The U.N. has appointed someone to be our first contact with extraterrestrials should we ever be visited by them. I’m pretty sure, though, if something important like that happened, we’d keep the U.N. far away from it as possible as we do all other important things.
U.N.: “Aliens have landed! We need to talk to them!”
US: “But look what I found here: A paddle ball game for you to play with.”
U.N.: “Yay! Paddle ball! Hee hee hee!”
Of course, the best way to handle alien contact would be to tell the aliens, “Just go in here to talk to our leader,” and as soon as they go in the room they find it’s actually full of angry badgers and we locked the door behind them. Then we steal their spaceships and sell them at our galaxy’s nearest spaceship dealer for space gold. Who knows what’s out there in the universe; better have lots of space gold just in case.
Badgers! Bad idea, Frank. We want to keep other animals out of the “discussion” with aliens. Humans and aliens only.
I suggest we keep news of aliens to ourselves. After some time, we kill the aliens and sell the autopsy videos. I will take the ears of the aliens as treats for my German Shepherd. She loves pig ears!
Klaatu barada nikto.
Unfortunately, the Koz kidz just reported that we can’t get any space gold because of the Cosmo-jooos and their intergalactic zionist conspiracy.
Is it too late to nominate Sigourney Weaver as our First Contact Representative?
Thankfully, years of experience (and the movie ET) have taught most Earth folk that if an extraterrestrial shows up at your door you NEVER alert “the authorities”. So, instead of being presented with a copy of “Why America Sucks” written by the folks at the UN, before being dragged off for killin’ and disectin’, any visiting aliens will, instead, most likely end up on the couch alongside a regular Joe, with the spaceship stowed in the garage, watching re-runs of Seinfeld and drinking a Bud…and, they will be our friends.
The weirdest thing about this is that said appointee is an astrophysicist. What’s an astrophysicist going to do when they meet an alien, study its molecular structure? I would think you’d want a linguist or somebody who might actually have a shot at communicating with ET handling first contact.
Of course, I would think. That’s why I don’t work for the UN.
Lets all just hope that if aliens do show up they’re not the outer space equivalent of the Spanish conquistadors….and we’re the equivalent of the Aztecs.
Aliens? I’m not worried at all. Will Smith and Randy Quaid will blow them all up and then make a crappy movie about it.
Can you imagine the pinhead those UN morons chose as “das leader”? Probably some former sexual harassment sensitivity training spokes-hole cougar who sounds like Phyllis Diller with a tracheotomy hole.
You mean possibly Noam Chomsky? Might work. Meeting the man would be a fate worse than a room full of badgers.
Burmashave, I recently reached the opinion that Chomsky smells like the brown marmorated stink bug. And as someone living in the apple country of Pennsylvania, I can tell you I would much rather be surrounded by badgers than brown marmorated stink bugs.
We misunderestimate the U.N. plan. Thr ET rep is a muzzie. As soon as ET denies any knowledge of allah, KABOOM !!! One less ET and splodeyguy.
The nearest planet that might support life is over 100 light-years away. In other words, if the aliens are there, and they left their planet now, they might be here some time in the next century. I seriously doubt if the UN will be around that long. This is just another rat-hole to toss our money into.
This is a rather pointless appointment. There are no aliens. Fred Thompson took care of that a long time ago.
It doesn’t matter what planet you’re from. Don’t piss off Fred.
Why can’t we just fill the UN with wild badgers while it’s in session?
This is SO delicious! I used the headline “Space Case” when I mentioned this news item on my blog.
South Park says the aliens are using Earth as a popular ‘reality show’.
That explains so much.
I read this to my fourteen year old and his response was, “since Prince Charles is so interested in talking to plants and animals maybe they could get him to be the ambassador” to whit my spouse said “every time I watch Men In Black I expect to see Chuckles on the big board.”
I love my family.
The U.N. would only be interested in aliens if they were galactic despots; or perhaps third galaxy dictators. Otherwise they would simply impugn them, criticize them for not using green technology and subsequently embezzle their riches in the name of the common good. If aliens of any intelligence encountered the U.N. I imagine they would blow it up thereby cementing their friendship with the remainder of humanity.
If an alien was smart enough to build a space ship and travel here, he would certainly be smart enough not to meet with the UN! He would want to first meet with Fred Thompson and then Sarah Palin and then he would come out and say that all American’s should vote for a Tea Party candidate. He would then threaten all other nations with alien smoting if they get out of line and do some anti-American stuff. He will demonstrate this by vaporizing Iran as an example! All other nations will start sending us money and stuff with a caveat from the Alien. Obama must resign first!
@Marko: Not brown marmorated stink bugs!
The ONLY people qualified to be First Contact experts are Sci-Fi geeks. Like me.
Aliens have already landed, but the first human they encountered was Barney Frank and the probe session has entered the exploratory phase.
I think General Mattis would be a fine candidate for being the first to greet them: http://johnbatchelorshow.com/debrief/kill%20you%20all.jpg
#24 – CtheHammer,
Thanks for that image; I’m saving that one to my personal file!