Walmart does more in a week to improve the lives of poor people than Bernie Sanders has his entire life.

One day there will be poor people complaining about having to live on a billion a year on their private islands while there are quadrillionaire rich people who own entire planets.

It’s possible the president doesn’t do careful research before saying things.

“I’m going to need some ID for that, sir… Yeah, I knew it — you’re a rabbit. Sorry, but Trix are for kids.”

If we want to get rid of all guns, a great way to start would be to disarm the government. That would completely nullify all the “I need guns to protect me from a tyrannical government” arguments.

Why did Russia want Democrats to retake the House?

Undermine faith in democracy? Why would you have faith in a system that gave us a choice between Hillary and Trump for leader of the free world?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is starting to remind me of Trump in that there’s so much to legitimately criticize her on and yet people seem to gravitate to the really dumb things.

If you haven’t read the novel The Princess Bride, I highly recommend it. It usually now includes the first chapter of the sequel, which has one of the most memorable endings I’ve ever read. #WilliamGoldman

I have no idea what nationalism is or what everyone thinks it is.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s not the AR-15 we have to worry about but instead the people with an irrational fear of them.

A surprisingly large number of people are learning for the first time that victims of a crime can be cross-examined.

I’m not sure there’s a worse pro-gun control argument than “If the government decides to murder you, there’s absolutely nothing you can do, so you might as well give up your guns.”

Feels like this country should have a discussion on a healthy fear of guns versus a stupid fear of guns. For instance, a healthy fear of cars means you don’t run out on a busy road while a stupid fear means you freak out every time you hear an engine rev.
I live in a neighborhood in Texas. How many guns do you think must be around me? How many AR-15s? I don’t a spend a second worrying about that. I do worry about the kids running out in the road, though.

I don’t get Fortnite. All I understand about its appeal is that it’s free.

What would happen if you put a top crust on pumpkin pie? Have scientists ever tried it?

I’ve heard a lot of left-wingers complain about the NPC meme, though the statements start repeating every fifth one I talk to.

You know, there are lots of really dumb Representatives in safe seats. Usually we make fun of their dumbest statements about twice a year and mainly just ignore them.

Politics is all about arguing who is the better person to give the One Ring to when the correct thing to do is chuck it in Mount Doom.

You don’t have to worry about deadly bacteria if you deep fry everything.

If I died eating salad, I would so throw that in my wife’s face.

The only thing I like about taking out the trash is getting to growl, “Time to take out the trash!”

Are raisins a hundred times cheaper than chocolate chips? Because that’s the only reason I can imagine for putting them in cookies.

What I’m most baffled there hasn’t been a reboot of is Gremlins. So merchandisable.