* Reports are that Obama will be announcing a $300 billion jobs plan in his speech… I guess tomorrow. I don’t when it is; who cares really.
So Obama already spent $800 billion in “stimulus”, and there weren’t any jobs. But give him $300 billion more and this time he’ll make jobs. For reals.
Republicans need to turn to Obama and tell him, “You can’t make any jobs because you’re a dummy. We could get more effective use out of the money by burning it because that would at least produce warmth. Here’s a bag of golf balls; go to the driving range and stay out of everyone’s way.” Except they won’t say that because Boehner has decided not to give a response to the speech, considering it beneath his concern — something most Americans have already concluded. Pelosi is calling this disrespectful. So now not going on TV and telling everyone what a useless dummy Obama is is disrespectful. Because all Obama really wants is attention.
Anyway, here’s my idea to raise government revenue and help close the deficit: Have Obama yell out his jobs plan to passersby from a dunking booth. $20 a ball.
* There’s a Republican debate tonight at 8pm ET which will be Rick Perry’s first — if he can make. Currently he’s in Texas because his state caught fire. If he doesn’t make it, expect his opponents to hit him on this.
ROMNEY: “Know what I didn’t do while I was governor of Massachusetts? Burn down my state.”
BACHMANN: “We make sure our state can’t catch fire by covering it in snow and ice.”
RON PAUL: “Fire is not in the Constitution!”
* And with all the polling showing Rick Perry well ahead in the primary, Mitt Romney is not about to give up. He’s come up with a 59 point plan to help the economy that is 160 pages along. I haven’t read it all because… it’s a 160 page plan about the economy and I have other things to do. Still, I know that point 28 of his plan is “??” and point 59 is “Profit”.
* Debbie Wasserman Schultz (I checked; that actually is the name she goes by) says that “the Republicans who think the Recovery Act [stimulus] didn’t work are simply wrong.” But the independents and Democrats who think it didn’t work are right?
Really, this is what the Democrats are going to run on in 2012? Just point to the nation and say, “This is what $800 billion in awesome recovery looks like!”? $800 billion is more money than we can wrap our brains around, and they just wasted it all. It’s Brewsters Billions – can you spend $800 billion without helping the economy? It’s a challenge, but they did it.
Actually, Nancy Pelosi has now banned the use of the word “stimulus” because they realize what a huge epic failure it was and that they better not bring it up. Next one — which Obama will be proposing — will get called “job creation” — like any of them know anything about jobs. We can’t all be community organizers; some people have to do something useful.
* If you want to watch something funny, here’s Jake Tapper pressing Carney on why the White House won’t respond to Hoffa’s remarks. Apparently, back in 2008, Obama called on McCain to apologize for what a speaker who introduced him said, but Obama doesn’t think he needs to even acknowledge the thug who introduced him from his own event. It’s an obvious double standard, and all Carney can do is squirm like a hooked worm.
But look what some left-winger produced in his hate: You get to kill Tea Partiers in the forms of zombies. The left talk about peace and call their opponents Nazis, but push them just a little bit and all they’re fantasizing about bashing in the brains of anyone who disagrees with them.
I just hope the next time liberals act all outraged about something someone says, we know to tell them, “Shut up, you’re not actually outraged by this. You’re just a useless partisan tool; if you didn’t think the outrage gave you a political advantage, you wouldn’t even care. As evidence to this, I point to all of history of the left.” Remember the Paul Wellstone funeral? Remember the left immediately moving to action to try to score political points against their opponents out of Gifford’s being shot in the head? Remember how Michael Moore’s first reaction to 9/11 was that it should have been targeted at Republicans? There’s a point at which partisan politics replaces basic human emotion, and that’s where the left is constantly hanging out. If you surrender your humanity for politics, you have no business trying to figure out what’s best for people.
* Obama has apparently told the Pentagon to cut troop levels down to 3,000. This is way below what the generals wanted, but Obama probably knows better from all his military experience from… I don’t know where I’m going with this sentence.
It was pretty irresponsible to put Obama in charge of the military. Maybe, instead of playing golf, he could play some Call of Duty to at least become a little bit familiar with military concepts. Or if that’s too violent, how about Super Mario Brothers — just something where he’s trying to fight the enemy and win. Maybe Bubble Bobble.
