Archive for the ‘Random Thought’ Category

Random Thoughts: Commies, Fewer, and Elizabeth Warren

Thursday, April 24, 2014 9:00 am

Each year, fewer and fewer people get to experience the American Dream (strangling a Commie).

How can you expect us who grew up seeing “10 Items or Less” lanes to always remember the fewer/less distinction?

Let’s see if I can do this right: I have less esteem for people who freak out about mixing up the less/fewer distinction.

I’ll probably be in the top 1% one day; I just seem like that sort of guy. I’ll tell you what it’s like.

A platypus would be the ultimate proof of evolution if there was supposed to be a missing link between a duck and a badger.

Let’s all stop arguing which side are the real fascists and just do what I say before I put you all in prison.

You know who eliminated inequality? The Borg. It started with a minimum wage increase and eventually free will was eradicated.

Instead of wearing lab coats, why don’t scientists just turn up the lab’s thermostat?

When I was kid, I used to like to burn ants with a magnifying glass because they’re Communists.

If it we’re for the 2nd Amendment, we’d have only had 9 amendments. Which would be a weird number.

My dream is to be a very rich advocate against economic inequality.

I’d be for changing the 1st Amendment if we can clarify that whining is not speech and will get you deported.

Elizabeth Warren doesn’t want to end economic inequality. She’d stab you in the eye with a fork if you tried to make her live on your salary.

How are people not seeing that Elizabeth Warren is an obvious big phony? She’s John Edwards 2.0.

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Random Thoughts: Earth Day, Intellectuals, and MST3K

Wednesday, April 23, 2014 9:00 am

If there was a study saying free speech is harmful, no one would listen to it… if you’re wondering why no one listens to your gun study.

The problem with all these racist things to fight racism is that none of them seem to have an exit strategy.

So Earth Day is the day we get all jingoistic about the planet we just happened to be born on. Whatever, idiots.

Mars is my favorite planet. Not Earth. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Earth doesn’t even make my top three.

Don’t tell Netflix, but yes I would pay quite a bit more than $7.99 a month for their service.

Don’t the angry, radical feminists know they’re going about attracting a man all wrong?

We can solve everything by just having the government push more people around.

We’re too afraid of failure anymore to risk that in order to achieve success.

There should be a special day where we only say nice things to each other on the internet. But only that day.

If white people are left unchecked, they could eventually gentrify the entire world.

So has anyone done a Twitter death hoax for someone who actually died years ago?

The supposed defenders of our rights in the courts are often profound idiots writing pages and pages on why 2 + 2 = 5.

Part of being an “intellectual.” Can’t be smart arguing 2+2=4 because everyone knows that, so you need to pick another position.

The Democrats will go wild in the presidential debates every time Hillary uses her rebuttal of, “What? Speak up, sonny.”

I guess MST3K isn’t for everyone. Not everyone gets… humor.

For instance, Data from Star Trek the Next Generation would be very confused by MST3K.

If climate change is so true, then how come the people most loudly warning about it are so full of crap?

I hope when Jack Bauer returns next month he has some ideas to get the economy going again.

I’m glad Ronald Reagan shot Lenin. That’s why we made him president.

Probably the most tragic presidential death was FDR, who a tearful Truman had to shoot to keep him from turning into a werewolf.

FACT: The Democrat Party was invented to destroy America from the inside. They failed with the Civil War; been more subtle since.

That is a FACT (all caps). No real historian disputes it.

FACT: You can only put the word “fact” in all caps if the fact is undisputed.

The one question libertarians never have a good answer to is if we don’t have a government, how are we going to fight the war on drugs?

There has actually been more instances of kids throwing knives at each other since they stopped teaching knife throwing in school.

You only ever hear about all the bad stuff Dr. Doom does, but apparently he’s a very sought after OBGYN.

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Random Thoughts: Hillary’s Age and Two Americas

Tuesday, April 22, 2014 9:00 am

Maybe we need to be a little more discriminating about what we’re tolerant about.

