May 2019

So, you have an idea for fighting Trump?

Yes, sir, I do. We can start with attacking oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman.

That’s not even our gulf. I love it!

Then we can attack some more in June.

This keeps getting better.

Then we shoot down a U.S. drone in August, and seize a British tanker.

Wow.

Then in September, we can attack a Saudi oil facility.

I think I’m in love.

You know we throw people off roofs for that, right?

Sorry. It’s just that you have a face that … right. Never mind. What else you got? How do we get Trump involved?

Did I mention that all this time, we keep violating our nuclear agreements?

I think I love you again.

Sir, I’ll need you to get all the way off my back. Literally.

Sorry.

Oh, oh, oh, I forgot the best part. We fire rockets into Iraq and try to kill some Americans right after Christmas.

Wouldn’t actually killing an American cause Trump to do something?

So we lose a couple of dozen allies from Hezbollah. What’s the big deal?

Right. But do we let that stand? I mean, Trump would have shot back. We can’t let it end like that.

Well, we could attack the U.S. Embassy in Iraq.

Attacking U.S. Embassies is tight. But won’t it be hard to find someone to do all this?

It’ll be super easy. Barely an inconvenience.

Oh really?

I’ll just get Qassem Soleimani to do it.

Oh, he’s good. And with him involved in all this here in 2019, I’m sure 2020 will be a blast.