This reminds me of those Onion videos where people say completely ridiculous stuff with a perfect deadpan:
So do we need racism in this country or something, because apparently this is what the NAACP has to resort to when they can no longer find anything more racially offensive than their own organization’s name (“Colored people”? Really?).
So there’s like that soccer championship going on again. It’s pretty much like the most important thing ever to most of the world. So what does that mean to us? That means if by some chance the Americans win it, we need to at least act like we care about it and know what it is. Because if we win the World Cup and the whole world is devastated by the American win of the most valuable prize ever and we’re all still like, “What’s a World Cup?”, that could ruin our relations with everyone. So here’s an FAQ so if we win it we can all act like we care and know what it is so the world won’t get too angry at us.
WORLD CUP FAQ
Q. When is the World Cup?
A. According to the buzz on Twitter, it’s like sometime around now.
Q. How long does it last?
A. I think like a week or something.
Q. How many games are there?
A. I dunno. I’m going to go with… eight.
Q. What country is it in?
A. South something, I think. South Mongolia?
Q. What channel will it be on?
A. ESPN7
Q. Is it true the rest of the world calls soccer “football”?
A. I’m pretty sure that’s an urban legend.
Q. Is the World Cup anything like a World Championship in our sports?
A. No, because instead of it being played among the greatest athletes in the world — other Americans — it’s played against other countries so it’s much easier.
Q. Why is it so popular when it’s so boring and stupid?
A. I dunno. Why is socialism popular in other countries? Because they’re weird and foreign and not smart.
Q. What’s with all the violence with soccer fans?
A. If soccer was the only thing your country had going for it, wouldn’t you be angry and violent?
Q. How long has the World Cup been around?
A. At least since the 80s.
Q. Are there any famous soccer players I should know about?
A. There is this guy called like “Pegleg” or something.
Q. Is Obama a soccer fan?
A. Come on. Let’s stop taking cheap shots at President Obama.
Q. So do we get like an actual cup if we win, like one we could put beer or soda in?
A. I’d hope so, or the whole thing really is completely asinine.
Q. Is there a cash prize for winning?
A. I think you get $20 American, which is like a lot of money everywhere else in the world.
Q. Why are you doing an FAQ on the World Cup when you don’t seem to know anything about it?
A. Hey, I don’t tell you how to run your blog.
So what’s up, South Carolina? The establishment GOP there looks pretty bad down there just from the racist hillbilly attacks on Nikki Haley, but as for the Democrats there… I guess they’re basically nonexistent in organization. How else do you explain Alvin Greene? Unemployed, lives with his father, paid the $10,000 to get in the Senate primary (where’d he get that money?), did no campaigning, and won with 58% of the vote against an actual funded politician. And the guy is unwatchable; he can’t even answer basic questions about his campaign. Oh, and he has a felony obscenity charge against him.
Democrats like nothing better than to feel really smart, but I’d love to hear the smart answer to what happened in South Carolina. So do Democrats follow politics at all, or do they just go to the polls and randomly vote for people?
The thing that annoys me most about cats is how I keep having to tell them they can’t have a cheeseburger. Oh, and their grammar is atrocious.
Weird. The beans we had with our tacos last night tasted like they had already been fried before.
So is there any explanation of Democrat voters in the South Carolina Senate primary that’s at all flattering to them?
Alvin Greene is the defacto leader of the Democrat Party. Pass it on.
Alvin Greene is so horrible as a candidate I can’t bring myself to make fun of him. It just seems cruel.
*Ahem*
Dohtimes, you won a book.
I’ve been emailing.
I think you left your spamfilter set to “kill”.
Send me your mailing address.
harvolson@gmail.com
Thank you.
PS Fred’s new best line is, “According to recent school enrollment figures, Hispanics are fleeing Arizona before the state’s new immigration law takes effect. Shame on those people for racially profiling themselves like that.”