Hillary doesn’t look any older than what Senator Palpatine was when he ran for president.

If we split America into poor man’s America and rich man’s America, we could really reduce inequality within each of those two Americas.

Or did we already do that with the North/South America thing?

Gangsters ruined pinstriped suits. You can’t wear a pinstriped suit while holding a Tommy gun without someone thinking you’re a gangster.

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Random Thoughts: Literacy, Hillary, and Hitler

Monday, April 21, 2014 9:00 am

We have near 100% literacy, but long ago, literacy used to be rare. And I bet blog comment sections were a lot more intelligent back then.

What was the hard choice that Hillary made? Whether to stick with her sexually abusive husband because it helped her political career?

Paul Krugman considers carefully the opinions of everyone in his sensory deprivation chamber.

Hate it when you notice nails need trimming but forget to do it before you go out the door and spend rest of day feeling like Freddy Krueger

Pretty much everyone is an extremist. We shouldn’t trust anyone. Even ourselves. I have no idea what I’m talking about.

We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal and that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

So it was global warming that caused the flood, and it wasn’t God that warned Noah about it but climate scientists.

He knew all your faults. All your failures. The darkness in your soul you never admitted to anyone. And His reaction was to die for you.

Science can find answers to all the questions except the important ones.

I shutdown my computer to try and be more productive, but it didn’t work at my programming job :(

I’m not sure how this will affect her presidential campaign, but doctors say Hillary Clinton is suffering from the early stages of oldness.

I wouldn’t want to be a king because then I’d just constantly worry about my crown molding.

Snowden seems like a bit of a useful idiot. I’m just not quite sure useful to whom.

Hillary would go into the presidential race with much more experience than Obama had at being a blank cipher.

I just looked up Hitler on Wikipedia and he was not a nice guy. I’m sorry I compared you all to him.

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Random Thoughts: Jeb Bush, Being Rational, and White Privilege

Friday, April 18, 2014 9:00 am

I think we’re on our way to “racist” becoming a meaningless epithet.

Jeb Bush may not run because of family issues, the main family issue being that his family is named “Bush.”

Hearing MMFA is in a conflict with SEIU over unionization, there is an urge to laugh and mock. There is no moral reason to resist this urge.

The left should spend less time arguing they’re the rational, reasonable ones and more time being rational and reasonable.

White privilege isn’t real; I tried jumping ahead of a bunch of minorities in line by yelling, “White privilege!” and it didn’t work at all.

I do get discounts at a lot of grocery stores just for being white, though. Or maybe it’s for having their savings card. I forget.

When whites are no longer the majority, we should team up with blacks to form a majority coalition and discriminate against the other races.

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Random Thoughts: Stolen Joke, Opposition to Abortion, and Mustaches

Thursday, April 17, 2014 9:00 am

How Frozen Should Have Ended is quite funny… because they stole my joke!

I’m the only possible person who could have come up with that joke.

I’d rant against income inequality for $25,000 a month.

Opposition to abortion stems from it involving ripping apart a tiny human. It’s not that hard to understand, really.

Pretending anything other than the dislike of ripping apart tiny humans is central to the opposition of abortion just makes you an idiot.

You can say, “I disagree that ripping apart tiny humans is a big deal,” but just understand that that’s central to the argument.

The main thing that distinguishes humans from the other apes is the ability to grow a mustache.

We’re going to spend $600 million on job training for the president? Will that be enough?

Evolution: “You may have thought dinosaurs were fearsome before, but now I’ve given them a few upgrades.”
*out walks a chicken*

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Random Thoughts: Bundy, Tax Collectors, and Being a Liberal

Wednesday, April 16, 2014 9:00 am

Not really sure why we need Vox’s explanatory journalism when we already have Media Matters and Jay Carney.

I had a Bachelors in Science, but then I got married.

I don’t really get the Bundy thing. Can’t he just hold his meetings of NO MA’AM somewhere else?