* Wisdom of the Day: “How strange is our world when one of the biggest stories of the day is whether we will be able to leave our shoes on to get on an airplane?” –Rich Galen
* Just submitted a manuscript to HarperCollins this morning. It will be a short ebook under their Broadside Books imprint and should hopefully come out in November. What’s it about? Maybe I’ll tell you when there’s a firm title, but know what you can do? You can speculate in the comments! Anyway, the book will be very funny and you will all buy it. Every one of you. No exceptions.
Wow, and here all this time I thought it was Debbie Watermelon-Shultz…my bad. Is it true Romney has been spotted hanging around the outskirts of Austin with a torch in his hand? Just wonderin’.
Your new book is a children’s 3D pop-up book about nuking the moon? maybe not the best format for an e-book, but think of the sparking of imagination that it will cause in young developing minds, or maybe just seizures.
“Republicans need to turn to Obama and tell him, “You can’t make any jobs because you’re a dummy. We could get more effective use out of the money by burning it because that would at least produce warmth. Here’s a bag of golf balls; go to the driving range and stay out of everyone’s way.” Except they won’t say that because Boehner has decided not to give a response to the speech, considering it beneath his concern — something most Americans have already concluded. Pelosi is calling this disrespectful. So now not going on TV and telling everyone what a useless dummy Obama is is disrespectful. Because all Obama really wants is attention.”
I haven’t even read the rest of the post yet, but thank you for giving me a much-needed laugh. That’s the best example of how the funniest stuff is the most true.
“The Chronicles of Bucket Head – Life And Times During The Obama Years.”
Man, you’re letting the endy get in the way of the funny.
I figure the title of your book will be “The Funniest End of Civilization Ever: The Soundtrack”
I gotta be honest… If someone developed a 1st-person shooter where I could use a shotgun or grenades on Bill Maher, Maxine Waters, Al Gore, Michael Moore, Sean Penn, Nancy Pelosi, Janeane Garofalo, or any other host of the living, liberal dead, I might give it a whirl. HEY! If they put Soros in there they probably wouldn’t even need to ‘zombify’ him… That dude is creepy.
You know, this baby has gone from inspiring songs to just driving anything witty to say from my mind. I used to think of funny things like this to say about Obama but now I’m just really impatient with it all. Maybe once the first trimester is over, I’ll have more energy and will be able to find him amusingly dopey again.
That’s because we “haven’t been properly stimulated” – yet.
Frank, is it legal for you to publish the plans on how to create atomic moon bombs and laser guided missle launching dinosaurs? That would be awesome.
That is what Obama, Pelosi, Moore, Wasserman-Shultz, and the other liberasl lack, They have no awesome.
I’ll buy your book right after I buy your Nuke the Moon t-shirt. Oh, wait…
Debbie Wasserman Schultz is pretty inconsistent. Seems she should use:
Deborah Wasserman Schultz, or;
Debbie Wassy Schlutzie
Except that “Debbie Wassy Schlutzie” sounds like an appropriate name for a Bratz doll.
“Maybe, instead of playing golf, he could play some Call of Duty to at least become a little bit familiar with military concepts.”
Oh please, the last thing that game needs is another noob tuber.
Over a Trillion dollars in stimulus! A Trillion! My brain is going into a BSOD! There are only 350 million people in the entire U.S.! Obama should of just said to everyone “Here’s ten-grand, I’mma go play golf.”
I just hope the next time liberals act all outraged about something someone says, we know to tell them, “Shut up, you’re not actually outraged by this. You’re just a useless partisan tool; if you didn’t think the outrage gave you a political advantage, you wouldn’t even care. As evidence to this, I point to all of history of the left.”
I use the shorter version: “Eat sh*t and die, you useless weasel.” Of course, I’m noted for my tact.
Title: “How I Funded Buttercup’s College Education.”
Contents: “Yep, this is how. Sucker!”
$20 a ball? I may need to take out another loan.
Book title “Doctor Teleprompterlove or How I Stopped Thinking and Learned to Love Obama”
“How To Properly String Up a Tea Party Member – With Illustrated Step-By-Step Hang-Man’s Knot Tying” by Frank J!
Book will include Chapters on –
Best Rope to use
How to calculate drop distance per weight of dropee
Trees vs. Buildings
Best Species of Trees (Oak vs. Maple)
Best Time of Day for a festive lynching
Best Drinks to have on hand for the crowd
Best Types of Bands to hire
When to scoot if the Law is spotted!
