“A new day dawns,” Buck the Marine said as he admired the sky, “and this date shall be carved in the tombstone of many a for’ner who crosses my path.”
“Hey, Buck,” called a voice from behind him. He turned to see President Bush.
“You back in Iraq again?” Buck exclaimed.
“Yeppers,” Bush answered, “Had so much fun last time I thought I might stop by again. So what are we doing?”
“Contemplating the people we are going to kill today,” Buck said. “Hey! Are you eating one of my MRE’s?”
“Just trying to be like one of the troops,” Bush stated, “by helping myself to their stuff. Found some homemade cookies in one tent; want some?”
“Isn’t it dangerous for you to be out here?” Buck asked.
“That’s what my Secret Service agents said,” Bush replied, “So I didn’t take them with me… except for Zatoichi since he’s blind and doesn’t know where the hell he is.”
“I thought you said we were going to the Bahamas,” Zatoichi, the blind samurai, stated, “but I do not hear the waves.”
“Maybe you’re going deaf too, Blindy,” Bush chuckled. He then leaned over to Buck and whispered, “That’s my new nickname for him: Blindy.” After another moment’s thought, he leaned over to Buck again and added, “Because he’s blind.”
“Isn’t your wife going to miss you?” Buck inquired.
“She’s happy to have time to herself to do wifey stuff,” Bush answered.
“Like what?”
“I dunno… clean stuff and uh… nag people.”

“And a last minute entry to the demolition derby: Laura Bush!”

“Hey, look! Iraqi children!” Bush exclaimed.
“What are Iraqi children doing in the Bahamas?” Ichi asked.
“Tell us all about America, Mr. President man,” said one of the children.
Bush sat down among the kids as Buck watched and Zatoichi kept listening for the ocean. “In America, everyone is happy,” Bush told the kids, “and the streets are paved with gold. And the kids get all the candy they ever want.”
“Can we come to America some day?” one of the kids asked.
“No,” Bush answered sharply, “we already have enough immigrants.”
“Will Iraq be as great as America one day?” inquired another kid.
Bush just laughed. “You’ll be lucky if your country isn’t torn apart by religious extremists.”
The kids all looked sad. Finally one asked, “Will you at least do something about the ninjas.”
“Of course,” Bush said, patting the kid on the head. “Wait a second… what ninjas?”
All of a sudden a ninja charged Bush and the kids scattered. Bush rolled out of the way just in time for the sword to miss him. “Eek! Ninjas!” Bush yelled, ducking as throwing stars barely missed him.
“You said there would be no ninjas in the Bahamas,” Ichi grumbled.
“I got ’em,” Buck said. He then fired upon the ninjas with his M-16. They all deftly dodged the bullets. Buck then tossed aside his rifle and drew his Ka-Bar. “Dodge this!” he yelled as he stabbed at a ninja. The ninja dodged it. “Dammit!” Buck exclaimed, “I shouldn’t have told him to dodge that.”
“Blindy! Do something!” Bush yelled, ducking from ninja blades.
Zatoichi ran away.
“Good idea,” Bush said, following.
“I hates retreating,” Buck grumbled as he ran as well.
They soon found a cave to hide in. Buck took out his radio. “Base, this is Buck the Marine. We are under attack by ninjas… yeah, with swords and throwing stars and everything.”
“Tell them about how they flip,” Bush said.
“And they flip too,” Buck said into the radio.
“They are no ordinary ninjas,” Ichi stated, “They are robot ninjas.”
“How do you know that?” Bush asked.
“They kept shouting, ‘We are robot ninjas! We are robot ninjas!’ over and over,” Ichi answered.
Bush shook his head. “Man, I’m a bad listener.”