When the college tuition bubble bursts, we’ll have people holding up signs saying, “Will talk nonsense about race and gender for food.”

I consider the taxes taken from me as paying for my right to complain, and I will get my money’s worth.

The reason I like a mugger over a tax collector is that a mugger never acts like you’re supposed to thank him.

Steps to being a liberal:
1. Declare yourself the rational, reality-based one
2. Make only emotion-based arguments

There’s nothing sadder/cuter than an asylum for criminally insane babies.

Is there any good metric for measuring the military’a efficiency? Like dollars spent versus dollars of damage done?

So Mike Bloomberg knows as much about Christianity as he does about guns.

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Random Thoughts: Game of Thrones and Rich People Against Income Inequality

Tuesday, April 15, 2014 9:00 am

That Joffrey chap seemed pretty awful, but at least he never tried to mess with Westeros’s health care.

There’s so many characters in GoT and it’s often hard to distinguish them. For instance, there’s 3 different guys in it named Bob Sacamano.

According to a poll, 35% say Obama is mixed race, 22% say he’s black, and 43% say he’s an idiot.

Sad day for Arya/Joffrey shippers.

The secret to all the weird stuff in the Resident Evil games is to realize that everyone in it is constantly munching on “herbs.”

So has the Game of Thrones TV series gotten to the part with the creator of the ice wall, Elsa, or is that spoilers?

GoT TV show watchers won’t have to worry about spoilers after this season since there’s nothing in books 4 or 5 worth spoiling.

Bet people are going to be happy we never shut down Gitmo when they start discussing where to send that Dutch girl.

You will find little in this universe more dishonest than rich people denouncing income inequality.

“One Weird Trick to Make People Think You’re Weird and Tricky”

Marty McFly should’ve disappeared as soon as he ran into his parents in the past; alter timing even slightly, completely different children.

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Random Thoughts: Dumb + Angry and Soviet Propaganda

Monday, April 14, 2014 9:00 am

A functional media’s political coverage would be nothing but constant reminders that all politicians are idiots who shouldn’t be trusted.

7 million signed up for Obamacare – 6 million lost coverage =/= 40 million without coverage now insured

There I go, foolishly trying to apply math to a government program.

I did a reverse Colbert shtick promoting my book “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.” It’s surprisingly easy.

Well, easy compared to when I tried to do radio interviews straight and could never think of what to say.

So if you run a country, you get a free portrait painted by George W. Bush?

So when do you start being an adult? 40?

So far “explanatory journalism” just seems like a new varnish on soulless, partisan hackery.

If you’re upset about Condi and how she increased surveillance, there’s a really bad current president you should pay attention to.

A lot of election strategy can be explained with this simple equation: Dumb + Angry = Votes

When you see a new outrage, ask yourself: “If this a real issue or primarily to get dumb people angry?” It’s almost always the latter.

Oh, and when I say “dumb people,” I really just mean “people.”

When it comes to politics, we’re all idiots.

I don’t think it’s rational to have an irrational faith in there being a rational explanation to everything, but people are irrational.

I’m still waiting for Harry Reid to tell me what’s the connection between Heartbleed and the Koch brothers.

Three words that can fix Article III of the Constitution: “No Stevens allowed.”

Can you believe whether or not our rights will be infringed lay on the opinion of that boob? What idiocy led to this?

How in the world did the makers of automobiles think of the need for glove storage before the need for cup holders?

Maybe I should leverage my video game skills to make my profile sound better. “Achievement-winning columnist.”

Putting up Soviet propaganda posters in your home is a lot like putting up Nazi propaganda posters except it’s just as bad.

When did we decide that the millions killed by Nazis is the epitome of evil but the millions killed by Communists is kinda cute?

Great minds think alike; mediocre minds are nearly indistinguishable.

I thought steampunks were bullies who hang out in saunas.

“Ha! More like FAUX News!” -clever person who is probably very informed about current events

Communism is a great idea if you don’t like capitalism, economic inequality, or people in general.

