Israel is starting the ground war.
Let that be a lesson to you: If you let your country become overrun with terrorists, soon you’ll be overrun with Jews.
Archive of entries posted on 11th August 2006
Milk: It Does an Online Bookstore Good
I think a lot of people put up reviews on Amazon about liberal and conservative books without even reading them. Now, the same thing is happening with milk!
Sample:
Not good for roof leaks, August 4, 2006
Reviewer: VR (Albuquerque, NM) – See all my reviewsI had a problem where my roof was leaking. I poured some Tuscan Whole Milk over it to seal it up and it just flowed right into the hole and didn’t do anything. I now have milk constantly dripping down from the ceiling and it has stained the drywall as well. The milk trapped in the ceiling is now rancid and smells horrible. It has also induced a pest infestation problem. The pest control company won’t deal with it because of the odor is unbearable in the house. My wife and children are now leaving me as well. This product has ruined my life. Do not buy this product, I suggest some roof caulking or tar instead.
Updated Terrorist FAQ
TERRORIST FAQ
(With new additions from Frank J. and spacemonkey; original is here)
Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, “Pardon me, sir.” If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, “Death to the infidels!” The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they’re Arab.
Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.
Q. I don’t think that’s right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.
Q. I don’t want to.
A. Then quit yer griping. Oh, in addition to their Arabness, they may carry a liquid or a gel, or perhaps a citrus juice from concentrate
Q. What do I do then?
A. Don’t drink it, especially if you are on a low acid diet or don’t like exploding.
Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.
Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those “Fun Size” bags of chips. Then you can say, “I’m sorry I beat you up. Here’s a bag of Fritos.”
Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn’t die, switch to the next higher caliber.
Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.
Q. Are you sure I shouldn’t cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.
Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.
Q. I’m just going to try running away really fast.
A. That’s what I’d do.
Q. Oh no! I’m surrounded by terrorists! What now?
A. Whatever you do, don’t make any sudden movements or be a Jew.
Q. Whoops! I’m a Jew!
A. Don’t worry too much; they’re more scared of Jew than Jew are of them.
Q. Why do people want to terrorize us?
A. They’re retarded.
Q. Aren’t the causes for terrorism much more complicated, involving socio-economic factors, the residual effects of colonialism, the…
A. No, they’re just retards.
Q. But isn’t…
A. Retards.
Q. The Democrats say they have a better plan to handle the terrorists. Should we elect them?
A. What’s their plan?
Q. I dunno. You’re the answering guy.
A. Well, I’ll check with the Democrat FAQ…
…
No, it doesn’t know the plan either.
Q. Maybe it’s a secret.
A. If it were a secret that would be effective against terrorists, it would be in the New York Times by now.
Q. A terrorist all in black is flipping around and throwing sharp objects at me. What should I do?
A. That’s a ninja, not a terrorist.
Q. Well, he’s still trying to kill me.
A. Sorry, but that’s beyond the scope of this FAQ.
Q. I think I saw Saddam Hussein. What should I do?
A. First, make sure it’s not actually Tom Selleck.
Q. Whoops, it is Tom Selleck.
A. When identifying Saddam, try not to just focus on the mustache. Remember, Saddam’s in prison now; we got that sucka.
Q. When are we going to capture Osama bin Laden?
A. Why does everyone always bring that up? If we capture him, you know his replacement won’t make nearly as entertaining videos and audiotapes.
Q. Does Osama do anything these days other than release straight-to-video screeds?
A. I think he also has a cooking show.
Q. I see a terrorist dressed in black stripes who keeps saying, “Robble Robble Robble.” Should I kill him?
A. That’s not a terrorist; that’s the Hamburglar.
Q. Might one consider the way he steals children’s hamburgers, thus preventing them from a normal, happy meal, a form of terrorism?
A. Yes… if you’re an idiot.
Q. I am an idiot.
A. Good for you.
Q. So does he also steal cheeseburgers, or just hamburgers?
A. Go away.
Q. I see some people trashing America and telling us to cut and run in the Middle East. Are they friends of the terrorists?
A. Probably. Punch them in their dumb monkey faces.
Q. Why would someone be friends with terrorists?
A. Terrorists tend to think they’re great poker players, but they really aren’t. Thus terrorist friends tend to clean up big on poker night.
Q. It seems wrong to take advantage of naive terrorists like that.
A. Well, we’re not here to judge. We’re only here to punch.
Q. I hear that the whole religion of Islam is just a Zionist conspiracy so that the Jews can distract us with terrorism while they steal our money.
A. Sounds logical.
Q. I also know of a conspiracy involving the Keebler elves and the Vatican.
A. You should write a newsletter.
Q. A liberal told me that Bush is the real terrorist. Is that true?
A. Bush isn’t Arab.
Q. Okay, I’ve killed all the terrorists; now what do I do to put meaning into my dreary existence?
A. Go back to killing Communists. Consult the “Better Dead Than Red” FAQ.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Bart gets famous for saying “Don’t have a cow, man” on Krusty’s show
2) Once Homer accidentally listened to subliminal vocabulary-building tapes instead of what?
3) On his inspection visit, what does Superintendant Chalmers test the playground sandbox for?
4) In Radioactive Man Comic #72, Radioactive Man marries who?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
Reporters in Love
Mike Wallace interviewed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Wallace then appeared on Hannity’s radio show and defended Mahmoud against charges of anti-Semitism (he just wants to wipe out Israel, that’s all). In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Wallace had this to say:
“…in a strange way, he’s a rather attractive man…”
Eww.
Now reporters aren’t just revealing our secret programs to benefit the enemy, they’re actually contemplating gay love affairs with people who want Americans dead. I’m no journalist major, but I think there is something wrong with that.
I could just be out of the times, though, so feel free to ignore me…
Friday Catblogging
Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
This is when I make some kind of silly statement about how I’m the only one who catblogs here, but the Department Of Homeland Security has imposed severe restrictions on excuse-making at airports due to the recent raising of the Threat Level from Yellow to Red.
Anyway, it’s time for Edloe the Grumpus:

If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for “catblogging.”
You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.
On Saturday, Eatstuff usually does a roundup.
Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.
There’s also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.
Anybody I miss?
Can These Guys Be Anymore Useless?
Angered by how right-leaning blogs are accomplishing things of significance, Kos is trying to catch some fauxtography of his own, saying Republicans put a Hitler mustache on Dean in their new spread of the Dicklesscrats.
Well, I don’t see it. Anyway, I thought I gave good evidence a while ago that Howard Dean is Hitler.
UPDATE:
There is finally a front-page article about the attempted terror attacks (not by Kos, though), but it’s to complain about Bush calling the terrorists “Islamic Fascists” and side with terrorists sympathizers CAIR. Interesting to know these people’s priorities; really, what planet are they from?
Because It’s My Job to Keep You Informed
Since it’s in the news again, I guess it’s time to dust off this old classic: A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels
Reportedly, this was actually hung up in the halls of the Homeland Security Department.
Also, Brian Williams, who previously equated Osama with George Washington, is back with new math.
For diggers, my Nuke the Moon Peace plan was submitted to Digg. It only gets one shot, so give it some props.
A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels is also up at Digg.