ATLANTA – In a 6-month experiment dubbed both “magnificent” and “sadistic”, CNN was played non-stop in inmates’ cells, chow halls, and exercise yards. The result: a recidivism rate of zero, and former inmates who swear to go straight because they are “terrified” of having to go relive the horrors of “Constant Nightmare News”.

Samuel Norton, warden of the maximum security Georgia State Prison said the fruits of the program were “truly unbelievable”.

“I’ve been in the prison business for decades, keeping order over hundreds of the most desperate criminals society has put away. I’ve seen lots of dumb ideas come and go: hugs, shoes with spike insoles, ice cream, pink underwear, classical music… none of it ever had any lasting effect. So I was skeptical when Governor Kemp suggested non-stop CNN. How was that supposed to work? People stuck at airports have to watch that muck for hours on end every day. It doesn’t seem to have any effect beyond mild nausea.”

However, Governor Kemp was relying on research by expert criminologist Jason Gideon who understands criminals better, perhaps, than any other individual in the nation.

“These may be criminals,” said Gideon, “but they are Americans, and no American can stand to have a moron try to boss him around. It’s just the most maddening thing in the world, and he’ll do anything to avoid it. I thought, ‘well, no one’s bossier or more moronic than the talking heads of CNN. We should give this a shot and see what happens.’ I think the results speak for themselves.”

While Georgia Department of Corrections records indicate that the 3-year average recidivism rate for all prisoners hovers near 30%, convicted felons who were subjected to a non-stop barrage of CNN reporting had an average recidivism rate of 0.0%, with not one single releasee being convicted of another crime. Although the rates are not directly comparable due to the difference in time periods being studied, the results have been described by prison authorities as “very encouraging.”

One former inmate, Ellis Boyd Redding, talked about his experience with CNN.

“At first, you know, it’s actually interesting. In prison, any distraction is a good thing. But then it gets repetitive. You start to notice patterns. And after a while, you know exactly what they’re going to say before they even say it: ‘impeach Trump,’ ‘make the rich pay their fair share,’ ‘ban assault weapons,’ ‘Biden’s nowhere near as gropey and senile as his critics claim,’ you know, the same old stuff. Gets to the point where you’ll do anything – ANYTHING – to make it stop. I kept my nose clean, got paroled, and even though I was tempted by crime on occasion, I went straight and got a job as a procurement specialist for a deep sea fishing charter boat service. There’s no TV on that boat, and there never will be. I’m free, and I’m staying that way.”

Warden Norton himself has become a believer in the program over time, adding “normally I can tell, when a prisoner is released, whether I’ll be seeing him back behind bars. There’s just a look in his eyes, ya know? But when they’re trying to escape the torment of CNN, all I see is mortal terror, and I know they’re out for good.”

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