We’re all going to die from global warming somewhere between 10 and 500,000,000 years from now.

Probably should just find another planet — one that’s not so whiny.

When in journalism school do they teach you how to pick appropriate animated GIFs?

The easiest way to beat a T. Rex is to get it in some venue where it’s forced to stick to Marquess of Queensberry rules.

“Grandfather, everyone had clocks on the wall like this?”
“They were needed way back when since TV shows only came on at certain times.”

The new Doctor Who is quite good, but the first season is a bit of a barrier to entry.

Don’t think I really got into the series until the 6th episode which introduced the Daleks.

I was really just starting to like Christopher Eccleston’s doctor when he departs the series. Hard to beat David Tennant, though (though Matt Smith makes an admirable try).

Actually, I really like Matt Smith’s more alien portrayal of him, but I am looking forward to the next to finally get an older Doctor.

In 6th season now. Apparently everything Steven Moffat pens is pure gold (goes for Sherlock, too).

Well, when wife and I run out of new episodes, there will still be 26 seasons of classic Doctor Who to check out.

Mad Men is still going? You’d think they’d be caught up to present day by now.

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Random Thoughts: Women’s Work, Vox, and Sebelius

Friday, April 11, 2014 9:00 am

If you really can get away with paying women 23% less for the exact same work, why does anyone hire men?

The after-lunch coffee is one of the most important coffees of the day.

When will the left admit that the reason they have so much extra hate for Condoleezza Rice is because she’s black?

Big stock market crash yesterday out of fear Sebelius is going into the private sector.

Luckily, the damage Sebelius did cost us only 77% as much as a male incompetent.

There should be an article on Vox explaining what’s the difference between them and OFA.

Where do I get a more detailed description of what the Heartbleed exploit is because so far I haven’t been able to get anyone’s passwords.

“Explanatory journalism” is such an unwieldy phrase; why doesn’t Vox just say “spin”?

Now Sebelius will be free to help vulnerable Democrats campaign on Obamacare.

Kathleen Sebelius was the Secretary of HHS? And here I just assumed it was a deranged hobo.

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Random Thoughts: Captain America, Archie, and Unequal Pay

Thursday, April 10, 2014 9:00 am

It would be a great idea for a moisturizing cream to do a Captain America 2 tie-in. “Hail Hydration”

I always make fun of Obama for having no accomplishments, but it sounds like he finally hunted down and killed Archie.

So do they have even one actual example of a man and woman doing equal work but getting paid differently?

Being a Christian is like being in a movie where you got spoilers that everything turns out all right in the end.

If you buy into the 77% statistic Obama keeps lying about, you’re an idiot and deserve to be paid less.

To equalize things, Obama’s bill would have given every woman a 23% raise (a woman did the math).

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Random Thoughts: Programming People and Feminism

Wednesday, April 9, 2014 9:00 am

Reportedly, it took God billions of years tinkering around with programming before he finally got a creature to say, “Hello world.”

No, wait, it was just six days. Bet He did most of it on the fifth day’s night, too.

How do you tell if your baby is putting his mouth on everything out of curiosity or if he has rabies and is attacking everything?

“I would theoretically treat a woman with respect if one would ever talk to me.”

Sorry, but I need sammiches more than I need feminism.

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Random Thoughts: G.I. Joe, Big Government, and Letterman

Monday, April 7, 2014 9:00 am

The Community last week is definitely must see if you grew up watching the GI Joe cartoons.

I thought it was going to be homage to GI Joe; didn’t realize they worked with Hasbro to put in all the actual GI Joe characters.

Here’s the opening from the GI Joe Community.

If you’re going to have a big government, it’s going to end up in every aspect of your life. That’s the nature of the beast.

It’s not about civil rights. It’s about controlling people.

These unmutable Noah ads have to be against something in the Bible.

The great thing about the gay marriage debate is that you get to be hateful bigot no matter what side you’re on.

