WASHINGTON (AP) – President-Elect Obama was arrested today after evidence surfaced of a “pay-to-play” scandal involving his selection of a new dog for his daughters.
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“I didn’t do anything wrong,” said Obama at a press conference, “the law says that I have a right to appoint a family pet, and that’s what I’m going to do. If the dog’s registration papers happen to be wrapped around a wad of US currency, I certainly don’t see why I should be blamed for someone else’s error.”
Obama’s original plan – adopting a dog from a local animal shelter – was quickly dismissed after he discovered that the local Washington D.C. facility refused to “encourage” his selection by slipping him a suitcase full of small, unmarked bills. “The position of First Puppy is a @#$%ing valuable thing,” said Obama, “you just don’t give it away for nothing.”
According to FBI wiretaps, the American Kennel Club approached Obama with the suggestion of getting a Portuguese Water Dog and $500,000 in campaign contributions. Obama laughed off the idea, saying “if I want a Portuguese Water Dog, I’ll just wait until Ted’s tumor goes off and pick up Splash on the cheap.” He then told the AKC to insert the $500,000 into their eliminatory orifice, fold it in half and “crap me out a cool million, if you’re serious.”
The American Labradoodle Breeder’s Association contacted Obama several days later, stating that a Labradoodle would be perfect for him. Obama was dismissive at first, saying that “this family already HAS a half-breed mutt in it,” but later reconsidered when he learned that the dog would come with a high-paying ALBA Board of Directors position for Michelle.
“The money would be nice,” said Obama, “but even nicer would be getting that nagsome harpy a hobby. She does some really stupid things when she’s got too much time on her hands. Like on Martin Luther King Day, she signed me up to work in a soup kitchen! I’m the @#$%ing President of the United States! These bums should be bringing soup to ME! EVERY American should bring me soup! Especially Americans who want me to adopt their dogs. And by ‘soup’, I mean ‘large, yet discreetly-delivered piles of cash’.”
These bums should be bringing soup to ME! EVERY American should bring me soup! Especially Americans who want me to adopt their dogs. And by ’soup’, I mean ‘large, yet discreetly-delivered piles of cash’.”
I’m not sure why you call this Newsish Fakery, Harvey.
I can’t help but stop when I got to the line about Kennedy’s dog’s name.
U da man!!!!!!!!!!
How do you tell a gray hound from Obama? – The gray hound is the one humping Chris Matthews leg.
I’m thinking a poodle for the first family. The image fits with their French-lite attitude. You know, if the poor are hungry give them the bread of those who actually worked for it. That said poodles are really very smart, so it wouldn’t be long before the dog would be running the country.
Wait maybe that’s not such a bad idea. Given O’dingdongs picks for his cabinet the dog couldn’t do a worse job.
Seriously, a dog would do a better job cause the dog wouldn’t do anything. And doing nothing would be a sight better than what Obama’s host of idiot cabinet members will do.
Ernie,
I disagree with you. A dog as chief executive doing nothing would be SIGNIFICANTLY better than what BHO and the gang plan to do. Not only would he spend less time on television than That One, lacking an opposable thumb, a dog would effectively pocket veto all of the garbage congress is going to shovel out in the near future.
Well done, Harvey. I think that you should be Obama’s press secretary.
That was great. The fact that Ted Kennedy wrote a children’s book about his adventures with Splash the water dog pretty much indicates to me that you have to be incredibly clever to out-weird the un-parody-able left.
In other news, I just blended 4 parts of a coffee imported from Germany with one part chicory for the Cafe du Monde flavor – I call it Maginot Line coffee. It’s pretty good actually.
One other note – The difference between Blaggo and Obama is that you never hear Blaggo’s name used in the same sentence as “domestic terrorist” or “Marxist” when discussing his friends.
Damn FIVE nappy-headded bitches for the white-house negro. That dude don’t stand a chance. And to think he invited it all on himself, I almost feel as sorry for him as I do for us.
“I call it Maginot Line coffee. It’s pretty good actually.”
As opposed to the ACTUAL Maginot Line, which was kinda defeated by the German’s just going around it.
I’m actually feeling slightly better about the Dems being in charge of everying now. For at least the next 4 years, we get to be on the offensive, rather than the defensive.
And I for one plan to be as supportive of BHO-NMP as the other side has been of Dubya-Dick. Not that I think Dubya-Dick were perfect, not at all, but I have never demonized them any more than I have any other politician either.
Kinda sad that my only hope for BHO’s admin is that he will do nothing.
Does Obama play Checkers?