So Harvey said to me, “Today is Earth Day. You should write something about the earth!”
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To which I responded, “First off, I, like my readers, am not sure you’re actually a physically separate person from me, so it’s perhaps pointless to talk to you. Secondly and more importantly, I’m not quite sure the earth is great.”
Let’s look at things objectively: The only reason people think the earth is so great is that we have no other habitable planets to compare it to. If we didn’t need the environment to survive, we probably wouldn’t spend much time trying to preserve it.
Isn’t celebrating Earth Day pretty much celebrating our slavery to the fickle nature of the environment? Why would we want to celebrate that? Wouldn’t a “Free from Earth Day” be better where we one day celebrate how we used technology to overcome our dependence on the environment?
The planet closest to Earth is Venus. It’s about the same size as Earth and probably very lovely (the sun rises in the west!). Yet, all the plans for our first interplanetary trip involve the much further away and smaller Mars. Why? Because we envision that one day we can make an environment there much like like that of Earth’s. Do you see how this dependence on an environment has limited our thinking?
If we were more optimistic, any time we heard our actions could lead to a natural disaster, we would say, “So what? We’re humans! We’re innovative! We can survive anything!” That’s the attitude that gets things done.
I live on the earth because I have to. I don’t particularly care for it and anyone who says otherwise is only fooling himself.
Testify Brother Harvey. The earth is “the man” keepin’ us down with its facist gravity!
I agree with Frank that the earth sucks! If only the Democrats were in charge then the earth would totally like Rock! There would be fluffy bunny rabbits around every corner and the sky would be full of cotton candy…but alas…the Republicans have the Executive Branch and because of it the Earth, Solar System and the Universe totally blow!
Okay Frank J., this post was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Your Global Citizenship card has been summarily revoked and you have 48 hours to relocate to the moon.
Betcha’ don’t want to nuke it now huh? Muwahahahaha!
My first observation of the Tigris river was from 500 meters away. I was struck by it, since I’ve never seen a river so strikingly blue.
On closer observation, I noticed the reason it was so blue was from the massive amounts of toxic chemicals that were being dumped in it by the local inhabitance.
In fact, I would say it’s safe to say, the care for the environment of the entire country of Iraq could be summed up as “Couldn’t give a $#!t less.” I believe it’s been this way for thousands of years.
But yet the people survive. And they have to deal with a lot more than the disgusting pampered eco-Hippies do. Iraqis live through dictators, numerous wars, nerve agent attacks, and severe civil unrest. you may be on to something.
Okay, so if we’re gonna start habitating other planetaries now, does that mean that Silky Pony will be President of Ur-anus?
I think we should be weary of the Earth. After all, HHGTTG updated their entry from “Harmless” to “Mostly harmless.”
Of Dandelions and Sugar Ants
by Jimmy by George
To demonstrate how in tune with Gaia I am, I submit my story to this perspicacious audience as proof that the Earth can be controlled.
Three years ago, I noticed that I had a growing infestation of tiny sugar ants in my kitchen. Try as I might to find their source, I failed. And caring so deeply for these succulent little creatures who were just trying to eak out a living in my not-so-sterile kitchen, I refused to use pesticides. Nope, not me. Nuh-uh. And cleaning my kitchen any better was not an option, either.
At the same time this terrible invasion was taking place, I noticed that all the dandelions on my property were TALL – beautiful, tall, lanky yellow flowers that made huge seed pods that would spread with the slightest eddy of wind.
How are these two observations related, you ask? And why should you care? Aha! See, I have irreversibly CHANGED the world for these two species and I am now in control of Gaia herself.
For the ants, as I rattled about the drainboards of my kitchen, I would squash the slow ants one-by-one with my fingers and have thus killed thousands of ants with no remorse over the years. Such good sport! A few, feeling the vibrations of my activity, would quickly scurry away and hide. They survived. Over several years, ALL the surviving ants and their descendents are now SCURRIERS! The slightest vibration turns them into panicked sprinters taking cover under anything nearby. See, I have succeeded in selecting some gene that enhances their survival. I am now in full control of my sugar ant colony! They’re scared to death of me, the smart little buggers.