I think it’s past time for the first robot late night host. #LettermanReplacement

Whatever happened to color bars coming on screen at a certain hour? Bring about test patterns! #LettermanReplacement

Lots of weird things in Dr. Who, but was this episode where everyone in UK was certain Obama was going to end the recession with a speech.

When you have a self-propelled mower and the self-propelled part breaks down, it just becomes a really hard to push mower.

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Random Thoughts: Gay Marriage Bullies and Mr. Rogers

Friday, April 4, 2014 9:00 am

It’s really hard to fat-shame cats, but I’ll never stop trying.

The other late night hosts should all pull pranks on old man Letterman.

So in the time of Noah, everyone died from the rain? Not one person had an umbrella?

The biggest thing holding minorities back is not bringing up white privilege enough.

So are the bigots the ones trying to bully certain opinions out of the public arena or the other ones?

Where did the religious nuts come up with the man/woman combination for marriage anyway?

If you have a rational, coherent argument for gay marriage, then you don’t need to bully and silence everyone who disagrees.

Problem is with gay marriage, is it’s been mainly an emotional argument — successful, but more emotional than rational.

Part of that is there is nothing really rational about marriage. It is a religious ceremony at its heart.

It all seems less and less about civil right and more about being able to punish people who disagree.

There little respect for the spirit of free speech. We should value dissenting opinions, not crush them.

If you think there’s no argument for the concept of marriage that’s been the norm for thousands of years, you have a small mind.

You can disagree with the concept of traditional marriage, but to act like there is no argument for it is pure idiocy.

Problem with self-driving cars is that when two of them stop next to each other at a stoplight, their algorithms end up in a race condition.

Repeatedly told my daughter today not to be bossy. I banned her being bossy.

Found out that Amazon Prime has Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, so goodbye all you new children’s show crap.

She actually really likes Mr. Rogers. Says it reminds her of Daniel Tiger :(

How do I explain to her that compared to Mr. Rogers, Daniel Tiger is but the shadows on the cave wall?

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Random Thoughts: Koch Brothers, Stinkburger, and Arming the Military

Thursday, April 3, 2014 9:00 am

Why are people against the Koch brothers? Can’t the Koch brothers just spend more money and change those opinions?

Now that Chick-fil-A has become the number one fast food chicken restaurant, Hardee’s is unveiling the “Traditional Marriage Burger.”

Never got why people are so mad at the people donating lots of money rather than the idiots who are influenced by 30 second ads.

Since the Bell Curve said Asians have the highest natural intelligence, doesn’t that make Charles Murray an Asian Nationalist?

Don’t like money in politics. Don’t like power in politics. I like politics to be a stupid little sideshow I don’t need to pay attention to.

“Your mom’s a stinkburger.” -appropriate GOP response

The more money you have, the more speech you can have. And hamburgers.

So what are the limits on much money the NYTimes can spend on promoting Democrats?

And why again is everyone unarmed on a military base?

So what were the security changes at Ft. Hood since the last shooting?

Wish we had more honest debate where people actually spoke against freedom – not pretending to like it while being frivolous with government force.

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Random Thoughts: April 1st, War on Science, and British Pronunciations

Wednesday, April 2, 2014 9:00 am

April 1st is a great day for Obama to announce that Obamacare has met all its goals.

Make everyday April Fools Day in that you look at everything on the internet with extreme skepticism.

“Is that funny?” -common question from my 3yo daughter. At what age do I teach her how to read her audience?

I hope my employer never realizes that minimum wage is much much lower than what they pay me.

“That was legend…” *wait 9 years for it* “…sucky.” #HIMYM

Stop taking the president’s speech so seriously; check the date.

I thought I lost the plan I liked and am paying more, but apparently everything is going great and I’m confused,

Think of all the good government can do simply with threats of fines and imprisonment.

How do you even know when you win a War On Science? Do magic and dragons come back?

So I’m a little confused: We were only 7 million away from universal health care coverage?

