory speech.

Since Vox is targeted at partisan left-wingers who aren’t too bright and need news explained to them, is main competition The Daily Show?

Carter wants the US to recognize Hamas? Don’t we already recognize them as a terrorist group?

You really start to notice the narrative flaws in Frozen on the 18th viewing.

Obamacare has increased mental health coverage, which is mainly used by people in HR who have to deal with Obamacare.

“I guess that’s poetic justice,” Robert Frost said, a smoking .44 magnum in his hand as Scorpio lay dead where two roads diverged in a wood.

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Random Thoughts: Null

Wednesday, August 6, 2014 9:00 am

I have no random thoughts. Perhaps it’s happened as I always feared: I’ve ran out of clever things to say for good. Every day I always think, “That’s the last clever thing I’ll ever come up with.” and maybe now it’s finally come true. If so, it’s been a good run. Well, it’s been an okay run.

It’s been a run.

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Random Thoughts: Humor, Racial Appeals, and Ebola

Tuesday, August 5, 2014 9:00 am

Conservative humor isn’t funny because we’re always picking on weaker, oppressed groups like the president and the government.

I’m awfully clever. I should probably mention that in my bio so people know.

The Republican Party doesn’t win whites by making racial appeals as much as the Democrats lose whites by making racial appeals.

Whites have a bad history with racial appeals.

If racism were to suddenly disappear tomorrow, it’s not the Republican Party that would be hurt.

It’s my job as a journalist to afflict the comfortable, which is why I’m always getting thrown out of the La-Z-Boy showroom.

It’s not my job as a journalist to report the facts. Or at least, I don’t do that. I might not be a journalist.

Always be suspicious if anyone you meet in real life as there are no blue check marks there.

I want to be lectured about science and rationality by people who honestly thought Occupy Wall Street was going to amount to something.

If you were ever an enthusiastic Obama supporter, you’ve given up pretending you care about evidence.

Obama 2009: “I promise that not every one in this country will die from Ebola.” All of his promises have an expiration date.

iPhones make it so much easier/ironic to complain to the world about capitalism.

It’s time to admit that the right and left are each right about some things, and moderates are right about nothing and are just annoying.

If there were people in Texas launching thousands of rockets at Mexico, we’d probably put a stop to that.

Summer Bank Holiday? So in UK, don’t even bother trying to justify a holiday? They just go, “Banks are closed!”

What’s so hard about working at a bank that they need all these holidays? If you need to blow off some steam, just roll around in the money.

If you don’t feel 100% today, it’s probably Ebola.

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Random Thoughts: NES, Hamas, and Equality

Monday, August 4, 2014 9:00 am

I grew up much tougher than kids these days. Ever seen how hard old NES games were?

Maybe the left could win the debate if they cried racism more.

Do you think anyone ever went to the Supreme Court and was disappointed a bunch judges came out to the bench instead of The Supremes?

So here’s the thing I don’t get about the Israel situation: Is it just unreasonable to expect Hamas to not mindlessly fire rockets?

People on Israel’s side expect adult behavior from both. People on Palestinian side seem to expect adult behavior from only one.

Is the pro-Palestinian side racist against the Palestinians and don’t think they can be held to the same standard as Israelis?

Don’t mindlessly fire rockets at people. And if someone near you is, put a stop to that. Is that too much to ask of fellow human beings?

So can we men explain to the female Justices what they don’t understand — like apparently the concept of rights?

I’m a man, and I’m up for some major splainin’!

Trailer for the latest Christopher Nolan movie doesn’t make it look very fun… but I thought that for last 3 of his movies which I loved.

The trailers always make his movies look so self-serious like they’re going to be really boring dramas.

TRAVEL GUIDE: “If going to the East, go to either the easternmost part of the East or the western part of the East. But stay out of middle.”

In the U.S., we’re used to the people who want to kill us living very far away. In Israel, they’re a stones throw away throwing stones.

Is equality a religious concept? Doesn’t seem to have rational basis as evolution has no interest in making everyone equal.

Equality seems to rely a lot on the concept of the soul – an eternal part of us that is equal despite outward, superficial differences.

Since the left believe in science, is there good example of them abandoning a belief and joining with the right because science said so?

It has to be tough for Obama being the first president ever to have to deal with an opposition party.

Did we check if Hamas even knows how to cease fire?

I hope when the next Game of Thrones book comes out it starts with a “previously on” section that reminds me what I read 20 years ago.

My computer caught eBola.

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Random Thoughts: Impeachment, Parental Neglect, and Jesse Ventura

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 9:00 am

WH:”GOP not mentioning it, but discussing impeachment secretly. Saw some go into room that was for men only. Prolly to discuss impeachment.”

I believe we can get Hamas to agree to a ceasefire if they are all dead.

So basically all our parents would be arrested for neglect by today’s standards.

DSCC is sending out 2 mailers:
One to Dems: “GOP thinking of impeaching Obama!”
One to Republicans: “You should think of impeaching Obama.”

2008: “Hope and change!”
2014: “Maybe I can bait the Republicans into impeaching me to halt my cratering popularity.”

Did you know that Barack HUSSEIN Obama has never specifically promised to not murder all Americans?

Can’t another Navy SEAL punch Jesse Ventura in the face to make sure the story is true?

It’s nice how Hulu lets you choose which ad experience you prefer just like Zuul let the Ghostbusters choose their destroyer.

Did you know that the Germans have fifty words for “scowl” but no word for “happy”?

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Random Thoughts: Angry Feminists, Rathergate, and Hamas

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 9:00 am

I know I said before that this transgender stuff about having a “female mind” has to fly in the face of feminists.

Really feels like the left should have worked harder at coming up with a coherent story before yelling “bigot” at others.

I’d love to write a movie about Rathergate with the premise the documents were real, but would need to be a comedy and involve time travel.

Could we get Israel to agree to some sort of ceasefire where Hamas gets to keep firing rockets at them?

“Let’s push the sea into the Jews.” -innovative member of Hamas who’s trying to shift the paradigm and think outside the box

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