Here, once again, is a horrible pun, and I will warn you not to read it. Like the title says, it is horrible. You won’t find it funny. In fact, it will make you angry. You may in fact hate it so much you’ll never find me funny again. You may never find anything funny again. Humor may be ruined forever, and you will lose faith in all humanity. If you read it, you should probably go on a suicide watch.
So just leave this site now, and if you don’t, I warned you.
Obama says the reason he hasn’t talked to the CEO of BP yet is because it’s the board of directors that’s in charge. That’s a really stupid excuse, and Allahpundit is right in that it seems like he’s not even trying to come up with decent lies lately. Still, good lying is something Obama has vowed to work on, and as evidence of that, here are the top ten excuses he’s come up with for his poor response on the oil spill crisis.
TOP TEN EXCUSES FROM OBAMA FOR HIS POOR RESPONSE TO THE OIL SPILL
10. Thought it wasn’t a problem because oil and water don’t mix.
9. Since it was British Petroleum in the Gulf of Mexico, he assumed other countries would handle it.
8. He thought the oil leak was just looking for attention and would go away if he ignored it.
7. It looked messy, and he had just bought a new suit.
6. Handling oil spills isn’t mentioned in the Constitution, and Obama only does things specifically mentioned in the Constitution.
5. We never listened to Obama’s pleas of “let me be clear”, and thus he was forced to be very unclear about things.
4. Louisiana did such a great job with the last big disaster that hit them that he assumed they were on top of this one.
3. Birds kinda looked like they enjoyed being covered in oil.
2. He never saw the problem, because his head has been stuck in a bucket for the past fifty days.
And the number one excuse from Obama for his poor response to the oil spill…
Continue reading ‘Top Ten Excuses from Obama for His Poor Response to the Oil Spill’ »
In case you were worried the Senate race in California might get too civil, Carly Fiorina was caught on mic making fun of Barbara Boxer’s hair. And Barbara Boxer was all like, “You call it ‘Senator hair’! I earned that! I’m a Senator!”
It’s hard for me to get too excited about any races in California, though, because it’s like they’re fighting over who gets to be in charge of it as it crumbles apart and falls into the sea. The fact that they’ve had an arrogant dimwit like Barbara Boxer as a senator for this long shows they don’t take themselves seriously enough to survive. Really, out of over 30 million people, these are the leaders they come up with?
Since the state is so doomed, there’s no reason to take this race seriously. I think it would be awesome if in the first debate between Fiorina and Boxer, Fiorina uses her opening statement to look at Boxer and say, “Really. You wore that? Gah!”
If you throw liberals in a pit, I think you have to fish them out later, but a lot of my commenters disagree. Guess I’m a moderate.
Good idea from commenter: If we want the US to move up in the Global Peace Index, we just have to annihilate the countries ranked above us.
Isn’t it funny that Hollywood thinks they’re so enlightened but it’s the last place left with blatant racial discrimination in hiring?
Reader Aaron recently emailed me in the desperate hope that I could dig up a particular episode of the IMAO Podcast (which you long-time readers might remember from circa 2005).
Well, after scouring my hard drive, it turned out that I still have most (and possibly all) of the IMAO podcasts.
It also turns out that – having completely forgotten what was in them – I was surprised to discover that there was actually some good stuff in there.
Thing is, I never realized it at the time, since I was way too close to the project. Being deeply involved in the writing & recording & editing & such, it’s hard to tell if something is funny when you’re on the inside.
From the outside… the answer appears to be “yes”.
So I was thinking about re-posting these things, but the problem is they tend to run about 16 Meg apiece, and IMAO doesn’t have that sort of bandwidth to burn.
And at this point, I turn it over to you, the internet-savvy readership. Is there any place on the internet that would host these for free?
Suggestions in the comments, please.
This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
From Kris:
From Kris:
From me (Harvey):
From me (Harvey):
[High Praise! to anyone who gets the reference on this]
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Big EZ:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Hart of That Hero:
From Jackbooted Stormtrooper:
From Kris:
From Kris:
From Kris:
From Kris:
From Mark:
[reference link]
From Velvet Elvis:
[reference link]
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
That’s Chavez & Ahmadinejad & some guy who’s wishing he were somewhere else.