So did we ever find out what WWI was about? I guess it’s in a history book somewhere. Anyone find that book and read it?

How I Met the Footnote

What I’ve learned from Doctor Who is that the British pronounce really random words oddly.

Most random so far — patent is pronounced pay-tent.

And going from how they pronounce “schedule,” school isn’t pronounced “shul” is it?

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Random Thoughts: Truth to Power, OWS, and How I Met Your Mother

Tuesday, April 1, 2014 9:00 am

Who’s Ronan Farrow?

Speak truth to power! Speak lies to weakness! Speak platitudes to the mediocre!

But have people who are predicting the GOP will win the Senate this year factored in the transformative effect of Occupy Wall Street?

So, with How I Met Your Mother, basically the actors who played the kids knew the ending for eight years.

That was a very ambitious attempt, How I Met Your Mother, but nothing can be as bad as the Lost finale.

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Random Thoughts: Colbert, Writing Tips, and Vulgarity

Monday, March 31, 2014 9:00 am

We’re surrounded by miraculous things, but rare is the person who get to see them for what they truly are.

The reason you see such joy in small children is they see the world for what it truly is, with no preconceived notions.

Since no one asked me, I don’t really find Colbert funny, but I don’t care about this controversy either.

My main tip on being a good writer is to somehow come into possession of skills you were born lacking. Like consume a soul or something.

This leads to a number of obvious jokes, but I can’t print any I came up with because they all involve vulgarity.

Yes, I don’t speak vulgarity, but I think them constantly. I’m a raging cuss storm inside.

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Random Thoughts: Obamacare, Leland Yee, and Racism

Friday, March 28, 2014 9:00 am

How many regenerations does James Bond have left?

Are we making fun of the North Korean haircut thing or are we noting that the Obamacare precedent makes that possible here?

But what if someone who goes on a shooting spree decided not to obey the gun magazine size limits?

Its cheaper to drop health insurance entirely than to provide it sans coverage of 4 abortifacients. That will lead to lots of great outcomes.

I am excited for the next Community episode; not on until next week, though.

“According to this chart, there’s a 78% chance you’re a doodie-head.” -young Nate Silver

Wait, what are the age of these mutant ninja turtles?

How pervasive is the view that black people can’t be racist? It’s beyond idiotic, but I’ve seen it many times.

I guess “ironic” would be the best description of that view.

I imagine a world one day where all idiotic racists, regardless of their skin color, will be shamed away from polite society.

My 10mo old son sure reacts to being suddenly picked up much more calmly than I do.

Pitching a wacky, gun-running buddy flick starring Eric Holder and Leland Yee.

In this information age with drone warfare, knowing is actually now 62% of the battle.

Leland Yee has made a lot of news, but how many vocal gun control advocates are actually gun smugglers? Probably no more than a quarter.

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Random Thoughts: Nate Silver, Farmers, and Jaws

Thursday, March 27, 2014 9:00 am

Was wondering if Nate Silver was developing some hubris leading to a face-plant, but I’ve really liked most of what I’ve seen of 538 so far.

New horror movie pitch: Murder Zoo

Was out of cone filters for the coffee maker, so I shaped a paper towel into a cone and used that instead. I’m basically MacGyver.

Stupid farmers. Why can’t they provide something of use to society like lawyers?

I’m afraid that like with Skynet, when President Obama becomes self-aware he’ll freak out and start nuking everyone.

Maybe now the Democrats will run someone in Florida who hates seniors and someone in California who hates putting avocado on everything.

Alias’s rejected boyfriend might be Indiana Jones? Don’t know if that’s Ben Affleck as Batman bad, but still…

When people say not to worry about the national debt, they remind me of that mayor from Jaws.

So far I’ve thought the new 538 site has been pretty good, but that’s just commentary and I don’t have any statistics to bad that up.

Admittedly, Nate Silver does need a bit more rigorous data study to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Paul Krugman is a giant hack. Still, this is a fun article.

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