IMAO’s own Mr. Language Person, Right Wing Duck, posted this in 2005. — The Editors

Grammar rules

I admire Michelle Malkin. She has good word usements.

In one post, she directs her readers to a great quiz on grammar.

Mark Goldblatt at NRO give the quiz.. Being the kind of IMAO writer who aspirates to master the English language, I figured I’d applicate my skills to see how I would do.

I’ll get through this before my ADD kicks in and I forget what I was doing.

1) Define the terms “independent clause” and “dependent clause.”

Well, a long time ago, Santa hired two assistants. One was really good and got things done. The other was clingy and kept blaming “shortism” for all of his failings. Eventually, the clingy one was promoted to ensure diversity in the Elf staff and, well, let us never talk about the exploding Jack In the Boxes again. Eventually, Independent Clause started his own business with labor from third world countries, and threatened Santa with a buyout. I forgot how it ends. But I’m pretty sure we can blame Wal-Mart.

2) Find the subject in the following sentence: “Many of my friends drive to school.”

A Ha! A trick question! Some would say that the Subject is Driver’s Education. But it asks about driving TO the school, which tells us that it’s morning. The fact that many friends are involved means that Bill and Jane are probably getting cozy in the backseat while the thumping bass on the car stereo breaks windows as it passes through the neighborhood. I’m not saying it’s Sex Ed, but it’s pretty darn close.

3) What are the three principal parts of the verb “to bite”?

Let’s use a visual aid

(RWD pulls out a 15 pound hamburger)

First there’s there’s the pre-bite. That’s where you say, “Hmm. I’m gonna get me some of this!” Then there’s the actual bite itself. I recommend small bites, this way you can talk while you’re eating. Then, there’s the post-bite. Postbites vary. For some, they order a doggy bag, Others take a big drink. If you’re like me, you can pretend you found some gross thing in your food so you can try to get it for free (unless you’re lucky enough to end up with a REAL finger tip or something.)

4) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Is that sentence written in a present tense or a past tense?

I’ve met John. Believe me. Two years is a long enough sentence for any woman. I recommend they think about breaking up. Methods for breaking up include, Dear John letters, phone conversations, or faking your own disappearance.

5) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Change that sentence to the corresponding past tense.

Well, it just so happens that corresponding is what I do best!! Try this one:”Dear John, it’s not you. It’s me–”

6) What three parts of speech can an adverb modify?

As you know. Adverbs are not native to North America. They came over on the Mayflower with the original settlers and were used to torture to poor native Americans. So Natives got orders such as “Finish this promptly” and “Run for your lives, quickly!” As such, I do not acknowledge adverbs as a legitimate part of life.

Had they not come over, nothing here would have been modified. Sure some people say, “How would I know to run quickly?” and I say, “You’re stupid. Have you ever heard of slow running?” –besides the movies just before the car explodes behind you. That’s cool.

“Look at the bomb. It blew up!”

“Yes, It blew up quickly.”

7) What is the main use of a semi-colon?

Medical questions? Man, this is harder than the census. The Semi-colon is located on the human body just before the colon. Let me just say that I’m a big believer in cancer screenings for semi-colorectal cancer.

8) “Jane invited John and me.” “Jane invited John and I.” Which is correct?

See, what I told you about Jane. She can’t even make up her mind. This is why she should not have to carry out her full sentence with John. I vote that her sentence be overturned.

9) “He should of told me that I wasn’t invited.” What’s the error in that sentence?

Simple. It’s never good to advise somebody that they are not wanted in a party. It’s always best to make up an excuse, such as “we’ll get back to you” or “they cheated” or “let’s wait until 2008”.

10) “Every person is entitled to their own opinion.” What’s the error in that sentence?

I disagree. Everyone is entitled to MY opinion — although, honestly speaking, opinions vary. Besides, I’ve met everyone. Really. And the only thing they want to talk about is whether or not Paula Abdul is dating Dependant Clause.

How shallow.

**

Excellent.

I’ll go back later and grade the test. Right now I need to sit and play some videogames.

Lactose the Intolerant wrote this back in 2013. — The Editors

I just found out that I have to travel out to DC for an FDA conference, which has me thinking again about the TSA and their x-ray scanner devices.  Generally speaking, I’m not a conspiracy nut, well, except for the fact that we never went to the moon, and that whole 9/11 thing, and the fact that Obama was born in Hawaii and Kenya and South Africa simultaneously (he’s really evil triplets: google it), but these new peekaboo scanners in the airports just seem to smack way too much of some grand conspiracy. 

Now, who would want to conspire and use such a device?  I reckon we can employ the old Socratic method to unravel this hemp rope.  What type of folk really don’t care if their lovins are blowing about in the breeze for all to see?  What types of folk would gladly board any plane stark raving naked if such indecency weren’t currently unlawful?  Well, I’ll tell you who.  It’s those same folk who were prancing around butt naked in the mud at that Woodstock thing.  It’s those gosh darn hippies, of course.

I’m often told that the only way to properly deduce who is really behind a grand conspiracy is to answer the simple question: Who benefits?  Because we all know that anyone who reaps good from an event must have been the mastermind behind it.  There are no coincidences, and, if history has taught us anything, it’s that the sociological and political outcomes of any event are easily predicted.  If I pat Elly Sue Jenkins on the tush, I’m gonna get a slap across the face.  It happens every time, and no one benefits from it.  Well, maybe I benefit a little, or else, why would I keep patting her on the tush?  But where are you going with all this, you may ask?  Exactly how do the hippies benefit from the airport peepshow?  Well, let me enlighten you. 

I’m not a doctor, but I take little Jimmy to one every time I push… I mean everytime he falls down the well.  And every time Doc points that x-ray thing at him, he puts a big old lead codpiece round little Jimmy’s nether regions.  I asked the Doc what this was all about, and he said, and I’m quoting this pretty straight, “Without the lead blocking the rays, Little Jimmy’s manhoods would shrivel up like raisins in the sun and be about as much use to him as an empty shotgun during season.”  Now, who exactly would want to remove all the shells from our proverbial shotguns?

Coincidentally (or is it) a hippie family moved in down the street, and, while I can’t generally abide them, I have had the misfortune of overhearing their rants now and again.  Now, to hear them talk, it sounded rather like Agent Smith from those Keanu Reeves movies.  Mankind is destroying the earth on account of there are way too many of us.  And the only solution is to stop breeding.  So, who is it that wants to dry up our loins?  Who is it that wants to blast our seed into a thin paste with concentrated x-ray beams?  Who benefits and gets exactly what they want by forcing as many of us as possible through these new Superman X-ray vision machines?  I’m just asking questions, but the answer is clear.  And, I’ll tell you what, hippies, you can have my seed when you pry them from my cold dead fingers.  Elly Sue, however, you can have my seed anytime you want.  Call me. 

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]