“The meeting of the Axis of Evil is called to order,” Ernst Stavro Blofeld announced, “and, once again President Jacques Chirac is here as an observer.”
“We just want to know what the enemy is doing,” Chirac said, “so that we might better appease them and know which direction to run in is most cowardly.”
“We must stop the Americans in Iraq!” Saddam Hussein yelled. “They are very powerful, though. They killed my sons; even I wasn’t even able to do that.”
“If the Americans are made to look as fools in Iraq,” Osama bin Laden stated, “Then I can gain even more followers. Muh ha ha ha.”
“And France will replace them as a world power!” Chirac said, “Wha ha ha ha!”
“And I can enter the race for presidency and beat Bush!” Hilary Clinton exclaimed, “Bwa ha ha ha!”
“And I can take Disney World away from Japan!” Kim Jong Il laughed, “Tee hee hee!”
“And Aquaman will be defenseless!” shouted Black Manta, “Gra ha ha ha!”
“Ooh ooh! Ee ee!” said Chim-Chim, the evilest monkey.
“Don’t worry,” Blofeld said, “We have plans for the Americans. Tell them, evil dictator of China.”
“I, evil dictator of China,” declared the evil dictator of China, “have flooded Iraq with our robots ninjas. Soon their forces will fall. But we must keep any of this from being traced back to China or we’ll be looked at as vile in Americans’ eyes as France is.”
“Then you shouldn’t have put ‘Made in China’ on all the robots’ parts,” Blofeld commented.
“We take pride in our workmanship!” the evil dictator of China shot back.
“Do you think this will be enough to stop the Americans?” Saddam asked.
“To be sure,” the evil dictator of China said, “We have more help.”
Suddenly a portrait of Chairman Mao floated into the room. “It is I, the haunted portrait of Chairman Mao!” it said, its eyes glowing red with Commie evil. “I shall help lead the forces, and they will fall to my Commie evil!”
“We must make sure the Americans do not find out of our plans,” Osama bin Laden stated, “I bet they have spies about.”
Saddam turned to his compatriot at his side. “Have you seen anyone suspicious, Chomps, the world’s angriest Baathist party member?”
Chomps shook his head no.
“Maybe it’s just me,” Osama said, “but Chomps looks a lot like a rottweiler with a fake mustache and a beret.”
“I will not have anyone questioning Chomps!” Saddam responded angrily, “He has been a loyal Baathist party member since earlier this morning.” Saddam then added more quietly, “Plus, it makes him angry… very angry.”

“So that’s their dastardly plan!” Condoleezza Rice exclaimed.
“See! The mustache cam worked just like the guy at Radio Shack said it would,” stated Clancy, the intelligence guy.
“How did you find out about this meeting, anyway?” Condi asked.
“Well, we found this Muslim cleric who claimed to be blind,” Clancy explained, “So we held up a number of fingers, and he answered how many there were incorrectly. So, his story held up… so far. But we didn’t trust him. So we roughed him up until he finally admitted he wasn’t blind. We then did the ‘how many fingers am I holding up’ test again, but he failed. Ends up he was lying about not being blind just to get us to stop beating him. Now we knew this guy didn’t have any scruples. So we took some jumper cables…”
“Is this story going somewhere?” Rumsfeld demanded angrily.
“To cut to the chase,” Clancy said, “We found a flier for the meeting at the Safeway.”
“But how are we going to deal with robot ninjas?” Condi asked, “We’ll have to operate carefully.”
“Careful my ass!” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “Let’s just kill them all!” He grabbed the microphone that was connected to Chomps. “Hippies! Hippies!”

“Something seems wrong with your Baathist party member,” Blofeld stated, watching Chomps snarl and snap at the air in fury. Suddenly, his mustache fell off.
“Oh no!” Saddam exclaimed, “Terminal mustache disease!”
As Chomps went even wilder, his beret finally fell off.
“Sacre Bleu!” Chirac yelled, “It is angry American dog Chomps!” Chomps then leapt over and grabbed Chirac by the head. He shook the Frenchman vigorously while everyone else fled.

“So the Axis of Evil is behind the robot ninjas, eh?” Bush asked through the satellite hookup from Iraq, “And we have to deal with the haunted portrait of Chairman Mao. Anyone remember how they defeated the haunted painting in Ghostbusters 2, because I really don’t feel like watching that again.”
“Sorry, but are intelligence does not encompass the climaxes of special effects laden comedy sequels,” Clancy answered, “What we do know is that the Axis of Evil is working overtime to make America fail.”
“But I like America!” Bush exclaimed, “It’s my favorite country! We need to do something.”
“Extreme measures will be needed,” Condi advised.
“I know the most extreme,” Bush said firmly. “Get me Robo-Patton!”
TO BE CONTINUED WEDNESDAY…