Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum. Mary: What about that rad drum? Little Drummer Boy: No Mary: Get out

— Dr. Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) February 27, 2015

DATE: um, hi nice to meet y- ME: *muffled by my jousting helmet* you are a small and weak man

— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) February 27, 2015

I'll never forget the wide range of emojis I felt the day that my father left in his Prius to get a new e-cig battery and never came back.

— ron flanson (@johnbiehl) February 28, 2015

Commercial for boomerangs: *a guy throws a stick but then changes his mind* Narrator : "Boomerangs."

— Steve (@WigCannon) February 28, 2015

It is far better to have ninjas and not need them than to need ninjas and not have them.

— David Crowder (@crowdermusic) February 28, 2015

If I was a soldier in World War II, I'd have kept my grenades instead of throwing them away like an idiot. They'd be worth a fortune today.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 1, 2015