We’ve heard a lot of awful things about Gitmo, but here’s the latest: Only one ice cream per terrorist. That’s right; that brutal prison is now cutting back on ice cream. If you’re a terrorist who likes two ice creams per day and is captured by America , you might as well just kill yourself.
And here are some of the other horrors from Gitmo:
OTHER HORRORS FROM GITMO
* Store-brand sodas.
* For personal music listening, detainees are given Zunes.
* Only allowed two picnics per week.
* Detainees have been unable to get funding for their planned “Kitten Village” — a fully functioning village to house all their kittens.
* Their Nintendo Wii system doesn’t have MotionPlus for all four controllers.
* Netflix takes three whole days to get the the next movie on the detainees’ queues.
* Their HD DVRs can only record one channel at a time.
* They only get taco night once a month.
* Guards refuse to hunt down the more obscure songs for karaoke.
* Only enough ice and stones for six teams to play at once in the detainees’ curling league.
* Sometimes detainees are subjected to depressing glimpses of Cuban citizens.
* They are only allowed to learn pig dog western languages such as Pictish, Esperanto, and Spanish!
* They have been led to believe that “El loco diablo Palin” is “El Presidente” and is coming for their “almas”!
They only get two Johnny Cash concerts each month!
* No garbanzo beans on the slad bar.
* The KFC has either a Taco Bell or Long John Silver’s, but not both.
* The Playgoats arrive with the centerfold removed.
* The monthly pep talk from bin Laden is on taped delay.
* Gigantic George W Bush “Miss Me Yet?” billboard overlooking exercise yard.
* Their unused mobile minutes don’t roll-over.
* The fastest internet available in their area is 6Mb cable modem.
* Their iPhones only get 4 bars.
* I’m sorry. We don’t have Coke. Is Pepsi ok?
* Nudity is not pixeled out on skinimax.
* HBO is running “Bruno” all month!
* The paper towel dispenser in the restroom is empty and they have to use the air dryer.
* Limited to only 200 text messages a month.
* The iPods are full of that one’s speeches.
* The air conditioning has been turned up to 72 degrees
* The women at the weekly burlesque show have their feet showing.
* rom the manual, cheats at the weekly poker game
* Weak satellite reception (you may laugh or cry):
“‘Detainees were very interested in watching the World Cup, but Guantanamo Bay is in a bad satellite area so ‘we had a little problem,’ he said. To resolve the issue, detention facility officials began recording World Games and playing them the next morning.” Fox News
I’d like to announce that I don’t own a Playstation 1, 2 or 3, not to mention Nintendo Wii. No one serves me 147 grams of ice cream each day. If I want to take a class, I have to pay for it, and it doesn’t come to me. I don’t have a flat screen TV. Gitmo prisoners watch 50 inch flat screens. Then again, if I had to watch Twilight and the World Cup on 50 inches of flat screen clarity, I’d volunteer for water boarding. Oh, and no one censors women’s faces from my magazines, but I’m O.K. with that.
As James Caan said in Way of the Gun, “I can assure you it’s better than the alternative.” That alternative would be the Obama policy of killing terrorist leaders instead of sending them to Club Gitmo for R&R by the Caribbean.
Biggest horror:
Visits from liberal democrats.
Store-bought croutons
* Radio only gets Cuban stations.
* No goats allowed in the cells.
* “Learn-a-skill” cab driving class was canceled.
Plans are to lower the pitching mound for feces flingers even though they all throw like Obama.
That reminds me. When is Eric Holder going to put those terrorists on trial?
* Only seventy-one virgins per prisoner.
* Can only watch Spiderman 3, without the other two.
No real crème in their chocolate mouse and their menudo is just tripe.
Conjugal visits with Joe Biden.
Salad fork obviously too long for a salad fork. I mean com’on.
Can only hook up with Comcast.
HD is only 720.
Dirt has a strange clay flavor.
Like Guam, due to Cubas’ amazing ability to float, East keeps changing direction.
* Dry cleaning comes back with that icky chemical smell.
*The only NFL games they show involve the Bills or Raiders.
* The Rolls-Royce is all out of Grey Poupon.
Hey, I’ve got a Zune!
…yeah the software is as bad as you’d expect from Microsoft.
—When someone flushes the toilet in the next cell over, the shower water gets cold.
—Their Kellogg Rasin Bran has only ONE scoop of rasins.
—No splenda, only sweet-n-low
-Non-halal green M & Ms mixed in with other colors.
-Only 3 usb ports on laptops.
-Terry cloth robes & slippers don’t have matching insignias..
-No goat-scented shaving cream provided so they can’t shave their backs.
AT&T phone service
Forced to use toilet paper instead of wiping butt with fingers as is customary for all non infidels
Not enough goats causing some inmates to complain of “sloppy seconds”
Video from guards showing Helen Thomas as the face of 72 virgins…not funny!
No Weight Watchers program as inmates obtain obese status
Bacon for every meal prepared by guards…not funny!