Best get away cars and trucks
Funniest Signs to leave on the Hangee
And much much more!!!
a 59 point plan? That’s one plan for every state Obama plans to campaign in.
Ok Frank just figure out what it will cost to raise Buttercup and we’ll divide it by 15. That’s about the number of loyal fans of IMAO. Wheew glad that’s not me.
Brian the Adequate-I really LOL’d on your comment
I think your ebook is romance novel where all the main characters are national democrat politicians. I’m guessing the plot revolves around the relationships between Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank, and Janet Napolitano, with all of the characters trying to find their sexual identities.
I predict very low sales numbers among the readers of this blog, but you will find a small niche market among residents of San Francisco.
(And I thoroughly apologize for putting that image in all of your heads.)
God hates Rick Perry, so he ignored his pleas for rain and set his state on fire.
If Romney wins the nomination, Obama will make fun of his 59 pt plan as amateurish. Obama has a 300 billion point plan. HA!
Love it! One of those ads poped upat the top of the page, “Fl Republicans robbed Al Gore. Now they’re planning to steal the presidency again! Stop them today. Sign the petition”
Anyone who clicks on that on should not only have their identy stolen but also have their right to vote permanently revoked
You can’t say that Obama’s only military experience is from Call of Duty! Because I already said that! http://njfushanka.blogspot.com/2011/06/dr-oddlust-or-how-i-learned-to-stop.htmlhttp://njfushanka.blogspot.com/2011/06/dr-oddlust-or-how-i-learned-to-stop_14.html
Sorry, those links were broken. http://njfushanka.blogspot.com/2011/06/dr-oddlust-or-how-i-learned-to-stop.html http://njfushanka.blogspot.com/2011/06/dr-oddlust-or-how-i-learned-to-stop_14.html
The book is about the connection modern pop-country music and the collectivization of the Ukraine.
Obama playing Call of Duty (“instead of playing golf, he could play some Call of Duty”) is somewhat like Michael Moore going to Jenny Craig. It seems like a good idea at first but sooner or later somebody’s going to get dead or hungry and then all bets are off.
The book? I know. It’s about vampires. Girly, sparkly vampires.
@ussjimmycarter #19: Since James Hoffa has offered to help the Prez eliminate the Tea Party, I’m thinking we will see less hanging and more whacking. Also, since Frank would be writing for liberals, “Best getaway cars and trucks” is an inappropriate category. Trucks? And liberals?! Oh, please. The only thing a liberal wants to do with a truck is to regulate it out of existence. (Unless it is a filthy, unregistered, hazardous, brake-free, oil-leaking, overloaded, unbalanced, unlighted, untaxed, pollution-belching excresence from Mexico. In that case, welcome, brother! Feel free to compete with American drivers!) (And by “compete” we mean “endanger the lives of.”)
I don’t have so much of a problem with the new $300 plan. If you check it out, you’ll see that the money is going to go to…infrastructure! Neither evil teachers, nor corrupt legislators, nor university studies of addicted chimps, nor Obama cronies will see a dime of it! Union shops will *not* be preferred! We need infrastructure! Infrastructure is good!
If it isn’t about tuna I’ll turn up my nose and walk away.
The Chronicles of Dubya, Volume II?
According to Cracked.Com, libs consider all conservatives brain-dead consumers, thus zombies. Conservatives consider all libs blood-sucking parasites, therefore vampires.
So we need a video game where we stake lib democrats or expose them to sunlight.
Hmm… maybe that’s why all obama’s solar power green projects are going bankrupt?
Vampires probably don’t understand sunlight very well.
Zombies vs Vampires – who wins?
http://www.cracked.com/article_19402_6-mind-blowing-ways-zombies-vampires-explain-america.html
Ron Paul says fire isn’t in the Constitution? Idiot; it’s right there in the Commerce Clause.
Crabby – You caught me in my evil conservative thinking again! We need to do a better job of thinking like the enemy and that was a major mistake by me. I shall shun myself for the rest of the day! Shunned!
Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Funny that her name includes the term ‘waterman’.
Hey waterboy, here’s a clue:
1)Lather
2)Rinse
3)Repeat (ad infinitum)
And stop dunking for apples in the 55 gallon drum behind the rendering plant.