[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

I feel like I should say something about the passing of Robert Bork, but I just don’t know very much. When his infamous confirmation hearing was going on, I was eight. So I only really know him as this guy the Swedish Chef from the Muppets was really excited about. And it was such a sad incident. This great judicial scholar was kept out of office by lying dimwits — one of whom is now vice president. Just another reminder of what a bad state our country is in and how things could have been better had conservatives fought harder earlier. Lesson learned: When you see a hippie’s face, you punch it right away. You never hesitate.
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Time Magazine explained that they picked Obama as “Person of the Year” because…
I’ve talked before about how all the focus on the racism of the past is helping us miss the newer and equally dumb racism of the present. This editorial about Tim Scott printed in the New York Times is a good example of that. Like look at this section:
But [Tim Scott’s] politics, like those of the archconservative Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, are utterly at odds with the preferences of most black Americans. Mr. Scott has been staunchly anti-tax, anti-union and anti-abortion.
Yes, the love the idea that if you have a certain amount of melanin in your skin, then you can only think one way on taxes. That’s totally a smart idea a newspaper should print and not the ranting of a moron racist.
You see, this new racism isn’t really any different than the old — it attempts to define everyone and put limitations on them based on their skin color — but just goes about it differently, usually from the angle that these people are the ones enlightened on race and everyone else is the racist. It’s pretty Orwellian. But if we are to advance as a society, a newspaper would no more consider printing an editorial by Adolph L. Reed than they would that of a KKK member.
Hey, you know who else was named Adolph…
We’ll ban all guns with flames painted on the sides because that makes the gun more deadly. #CommonSenseGunControl
The DoJ should go door to door confiscating everyone’s guns and then sell them to Mexican drug cartels. #CommonSenseGunControl
We should ban military-style guns and pants. #CommonSenseGunControl
Put larger print on “Gun Free Zone” signs. #CommonSenseGunControl
Mandated googly eyes on all guns to make them less scary looking. #CommonSenseGunControl
All assault weapons must be paired with an apepper weapon. #CommonSenseGunControl
We can use their gun ignorance against them. Like we could agree to banning high capacity clips.
I’m all for freedom except when it gets scary.
The left are threatened by black Republicans because minorities with varied political views are confusing and scary to them.
How can you have a lot melanin in your skin and not be pro-tax? It makes no sense.
Just in case you hadn’t heard, the world is ending tomorrow.
No, really. I read it on the Internet somewhere, so it’s true. And, so have a lot of other people, it seems.
NASA is getting a bunch of calls from people who want to know about the world ending. It’s taking up so much of NASA’s time that they can’t go about their primary mission of Muslim outreach. Well, that, and not being able to send people into space anymore.
NASA has even made a movie to help stop the calls. It’s titled “Why the world didn’t end yesterday” and is supposed to be shown on Saturday. Which really doesn’t stop the calls leading up to Friday. Maybe that backwards line of thinking is why they can’t go into space. Of course, it should help with Muslim outreach. At least, with Muslims in other countries. The ones in this country kinda shake their head at other countries, too.
Anyway, NASA is answering the phone and telling people that it’s all okay and the world won’t end. I think that’s a mistake. They should tell them that the world is going to end.
Caller: “Hello, NASA? I saw that the world will end Friday. Is that right?”
NASA: “Yes, ma’am, that’s correct. We’re doomed. That’s why we’re not sending people into space anymore. There’s no reason. We’re just sitting back, waiting for the world to end. Have a nice day.”
Or
Caller: “Hey, what’s the truth about the Mayan apocalypse?
NASA: “Yes, sir. The planets are all going to line up with the stars and that will cause the earth to capsize just like Guam did. A lot of people will fall off. The lucky ones will land on Mars or the moon, but most of us will just fall away into space. Thank you for calling.”
See what fun that could be? All the stupid people will panic and, oh, I don’t know, do something stupid, but if we all just kinda let them, we’ll weed out all the idiots, and the rest of us will be able to make a go of things.
If only the Mayans had predicted this would happen before the November election.
Because of Obamacare’s many uncertainties, a Mississippi pharmacy owner closed down after 37 years, saying “I just did not want to risk my retirement”.
Out: Ross Perot’s “giant sucking sound“. In: Ayn Rand’s “giant shrugging sound”.
Researchers have named a newly discovered, prehistoric lizard “Obamadon gracilis” in honor of the President’s toothy grin.
Let me guess: it only ate food it took away from other dinosaurs.
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Why did Hillary faint last week?”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
[High Praise! to According to Hoyt]
No King, No Queen, No Lords, No Ladies
Excerpt:
So – am I saying we should leave it entirely to the free market?
I’m saying we should be aware of the trade off. It is not “regulate food, nothing bad happens” “don’t regulate food, you get horrible things” it’s more “regulate food and create a massive bureaucracy that might or might not cut down on the really bad incidences of tainted food, but which will do things like break into a picnic and destroy all the food because it was grown in a co-op and not inspected.” Or “Regulate food and prevent people from bringing food to homeless shelters because it might not conform.” Or “regulate food and prevent people consuming raw milk if they so choose, knowing the hazards of it.” OR “regulate food and prevent someone selling their prize cookies, which they cook in a spotless kitchen, but not one that conforms to regulations” (BTW, a friend who did micro-brewing called his beer Cat Hair Beer, one cat hair guaranteed per bottle. We all wanted it.)
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Whoever first started using the phrase “I’m losing my marbles!” probably had to explain what they meant a million times before it caught on.
— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) December 18, 2012
“There are no words to describe this tragedy. Stay tuned while we describe this tragedy for 11 more hours.”-CNN
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) December 18, 2012
Finally got around to calling to see if my parents survived Hurricane Sandy. Just been so busy.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) December 18, 2012
“Hi, I’m Captain Hook. I know that’s weird since I don’t have a hook, but it’s actually a family name. Anyway mind if I pet this crocodile?”
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 18, 2012