Oh, we lead in both number of medals and number of gold medals. I always suspected we were the greatest country ever.
Obama can’t do anything to stop that sleazy ad; as he’s demonstrated for four years, he’s completely impotent.
Romney should see if the can get Jon Lovitz to be in an ad as one of Obama’s campaign managers, Tommy Flanagan. “That ad never implied Romney killed that woman – just ask my wife, Morgan Fairchild.”
The original Bill & Ted was one of the greatest movies ever made. The sequel was pretty good too. My favorite part was how Billy the Kid and Socrates made natural best buddies.
That new Red Dawn movie better be some dumb fun.
I think my new book coming out next month has three different Red Dawn references. That’s mainly how I remember the 80s.
Romney plans to layoff Obama and then give his wife cancer.
Puppies will die if Mitt Romney is elected (a depressed Obama will need comfort food).
Anytime Fareed Zakaria smiles, I’m afraid he’s about to swallow someone whole.
I’d love to meet the guy I’m plagiarizing.
I plagiarize one sentence per column and send a Snickers bar to the first person to spot it.
I’d be for total government surveillance if every night the government sent us a montage of our day set to an 80s song.
If CNN hires me as a commentator, I promise to never say anything remotely similar to things anyone else would ever say.
People not creative enough to make up “anonymous source” quotes resort to plagiarism.
We act like the VP pick is so important, but aren’t like half of people surveyed unable to name the current VP or think it’s still Cheney?
People make fun of you if you never read any newspapers or magazines, but it’s the best way to avoid plagiarism.
So Obama has 43% approval rating, yet everyone thinks Obama is going to be reelected? The presidency isn’t a union job.
Actually, if I were president, I’d might start a president’s union with other nation’s presidents. You treat us right or it’s a strike!
I only have about six different jokes I do variations of. There’s a difference between being a hack and plagiarizing, right?
I know the North Korean thing is stupid, but the Red Dawn trailer makes the new movie look kind of fun.
Chuck Norris eats Chick-fil-A every Sunday.
Can I call myself a “best-selling author” or are people going to ask, “Compared to what?”
Thomas Friedman columns would be a lot better if he plagiarized other people than Thomas Friedman.
Canadian whiskey? What is that? Fermented maple syrup?
Oh, it’s fermented moose urine.
With Ryan as Romney’s running mate, it will be a Mormon and a Catholic versus a man of indeterminate faith and no one cares what Biden is.
Romney keeps delaying on his tax returns so when they’re out people will read them so eagerly they won’t realize they spell Mxyzptlk backwards.
In the Biden/Ryan VP debate, it will be victory for Biden if he just doesn’t choke on his own tie.
If Ryan pushes any old person off a cliff, it will be Biden during the debate. Don’t debate near a cliff, Biden!
JOE SOPTIC: “Paul Ryan was elected to the House of Representatives. Afterwards, my wife got cancer and died.”
Obama: “Look at Paul Ryan and his silly budget plan. How ridiculous; governments don’t have budgets!”
Remember when the VP pick was the more boring part of the ticket?
While waiting for your turn to speak, don’t try and see if you can fit your fist in your mouth. #BidenDebatePrep
Paul Ryan has a dangerous, extremist budget plan. Democrats made sure their plan isn’t dangerous or extremist by not having one.
Obama has denounced Ryan with phrases such as “tax cuts for the wealthy” “burdens to middle class and seniors” “radical” “talking point 4”.
I think I might vote Republican this year.
Email I got from Democrats right after the Ryan pick: “Extremist! (more details to follow)”
Won’t someone think of the bureaucrats!
“Wanna hear my imitation of a Mexican?” #BidenDebateLines
How has Paul Ryan treated dogs?
“Obama says in a second term he’ll get me a farm with rabbits.” #BidenDebateLines
“…and that’s why the second time I got my head stuck in the banister was one of the greatest challenges I’ve overcome.” #BidenDebateLines
“Obama gave me the red phone that calls Batman, but I’m only supposed to use it in an emergency.” #BidenDebateLines
“No Vice President in the history of the United States has come as close as I have to catching a leprechaun.” #BidenDebateLines
“What do you mean the debate is over? You haven’t asked my favorite color yet! I was prepared for that one!” #BidenDebateLines
“I like trains. What I’ve learned from riding trains is 1) They go choo choo. 2) …I like trains.” #BidenDebateLines
The Paul Ryan pick is good synergy with my new book which will be about taking bold action for the future of America. My plans have more dinosaurs in them, though.
The Ryan pick assumes the electorate are going to be a bunch of adults and not kids wanting free candy.
NBC can just keep delaying and delaying showing us the Olympics closing ceremony so that Olympics never end.
Picking Ryan is risky, but if Romney/Ryan win, it will be seen as a mandate to destroy absolutely everything the left holds dear.
So how many more rovers do we have to send to Mars before we can start our ultra-libertarian space society?
Well my 33 years streak of never getting stung just ended. Stupid hidden wasps’ nest.
You stole that from Joe Biden. Can I have tuna instead?
I stole that from Morris the Cat.
