So right now, we have a robot on Mars zapping rocks with lasers. I can just imagine the conversation that led to putting a laser on the Mars rover. The scientists were like, “I know what our Mars robot needs: a laser. For shooting things. And lightning bolts painted on the side to make it move faster.” And they brought that up to their bosses who were like, “Well, we’ll approve the laser. That does sound like a science thing.” So they got the rover to Mars and were like, “Well, we have this laser. What should we shoot with it?” And everyone was like, “Are there any aliens? We could totally pwn them with our laser!” And the controller was like, “No. Just rocks.” So they were all like, “Then shoot the rocks! Shoot them with extreme prejudice! Tell the robot that all rocks must die!” So now the Mars rover is going crazy just zapping rock right and left on Mars. In the war on Mars, we are totally winning.

[High Praise! to Traction Control]

Assuming your home is in an Apocalypse Zone.

Like Detroit, or something.

Obama says his campaign hasn’t called Romney a felon. Oh no! He lost his memory! Maybe he hugged Harry Reid too closely and caught senility from him. I guess we need to gently remind him. Just tell him, “Oh no, you did do that. You also accused Romney of killing someone’s wife with cancer, which is super crazy. Because you’re a scumbag. Do you remember now? You’re a total, corrupt scumbag. And completely useless. Do you remember any of the last four years? They were horrible because you suck.”

And Obama may be like, “I don’t remember being horrible and sucking.”

And we’ll have to say, “Then you still don’t have your memory back. We’ll do what we can to help you remember what an absolutely awful president and human being you’ve been.”

And we’ll have to patient with him, because memory loss is hard. But if we work at it, maybe one day he’ll say, “I remember! I remember it all! My memory is back!” And then he’ll immediately resign and exile himself from the country now that he knows how stupid and awful he is. We can help him remember; we just have to work hard at it. Maybe not reelecting him will help.

So Todd Akin said something pretty stupid, and I agree that he should just drop out as he’s pretty much an embarrassment to us, but before the Democrats act all righteous, I have a reminder for them: Bill Clinton.

Yes, at the Democrats National Convention, they’re going to have a speaker who can probably talk about rape and pregnancy from a much more directly informed opinion. So Democrats are acting all offended by some dumb talk about rape, but remember how they acted when there was an actual charge of rape against a politician? No one actually disputed Juanita Broaddrick or found any indication she was lying, so they just ignored the whole thing and hoped it would go away. And it basically did. So that’s what Democrats do with actual rape: Ignore it. Because rape — just like murder (Ted Kennedy) — is a purely partisan issue to them when it threatens their politics. The only thing that causes legitimate outrage in the left is losing elections. And thus we should be aiming to always cause them outrage.

[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons]

in his best “aw shucks” manner, and with Michelle sitting at his side (apparently wearing a tablecloth from an Italian restaurant), Obama said “I don’t think you or anybody who’s been watching the campaign would say that in any way we have tried to divide the country. We’ve always tried to bring the country together.”

Except when he’s threatening to throw bankers to the people with pitchforks, clearing the legal path for Occupy Wall Street protesters to rail against capitalism, instructing the Justice Department not to prosecute New Black Panthers who threaten white voters, declaring that Republicans are waging a “war on women,” calling people of faith “bitter clingers,” having his Department of Homeland Security label veterans as potential terrorists, calling fiscal conservatives “hostage takers,” creating “blacks only” programs to improve schooling, and on and on.

Seriously, Barack Obama is more enthusiastic about dividing people than Leatherface was in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And he used power tools!

The entire rant is an excellent read, plus there’s 4 cartoons you’ll want to check out.