Archive of entries posted on August 2012

Wisdom of the Day: Argue Bizkit Japanese Babies

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Obama Is Everywhere

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First Obama had edited himself into the president’s biographies, and now he’s edited the State Department facts sheets for different countries to add himself. Next, I guess he’ll take the different presidential portraits and paint himself in the background waving. And he’ll replace the White House china with Obama commemorative plates. And maybe he’ll just replace the presidential histories with a fictional series of short stories where he obtains a time machine and goes back and solves all the previous presidents’ problems. Eventually, Obama will be everywhere in the White House — except for the history of the the last four years. That was all Bush’s fault.

8 Ideas to Make Biden Appear Smarter

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So Obama added Biden to his ticket in 2008 to give it more gravitas, which was just one of many big mistakes to follow. Obama, being a dummy himself, assumed that since Biden had been in the Senate for decades, he must know something — when actually suggests the opposite of that. Now it would be too big a deal to dump the lunkhead, so they’re forced to just try and manage him until election day. So to help out, here are some ideas to make Biden look smarter.

IDEAS TO MAKE BIDEN APPEAR SMARTER

* Make sure his mouth is always full of a whole bag of Big League Chew so he is unable to talk.

* Have him wear thick glasses, a mortarboard, and an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt where the arrow isn’t pointed at himself.

* Somehow get him a prop newspaper to hold that on the outside is the Wall Street Journal and the inside is nothing but Marmaduke so he’ll be entertained.

* Give him an earpiece that feeds him things to say and a collar that shocks him when he strays off topic.

* Have him always carry around a bunch of books. To encourage this, hollow out the books and fill them with gummy worms.

* Put dark sunglasses on him to hide his vacant stare.

* Promise him if he’s quiet and doesn’t make any embarrassing statements, he’ll finally get that rabbit farm.

* Have him wear a Paul Ryan mask.

Random Thoughts: Free Joe Biden

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Seen this video of crazy clips from The Wicker Man? Probably could do something similar with Biden speeches.

Just got a fundraising email from Joe Biden. Subject: “me good VP”

Much like Obama, Joe Biden has written numerous memoirs. All pop up books.

Joe Biden is okay. The White House just released a picture of him wearing a captain’s hat made from today’s newspaper.

If Obama did dump Biden, I assume that would very much resemble the scene from the end of Of Mice and Men.

So the left-wing are turning violent against right-wing groups they assure themselves will one day turn violent?

Really? They’re sending them to jail for “hooliganism”? I assume that sounds less ridiculous in Russian.

You can be a serious person who cares about big issues affecting our country, or you can obsess on Romney’s taxes. Guess which one the president is?

President doesn’t seem to be working out so well for Obama, but I’d bet he’d be an awesome White House tour guide.

The right has the hate groups. The left just has a bunch of independent hate enthusiasts.

When watching an 80s sitcom, you have to remember the subtext that at any moment the Soviets could launch a nuclear attack.

Link of the Day: Wolf Blitzer Moderates the Obama/Romney Debate

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[High Praise! to Innominatus]

I find myself sick with jealousy that I didn’t write this.

barry debatable

Excerpt:

[Blitzer] “Let’s start with a foreign policy question. Mr. President, what is the capital of Israel?”

[Obama] “Umm, well. Our embassy is in Tel Aviv. The Knesset is in Jerusalem. But our friends call Jerusalem ‘Al Quds’. Umm. On Facebook, to describe our relationship with Israel, I’d click on ‘It’s Complicated’.”

[Blitzer] “Governor?”

[Romney] “It isn’t complicated. The capital is Jerusalem. While Jerusalem has been occupied by others for much of its history, it has been the capital ever since King David set up shop there. Even Abraham, the Father of the Faith, was willing to sacrifice Isaac on Mt. Moriah, which is where Jerusalem now is, so Israeli influence there even predates King David. The pResident confuses a very simple thing, and even this basic question leaves him with a puzzled, like a monkey humping a stump.”

[Blitzer] “Monkey? Isn’t that racist?”

[Romney] “No. It just rolls off the tongue more smoothly than ‘giraffe humping a carafe’.”

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Even Obama Couldn’t Say “You Didn’t Build That” to This

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[High Praise! to American Digest]


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #726,540)

In the literal sense, it’s just 5 minutes of a guy cementing together concrete blocks to build a wall.

In a larger sense, it’s symbolic of every good, decent, honorable aspect of American existence.

Consider this your Rorschach test.

The fact that this video has been viewed over 700,000 times does NOT bode well for Obama in November.

Cthulhu Third Party Candidacy at an End

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R’lyeh, South Pacific (NPN) – Potential presidential candidate Cthulhu has made it official: he has decided not to run as a third party “greater of evils” option in this year’s U.S. Presidential race.

The Dread god is sitting this one out.

“I just don’t see the point,” a somber Cthulhu said. “I mean, my platform has always been the total and utter destruction and subjugation of the human race, starting with the United States. But this year, there is already a candidate who can help accomplish these things.”

Cthulhu worries that running for president could jeopardize the Obama campaign by stealing votes from the misanthropic and nihilist segments of the Democrat base, which are sizable, but not enough to win an election on.

“The worst thing that can happen here, is that people select the lesser of evils, Mitt Romney. I just can’t be party to that, when I am such an outspoken proponent of the greater of evils in an election.” said Cthulhu, while eating one of our reporters. “Mmm nom nom, um, if Obama keeps up what he is doing, burrrrrp, then I could take the election in 2016, and the United States will be so broken by then, it will be child’s play to finish the work I intend to do.”

In other news, while it was speculated that General Zod would also enter the race again, very little has been heard out of his camp. Zod himself was unavailable for comment when asked about it, but a spokesperson did respond to NPN’s inquest.

“The General has not made a decision on whether he will run this year, or, more likely, simply take over the world.” said the Zod spokesperson. “Kneel before Zod.”