For an extra challenge, create a caption that doesn’t reference homosexuality.
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
The Global Peace Index has ranked the U.S. number 85 in peacefulness, behind Libya. I wonder if this has to do with all the times we’ve threatened to violently kill the people behind the Global Peace Index? If so, this is biased.
Also, I wonder if the people behind the Global Peace Index took care to distinguish violence from awesomeness. Like the lobby scene for the first Matrix movie: Is that violent? No, it’s awesome. And that’s what America is. If there was Awesome Index of countries — one that took into consideration the availability of guns and nachos in a country and how often people flip out and do cool stuff and other awesome things — the U.S. would easily be number one. Belgium would be last.
Actually, how does one make a committee a vote on stuff like this? I’m going to do that. I’m going to make the Global Awesomeness Index and annually rank countries on how awesome they are. Someone give me grant money.
Do it now!
According to a Zogby poll, liberals really don’t understand economics. They believe all sorts of illogical things like that reducing supply can actually lead to cheaper prices. I wonder if this is why liberals have such different policy ideas. See, conservatives see the economy as being influenced by supply and demand and pick economic policies accordingly, while liberals apparently think the economy is influenced by a giant money tree that will be appeased to grow more money if people sit in a circle and hold hand and smoke pot and don’t bathe, and they then pick their economic policies accordingly. So it’s not like one group wants to destroy the economy, it’s just that liberals don’t understand it and next time we have to talk about the economy the best idea is to dig a big pit and throw the liberals in it so they can’t bother us while we fix the economy. We’ll just have to remember afterwards to get them out of the pit before they starve and stuff. We don’t want to forget that. We better write it down somewhere.
Fish liberals out of pit.
There. It’s written down.
So like a bunch of women won in Republican primaries last night. We have Meg Whitman for governor in California, Carly Fiorina for Senator also in California, Sharron Angle for Senator in Nevada, and Nikki Haley for governor in South Carolina (though there will be a runoff). I don’t know what’s going on, but I for one welcome our new Republican, female overlords.
There have been a lot of extra challenges for female politicians ever since women were first given the right to vote in the sixties. That’s because women have hormones and emotions and stuff. Still, Science! has proven that a woman can be just as good as a politician as a man if she takes regular drugs to suppress these things. Plus, by choosing to be Republicans, these women probably have already discarded all emotion and motherly instincts and have become complete sociopaths — perfect leaders.
Still, some are going to object to women leaders, wondering how are they going to balance handling national crisis with when their husband needs a sammich. That’s caveman thinking, people. It’s 2010 — the future — and we now have robots to help women multitask both leading a nation and feeding their husbands.
So get with the times and support your local lady Republicans. Democrats will always be the girly party, but we’re the party with the women.
It’s starting to seem like Obama got his emoting lessons from Al Gore.
Obama: “Show me your asses, people! This is a full-on, ass investigation until I find the ones in need of kicking!”
So has someone photoshopped Obama in the costume from Kickass yet? I’m disappointed in the internets if not.
I’m glad the GI Joe movie has all these flashbacks because the one thing that defines GI Joe is deep characterization.
So basically it was ladies night in the Republican primaries.
I think the turning point for Fiorina was the demonsheep. She was unbeatable after that.
So are all the Republican governors and senators going to end up on the same cycle?
Soon to be dogging the new Republican candidates will be dark horse fringe candidate Ronette Paul.
So does the Fiorina win mean pretty much every political ad in the future will feature demonic animals? If so, cool.
So why are the nutroots all upset about Blanche Lincoln winning her primary? Did they find out she’s a Jew?
I don’t get women politicians. What happens if there’s a national crisis but their husbands need them to make them a sammich?
WOMAN POLITICIAN: “Nuclear missiles could be launching in the next 20 minutes!” HUSBAND: “But I’m hungry NOW!”
