TERRORIST FAQ
(With new additions from Frank J. and spacemonkey; original is here)
Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, “Pardon me, sir.” If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, “Death to the infidels!” The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they’re Arab.
Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.
Q. I don’t think that’s right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.
Q. I don’t want to.
A. Then quit yer griping. Oh, in addition to their Arabness, they may carry a liquid or a gel, or perhaps a citrus juice from concentrate
Q. What do I do then?
A. Don’t drink it, especially if you are on a low acid diet or don’t like exploding.
Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.
Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those “Fun Size” bags of chips. Then you can say, “I’m sorry I beat you up. Here’s a bag of Fritos.”
Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn’t die, switch to the next higher caliber.
Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.
Q. Are you sure I shouldn’t cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.
Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.
Q. I’m just going to try running away really fast.
A. That’s what I’d do.
Q. Oh no! I’m surrounded by terrorists! What now?
A. Whatever you do, don’t make any sudden movements or be a Jew.
Q. Whoops! I’m a Jew!
A. Don’t worry too much; they’re more scared of Jew than Jew are of them.
Q. Why do people want to terrorize us?
A. They’re retarded.
Q. Aren’t the causes for terrorism much more complicated, involving socio-economic factors, the residual effects of colonialism, the…
A. No, they’re just retards.
Q. But isn’t…
A. Retards.
Q. The Democrats say they have a better plan to handle the terrorists. Should we elect them?
A. What’s their plan?
Q. I dunno. You’re the answering guy.
A. Well, I’ll check with the Democrat FAQ…
…
No, it doesn’t know the plan either.
Q. Maybe it’s a secret.
A. If it were a secret that would be effective against terrorists, it would be in the New York Times by now.
Q. A terrorist all in black is flipping around and throwing sharp objects at me. What should I do?
A. That’s a ninja, not a terrorist.
Q. Well, he’s still trying to kill me.
A. Sorry, but that’s beyond the scope of this FAQ.
Q. I think I saw Saddam Hussein. What should I do?
A. First, make sure it’s not actually Tom Selleck.
Q. Whoops, it is Tom Selleck.
A. When identifying Saddam, try not to just focus on the mustache. Remember, Saddam’s in prison now; we got that sucka.
Q. When are we going to capture Osama bin Laden?
A. Why does everyone always bring that up? If we capture him, you know his replacement won’t make nearly as entertaining videos and audiotapes.
Q. Does Osama do anything these days other than release straight-to-video screeds?
A. I think he also has a cooking show.
Q. I see a terrorist dressed in black stripes who keeps saying, “Robble Robble Robble.” Should I kill him?
A. That’s not a terrorist; that’s the Hamburglar.
Q. Might one consider the way he steals children’s hamburgers, thus preventing them from a normal, happy meal, a form of terrorism?
A. Yes… if you’re an idiot.
Q. I am an idiot.
A. Good for you.
Q. So does he also steal cheeseburgers, or just hamburgers?
A. Go away.
Q. I see some people trashing America and telling us to cut and run in the Middle East. Are they friends of the terrorists?
A. Probably. Punch them in their dumb monkey faces.
Q. Why would someone be friends with terrorists?
A. Terrorists tend to think they’re great poker players, but they really aren’t. Thus terrorist friends tend to clean up big on poker night.
Q. It seems wrong to take advantage of naive terrorists like that.
A. Well, we’re not here to judge. We’re only here to punch.
Q. I hear that the whole religion of Islam is just a Zionist conspiracy so that the Jews can distract us with terrorism while they steal our money.
A. Sounds logical.
Q. I also know of a conspiracy involving the Keebler elves and the Vatican.
A. You should write a newsletter.
Q. A liberal told me that Bush is the real terrorist. Is that true?
A. Bush isn’t Arab.
Q. Okay, I’ve killed all the terrorists; now what do I do to put meaning into my dreary existence?
A. Go back to killing Communists. Consult the “Better Dead Than Red” FAQ.