“Nobody told me there were going to be math questions.” #BidenDebateLines
“pssst – hey, Paul, what’s a deficit?” #BidenDebateLines
VP DEBATE HIGHLIGHT:
BIDEN: If Barack and I hadn’t been in the White House these past five years, who would have forced the Huns out of Ethiopia? What if a crisis like that erupted with Romney and this guy in the White House? Do you think they would have had the kind of experience I have, where I was able to talk with the Persians and say, “Hey man, we need your help here” and get them on board to work together with the people of Tibet to force those Huns out of there? Absolutely not. And, that’s why just last week when I went into the local Woolworths in my home town where everybody knows me, people came up to me and said, “Joe, you’re the only guy that gets it, we need to work with the French to find common ground and have peace and you’re the guy to do it.”
@DamnCat: Still chuckling, I am.
@Frank J., that is, after I stopped chuckling at the many, many thoughts.
Oh, we lead in both number of medals and number of gold medals. I always suspected we were the greatest country ever.
The Olympics are still on? Pray tell, when do they end. I might watch them, but Mitt said it wasn’t safe.
I think my new book coming out next month has three different Red Dawn references. That’s mainly how I remember the 80s.
Did anything else happen back then? Is it really possible to get your overheated pickup truck going again by peeing in the radiator? Will the new Red Dawn reprise this scene with one of the freedom fighters accidentally killing himself by peeing on a Chevy Volt battery?
Talk like Yoda, you do.
@DamnCat: He plagiarized me!
That’s mainly how I remember the 80s.
Frank, Frank, Frank! The second most-important thing to remember about the 1980s is that Jimmy Carter was President for the first year and nineteen days. Things were terrible. The Iranians took Americans hostage, inflation ran wild, and foreign leaders laughed at Jimmy Carter, possibly because he wore big floppy shoes, white make-up, and a false red nose. The most-important thing to remember about the 1980s is that Ronald Reagan became President immediately following Jimmy Carter and everything was wonderful for the next eight years. Inflation plummeted, the economy grew, the Yankees didn’t win a single World Series, the Chicago Bears won a Super Bowl, and I made a lot of money.
I want the 1980s back.
Apropos of absolutely nothing, I thought I’d share the true to life vivid nightmare I had last night.
Anyway, I was at a family reunion, and somehow, someone convinced Obama to show up. I spent the reunion trying to ignore him, which was difficult because my family is fully liberal and is very small. He WOULDN’T LEAVE! NOPE. NOT AT ALL. I kept thinking he’d leave because I know that no one in my family could be a big donor, but no joy. None at all.
Col. Kurtz, I’d rather watch a snail crawl down the edge of a straight razor.
[Sign on FrankJ’s front lawn]
Sting-Free days on this site: 1
(I stole that from a nearby construction site)
Is it plagiarizing if you say the same thing as all other MSM outlets because you’re all reading the same DNC talking points?
Pleased to make your acquaintance.
http://www.myfoxny.com/story/19262671/group-plans-mars-settlement
Colonization via Reality Show. Hey, we get 4 libertarians to go and we are off to a good start.
See also “The Case for Mars” http://www.amazon.com/The-Case-Mars-Settle-Planet/dp/0684835509
Can you guys have links on your posts? It’s alot easier for me to give you guys credit when I steal yo sh!t. I’m currently going all Fareed Zakaria up in this place. keep up the good work, love your site.
Best line of Red Dawn: “Things are different now”
Really???? I just thought there had always been commie invaders throwing our family and friends into concentration camps and occasionally executing them.
Thanks for the update, Captain Observant!!!
Other best lines in Red Dawn:
“They’ve got the mayor’s car! They’ve got Daryl’s Dad’s car!”
“Boys: Avenge me! Aveeeeeeennnnnge meeeeee!!!!!”
Dear Comrade Fleming:
Yes, there is a difference between plagiarizing and being a hack.
When I figure out what it is exactly, I will let you know.
Sincerely,
Comrade Chairman Obama
Dear Comrade Fleming:
If you call yourself a best-selling author, and then someone indeed asks you, “compared to what?”, you just say, “compared to this!”, and then punch them in their stupid hippy face.
Sincerely,
Comrade Chairman Obama
Dear Comrade Fleming:
You stated that your future plans for America include dinosaurs.
But, what about rocket launchers? You failed to mention rocket launchers.
Was this deliberate, or simply an oversight? I would like to know if there has been a fundamental change in policy.
Sincerely,
Comrade Chairman Obama
Stung for the first time, by a wasp, after 33 years.
Wow, what a deprived childhood!!
At age 13, I kicked a nest of hornets by accident. My friend and I were chased and stung for 300 yards to his house where we peeled off our clothes to dislodge the hornets that had gotten inside! They’re the worst ….. except ….. for those …….
……. killer bees! They got the name ‘killer’ because they kill you! With hundreds and hundreds of stings it doesn’t matter if you are allergic or not. Frank, try to avoid them. Of course, now that you have been stung, all stinging insects are attracted to you. And the nightmares will get worse. Try not to think about it.
There’s a small wasp’s nest outside the window at work. Next to it is a spiders web. Every day the wasps nest grows a little larger, and the spiders web gets a little bigger. Before Fall arrives I expect to see a conclusive conflict. If the spider eats the wasps, it’ll lay eggs and die. Circle of Life. Eh. If the wasps kill the spider, Bengal Wasp & Hornet Killer – 20′ Blast. Better living through Modern Chemistry! Yay!