For the dandelions, I have cut the grass progressively shorter for three straight years and now all the dandelions are SHORT and stay short! So, I now control dandelion genetics as well.
I am smart; I like being smart.
So let that be a lesson to you, GAIA. Don’t mess with me.
Now you know how half of me feels, cracker!
I live on the earth because I have to.
Well, I don’t. Live on the earth that is. I live forty miles from San Francisco, fifty miles from Berkeley, and forty miles from Santa Cruz. I don’t believe that any of the residents of any of those municipalities is from the planet earth.
Please send me to Tralfamadore.
Tia
Geeze Guys, how are we ever going to hope to change the suckiness of this planet if we don’t all rush out right now and vote for the hopeful changeling?I was never proud of my planet until I saw that we had changed enough to hope to elect an… umm… uh… black Arab to be our emper…. president!
Great post, Harvey. Hearing about the Earth always sends a thrill up my leg. I wish Frank would post about this stuff. It would be a great healing balm of justice for his capitalist heart if he would only post about the Earth the way you do.
To celebrate Earth Day, I sprayed for dandelions and ants. Roundup and malathion, baby.
You may have, in a perverse way, bulls-eyed the difference between paganism and the Judao-Christian tradition as well as any philosopher or theologian ever has.
Gaia will get you, you Roundup- and Malathion-sprayer, you. You’ll see. She does not love you, you you you you bug killer and destroyer of flowers, you. You are not smart.
I least I wasn’t struck by a river. A wimpy Middle Eastern river, at that.
Did you dump anything in it, like some used motor oil or a few six-pack rings? I like to cut my sick-pack rings into three pieces, so I kill three stupid fish instead of just one.
No, but I did set my ancient dinghy adrift once – on purpose – to see where it might travel upon the great salty seas. I’ve yet to look for it, but that day may yet come.
Did you know that the crows are protectors of other birds against the hawks and eagles? With the ospreys, however, there is a peace treaty between them. They sit side by side on willow trees.
I’m waiting for Earth Mark II.
Mmm, Venus. I’m up for colonising it with 9/11 troofers.
They’re not going to believe what a reactionary commenter says on IMAO.us are they? Those reports of sulphuric acid clouds are clearly Halliburton schemes to suck out its atmosphere! They say it’s hot enough on the surface to melt lead? Dude. The climate. Can’t. Melt. Lead. Google it!
Volunteer to colonise Venus? Tell them they’re not allowed to go and they’ll build their own ships out of spite. Wave bye bye hippies!
I hear on Venus that weed is free and legal.
I hear that on weed, Venus is free and legal.
“I live on the earth because I have to. I don’t particularly care for it and anyone who says otherwise is only fooling himself.”
Right on. I’m just waiting for heaven. While I’m here, I’ll punch hippies
#17 Jimmy where have you been or have I just missed your posts. I was worried about you.
Anyone who thinks the “Man In Charge” or MIC will allow man to screw up the earth, isn’t playing with a cold puck.
I celebrated earth day (no, I don’t capitalise “earth”) by walking around the streets of my liberal town smoking a fat Sol Cubano madero. Hey, it’s all natural!
Hey, I celebrated earth day by spending a couple of hours cutting up some big oak trees on my property. They were offending me what with their unchecked spread of branches and copious amounts of leaves, which I have to pick up every stinkin’ fall when they all decide to fall off! So I took some revenge on them by chopping up every branch I could reach with my tree saw and making a pile of branches that will hopefully strike fear into their woody hearts (“This is what will become of you if you continue your expansionist ways!”). Oh, and my kids loved it…they were all like, “yay, it’s earth day and we’re cutting down these giant trees!”
Seth, you need a chain saw. You can destroy bigger branches faster, and it burns gas mixed with oil.