Butching Up the President

Wow. The president’s a dork.

All the serious problems in the world, and we got Pee-wee Herman as our leader. I’ve seen sparkly vampires with a more intimidating presences. Meanwhile, Vladamir Putin is shooting whales with a crossbow. That sounds dangerous, but you don’t see him with a “I’m a dork!” helmet.

Our enemies just aren’t going to take Obama seriously unless we find some way to butch him up somehow. Here are some ideas:

* Make him part cyborg, like Cheney.

* Make him look more muscular by giving him fake muscles molded from Michelle Obama’s arms.

* Get him fool pitying lessons from Mr. T (but make sure it doesn’t devolve into self-pity).

* If he needs an anecdote things getting more expensive, instead of talking about the price of organic arugula at Whole Foods, have him mention the rising costs of chainsaws at Home Depot or talk about how expensive ammo is getting.

* Do something about those ears; he looks like Mickey Mouse.

* When he’s angry, make sure he doesn’t use the phrase “Wee wee’d up.” Actually, try in general to keep him from talking like a three-year-old.

* Have him constantly inhale sulfur hexafluoride gas so he’ll have a deep, intimidating voice.

* You can’t keep people from comparing him to Spock, but you can at least stop giving him a bowl cut and take away his toy tricorder.

* Instead of a dorky bike helmet, how about one of those WWI helmets with the spike on top. And instead of a Schwinn, how about a Harley. And instead of Obama, how about an actor stand in like Samuel L. Jackson.

* Cowboy hat. Patch eye. Six-shooter. Peg leg. Yeah, that’s it: Cowboy pirate.

What are your ideas to make Obama less dorky?

58 Comments

  1. Well, actually I think there is NO HOPE for his butching up short of radical measures. The peg leg & six-shooter could help, but his ears preclude the application of a traditional cowboy hat. How about we dress him in some Carhart Dream Man gear – I think the tan would be good. Engineer or lumberjack boots and we could try a hardhat if we can find one to accommodate his ears. He could accessorize with just the correct chainsaw in a manly color. It could help too if he grew some facial hair and lose that strange little boy haircut – maybe he would look more macho with his head shaved, like some of the sexy man-stars of today/Yul Brynner of old. Cowboy boots couldn’t hurt for dress-up occasions with some faded denims with a Skoal mark on the seat pocket and a nice shirt, open at the collar. I will continue in the quest for butching up BO and will return with any fresh new ideas because the US is in serious trouble and his current image is NOT helping. Thank you, Frank, for the opportunity to share my ideas!

  2. He needs that machine that turned Steve Urkel into alter-ego Stephon. I don’t think it’ll work though. Family matters was a sitcom in the 80’s. And even Urkel was cooler than this square.

  3. If POTUS only grew that “evil Spock goatee”, that would do wonders for his image. I am serious about that- he needs to do it. NO ONE can bow to foreign leaders with an Evil Spock Goatee- THEY bow to YOU. Do it. Do it now.

  4. I have a feeling this is going to take a very drastic measure: Deer Camp. Get him in full camo out in the woods and make him shoot an animal, then drink it’s blood like in Red Dawn. That is the only way to make him manly.

  5. Here’s what he’s up against:

    “Now it was downhill all the way. Brushing aside roadblocks, snipers, and attempted ambushes, the two regiments crashed down toward Hagaru. Coming toward the friendly lines, some of the Marines tried to sing. Others marched in, erect, in column, picking up a cadence without a order. Men so tired they could hardly stand, who had fouled themselves repeatedly from raging dysentery, who had frostbitten fingers and faces, and who were weak and hungry, made one final effort – and marched in like Marines.” – T.R. Fehrenbach’s This Kind of War, page 248.

    All Americans should live their lives so that they honor the men Fehrenbach speaks of and all others who have shed blood in defense of this nation.

    Obama can hardly consider himself an American with his method of honoring them.

  6. “* Cowboy hat. Patch eye. Six-shooter. Peg leg. Yeah, that’s it: Cowboy pirate.” Make that a blaster instead of a six-shooter. That’s right: Space-Cowboy Pirate. And let him bring the grenades.

  7. Hey Marko, while I was volunteering at a VA hospital, I met Joseph Owen who wrote _Colder_than_Hell_, which was about his experience at Chosin. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so honored to meet someone. I asked him, “How did you do it? How did you keep going against such overwhelming numbers in the brutal cold?”

    He answered me, calmly and matter of factly, “What else could we do?”

    He still suffers from the after effects of frostbite on his feet. As I recall, his regiment was reduced to a handful of effectives during the campaign.

    Obama would do well to read about the 1st Marines at Chosin — a fool’s errand one hundred miles inland to a frozen reservoir where 1st Marines would be surrounded by 10-11 Chinese divisions while in winter cold dropping to -40F. Every school child should be taught about it. Said Chesty Puller, “We’ve been looking for the enemy for some time now. We’re surrounded. That simplifies things.” And with that, the Marines slowly fought their way free, fought a rear guard action the entire way to the coast, and brought out all their wounded, killed and all the equipment that would move. What wouldn’t move, they destroyed.

  8. Pretty tough task. But start by reshooting the picture with a pair of bolt cutters in the back while Barry, looking straight ahead and laughing, flips off his imaginary pursuers. Then have Gibbs deny it was stolen and instead have him talk about executive pay scales at Schwinn.

  9. Lets just do a swap. We get David Palmer out of those insurance commercials (at least he knows how to act like a president), and obuma can go make GEICO
    commercials. He would make a very convincing lizard, but I wouldn’t buy whatever he was selling.

  10. There’s no way to butch up the Obamafag…he probably sports a tramp stamp.

    The best hope for the country is to keep telling every world leader the following phrase: “You never know, Fred might decide to run in 2012. And, if he does he’ll remember what you did in 2010. You don’t want to take that chance, do you?”

  11. Obama isn’t worthy to cut the grass around Chesty Puller’s tombstone. With Obama’s shady past and questionable connections (Rizzo, Ayers, Wright, etc.) he couldn’t pass the background check to get in to OCS. Yet Lewis B. “Chesty” Puller rose from Private all the way to Lt. General, and along the way became the most decorated U.S. Marine ever, including 5 Navy Crosses. FIVE!

    Good night Chesty, where ever you are!

  12. Now that my ranting is over, here’s my suggestion for butching up Obama…

    He should stop opening press conferences by asking the reporters “Have you ever had that ‘not so fresh’ feeling?”

  13. Frank, I think trying to man him up is a hopeless cause, but he could try a chain drive wallet and some biker boots with cargo pant shorts. Maybe Blue War Paint a la Braveheart, he is already cyanotic, so why not chose a lighter shade of blue in a fierce pattern?!

    Also, quick question, is he really wearing Shape-Ups on his feet or am I seeing things?

  14. The Space Cowboy Pirate look wouldn’t work. Not even a brown coat could make him look manlier. Obama is Simon without the medical expertise, loyalty to his family, class, honor, fashion sense, determination, guts, willingness (if not ability) to use weaponry, ability to improvise, sense of humor, and love of Kaylee. That, and I don’t honestly think he would know what to do with a grenade if he was allowed to bring one.

  15. Big boy bikes have a balls bar! This is put there by designers to A) remind men what it was like to mount a horse and B) To crush your stones if you made any dork like moves! As for a bike helmet…sigh…

  16. * Don’t let him stand next to Michelle.
    * Have him stand next to Dennis Kucinich
    * Have him stop saying “Did I do that?” in a nasal voice when the economic reports are released.
    * Beard stubble, black wide brim hat, black overcoat, shotgun over the shoulder, walking away from an explosion in slow-mo. NOBODY could look dorky doing that!

  17. How about we have Michelle and Hillary each donate a testicle, so he can actually have a pair? (They’d have to get by on two each, also).

    Marines? Barry wouldn’t survive his first attempt to request a head call; the DI’s bellowed reply would turn him to dust & dead butterflies.

  18. You’re not going to butch up Obama. Sorry, but he’s too far gone with the Mom jeans and the girly bike and all. Not to mention whining like a four-year-old girl.

    Just encourage him to embrace his inner chick. Some hair extensions, a nice dress (not from Michelle’s closet – I said “nice” remember?), and a little hormone therapy so that he can wear his jogging bra without adding half a box of Kleenex.

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